2. Source of All His Anger
If he was to keep his promise to his mother and to himself, he would need to stay alive and well, and that meant not being caught out in the open. Once he was settled in comfortably, he would have time to continue his one-sided discussion about how he felt about having destroyed the world, as well as properly mourn everyone he had lost. Well, 'lost' wasn't really the correct word; he was standing right under everyone he ever knew. It just so happened that he was also standing under the other three billion people that he never knew. But he would be unable to communicate with any of them ever again, at least as long as they chose not to return from the void of no self.
Even though there was no threat to him from any other person, there were still other hazards to navigate. For one, he wasn't entirely sure if animals had been absorbed into Lilith or not, so it might be possible that they could be up and about now, without fear of reprisal from their human overlords. Also, he did not wish to catch any kind of illness or somehow injure himself in a way that would render him immobile and vulnerable. He needed to get moving; the longer he stayed in one spot, the more danger he was in.
Shinji, at the moment, actually had his heart set on returning to Misato's apartment. If it still existed, that is. 'Better to be somewhere familiar.' he thought.
Not being entirely sure WHERE he was, Shinji looked around in more detail in order to get his bearings. So far, he could see no recognizable landmarks. Many of the buildings in Tokyo-3 were leveled, and the mountains and hills that surrounded the fortress city didn't have any special distinguishing features. But since he was having trouble seeing the other side of the lake of blood, he could not be entirely positive that there wasn't something over there that could help him. Though decidedly cautious, Shinji figured he could let his newly released adventurous spirit take over for a little bit. Set on a course of action, he began to traverse the circumference of the lake.
Having just started his journey, Shinji turned to his left and saw something almost directly in front of him. You'd have thought that considering this something was only a few feet away from where he awoke he might have noticed it right away, but alas it was not meant to be for our reluctant hero.
No, not a something. A Someone.......Impossible! It could not be a body. Only he was left. When Third Impact had taken place and everyone's soul was released, their bodies collapsed into LCL. Living and dead alike, they were all converted into the orange puddles of Lilith's blood. How he had known this escaped him, probably something else he had picked up in Instrumentality, but he still could not explain away this empty shell, this corpse....
Yet if the body was here, it could only mean that this person had the will to live and had come back. That they were ALIVE. This line of reasoning was confirmed as he could see the faint rising and falling of their chest. The person was breathing, living, existing. While a part of Shinji was glad that he would not be alone now, this new appearance also disrupted any and all plans he had for peaceful solitude. It's not that he'd be opposed to some company every now and again, it just seemed a little premature for anyone to come back. He still wanted some time to sort out his feelings, and was not prepared to deal with anybody else yet. But the person might be dazed or in need of help, so he should at least render some kind of assistance.
"Oh god, no," he whimpered. This was actually the last person he wanted to see.
Her only clothing was a brilliant cherry-red, skin-tight plug suit that had single black stripes running down the arms. Or the left arm, rather, the other arm was completely encased in bandages. The long but frizzled red hair covered the occupant's head like a mane of fire. Her face still had its perfect, smooth, lightly-colored skin. She was so beautiful.
Asuka Langley Sohryou, the girl who he had at first hated, then admired, then loved (or did he simply desire her?), then hated all over again, was just as beautiful as ever, even though she looked like hell at the same time. She had miles of bandaging gauze wrapped around her head, covering her left eye. He could not help but be curious as to whether or not the socket still housed its resident. Her right arm was completely encased in the stuff as well. It almost looked like someone had started to mummify her but felt uninclined to finish what they had begun. Shinji was not a doctor by any means, though, and even if he was he could not gauge the extent of her superficial injuries just by looking.
But all he could do was stare. He was so muddled that he forgot all about his pledge to never again be indecisive. Aside from Gendo, this was source of all his anger, his hatred, his frustration. He knew that she would never return romantic affection for him, but he wasn't unrealistic. He at least thought they could be friends, or establish some kind of truce. It was never meant to be, not with Asuka. Every last goddamn thing had to be a race with her, a competition for superiority. It was a battle that, no matter what, he lost; if he won, she would get mad because she wasn't the best, that she was weaker than him (because there was nothing worse than being weaker than Shinji Ikari), and would put him down and belittle him. When she won, it fed her ego and reinforced her belief in her innate superiority over him, and thus he was unworthy of her attention, so she abused him still. If they tied, she refused to acknowledge him as an equal.
In Asuka's mind, nobody could possibly be equal to her. No one was allowed to be better than her. They either had to follow her lead or pay the price.
The battle was nowhere near as intense when it was over who was the better Eva pilot. Every day that Asuka's synch scores surpassed both his and Rei's, she never let them forget it. Not only did she insist on rubbing it in continuously, but she had no qualms about letting her disgust for them known, claiming that he was weak and spineless and that Rei was just a doll who only did what she was told. She hated them because they were lower than her. Once Shinji's synch ratios began to surpass Asuka's, however, her hatred for him grew near exponentially. She then hated him for being better than her. No matter what Shinji did, she found something to hate about him. He was pretty sure she'd hate him if they were equal, God forbid that anyone be an equal to the great Asuka Langley Sohryou.
Shinji had never learned much about Asuka except that after her mind rape, Misato had told him that her mother had become psychotic and eventually committed suicide when Asuka was only seven. While this certainly went a long way to solve the enigma that was Asuka, he still had so many unanswered questions. Somehow, he felt, more had happened to her than she was letting on, that her mother was not the end of it. At times, she could be completely bipolar, spewing ungodly amounts of venom at him one moment and then being contently calm around him the next. She was a myriad of contradictions; she detested having to rely upon others, it was almost punishable by death to even offer to help her, yet when he saved her from the volcano, he could see the look of gratitude on her face through the comms channel, even though she technically never thanked him.
She didn't want to let anyone in, wanted to keep everyone at a distance, yet she hated being ignored, couldn't stand anyone leaving her. Either she didn't know what she really wanted, or she was throwing a self-pity party that topped any Shinji had ever thrown for himself time and time again. Why did she allow herself to get close to her former guardian and first crush, the cool, smooth spy and Misato's lover, Kaji Ryoji? Why did she become such good friends with their class representative, Hikari Horaki, besides the fact that Hikari was just naturally a friendly person to all regardless? What was so special about those two that she broke her solemn vow never to become attached to anyone? Why did she have to be so damn proud all the time? What was it that was so horrific about her that she hid it from everyone else with a wall of stubborn pride?
He knew Asuka to be a strong, confident, and independent person, but her hubris turned these good qualities into qualities made her almost unlovable. She could never admit defeat, death being preferable to retreat and facing failure. She had made this very clear on numerous occasions, none more so than when Rei saved her from the fifteenth. She absolutely detested, above all else, being weaker than anyone, and always had to have something to prove. It was almost like their synch scores had become her world, that as long as she could synch with her Eva more efficiently, than nothing else mattered.
Shinji had no innate desire to make her suffer like that. He never asked to have a higher synch score, it just happened. Even though he piloted Eva in order to be accepted, he hated every moment of it, and could care less if Asuka was the best or the worst. Maybe that was part of the reason she hated him so much; he was somehow just naturally good at piloting while she spent the last seven years of her life training. He had absolutely no training when he faced the third Angel, he didn't dedicate half his lifetime to being the best, yet he had far more kills than her. Yet if he didn't try, Asuka would know and become angrier that he hadn't tried, that it was a hollow victory and that she only won by default.
If Shinji surpassed her, she hated him for being stronger. If Asuka surpassed him, she hated him for being weak. If she won because he didn't try, she hated him for letting her win. If they tied, she hated him for being equal. No matter where he stood, he was always in the path of her rampage and always right next to her mouth as she let loose her war cry. It was as if she needed to hate him, that there could be no other alternative, as if liking him was the same as admitting defeat.
Compounding all of this was the fact that Shinji was not the kind of person who loved a good confrontation. He had spent a good decade of his life running away from his problems, be it whether he physically ran away from home or if he simply ignored the rest of the world and withdrew into himself and his head set. He felt so little self-worth that he had come to believe that every time something undesirable happened, it was somehow his fault. Asuka saw this and took full advantage of this weakness, walking all over him. She constantly teased him and belittled him, putting him down and despising him because he would not stand up for himself. "Having no spine" is what she called it. Yet on those rare moments when he did stand up for himself, she quickly stomped out the insurrection by knocking him down again, humbling him.
Again, if Shinji allowed her to talk down to him like that, she hated him because he did not defend himself and stand up for himself. If he did stand up for himself, she hated him for disobeying her and for not showing the "proper respect" that she oh so deserved.
He seriously pondered what went through her mind when she agreed to move in with both him and Misato. If she truly hated him that much, she'd want to avoid him as much as possible, right? Or did having a lowly underling following her every command somehow pamper her ego even more? Why did she even bother coming to school with him? She was already a college graduate, having obtained at least two degrees from one of the German universities, what could she hope to gain from a junior-high education besides learning the Kanji that she STILL didn't know by now?
If she hated him so much, she would want to avoid him as much as possible, which logically meant that she'd only want to interact with him (to a minimal) at NERV. So why, then, did she tolerate his presence at home and school as well? Did he really mean so little to her that she somehow felt it was her right, her duty, to constantly remind him of how little he meant to her? Was it comforting for her to put down somebody weaker than herself, to watch him wriggle like the worm that he was?
Shinji was suddenly reminded of a conversation that he had with her. Except, was this an actual memory, or was this....was this a vision he had when imaginary Rei was conversing with him? Was this one of a series of possible realities that he was shown?
Shinji walks into the kitchen of their apartment and sees Asuka sitting at the table, her head buried in her hands as if she has been crying.
"You don't understand anything. You just stay away from me." Asuka half-heartedly screamed.
"I do understand." Shinji whined.
"You couldn't possibly, you jerk! You really think you can ever know me? You think you can even help me? Don't make me laugh! You're such a moron! You will never understand!" Asuka was growing louder, colder, and the look in her eyes were speaking of heinous acts of homicide.
"How can I ever understand you if you won't say anything? You never talk to me, but you expect me to understand you! That's IMPOSSIBLE!" His impatience with her was peaking. "I wanna stay with you, Asuka... and I want to help you. But, I don't know what to do." Shinji is on the verge of tears and he was whining again.
"Then don't do anything. Don't come near me. All you ever do is hurt me." Anger dominates her tone, but it also betrays a small sense of hurt.
"Asuka, help me! Please! Asuka, you're the only person that can help me!" He is crying now.
"Liar." Her tone is becoming quieter, colder.
"Asuka..."
"Anyone will do. You don't care who it is! You're afraid of Misato, and of Wonder Girl. You're afraid of your mother and father, too! So now you come running to me..."
"No, I need you to help me-"
"because that's the easiest way to keep from getting hurt! You never even loved yourself! You're all you have and you never even learned to like yourself!"
Asuka shoves Shinji back with purposeful malice. He bumps into the counter before falling to the floor, knocking over the coffee pot that is resting on top. The scolding hot liquid falls all over him while glass shatters against the floor.
"How pathetic." Asuka musters out with as much sting as possible.
Shinji gets back up and starts to break down. "Help me. Somebody... please, help me. Help me. Help me...somebody...please help me. Somebody, HELP ME! Don't leave me alone! Don't abandon me! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!"
"No."
That is the last thing that can escape Asuka's mouth before he clasps both of his hands around her neck and begins to deprive her of her life. His teeth clench and his eyes become bloodshot, various shades of violence and rage racing through his mind. As the maelstrom of his mind gains momentum, his grip on her becomes tighter and tighter. Why can she not understand that she is his only salvation? Why does she lead him on only to deny him at the critical moment? It doesn't matter, if she will not give him what he wants....what he DESERVES, he will take it from her by force. She will be made to understand. She will not be allowed the pleasure of shooting him down this time.
This is a long time coming.
He could remember nothing additional after choking her. He didn't know if that was because he blocked it out somehow or it was indeed a vision. He could almost still feel her neck being cradled in his hands before the fingers contracted with great brute force, preventing precious air from reaching her lungs. And it had felt....pleasant wasn't the word, it was more of a kind of satisfaction. Almost like....sweet vengeance, maybe even justice. He wanted to shut her up, keep the words that he didn't want to hear anymore from escaping her mouth, make her experience his wrath for once.
He wanted to make her pay for everything she's done to him.
He had done it, in this vision/fantasy of his, and it had been good for him.
He fought to suppress the grin.
He especially remembered that last bit about taking what he needed from her, how he had felt deprived of something that was rightfully his. What did he need from her, exactly? To save him from his pain and sorrow? To accept him? To LOVE him?
Shinji was no longer even sure why he had fallen in love with Asuka, or that he ever truly was in love. The shear concept was lunacy enough as it is, given that very few people could put up with her attitude and constant mood swings. He had liked to believe that he found out during their synch training, when she had slept-walked into his half of the training room and fell asleep next to him. He was about to lean in and kiss her when she softly cried out for her momma, with a glistening becoming apparent in her eyes. It was then that he knew that she was not just some bitchy spoiled brat, but was instead a lost and hurt soul just like him. He had gotten but a glimpse into her world, and he was intrigued by what he saw. He wanted to get to know her better, perhaps she could understand him when no one else could. Maybe, they could even help one another exorcise their respective demons. Even though he could not tell her how he felt because he was too afraid of her reaction, he had secretly hoped that she felt the same way. He had hoped that his affections were at least partially conveyed when he kept her from falling down into the lava of the volcano, disobeying a direct order not to engage.
Yet all of that was completely demolished after her mind rape. Not only was her confidence broken, she became crueler and more distant day after day. He would ask her to talk to him, try to comfort her, but she would just push away, sometimes violently. She even seemed to be angry with him for not saving her from the fifteenth, which confused Shinji even more because she was pretty adamant about dying before retreating or asking for assistance. He wanted to save her, there was no doubt, and he was prepared to disobey orders again, but before he could activate his Eva the nerve connections were cut, rendering him immobile. He felt guilt for not being able to save her then, and he felt even more guilt at not being able to save her now. Eventually she moved out altogether and went to stay with Hikari. He never really saw her after that, not even at NERV. And then once the sixteenth Angel had been destroyed, she disappeared for an entire week before she was recovered, having been found in a catatonic state of depression.
That was a fateful event that even in this very moment still plagues Shinji's conscience. He had gone to visit Asuka, feeling that she was the only one he could turn to. His friends had all moved out of Tokyo-3 for fear of their lives, he could no longer talk to Rei because of what she was, and Misato was never home anymore and he didn't know how to save her from whatever it was that was ailing her. He didn't even know how to save himself. That was why he needed someone. Anyone. It didn't matter who, but since Asuka was the only one left....
Was that the significance of his vision? Did it really matter who helped him, or was Asuka just the convenient last resort? Was that why Asuka was mad? Because she didn't truly feel needed? What did he really want from her, anyway?
Shinji is crying. He is standing in Room 303, the hospital room where they are currently treating Asuka for her depression. She's lying on her left side, looking away from Shinji. If he could see her eyes, they would be completely glazed over. They contain a very empty look, as if the occupant of this lump of flesh had abandoned all hope and left. She just lies there, unresponsive, not caring, not even blinking. While there is light coming in through the partially-closed blinds, the room feels very dark and grey, as if all color had been drained out along with the patient's essence.
Shinji speaks to the unconscious Asuka in a melancholy whisper. "Both Misato and Ayanami are scary...Help me...Help me, Asuka."
She just continues to lie there, not saying a word.
"Hey..wake up. Wake up." Shinji gets a bit louder and more desperate.
Still nothing.
"Wake up. Hey..Hey..Asuka..Asuka..ASUKA!" Again with his incessant whining!
It would seem she has no interest in showing any response today.
He can feel his own frustration growing, he's GOT to do something to wake her up. He grabs her by the shoulders and begins to shaker her, each agitation more aggressive than the last.
"Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me! Call me a fool, just like every other day!"
Though it is not his intention, he shakes her so hard that not only do the bed covers fall away and reveal a scantily-clad Asuka in panties and a button-up shirt that exposes her mid-drift, she also twists onto her back. In addition, the buttons on her shirt have become unfastened from their anchors, exposing her pair of perfectly-shaped breasts to the world.
Several lines of thought race through Shinji's fragile little mind, struggling for priority. The first thought is indifference. Except for her naked chest, the site is nothing new to Shinji seeing how Misato struts around the apartment in her own revealing undergarments all the time. Asuka's evening wear is not much better. Though such sites still made him blush heavily, he has grown accustomed to it to the point of not even bringing it up anymore.
The next thought is decency. Again, nothing new to the lad of fourteen. Years of humility and manners tell him to look the other way, to avert his eyes, to pull the covers back over her, to do anything that will change the current scenery. If he acted on this whim, it wouldn't surprise anyone at all if he bowed his head and apologized a hundred times.
But even though these are the first thoughts that come to mind, they are surprisingly quiet. A new thought loudly pushes for dominance, trying to force him to action. No, this is not a new feeling at all. He has felt this before. He can feel its presence when he does see them parading around in their underwear, giving a teasing hint at what nature has endowed them with. He felt it after the volcano incident when they went to the hot spring spa, when he could hear Misato and Asuka horse-playing on the other side of the fence. He noticed the presence whenever he saw Asuka or any of the other female schoolmates in their swim suits. He REALLY took notice when Asuka would explode out of the shower with nothing more than a towel that barely covered her from her neck to her upper thigh.
It is this feeling that, when said occurrences happen, is accompanied by certain 'impure' thoughts. Shinji, having had no one to give him a talk about the effects of puberty, was not informed that such reactions are normal for a teenage boy. As such, he believes that the reaction is somehow unnatural, that he is sick for letting it happen. This is a large part of the reason why he is so uncomfortable around women; he does not know why such things happen to him when attractive females are around him, that this is neither appropriate nor healthy behavior. He basically doesn't know how to behave around them. Especially after Asuka arrived into his life and made constant accusations that he was a pervert, a hentai, and ecchi, he went to great lengths to push those thoughts out of his mind before they could take anchor. He is not ignorant about sexual intercourse and masturbation and what they are, but he does not allow himself to perform either act, especially the latter, because only weak, desperate people resort to such an act, and Shinji is not that desperate, not that low and worthless.
However, he finds himself unable to block out the impure thoughts this time. Shinji isn't entirely sure if this is because he isn't trying hard enough or if it was because he isn't trying at all. He has been feeling fairly depressed lately, was that causing him to not be able to focus?
Or, more frighteningly, does he just not care anymore?
The images race through him as if they are happening before his eyes; Shinji and Asuka in various sexual positions that he had heard about from Touji and Kensuke, Shinji fondling Asuka, Asuka moaning and panting in sexual ecstasy, Shinji penetrating into Asuka's core. The images slam into his mind's eye one by one, faster and faster as more arrive. As all of this is happening, Shinji can feel his manhood quite literally rising to the occasion. It has become sensitive and pulses with pleasure, summoning into it almost a year's worth of pent-up sexual energy like a giant capacitor, ready discharge the energy at any moment.
This is....arousal?
He likes what he sees? Is a half-naked Asuka sprawled over a bed exciting to him?
Is this what he wanted from her all along?
Being unable to contain himself, Shinji heads for the door and closes it, locking it behind him. He cannot afford to be interrupted or discovered, not when he is like this. Not when he is this filthy. Not when he is so close to his goal. As he undoes the zipper to his pants, exposing himself to Asuka and the world, even darker sexual thoughts begin to fly at him. He knows that he is not strong enough to pull away, that he cannot and will not pull away. He's too close now, he must have release. The call is beyond anything he has ever received, he MUST answer it. He MUST do this. Yet he begins to debate with himself internally.
She's had this a long time coming.
'What?!'
All these months of her running her fucking mouth, claiming she's better than you. All these months of her calling you a hentai baka, only to have her make her own hentai advances at you and then push you down. The constant cock-teasing, the attention whoring, that kiss......
'I don't understand, what do you want from me?'
Why are you asking ME that? What is it that YOU want? What do YOU want from Asuka?
'Umm...N.n.nothing.'
LIAR. She may be a bitch and a slut, but she's a good looking one.
'What's that got to do with it!'
Don't pretend like you don't know. You want to shove yourself into her cunt. You want to do it nice and rough, too. She needs to get hammered, she needs YOU to hammer her. What do your friends call it? Grudge fucking?
'B.b.but I can't do THAT!'
Why not? You know you'd sell your left arm and leg for a chance to get her in the sack.
'That's not true!'
The locked door behind you and the hardened shaft in front of you say otherwise.
'NO! IT'S WRONG!'
Yet here you are. What's the matter, don't you wanna give it to her? After all the shit you've put up with, don't you deserve something for yourself? Doesn't she deserve what's coming to her? Ehe, 'coming.'
'What you're talking about is RAPE!'
Hasn't she raped you? The constant putting you down, the insults, refusing you cut you any slack? She overpowers you, does whatever she wants, takes whatever she wants, then leaves you to bleed! Don't be her little bitch anymore!
'NO! I won't do it!'
You're way too tense, you know that? C'mon, it'll be fun! How's she gonna find out about it? Or who cares if she finds out? She probably needs to get laid, too.
'LEAVE ME ALONE!'
DO IT!
'NOOOO!!! I DON'T WANNA! I....I....'
He cannot lie to the voice. It is very tempting to take her virginity from her, assuming the skank is still a virgin. Her perfect form, with all the right curves in all the right places, is screaming at him "TAKE ME!" Relief is now arriving; he sets to satisfy himself.
two minutes later
Shinji unlocks the door, exits the room, and closes the door behind him. He took care to button Asuka's shirt back up and pull the covers over her again. All with his unsoiled hand, of course. His other hand, however, is still wet with his spent seed, the smell of his own arousal sickening him. He can not deny that the act was very much enjoyable, that he would probably do it again. Realizing this and coming to grips with what he has just done, he feels as if he should be made to suffer a horrible, agonizing torture before death finally arrives to carry him into the depths of hell.
He had wanted to rape Asuka, take what he needed and make her pay at the same time. But he could not bring himself to do it. Something prevented him from going that far, something he has felt before, though his head was spinning too much to place it. It had clawed its way through the walls of his mind, seizing control at the critical moment. It didn't stop him from answering the call of nature, it was an impossibility to overcome such raw, primal power, but it did prevent him from doing any further damage, prevent him from doing something truly regretful. It had convinced him that he would rather taint himself than taint Asuka.
Yet even so, Shinji doesn't feel like he's a hero of any sorts. If anything, he feels as if he's the world's most demented villain. Masturbating was equivalent to having intercourse with the unconscious red-head; either way, he took something from her, used her to his own ends. He had sunken to her level, granted Asuka had never used him like this, if you don't count that "kiss," at least. Worse than that, he had sunk to the level of his own father. He had treated someone like a tool, without even caring what happens to the victim.
"I'm so fucked up." His head is bowed and his eyes are closed as he says this, his voice cracking.
He bee-lines for the nearest washroom and proceeds to douse off his hand, but after five harsh scrubbings and half a container of liquid soap, he cannot seem to feel clean. It is not just his hand, though, it is every portion of his being. All that time trying not to be the very thing Asuka had said he was, trying not to prove her point that he would take advantage of her if he could, trying to believe that he wasn't just attracted to her in the physical sense. Is the lust for her beauty, for her body, for this pleasure, the reason that he put up with her for so long? It was a lot of trouble to go through just to partake of that aspect of her, granted, but even so, if he had truly loved her, if he had really CARED for HER, he would never have done something like this. Ever.
Right?
He can never face her again, not after what just happened. And he most certainly cannot visit her in the hospital anymore, who knows what he might do the next time? Whatever stopped him from raping her today might not be strong enough tomorrow. He simply can not trust himself around her anymore. He must run away from her, just like he runs away from everything else.
Shinji arrives at the conclusion, then, that Asuka cannot help him. He has sunk down to a level so low that it defies classification. He is lower than dirt, he is the grime of grime. He is beyond hope, beyond salvation, the only thing left for him is to roll over and die.
To the outside observer, the scene includes a now visibly shaken Shinji standing over an unconscious Asuka. His breathing is slow, but shallow. He is baring his teeth, his hands are resting at his sides, opening and closing, a trademark signature of his that let people know that he was faced with something he really didn't want to face, and he is frowning at the helpless girl with a gaze that suggests that half of him is in sorrow and self-disgust while the other half speaks of unbridled anger and loathing.
He hates her for denying him what he needed, he despises himself for not being there for her, he hates her for making him feel this way, he hates how she always treated him like a toy, he wishes a pox upon himself for taking out his own frustrations on her, he is disgusted that he has sunk to her level. He hates how she always acts superior, he hates how she is superior, he hates how he had destroyed her by becoming the superior one, he hates that she needed to be humbled like that. He hates how she won't talk to him, he hates her for demanding respect but never showing it, he hates not being worthy of her time, he hates himself for not being whatever it was that she sought, he hates not being able to help her when it counted.
He hates her for not helping him in his time of need.
He hates extending the hand of friendship to her, only to have his arm ripped from its socket.
He hates her because hate is all that he has left for her now.
He hates himself more for not being strong enough to help her in her time of need.
He hates that he caused her to be as she is now, and in doing so drove himself to this.
He hates what he has done to himself.
And finally, he curses whoever had placed her stinking, miserable carcass in front of his own stinking, miserable carcass.
He knows that if she stayed, he'd only hurt her and that's she WOULD hurt him. Happiness was not possible between these two, pain was the only thing that could ever exist between them. Accepting pain if it meant that a chance for happiness actually existed was one thing, but accepting continuous pain....he was through with that. He could find the happiness with anyone else, but he would never find it with her. The joy he derives from her not yelling at him or insulting him doesn't count; that's just a moment of peace and quiet, nothing more than a fake happiness. It could never be enough to sustain him. Their relationship, complex enough as it is, was the epitome of hurt. Besides, he would also lose the peace which he had finally found. Already, just by looking at her, his inwards are already back in turmoil. He knows...they BOTH know that as long as both of them exist in one another's presence, it will not be possible for them to come to an understanding. She is everything he isn't and wants to be; strong, sure of herself, and answering to no one. He is that which she had expelled from herself and could not stand; weak and pitiful.
In truth, the only thing Shinji and Asuka could ever do for each other is hurt one another.
Was this not what Rei had warned him about? The reactivation AT Fields would cause people to be separated again and fear one another. People would once again be in pain.
She wouldn't be in pain for a whole lot longer.
Recalling that vision/fantasy he had of choking Asuka, Shinji kneels before her limp form and begins to strangle her. He makes sure to get a nice reach around, taking care to encompass as much of her trachea as he can. He wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. If this is what he had to do in order to be happy, if he had to take the life of someone who hated him anyway, someone he had also grown to hate in return, then it was worth the pain. Yet despite all she had done to him, he was still reluctant to hurt her out of spite and malice, especially in the ways that she still hurts him. But If it was true that all he does is cause her pain, then this final act would be the last pain he would ever inflict upon her. Then, maybe, she could find respite from her own darkness as well.
He sets to clenching his fingers with whatever strength he had available, feeling the warm pulse under her soft, delicate skin. He can feel the blood struggling to move through the now restricted arteries, denying Asuka's brain precious sustenance. She isn't even trying to breathe; it would be futile.
Shinji is so entranced in the moment that he almost fails to register something coming into contact with his cheek. It is soft and delicate, as if whatever is touching his face is being deliberately gentle. Diverting his eyes to the sensation, he notices a single bandaged hand. That hand is connected to a heavily bandaged arm, which is currently connected to a certain red-head in a cherry-red plug suit.
Is it really Asuka doing this? This gesture, it's....
Stunned at what has just transcribed, Shinji fails to notice that he has loosened his grip upon the Red Devil. He looks at her face and notices that her one good eye, a shiny blue eye, is half-open, staring up at him. Asuka is staring into his eyes, as if she is looking for something within them. Within HIM. And her eye also seems to be broadcasting a message to her brown-haired observer. It seems to plead a mixture of "I don't want to die!" and "Please forgive me!"
'Stop looking at me like that!' he cries with his own look. 'STOP IT! LET ME END IT HERE AND NOW!' He can feel the resolve slipping away through his finger tips. He cannot finish what he started, cannot even kill someone who deserves worse than death. He is simply too weak. Or is that he still loves her, and her caress was the sign that he has been waiting for after all this time? But he had already established that he does not really love her, that he only longs for the feel of her warm, soft flesh, the sight of her perfectly toned body, and the euphoria that only a woman's wiles could summon.
And in any case, it is impossible for anyone to love him. Misato didn't really love him, she just kept him around so that he'd settle her personal score with the Angels. Kensuke didn't really care about him, he just wanted to get closer to NERV in all its military glory. Touji didn't care to begin with, he just wanted to avenge his sickly sister and his now missing left arm and leg. The staff and NERV never gave a shit about him, it only mattered that he did his job so that they'd get to keep their lives and their pensions. The rest of the fucking planet could care less about him, so long as he rushes in and saves the day once more. Gendo never cared. At all. He only even bothered to speak to him when he wanted something of him. And finally, Asuka never cared, nor would she ever care, she just wants someone lower than her so that she won't have to face the fact that she is pathetic.
Then something else overtakes Shinji's mind. That same something that intervened when he was about to violate Asuka in her comatose state. It was also the same feeling that overtook him on several other occasions; when Touji asked him to hit him back, when he refused to fight the Angel-infected Unit03 for fear of hurting the pilot, whenever he got angry with someone, when he could temporarily understand Gendo's actions, and whenever Asuka would let her guard down on those extremely rare moments and reveal her true vulnerable self.
It is the same something that Asuka's look is begging him for. Begging.
This is not the same Asuka he knows.
Is this....mercy?
He feels mercy for her? She, who was second only to Gendo on the list of those who deserved to die horribly, she who had toyed with his heart and emotions time and time again? How can he feel mercy for HER? How can he feel something so precious and so beautiful for someone so undeserving and so ugly?
'It's not fair!' he whines inwardly. 'It wasn't suppose to be like this! She can't do this to me, not when I'm this close!' Feelings of self-loathing and disgust arise within him again as he tries to tighten his grip but discovers that his hands will not obey him. Surrendering the uphill battle being fought on the plane of his conscience and confused about the whole ordeal, Shinji begins to cry, the tears falling onto Asuka's chest. He pushes off of her and curls into a ball, hiding his shame and frustration from her, waiting for the barrage of insults and death threats that he knows he deserves. He can feel her gaze on his back, looking upon his crumpled, pitiful form, savoring her victory yet again.
"How disgusting." her angelic voice weakly mutters.
He doesn't even have to ask what she means by that.
And that's a wrap for chapter 2 (or chapter 1, I guess, since the previous chapter was a prologue of sorts. lol) Chapter 3 WILL be more dialogue-oriented, though.
Considering Shinji did try to kill Asuka, I've decided that he's not lubby-dubby or anything. He's confused, has a lot of angst, and is still trying to deal with Third Impact. Add to that Asuka's abuse, and....well like he said, he's fucked up.
If he was to keep his promise to his mother and to himself, he would need to stay alive and well, and that meant not being caught out in the open. Once he was settled in comfortably, he would have time to continue his one-sided discussion about how he felt about having destroyed the world, as well as properly mourn everyone he had lost. Well, 'lost' wasn't really the correct word; he was standing right under everyone he ever knew. It just so happened that he was also standing under the other three billion people that he never knew. But he would be unable to communicate with any of them ever again, at least as long as they chose not to return from the void of no self.
Even though there was no threat to him from any other person, there were still other hazards to navigate. For one, he wasn't entirely sure if animals had been absorbed into Lilith or not, so it might be possible that they could be up and about now, without fear of reprisal from their human overlords. Also, he did not wish to catch any kind of illness or somehow injure himself in a way that would render him immobile and vulnerable. He needed to get moving; the longer he stayed in one spot, the more danger he was in.
Shinji, at the moment, actually had his heart set on returning to Misato's apartment. If it still existed, that is. 'Better to be somewhere familiar.' he thought.
Not being entirely sure WHERE he was, Shinji looked around in more detail in order to get his bearings. So far, he could see no recognizable landmarks. Many of the buildings in Tokyo-3 were leveled, and the mountains and hills that surrounded the fortress city didn't have any special distinguishing features. But since he was having trouble seeing the other side of the lake of blood, he could not be entirely positive that there wasn't something over there that could help him. Though decidedly cautious, Shinji figured he could let his newly released adventurous spirit take over for a little bit. Set on a course of action, he began to traverse the circumference of the lake.
Having just started his journey, Shinji turned to his left and saw something almost directly in front of him. You'd have thought that considering this something was only a few feet away from where he awoke he might have noticed it right away, but alas it was not meant to be for our reluctant hero.
No, not a something. A Someone.......Impossible! It could not be a body. Only he was left. When Third Impact had taken place and everyone's soul was released, their bodies collapsed into LCL. Living and dead alike, they were all converted into the orange puddles of Lilith's blood. How he had known this escaped him, probably something else he had picked up in Instrumentality, but he still could not explain away this empty shell, this corpse....
Yet if the body was here, it could only mean that this person had the will to live and had come back. That they were ALIVE. This line of reasoning was confirmed as he could see the faint rising and falling of their chest. The person was breathing, living, existing. While a part of Shinji was glad that he would not be alone now, this new appearance also disrupted any and all plans he had for peaceful solitude. It's not that he'd be opposed to some company every now and again, it just seemed a little premature for anyone to come back. He still wanted some time to sort out his feelings, and was not prepared to deal with anybody else yet. But the person might be dazed or in need of help, so he should at least render some kind of assistance.
"Oh god, no," he whimpered. This was actually the last person he wanted to see.
Her only clothing was a brilliant cherry-red, skin-tight plug suit that had single black stripes running down the arms. Or the left arm, rather, the other arm was completely encased in bandages. The long but frizzled red hair covered the occupant's head like a mane of fire. Her face still had its perfect, smooth, lightly-colored skin. She was so beautiful.
Asuka Langley Sohryou, the girl who he had at first hated, then admired, then loved (or did he simply desire her?), then hated all over again, was just as beautiful as ever, even though she looked like hell at the same time. She had miles of bandaging gauze wrapped around her head, covering her left eye. He could not help but be curious as to whether or not the socket still housed its resident. Her right arm was completely encased in the stuff as well. It almost looked like someone had started to mummify her but felt uninclined to finish what they had begun. Shinji was not a doctor by any means, though, and even if he was he could not gauge the extent of her superficial injuries just by looking.
But all he could do was stare. He was so muddled that he forgot all about his pledge to never again be indecisive. Aside from Gendo, this was source of all his anger, his hatred, his frustration. He knew that she would never return romantic affection for him, but he wasn't unrealistic. He at least thought they could be friends, or establish some kind of truce. It was never meant to be, not with Asuka. Every last goddamn thing had to be a race with her, a competition for superiority. It was a battle that, no matter what, he lost; if he won, she would get mad because she wasn't the best, that she was weaker than him (because there was nothing worse than being weaker than Shinji Ikari), and would put him down and belittle him. When she won, it fed her ego and reinforced her belief in her innate superiority over him, and thus he was unworthy of her attention, so she abused him still. If they tied, she refused to acknowledge him as an equal.
In Asuka's mind, nobody could possibly be equal to her. No one was allowed to be better than her. They either had to follow her lead or pay the price.
The battle was nowhere near as intense when it was over who was the better Eva pilot. Every day that Asuka's synch scores surpassed both his and Rei's, she never let them forget it. Not only did she insist on rubbing it in continuously, but she had no qualms about letting her disgust for them known, claiming that he was weak and spineless and that Rei was just a doll who only did what she was told. She hated them because they were lower than her. Once Shinji's synch ratios began to surpass Asuka's, however, her hatred for him grew near exponentially. She then hated him for being better than her. No matter what Shinji did, she found something to hate about him. He was pretty sure she'd hate him if they were equal, God forbid that anyone be an equal to the great Asuka Langley Sohryou.
Shinji had never learned much about Asuka except that after her mind rape, Misato had told him that her mother had become psychotic and eventually committed suicide when Asuka was only seven. While this certainly went a long way to solve the enigma that was Asuka, he still had so many unanswered questions. Somehow, he felt, more had happened to her than she was letting on, that her mother was not the end of it. At times, she could be completely bipolar, spewing ungodly amounts of venom at him one moment and then being contently calm around him the next. She was a myriad of contradictions; she detested having to rely upon others, it was almost punishable by death to even offer to help her, yet when he saved her from the volcano, he could see the look of gratitude on her face through the comms channel, even though she technically never thanked him.
She didn't want to let anyone in, wanted to keep everyone at a distance, yet she hated being ignored, couldn't stand anyone leaving her. Either she didn't know what she really wanted, or she was throwing a self-pity party that topped any Shinji had ever thrown for himself time and time again. Why did she allow herself to get close to her former guardian and first crush, the cool, smooth spy and Misato's lover, Kaji Ryoji? Why did she become such good friends with their class representative, Hikari Horaki, besides the fact that Hikari was just naturally a friendly person to all regardless? What was so special about those two that she broke her solemn vow never to become attached to anyone? Why did she have to be so damn proud all the time? What was it that was so horrific about her that she hid it from everyone else with a wall of stubborn pride?
He knew Asuka to be a strong, confident, and independent person, but her hubris turned these good qualities into qualities made her almost unlovable. She could never admit defeat, death being preferable to retreat and facing failure. She had made this very clear on numerous occasions, none more so than when Rei saved her from the fifteenth. She absolutely detested, above all else, being weaker than anyone, and always had to have something to prove. It was almost like their synch scores had become her world, that as long as she could synch with her Eva more efficiently, than nothing else mattered.
Shinji had no innate desire to make her suffer like that. He never asked to have a higher synch score, it just happened. Even though he piloted Eva in order to be accepted, he hated every moment of it, and could care less if Asuka was the best or the worst. Maybe that was part of the reason she hated him so much; he was somehow just naturally good at piloting while she spent the last seven years of her life training. He had absolutely no training when he faced the third Angel, he didn't dedicate half his lifetime to being the best, yet he had far more kills than her. Yet if he didn't try, Asuka would know and become angrier that he hadn't tried, that it was a hollow victory and that she only won by default.
If Shinji surpassed her, she hated him for being stronger. If Asuka surpassed him, she hated him for being weak. If she won because he didn't try, she hated him for letting her win. If they tied, she hated him for being equal. No matter where he stood, he was always in the path of her rampage and always right next to her mouth as she let loose her war cry. It was as if she needed to hate him, that there could be no other alternative, as if liking him was the same as admitting defeat.
Compounding all of this was the fact that Shinji was not the kind of person who loved a good confrontation. He had spent a good decade of his life running away from his problems, be it whether he physically ran away from home or if he simply ignored the rest of the world and withdrew into himself and his head set. He felt so little self-worth that he had come to believe that every time something undesirable happened, it was somehow his fault. Asuka saw this and took full advantage of this weakness, walking all over him. She constantly teased him and belittled him, putting him down and despising him because he would not stand up for himself. "Having no spine" is what she called it. Yet on those rare moments when he did stand up for himself, she quickly stomped out the insurrection by knocking him down again, humbling him.
Again, if Shinji allowed her to talk down to him like that, she hated him because he did not defend himself and stand up for himself. If he did stand up for himself, she hated him for disobeying her and for not showing the "proper respect" that she oh so deserved.
He seriously pondered what went through her mind when she agreed to move in with both him and Misato. If she truly hated him that much, she'd want to avoid him as much as possible, right? Or did having a lowly underling following her every command somehow pamper her ego even more? Why did she even bother coming to school with him? She was already a college graduate, having obtained at least two degrees from one of the German universities, what could she hope to gain from a junior-high education besides learning the Kanji that she STILL didn't know by now?
If she hated him so much, she would want to avoid him as much as possible, which logically meant that she'd only want to interact with him (to a minimal) at NERV. So why, then, did she tolerate his presence at home and school as well? Did he really mean so little to her that she somehow felt it was her right, her duty, to constantly remind him of how little he meant to her? Was it comforting for her to put down somebody weaker than herself, to watch him wriggle like the worm that he was?
Shinji was suddenly reminded of a conversation that he had with her. Except, was this an actual memory, or was this....was this a vision he had when imaginary Rei was conversing with him? Was this one of a series of possible realities that he was shown?
Shinji walks into the kitchen of their apartment and sees Asuka sitting at the table, her head buried in her hands as if she has been crying.
"You don't understand anything. You just stay away from me." Asuka half-heartedly screamed.
"I do understand." Shinji whined.
"You couldn't possibly, you jerk! You really think you can ever know me? You think you can even help me? Don't make me laugh! You're such a moron! You will never understand!" Asuka was growing louder, colder, and the look in her eyes were speaking of heinous acts of homicide.
"How can I ever understand you if you won't say anything? You never talk to me, but you expect me to understand you! That's IMPOSSIBLE!" His impatience with her was peaking. "I wanna stay with you, Asuka... and I want to help you. But, I don't know what to do." Shinji is on the verge of tears and he was whining again.
"Then don't do anything. Don't come near me. All you ever do is hurt me." Anger dominates her tone, but it also betrays a small sense of hurt.
"Asuka, help me! Please! Asuka, you're the only person that can help me!" He is crying now.
"Liar." Her tone is becoming quieter, colder.
"Asuka..."
"Anyone will do. You don't care who it is! You're afraid of Misato, and of Wonder Girl. You're afraid of your mother and father, too! So now you come running to me..."
"No, I need you to help me-"
"because that's the easiest way to keep from getting hurt! You never even loved yourself! You're all you have and you never even learned to like yourself!"
Asuka shoves Shinji back with purposeful malice. He bumps into the counter before falling to the floor, knocking over the coffee pot that is resting on top. The scolding hot liquid falls all over him while glass shatters against the floor.
"How pathetic." Asuka musters out with as much sting as possible.
Shinji gets back up and starts to break down. "Help me. Somebody... please, help me. Help me. Help me...somebody...please help me. Somebody, HELP ME! Don't leave me alone! Don't abandon me! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!"
"No."
That is the last thing that can escape Asuka's mouth before he clasps both of his hands around her neck and begins to deprive her of her life. His teeth clench and his eyes become bloodshot, various shades of violence and rage racing through his mind. As the maelstrom of his mind gains momentum, his grip on her becomes tighter and tighter. Why can she not understand that she is his only salvation? Why does she lead him on only to deny him at the critical moment? It doesn't matter, if she will not give him what he wants....what he DESERVES, he will take it from her by force. She will be made to understand. She will not be allowed the pleasure of shooting him down this time.
This is a long time coming.
He could remember nothing additional after choking her. He didn't know if that was because he blocked it out somehow or it was indeed a vision. He could almost still feel her neck being cradled in his hands before the fingers contracted with great brute force, preventing precious air from reaching her lungs. And it had felt....pleasant wasn't the word, it was more of a kind of satisfaction. Almost like....sweet vengeance, maybe even justice. He wanted to shut her up, keep the words that he didn't want to hear anymore from escaping her mouth, make her experience his wrath for once.
He wanted to make her pay for everything she's done to him.
He had done it, in this vision/fantasy of his, and it had been good for him.
He fought to suppress the grin.
He especially remembered that last bit about taking what he needed from her, how he had felt deprived of something that was rightfully his. What did he need from her, exactly? To save him from his pain and sorrow? To accept him? To LOVE him?
Shinji was no longer even sure why he had fallen in love with Asuka, or that he ever truly was in love. The shear concept was lunacy enough as it is, given that very few people could put up with her attitude and constant mood swings. He had liked to believe that he found out during their synch training, when she had slept-walked into his half of the training room and fell asleep next to him. He was about to lean in and kiss her when she softly cried out for her momma, with a glistening becoming apparent in her eyes. It was then that he knew that she was not just some bitchy spoiled brat, but was instead a lost and hurt soul just like him. He had gotten but a glimpse into her world, and he was intrigued by what he saw. He wanted to get to know her better, perhaps she could understand him when no one else could. Maybe, they could even help one another exorcise their respective demons. Even though he could not tell her how he felt because he was too afraid of her reaction, he had secretly hoped that she felt the same way. He had hoped that his affections were at least partially conveyed when he kept her from falling down into the lava of the volcano, disobeying a direct order not to engage.
Yet all of that was completely demolished after her mind rape. Not only was her confidence broken, she became crueler and more distant day after day. He would ask her to talk to him, try to comfort her, but she would just push away, sometimes violently. She even seemed to be angry with him for not saving her from the fifteenth, which confused Shinji even more because she was pretty adamant about dying before retreating or asking for assistance. He wanted to save her, there was no doubt, and he was prepared to disobey orders again, but before he could activate his Eva the nerve connections were cut, rendering him immobile. He felt guilt for not being able to save her then, and he felt even more guilt at not being able to save her now. Eventually she moved out altogether and went to stay with Hikari. He never really saw her after that, not even at NERV. And then once the sixteenth Angel had been destroyed, she disappeared for an entire week before she was recovered, having been found in a catatonic state of depression.
That was a fateful event that even in this very moment still plagues Shinji's conscience. He had gone to visit Asuka, feeling that she was the only one he could turn to. His friends had all moved out of Tokyo-3 for fear of their lives, he could no longer talk to Rei because of what she was, and Misato was never home anymore and he didn't know how to save her from whatever it was that was ailing her. He didn't even know how to save himself. That was why he needed someone. Anyone. It didn't matter who, but since Asuka was the only one left....
Was that the significance of his vision? Did it really matter who helped him, or was Asuka just the convenient last resort? Was that why Asuka was mad? Because she didn't truly feel needed? What did he really want from her, anyway?
Shinji is crying. He is standing in Room 303, the hospital room where they are currently treating Asuka for her depression. She's lying on her left side, looking away from Shinji. If he could see her eyes, they would be completely glazed over. They contain a very empty look, as if the occupant of this lump of flesh had abandoned all hope and left. She just lies there, unresponsive, not caring, not even blinking. While there is light coming in through the partially-closed blinds, the room feels very dark and grey, as if all color had been drained out along with the patient's essence.
Shinji speaks to the unconscious Asuka in a melancholy whisper. "Both Misato and Ayanami are scary...Help me...Help me, Asuka."
She just continues to lie there, not saying a word.
"Hey..wake up. Wake up." Shinji gets a bit louder and more desperate.
Still nothing.
"Wake up. Hey..Hey..Asuka..Asuka..ASUKA!" Again with his incessant whining!
It would seem she has no interest in showing any response today.
He can feel his own frustration growing, he's GOT to do something to wake her up. He grabs her by the shoulders and begins to shaker her, each agitation more aggressive than the last.
"Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me! Call me a fool, just like every other day!"
Though it is not his intention, he shakes her so hard that not only do the bed covers fall away and reveal a scantily-clad Asuka in panties and a button-up shirt that exposes her mid-drift, she also twists onto her back. In addition, the buttons on her shirt have become unfastened from their anchors, exposing her pair of perfectly-shaped breasts to the world.
Several lines of thought race through Shinji's fragile little mind, struggling for priority. The first thought is indifference. Except for her naked chest, the site is nothing new to Shinji seeing how Misato struts around the apartment in her own revealing undergarments all the time. Asuka's evening wear is not much better. Though such sites still made him blush heavily, he has grown accustomed to it to the point of not even bringing it up anymore.
The next thought is decency. Again, nothing new to the lad of fourteen. Years of humility and manners tell him to look the other way, to avert his eyes, to pull the covers back over her, to do anything that will change the current scenery. If he acted on this whim, it wouldn't surprise anyone at all if he bowed his head and apologized a hundred times.
But even though these are the first thoughts that come to mind, they are surprisingly quiet. A new thought loudly pushes for dominance, trying to force him to action. No, this is not a new feeling at all. He has felt this before. He can feel its presence when he does see them parading around in their underwear, giving a teasing hint at what nature has endowed them with. He felt it after the volcano incident when they went to the hot spring spa, when he could hear Misato and Asuka horse-playing on the other side of the fence. He noticed the presence whenever he saw Asuka or any of the other female schoolmates in their swim suits. He REALLY took notice when Asuka would explode out of the shower with nothing more than a towel that barely covered her from her neck to her upper thigh.
It is this feeling that, when said occurrences happen, is accompanied by certain 'impure' thoughts. Shinji, having had no one to give him a talk about the effects of puberty, was not informed that such reactions are normal for a teenage boy. As such, he believes that the reaction is somehow unnatural, that he is sick for letting it happen. This is a large part of the reason why he is so uncomfortable around women; he does not know why such things happen to him when attractive females are around him, that this is neither appropriate nor healthy behavior. He basically doesn't know how to behave around them. Especially after Asuka arrived into his life and made constant accusations that he was a pervert, a hentai, and ecchi, he went to great lengths to push those thoughts out of his mind before they could take anchor. He is not ignorant about sexual intercourse and masturbation and what they are, but he does not allow himself to perform either act, especially the latter, because only weak, desperate people resort to such an act, and Shinji is not that desperate, not that low and worthless.
However, he finds himself unable to block out the impure thoughts this time. Shinji isn't entirely sure if this is because he isn't trying hard enough or if it was because he isn't trying at all. He has been feeling fairly depressed lately, was that causing him to not be able to focus?
Or, more frighteningly, does he just not care anymore?
The images race through him as if they are happening before his eyes; Shinji and Asuka in various sexual positions that he had heard about from Touji and Kensuke, Shinji fondling Asuka, Asuka moaning and panting in sexual ecstasy, Shinji penetrating into Asuka's core. The images slam into his mind's eye one by one, faster and faster as more arrive. As all of this is happening, Shinji can feel his manhood quite literally rising to the occasion. It has become sensitive and pulses with pleasure, summoning into it almost a year's worth of pent-up sexual energy like a giant capacitor, ready discharge the energy at any moment.
This is....arousal?
He likes what he sees? Is a half-naked Asuka sprawled over a bed exciting to him?
Is this what he wanted from her all along?
Being unable to contain himself, Shinji heads for the door and closes it, locking it behind him. He cannot afford to be interrupted or discovered, not when he is like this. Not when he is this filthy. Not when he is so close to his goal. As he undoes the zipper to his pants, exposing himself to Asuka and the world, even darker sexual thoughts begin to fly at him. He knows that he is not strong enough to pull away, that he cannot and will not pull away. He's too close now, he must have release. The call is beyond anything he has ever received, he MUST answer it. He MUST do this. Yet he begins to debate with himself internally.
She's had this a long time coming.
'What?!'
All these months of her running her fucking mouth, claiming she's better than you. All these months of her calling you a hentai baka, only to have her make her own hentai advances at you and then push you down. The constant cock-teasing, the attention whoring, that kiss......
'I don't understand, what do you want from me?'
Why are you asking ME that? What is it that YOU want? What do YOU want from Asuka?
'Umm...N.n.nothing.'
LIAR. She may be a bitch and a slut, but she's a good looking one.
'What's that got to do with it!'
Don't pretend like you don't know. You want to shove yourself into her cunt. You want to do it nice and rough, too. She needs to get hammered, she needs YOU to hammer her. What do your friends call it? Grudge fucking?
'B.b.but I can't do THAT!'
Why not? You know you'd sell your left arm and leg for a chance to get her in the sack.
'That's not true!'
The locked door behind you and the hardened shaft in front of you say otherwise.
'NO! IT'S WRONG!'
Yet here you are. What's the matter, don't you wanna give it to her? After all the shit you've put up with, don't you deserve something for yourself? Doesn't she deserve what's coming to her? Ehe, 'coming.'
'What you're talking about is RAPE!'
Hasn't she raped you? The constant putting you down, the insults, refusing you cut you any slack? She overpowers you, does whatever she wants, takes whatever she wants, then leaves you to bleed! Don't be her little bitch anymore!
'NO! I won't do it!'
You're way too tense, you know that? C'mon, it'll be fun! How's she gonna find out about it? Or who cares if she finds out? She probably needs to get laid, too.
'LEAVE ME ALONE!'
DO IT!
'NOOOO!!! I DON'T WANNA! I....I....'
He cannot lie to the voice. It is very tempting to take her virginity from her, assuming the skank is still a virgin. Her perfect form, with all the right curves in all the right places, is screaming at him "TAKE ME!" Relief is now arriving; he sets to satisfy himself.
two minutes later
Shinji unlocks the door, exits the room, and closes the door behind him. He took care to button Asuka's shirt back up and pull the covers over her again. All with his unsoiled hand, of course. His other hand, however, is still wet with his spent seed, the smell of his own arousal sickening him. He can not deny that the act was very much enjoyable, that he would probably do it again. Realizing this and coming to grips with what he has just done, he feels as if he should be made to suffer a horrible, agonizing torture before death finally arrives to carry him into the depths of hell.
He had wanted to rape Asuka, take what he needed and make her pay at the same time. But he could not bring himself to do it. Something prevented him from going that far, something he has felt before, though his head was spinning too much to place it. It had clawed its way through the walls of his mind, seizing control at the critical moment. It didn't stop him from answering the call of nature, it was an impossibility to overcome such raw, primal power, but it did prevent him from doing any further damage, prevent him from doing something truly regretful. It had convinced him that he would rather taint himself than taint Asuka.
Yet even so, Shinji doesn't feel like he's a hero of any sorts. If anything, he feels as if he's the world's most demented villain. Masturbating was equivalent to having intercourse with the unconscious red-head; either way, he took something from her, used her to his own ends. He had sunken to her level, granted Asuka had never used him like this, if you don't count that "kiss," at least. Worse than that, he had sunk to the level of his own father. He had treated someone like a tool, without even caring what happens to the victim.
"I'm so fucked up." His head is bowed and his eyes are closed as he says this, his voice cracking.
He bee-lines for the nearest washroom and proceeds to douse off his hand, but after five harsh scrubbings and half a container of liquid soap, he cannot seem to feel clean. It is not just his hand, though, it is every portion of his being. All that time trying not to be the very thing Asuka had said he was, trying not to prove her point that he would take advantage of her if he could, trying to believe that he wasn't just attracted to her in the physical sense. Is the lust for her beauty, for her body, for this pleasure, the reason that he put up with her for so long? It was a lot of trouble to go through just to partake of that aspect of her, granted, but even so, if he had truly loved her, if he had really CARED for HER, he would never have done something like this. Ever.
Right?
He can never face her again, not after what just happened. And he most certainly cannot visit her in the hospital anymore, who knows what he might do the next time? Whatever stopped him from raping her today might not be strong enough tomorrow. He simply can not trust himself around her anymore. He must run away from her, just like he runs away from everything else.
Shinji arrives at the conclusion, then, that Asuka cannot help him. He has sunk down to a level so low that it defies classification. He is lower than dirt, he is the grime of grime. He is beyond hope, beyond salvation, the only thing left for him is to roll over and die.
To the outside observer, the scene includes a now visibly shaken Shinji standing over an unconscious Asuka. His breathing is slow, but shallow. He is baring his teeth, his hands are resting at his sides, opening and closing, a trademark signature of his that let people know that he was faced with something he really didn't want to face, and he is frowning at the helpless girl with a gaze that suggests that half of him is in sorrow and self-disgust while the other half speaks of unbridled anger and loathing.
He hates her for denying him what he needed, he despises himself for not being there for her, he hates her for making him feel this way, he hates how she always treated him like a toy, he wishes a pox upon himself for taking out his own frustrations on her, he is disgusted that he has sunk to her level. He hates how she always acts superior, he hates how she is superior, he hates how he had destroyed her by becoming the superior one, he hates that she needed to be humbled like that. He hates how she won't talk to him, he hates her for demanding respect but never showing it, he hates not being worthy of her time, he hates himself for not being whatever it was that she sought, he hates not being able to help her when it counted.
He hates her for not helping him in his time of need.
He hates extending the hand of friendship to her, only to have his arm ripped from its socket.
He hates her because hate is all that he has left for her now.
He hates himself more for not being strong enough to help her in her time of need.
He hates that he caused her to be as she is now, and in doing so drove himself to this.
He hates what he has done to himself.
And finally, he curses whoever had placed her stinking, miserable carcass in front of his own stinking, miserable carcass.
He knows that if she stayed, he'd only hurt her and that's she WOULD hurt him. Happiness was not possible between these two, pain was the only thing that could ever exist between them. Accepting pain if it meant that a chance for happiness actually existed was one thing, but accepting continuous pain....he was through with that. He could find the happiness with anyone else, but he would never find it with her. The joy he derives from her not yelling at him or insulting him doesn't count; that's just a moment of peace and quiet, nothing more than a fake happiness. It could never be enough to sustain him. Their relationship, complex enough as it is, was the epitome of hurt. Besides, he would also lose the peace which he had finally found. Already, just by looking at her, his inwards are already back in turmoil. He knows...they BOTH know that as long as both of them exist in one another's presence, it will not be possible for them to come to an understanding. She is everything he isn't and wants to be; strong, sure of herself, and answering to no one. He is that which she had expelled from herself and could not stand; weak and pitiful.
In truth, the only thing Shinji and Asuka could ever do for each other is hurt one another.
Was this not what Rei had warned him about? The reactivation AT Fields would cause people to be separated again and fear one another. People would once again be in pain.
She wouldn't be in pain for a whole lot longer.
Recalling that vision/fantasy he had of choking Asuka, Shinji kneels before her limp form and begins to strangle her. He makes sure to get a nice reach around, taking care to encompass as much of her trachea as he can. He wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. If this is what he had to do in order to be happy, if he had to take the life of someone who hated him anyway, someone he had also grown to hate in return, then it was worth the pain. Yet despite all she had done to him, he was still reluctant to hurt her out of spite and malice, especially in the ways that she still hurts him. But If it was true that all he does is cause her pain, then this final act would be the last pain he would ever inflict upon her. Then, maybe, she could find respite from her own darkness as well.
He sets to clenching his fingers with whatever strength he had available, feeling the warm pulse under her soft, delicate skin. He can feel the blood struggling to move through the now restricted arteries, denying Asuka's brain precious sustenance. She isn't even trying to breathe; it would be futile.
Shinji is so entranced in the moment that he almost fails to register something coming into contact with his cheek. It is soft and delicate, as if whatever is touching his face is being deliberately gentle. Diverting his eyes to the sensation, he notices a single bandaged hand. That hand is connected to a heavily bandaged arm, which is currently connected to a certain red-head in a cherry-red plug suit.
Is it really Asuka doing this? This gesture, it's....
Stunned at what has just transcribed, Shinji fails to notice that he has loosened his grip upon the Red Devil. He looks at her face and notices that her one good eye, a shiny blue eye, is half-open, staring up at him. Asuka is staring into his eyes, as if she is looking for something within them. Within HIM. And her eye also seems to be broadcasting a message to her brown-haired observer. It seems to plead a mixture of "I don't want to die!" and "Please forgive me!"
'Stop looking at me like that!' he cries with his own look. 'STOP IT! LET ME END IT HERE AND NOW!' He can feel the resolve slipping away through his finger tips. He cannot finish what he started, cannot even kill someone who deserves worse than death. He is simply too weak. Or is that he still loves her, and her caress was the sign that he has been waiting for after all this time? But he had already established that he does not really love her, that he only longs for the feel of her warm, soft flesh, the sight of her perfectly toned body, and the euphoria that only a woman's wiles could summon.
And in any case, it is impossible for anyone to love him. Misato didn't really love him, she just kept him around so that he'd settle her personal score with the Angels. Kensuke didn't really care about him, he just wanted to get closer to NERV in all its military glory. Touji didn't care to begin with, he just wanted to avenge his sickly sister and his now missing left arm and leg. The staff and NERV never gave a shit about him, it only mattered that he did his job so that they'd get to keep their lives and their pensions. The rest of the fucking planet could care less about him, so long as he rushes in and saves the day once more. Gendo never cared. At all. He only even bothered to speak to him when he wanted something of him. And finally, Asuka never cared, nor would she ever care, she just wants someone lower than her so that she won't have to face the fact that she is pathetic.
Then something else overtakes Shinji's mind. That same something that intervened when he was about to violate Asuka in her comatose state. It was also the same feeling that overtook him on several other occasions; when Touji asked him to hit him back, when he refused to fight the Angel-infected Unit03 for fear of hurting the pilot, whenever he got angry with someone, when he could temporarily understand Gendo's actions, and whenever Asuka would let her guard down on those extremely rare moments and reveal her true vulnerable self.
It is the same something that Asuka's look is begging him for. Begging.
This is not the same Asuka he knows.
Is this....mercy?
He feels mercy for her? She, who was second only to Gendo on the list of those who deserved to die horribly, she who had toyed with his heart and emotions time and time again? How can he feel mercy for HER? How can he feel something so precious and so beautiful for someone so undeserving and so ugly?
'It's not fair!' he whines inwardly. 'It wasn't suppose to be like this! She can't do this to me, not when I'm this close!' Feelings of self-loathing and disgust arise within him again as he tries to tighten his grip but discovers that his hands will not obey him. Surrendering the uphill battle being fought on the plane of his conscience and confused about the whole ordeal, Shinji begins to cry, the tears falling onto Asuka's chest. He pushes off of her and curls into a ball, hiding his shame and frustration from her, waiting for the barrage of insults and death threats that he knows he deserves. He can feel her gaze on his back, looking upon his crumpled, pitiful form, savoring her victory yet again.
"How disgusting." her angelic voice weakly mutters.
He doesn't even have to ask what she means by that.
And that's a wrap for chapter 2 (or chapter 1, I guess, since the previous chapter was a prologue of sorts. lol) Chapter 3 WILL be more dialogue-oriented, though.
Considering Shinji did try to kill Asuka, I've decided that he's not lubby-dubby or anything. He's confused, has a lot of angst, and is still trying to deal with Third Impact. Add to that Asuka's abuse, and....well like he said, he's fucked up.