Okay, this chapter is dedicated more to Shinji's thoughts on some of
the other characters in the series. Just a couple of them, but we'll
get more in later chapters, I promise.
Shinji is still trying to sort out his anger and frustration with Asuka, and it is currently manifesting itself as hatred. Unsurprising, seeing how she does kind of do things that warrant hatred.
I know I said one chapter a week, but I'm gonna see if I can't get a second chapter done this weekend. Again, no promises.
5. Memories, Part Un
Shinji had been walking around the dilapidated city for what he could only guess, since he was without a functioning time piece, was about five or six hours. The sun had set a while ago and, much to Shinji's delight and awe, the red glow of the sky had disappeared and gave way to an amazingly clear, cloudless sky, revealing the stars in all their glory. The red ring of souls still gave off its own luminescence, though, but it did naught to distort the view of the heavens.
He had searched far and wide during his travels, gathering all sorts of items and supplies, particularly those odds and ends that would aid him in carrying out his one-man quest to figure out a certain one-half German, five-sevenths mouth, and 100 attitude red-head.
The plan was dastardly simple; he was going to "capture" Asuka, tie her down, and force her to talk to him. After that, he would allow her to either leave or kill herself. It didn't really matter to Shinji, he wanted her gone just as urgently as she wanted nothing to do with him.
And that was it. That was his "grand, master plan." Not a very well thought-out plan, mind you, but Shinji didn't know what else to do. He had never before been in a situation such as this one, and he was simply having to improvise as he went along. Admittedly, though, the plan was choke-full of holes and lacked any sort of contingency. First there was the trick of successfully restraining and imprisoning Asuka, which he had assumed would be next to nothing until the physically sapped girl had lunged at him in a fit of rage that was befitting of a berserker Evangelion. Once that was settled, he had to make sure that she wouldn't somehow escape or break free from her bonds. He would also need to make sure that she didn't recover too quickly or too much, or else she would get away from his grasp. Then, of course, he had no guarantee that she would tell him the truth; she might just say whatever first came to mind, or she might even try playing some more of her mind games with him. Her college-level training in psychology would do nothing to make that fun for him. Or she might just sit there and refuse to talk, utilizing the tried-and-true method known as the silent treatment.
Thankfully, though, time wasn't a major factor, if it was a factor at all; he had all the time in the world, or what was left of the world, anyway. He was prepared to keep Asuka for weeks, months, even years if that's what it would take. He would eat, sleep, and answer all calls of nature in her presence if that's what it took. Even if she refused to eat, he would make no qualms about feeding her through an IV tube to keep her alive if he had to. Whatever it took, Shinji was not going to back down and walk away from this one. No sir.
But for now, the problem just mainly came down to getting Asuka to sit down and open up to him. Hell, the problem was just getting her to sit down at all. Shinji knew of her deep-seated hatred of him, and he did just try to strangle her to death mere hours ago. That doesn't exactly make one want to grace you with one's presence and engage in friendly conversation with you. The biggest obstacle of them all, however, would be knocking down that damn wall of pride of hers. Shinji could see the scenario playing out already; he'd ask Asuka to explain why she is the way she is, and it would quickly mutate into a one-sided verbal sparring with Asuka on the winning side. Then she'd more than likely try to attack him again.
As he wondered around making his preparations, Shinji found himself continuously questioning his own motives and cross-examining himself. Clearly he was still angry with Asuka and that he was through trying to reach out to her. He was tired of constantly fighting with her, of looking for something else besides angst and violence within her. He was especially tired of always being the recipient of her abuse and misguided assaults. He wanted her gone for good, wanted her to go away to some place where she could never hurt him again. It no longer mattered to him whether or not she was just as lonely and hurt as he was, she should rot in hell for everything she's done to him. He didn't care if it was blatant hypocrisy to reject her on the grounds that she caused him nothing but grief. The whole world was nothing BUT grief now, had ALWAYS been nothing but one giant fountain of misery, and frankly he was so sick of Asuka being the water source which fed that fountain. If he ever cared about her, or if he had ever done anything to indicate that he ever did, it had been a mistake, a fruitless endeavor, and he was determined to cut his losses and sever her from his life.
But if all of this was true, why did it matter to him how she had gotten to be such a terrible excuse for a waste of space? Why did he care why she was a bitch? It wouldn't do him any good to possess that knowledge now, not after their little skirmish, which had undoubtedly rendered them as irreconcilable foes in one another's eyes. It would have never done him any good at all, because she was simply too stubborn and too proud to admit to anything, to let anyone in.
Even that wasn't completely true. She had no problem trying to win Kaji's affections and becoming best friends with Hikari. Why were those two so special that she let them in? What did Shinji ever do that was so wrong that Asuka pushed away from him the hardest?
Thinking about it for a moment, it wasn't really that hard to figure out what made Kaji and Hikari so unique. Both were just very friendly and warm people by their nature. Maybe she figured it was just her duty as the representative of Class 2-A, but Hikari went out of her way to befriend everyone. From what Shinji understood, she had even tried to get to know Rei on a few occasions. Hikari had never really given up on that project, but she also decided to respect Rei's need for personal space. She took her role as class-rep very seriously, to the point that she automatically expected her fellow students to pay her respect, and at times she could be rather domineering. But Shinji had more or less seen that it was just a public persona that she would wear. Beneath the overbearing class leader was a 14 year-old girl who worked hard to raise her three younger siblings all on her own, what with her mother long since deceased and her father working long hours to financially support his family. In that light, it made sense that Hikari could be bossy at times. She was already rather mature for her age, having to practically raise a family all by herself, so she had to come down hard on her fellow students in order to set a good example. In many ways, she was already an adult, and so it was only natural that she demand respect from her "kids."
Perhaps that was why Asuka took to Hikari so quickly. Asuka kept it no big secret that she herself was already a woman in terms of both wisdom, form, and maturity. She had neither the time nor the inclination to grace stupid, hentai little boys with her divine presence. At times, it felt like Asuka had this need to appear older than she really was, as if she had some deep-seated fear of being looked down upon as a mere child. So perhaps Asuka found solace in being in the presence of one who was as mature as she was. And Hikari also seemed to treat Asuka in the same regard. When she wasn't letting Asuka boss HER around, ironic as that may be.
That might have been another part of it. Hikari, despite being on near-equal footing with Asuka (remember, no one can dare hope to be an equal to the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou), was just another one of the Red Demon's minions, someone who looked sheepishly to Asuka as something better than the current way of things, something to emulate. Hikari almost never had any harsh criticisms of the red-head, dismissing her arrogance as simple inner strength and confidence. Shinji didn't really know if Hikari believed her accusations that he was a voyeuristic pervert, but she did seem to side with Asuka on issues more often than she sided with Shinji.
That didn't keep Hikari from getting to know Shinji, however. In spite of whatever lies, misinformation, and propaganda Asuka had spread about him, Hikari still spoke with him, even treated him as a friend from time to time. It took him a while to warm up to her, but once he saw her out of class-rep mode, he had managed to do it.
As for Kaji...well, Kaji just had this air about him that bespoke of trust, like he really did care about getting to know you. Even when Shinji was nervous and shy (as he always was) upon meeting him, Kaji just plastered that smirk of his on his face. It was a smirk that really made you feel welcome, that pretty much said for him "hi, I'm Kaji Ryoji, but you can call me Kaji, so tell me about yourself." Since he was a spy, maybe it was just Kaji's job to be smooth like that. It probably went a long way to be out-going and sociable in the world of intelligence-gathering and espionage, otherwise you never establish any contacts and never gather any information. But whether or not it was something that he had to develop over time or just had to begin with, Shinji could not doubt that he could be comfortable around Kaji, that he didn't have to worry about being himself when he was with the thirty-something gentleman. Much like Kaurou, Kaji seemed to understand how reserved and meek Shinji was, and that it required much effort and courage on his part to open up to others. He had spoken with Kaji on several occasions, looking to him for guidance and advice. Kaji seemed to take great pride in this, but not because it stroked his ego that Shinji was coming to him, but because Shinji would place such trust in the man.
When Shinji had resigned from NERV the second time and the fourteenth Angel appeared, Shinji ran from the ruined civilian shelter and found an eerily calm Kaji attending to his water melon patch. He told Shinji that this was the place he'd rather be if he were to die because this was all that he could do, that he was powerless to do anything else in light of the situation. But there was something that Shinji could do, that ONLY Shinji could do. Kaji didn't ask him, beg him, berate him, or even yell at him to go back to the Eva. He passed no judgment whatsoever. But his words were far from neutral. They seemed to carry with them the confidence that Kaji was investing in the boy, that they conveyed his faith that Shinji would do the right thing. This resonated with Shinji on hidden levels, touching his very soul. Kaji was really only stating the obvious, but it had been what Shinji had needed to hear, that he did indeed have power over his own destiny, that he did have the power to choose. He didn't have to choose to keep fighting, he could walk away at any time, but whatever he chose to do, HE was the deciding factor. HE was the last word, and so he needed to choose his words wisely.
Kaji might not have known it, but he had made a pivotal difference in Shinji's life, just by being there when it really counted.
There was many a time when Shinji wished long and hard that Kaji could have been his father. He was far more than Gendo could ever be. He regretted not having somebody like Kaji as he was growing up.
He regretted even more that he never told Kaji that.
Maybe Asuka had also found that comfort. Maybe she didn't feel threatened by Kaji, that she didn't have to keep up her defenses around him.
But the larger part of it was probably her hormones. She was very smitten with Kaji, to the point that it could have been considered an unhealthy obsession. She tried to follow him around and monitor him so much that it was border-line stalking. That was another aspect of Asuka that she made no effort to hide; her "love" of Kaji. Perhaps she really was in love with him, Shinji would never really know, but everyone else seemed to think that it was just a natural teenage infatuation. This never stopped her from comparing Shinji to Kaji, though, pointing out every minute flaw that the baka possessed.
In Asuka's eyes, Kaji was the pinnacle of man. He was polite, handled matters in a delicate yet firm manner, and he was quite handsome, in a rugged sort of way (Shinji thinking this from a purely non-homosexual perspective, of course). His loose neck tie, his shirt unbuttoned at the top, his pony tail, and the stubble on his face that never went away gave him a very casual and untamed yet sensual aura, one that few ladies could resist. Maybe it just gave him a sort of "bad boy" image, something that Shinji would never understand women's attraction to. And, probably because of his role as a spy, he was very good at the art of talking, listening, and seducing.
In short, Kaji was the quintessential lady-killer.
At the same time, however, he was steady in his beliefs, never being swayed or distracted from what he really wanted. He didn't take shit from anybody, never being afraid to stand up for what he believed in. He wasn't afraid to be told "no," not that he would take no for an answer, though.
He was basically what Shinji was not.
Should he really be surprised that Asuka cared so much about Kaji and nothing for him?
For Shinji, that was what made Kaji a real man. He had confidence in himself, confidence that he would do the best that he could, that he would do the "right" thing. Maybe he was a bad boy in some ways, but at his core Kaji was really a good guy.
He often wondered if Asuka saw that, or if all she saw was Kaji's unshaven good looks and his boyish charms.
'Whatever.' Shinji thought to himself.
What the hell did he care who Asuka let in and didn't let in?
Why should he care that Asuka loved and respected Kaji but treated him like dirt?
But Shinji knew the answer to his own answer. Back when he had been foolish enough to want to get close to Asuka, he couldn't help but feel like Kaji was an obstacle of sorts. For as long as Asuka pined over Kaji, he had no chance of even being worthy to be seen by her.
At least in part, he had been jealous of Kaji for having something Shinji could not even hope to have.
It was very much like how he resented Rei in some ways because she was probably the only person Gendo was close to.
But he cared deeply for both Rei and Kaji, and it sometimes tore him apart inwardly that he could care for them but also hate them simply because they were blessed with something he didn't deserve anyways.
He held no resentment for either of them now, though. The two biggest mistakes that Shinji had ever made in his life were thinking that he and Gendo could start over and thinking that Asuka would ever even consider him a homo sapien.
It was a pretty close tie between the two, though.
So what if he knew the cause of all her problems with the world and life in general? Such things had no bearing on him personally, and even if he tried to help her there was a much better chance of the Angels writing an official letter of apology to the world and offering fellatio to all the leaders than there was of Asuka accepting help from anybody, much less "baka" Shinji.
Why should he be curious as to why Asuka hated him so much that she constantly went out of her way to torment him?
How could he be so foolish as to spare somebody like THAT?
She wasn't worthy of his mercy. She wasn't ever worthy of his effort. And by God, she certainly wasn't even worthy of his concern and tears. Come to think of it, maybe there was nothing to be ashamed of for masturbating right in front of her while she was comatose. That was probably one of the few things the German whore DID deserve. Besides, the act was pleasant, to say the least. If something is pleasant, it means that it must be good for you on some level, give or take a little moderation. So it must be okay to do it, because only the truly "good" things in life make you feel happy.
But what is "happy?" Where do you find it?
Are "good," "happy," and "pleasant" necessarily interchangeable?
What if the happiness is false? It still makes you happy, doesn't it? So what's wrong with being happy in that regard?
Was he happy pleasuring himself like that, or was he simply satiated?
Of all the people that had to return from Instrumentality, why the hell did it have to be HER? Still, Shinji had to admit that things could have been much worse; Gendo could have somehow come back.
Okay, things wouldn't be THAT much worse.
He could really kick himself for not putting her out of his misery.
Short of pure curiosity, Shinji could not fathom why his determination to understand Asuka was so strong. Maybe it was part of his punishment for destroying Humanity. Until the end of time, he would be damned with this drive to undertake this impossible task that would cause him nothing but suffering and ruin.
Maybe Asuka had been right all along and Shinji was just a damn fool.
Or, maybe this torment was straight from God Himself, communicating His obvious displeasure at how events had unfolded.
But if there was an all-knowing, all-powerful God that had also had infinite mercy, He wouldn't have let Humanity end like this. He would have stepped in and shared some of that mystical divine intervention of His. And no "God" that met the aforementioned qualifications would have let His own creations suffer the great tribulation that was the Angels.
What did Shinji care about God, anyway? This was Japan; Buddhism and Taoism were prominent here, not Judeo-Christian beliefs that he knew nothing about anyway. Not that it mattered to Shinji, religion had never been a part of his life. It felt pointless and phony apologizing to an unseen force for being a "bad" person and promising that you'd do better, only to just end up making the same mistakes over and over again regardless. It was especially perfect when people would ignore their god or gods when things were swell, but instantly run to them in tears when things got too much for them to handle, as if gods were idiotic enough to want to damn themselves to clean up the same mess a billion times over. He also just saw it as a form of running away, that it was just a cop-out to pray to your deity whenever things didn't go your way. Praying did nothing, anyway. It was just another false comfort; the act would go unheeded and unnoticed, and all you had managed to do was set yourself up to be let down and get hurt once more.
All of this coming from someone who did nothing BUT run away for the past decade of his life.
All of this from a boy who apologized for the same sets of errors continuously.
All of this from a lonely little boy who shut everyone out, then wondered why nobody tried to help him when he needed them to.
And the sad part is, he probably would've gone to worship anyway if somebody had told him to. He probably would have kept attending, too, if nobody ever told him to stop.
Just like that cello...
The final possibility as to his predicament was that there was no answer, no convenient person, event, or thing to brand as the scapegoat. Life is just a bitch sometimes and then you die.
As that old American saying still goes, "shit happens."
Whatever the reason, at least one other thing was beginning to bother Shinji. When Unit01 had transformed into the Tree of Life and became the medium through which the souls of all people transferred into Rei/Lilith, he could feel all their thoughts, their minds moving through him and momentarily linking with him. And then, of course, he was linked to them all once again when he had been absorbed into Instrumentality for that brief moment in time. For at least a couple of minutes, Shinji's mind was one with everyone else's, his own thoughts diffusing into their minds much as theirs diffused into his. Thoughts became like air, shared and taken in by all. He remembered the feeling of oneness, the connection and sharing of hopes and dreams, the interaction of the collective whole of Humanity.
This mixing of the minds was also the only way he could currently explain why he knew about SEELE and its motives, as well as other things that neither Dr. Akagi nor Misato had made him privy to. Why, then, could he remember nothing else? Surely he must at least have some sort of memory from some random person in the world. Why, then, could he not call forth such information? Why couldn't he seem to summon any thoughts from the people he DID know? Where were the memories of Misato, Touji, Kensuke, and Kaji? Was there a possibility that Rei and Kaoruo's memories were also in there?
And then, of course, why couldn't he seem to recollect any thoughts that had to be the exclusive property of Asuka Langley Sohryou?
But of course THAT would have been far too easy. Where was the entertainment value to be found by whoever or whatever was watching him and laughing at him from afar if he already had all the answers? And of course, he could never hope for things to be that simple with Asuka. He had a feeling that reading her would be like reading a high-class university text book; you could understand the language, but that didn't mean you'd understand the concepts and the vocabulary.
Still, no matter how you tried to explain it away or justify it, the math just ended with a bad summation and a splitting headache. Considering that his psyche had touched three billion other psyches, you'd think he could come up with something else other than he was just a pawn in some played-out "take over the world" plot that was 2000 years in the making (or however old those stupid scrolls were).
It bothered Shinji to no end. He considered the possibility that his exposure to the consciousness of Humanity was so brief that he simply didn't have enough time to take it all in and remember it, but that did little to extinguish his doubts. It just didn't seem to make any sense to him that he could be in the presence of something so great, so...different, and then not remember anything about it beyond a conversation that resulted in him ending up here. But Shinji decided that it was taking too much out of him to try to deal with it now. Besides, he had other things to be worrying about. Namely, someone who shall remain nameless but has an ego the size of Rei/Lilith's head and a near-obsession with all things red in appearance.
Shinji, it seemed, had at least a little bit of good fortune left on his side. He had been able to get a hold of at least three weeks worth of instant-make meals, dry goods, and canned foods of all sorts (to the curious, Shinji was currently pushing around a shopping cart, so he wasn't particularly laboring to carry everything under his arms. He also had a couple of back packs for those instances where a cart simply wasn't going to fit), and what he could not bring with him wasn't going to be disappearing on its own. Food was definitely NOT going to be a problem for a while, even if he shared with Asuka. Refrigerated and frozen goods would eventually thaw out and rot, since it would seem electricity took a permanent leave of absence when Third Impact came a callin', but for at least a few years, he guessed, it would be absolutely no hassle to move about and scavenge for more food.
Having no idea if or when tap water would give out, he also thought to stock up on bottled water, finding several gallon-sized jugs of it. It would all get consumed if he decided to bathe with what he currently had, but for the time being he wouldn't have to worry about staying hydrated. Showering and not smelling like armpit would be a blessing, but it was the least of his worries in this brave, new world. Clean water, even if there was plenty to go round for two, was now a more precious commodity than ever, and replacing the essential moisture that he lost even while respirating came first in terms of priority.
Continuing on his errands, Shinji found a police station, although finding one that had not been destroyed by Third Impact had been what had consumed most of his time on this journey. With NERV personnel, Section 2, and UN soldiers pattering about Tokyo-3 at all times, one would think that police would be rather redundant. That and the threat of sudden death from an Angel attack was enough to deter potential criminals, resulting in Tokyo-3 having the lowest crime rate in all of Japan. But a city police force was established all the same, probably to comfort the citizens with at least the appearance that Tokyo-3 was a normal city just like every other place. Still, the police force was few in number and fewer in stations.
Whatever their reasons for being, however, the building would suit Shinji's purposes.
Leaving the cart below the steps to the building and hoping nobody would make off with anything ("Ha!" he scoffed at himself for having the thought), Shinji entered the station. There were no orange puddles of LCL or piles of officers' uniforms on the ground, though. Every last citizen had evacuated Tokyo-3 after the sixteenth Angel, and with no populace to "protect," the police saw no purpose in remaining either. But it looked as if they had planned on coming back eventually, given that their equipment still remained.
Shinji walked over to the armory, but felt he had reached a dead end when he discovered the entrance guarded by a bolt and a lock. Not wishing to be discouraged yet, he searched the station for any keys, hoping that they were not in the possession of the now-absent officers.
Shinji found no keys, but he did find an emergency fire hatchet. It was no key, but it was going to have to do. Shinji broke the encasing glass and reached for the hatchet inside. The hatchet definitely had some mass to it, but it wasn't anything Shinji could not handle. Shinji was well aware of his physical limitations, though, but hoped that with some proper leverage and good aim, the hatchet would do its job all the same.
Returning to the armory door and preparing himself, Shinji brought the hatchet overhead and brought it down hard and fast, swinging in a wild motion. The hatchet missed the lock completely, putting only a slight nick in the door. Either Shinji was weaker than he had anticipated, or that door was made out of several inches of steel.
Still not ready to call it quits, Shinji brought the hatchet overhead again and repeated. He repeated this chopping motion at least eleven times or so, only four of his strikes actually hitting their mark. The lock was giving way, however, giving the boy increasing confidence. The final swing caused the lock to fall asunder, surrendering the treasure it so jealously guarded. Shinji walked in and was immediately rewarded with the sight of several Glock pistols, a few riot rods, some crowd-dispersal gas grenades, a few cans of pepper spray, and some tasers. A little lacking for a police station, but given that crime was almost non-existent and that there were other agencies that got MP5's like they were free candy, the Tokyo-3 police probably had no need for anything heavier.
No matter, a pistol was all he really needed. Just as long as he could protect himself from anything that moved. Even if it meant the Red Devil.
Naturally, the situation was not going to get THAT out of hand.
Shinji cradled the lump of plastic in his hand (it is a Glock, after all), getting familiar with it, adjusting to how it felt. He already had some firearms and marksmanship training through the constant drills in his Eva, but it was always the Eva that held the gun and did the grunt work. Shinji simply willed it to happen.
Now, HE was the one holding the gun.
It was no oversized Desert Eagle, but it felt powerful and satisfying all the same.
Shinji saw several dozen magazines stored on a rack on an adjacent table, all lined up and arranged in a perfect, orderly manner. Not really planning on doing a great deal of shooting but not wanting to be lacking in ammunition, Shinji decided that six clips plus one to go ahead and load the weapon would suffice. He took a clip and inserted it into the gun. There didn't seem to be a safety on the gun, though, so he decidedly left the chamber unloaded. No point in blowing his own foot off just as he gets the thing. He put the gun and the six other clips into the back pack. For the hell of it, he also took some of the pepper spray and a taser. Shinji had no plans on killing Asuka, but if she was going to instigate something, which was a very real possibility, he could quickly bring her back in line.
Last, but not least, Shinji had managed to find a still-intact hospital, albeit all the exterior windows were shattered and there were piles of clothes everywhere that were soaked with LCL. It was as if all these people had suddenly ceased what they were doing and decided to go streaking. In a way, they had, since their souls were now naked. Partially out of respect and partially out of not wanting to touch the LCL, Shinji treaded lightly through the corridors, looking for supply closets. Having found one, he filled the back pack with any and every medicine he could find. Some had names that he was familiar with from when he spent entire days in the hospital after nearly every Angel attack, but most he did not recognize, so he couldn't be absolutely sure what they were for. But he decided that it was best to have them and not need them, than to need them and not have them. He also found plenty of sterilizing agents, antibiotics, ointments and creams, bandaging gauze, stitches, and anything else he deemed suitable for basic-to-medium medical treatment. Shinji was no general surgeon or EMT, but with each stay in the hospital he had picked up more and more basic medical training, ranging from how to properly cleanse a wound to how to deal with concussive trauma.
And true to his word about keeping Asuka alive intravenously if necessary, Shinji also got some IV bags, tubes, and hypodermic needles, as well as some saline solution stock. There was a snow ball's chance in hell that he was going to screw this up.
Short of needing a bypass operation or a piano falling on him, Shinji was probably going to live to a ripe-old age.
Seeing as he was in the hospital, though, Shinji figured he should finally tend to the wounds that Asuka had inflicted upon him. He found a bathroom with a mirror and began to treat himself. First he wanted to get something for his nose. It hadn't stopped bleeding since he left Asuka on the beach, and couldn't help but wonder with some chagrin if it was broken. He had managed to find some tissue at the store where he had found food and used it to plug up his nose, but it seemed that it was still bleeding. The bleeding wasn't as bad as before, which meant that something was happening as it should be. He turned on the faucet and was rewarded with a stream of cold, clean water. He used the water to wet some paper towels and wiped off all the dried blood on his face. He then took another paper towel, tore off a section, and altered its dimensions accordingly in order to stuff it up his nose. He didn't really know what to do, however, if it did turn out to be broken.
Beyond that, there wasn't much else he could do except put an ice pack on his two swollen lips and his right black eye. Speaking of his eyes, although they were still hurting, Shinji's vision restored itself back to normal, much to his relief. The pain was bearable, but it was just one more unnecessary distraction he had to put up with. Shinji found some aspirin tablets and popped a few into his mouth, then activated the faucet once again. He put his mouth to the stream and partook of the refreshing liquid, using a large sip to swallow the tablets. It would likely be an hour or two before they became effective, but he didn't mind. Relief was on the way.
Now Shinji looked at his right lower arm. The wound had long since clotted on its own, forming a scab in the shape of a bite mark and painting the area in shades of blue and violet, but the pain from Asuka's bite still burned. Shinji seriously considered for a moment if he should get a rabies shot, but pushed the thought aside and reached for some iodine. He dabbed some of the brown liquid onto the sponge that came with the bottle and coated the injury rather generously. It stung like anything, but that just meant it was working. He wasn't going to die from an infection because the Red Devil had gotten kinky on him while they fought. Although it was healing properly and it was not really warranted, Shinji decided to take some gauze and wrap up the injury anyway.
While he was tending to himself, Shinji couldn't help but marvel at the Red Devil's prowess and abilities. Even when she was as tired out as she was, she was still a formidable fighter, just as fierce as ever. That, and she had a mean left hook. He had underestimated her, a mistake that he had barely kept from becoming a fatal mistake, and it had reminded him of why had had come to admire her despite her need for an attitude adjustment. After he had met Asuka, he quickly caught onto just how strong and determined she was, always striving to be the best, always pushing her limits in order to be number one. In many ways that was her down fall, but in other ways it made her magnificent at times. She seemed to be in her best element when she was in combat, as if she had been bred for nothing else, given no other purpose. He could tell that she took great pride in being an Eva pilot, seeking honor and glory in every battle.
Shinji smirked at the fact that she would've made an excellent Klingon.
But why was it so? Why did seem that she had nothing else at times?
For Shinji, there really was nothing else. Except for cleaning and cooking, Shinji was only very good at one thing; piloting Eva. Even that felt like a lie, though, as the only reason he could achieve such high synch ratios with Unit01 was because his mother was inside all along, protecting him. Had she not been there, had Unit01 not accepted him so easily, Shinji figured that he probably wouldn't have been able to even get it to activate. But regardless, only he could pilot Unit01. It would only accept him, having stopped accepting Rei a while back. It wouldn't even accept the dummy plug during the fourteenth. He was the only one that could pilot that beast, the only one for whom it would move without power and mercilessly obliterate the target. Gendo had probably known it would be that way, and had chosen him to come and pilot it. He initially refused upon discovering that Gendo hadn't really wanted him back, he just had a use for him as if he was a replacement part, nothing more. Gendo had to twist his arm by threatening to put a then-seriously injured Rei into the entry plug. Shinji conceded, not only to protect Rei, but because there was nothing else for him, nothing else that would ever make Gendo accept him (but even that didn't matter now, because he no longer wanted the old man's acceptance. He wanted NOTHING from him, now or ever again).
Asuka, on the other hand....surely Asuka had something else to fight for. Surely she had something else to live for. If that were true, however, she wouldn't have self-destructed as she did after the fifteenth's mind probe. She was absolutely devastated afterwards. Before she had moved out, Shinji could sometimes hear her mumbling in her room, trying to hold back tears that she didn't want. She would murmur to herself about having lost her synch ratio completely and that she was totally useless now. Shinji understood that piloting meant a great deal to her, but he refused to believe that it was the ONLY thing that held meaning for her.
A part of Shinji was disappointed with Asuka afterwards. He felt that Asuka would be able to overcome the effects of the fifteenth's mind probe. Instead, she sat back and let it eat away at her. She decided that enough was enough and threw in the towel. Shinji had felt she was stronger than that, that the Asuka he knew wouldn't have given up like that. That Asuka represented what Shinji had sometimes hoped he could be; assertive and self-assured. It was her confidence and her near-endless courage that he admired, hoping that she could impart some of that courage onto him.
Maybe if she hadn't hated him so and they could have become better acquainted, she would have given him the strength that he was lacking.
Maybe...that was something else that he wanted from her. Maybe he wanted her to help make himself stronger, make himself a better person.
It was not meant to be, however. Besides, Asuka hated him so much and was so disgusted by him that she'd rather die than help him. If he was too weak of will, it was his own damn fault and he deserved to lose everything. She certainly wasn't going to help someone as pathetic as him.
Asuka wasn't well known for her ability to share, anyway.
He continued to feel let down until Misato had revealed to him that Asuka had walked in on her dead mother when she was only seven. Grasping the seriousness of that fact, he could then understand why Asuka had been so distraught. But for now, that was all he had to go on about her...
Hold on a minute, something wasn't right. Shinji remembered continuing to feel let down by the German girl until she was found lying barely conscious in a bath tub. He couldn't recall feeling sorry for her or understanding her better. It was as if he had never known that little tid bit about her past. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't actually remember Misato ever talking to him about that. He had asked her about Asuka's past before, but she said that it was something that was best left undiscussed. Either pilot histories and evaluations were classified and he didn't have the clearance, or Misato just didn't want him getting involved and getting himself hurt.
But if Misato had never told him, why did he think that she did? And where had he gotten that information?
He had simply assumed that it was Misato who told him because when he thought about that, she also popped into his mind's eye. Somehow she was associated with the memory. Her, and an ice-cold can of Yesibu beer, which induced a comfortable burning sensation in his throat as he downed the tasty beverage.
Wait, what? Shinji had never had a drop of alcohol in his life. How would he know what beer tastes like? How did he even know that it was a Yesibu? It was Misato's favorite brand, but why would he know anything about that?
The math was adding up to anything but the right answer, once again.
Unless...
Were these Misato's memories?
Had she been thinking about Asuka after the fifteenth?
As he dwelled on this new hypothetical situation, he could feel the sensation of depression. He also felt concern and worry. Minus the depression, these felt like...these felt like those times in Eva when all seemed lost and then Unit01 would come alive and protect him. These also felt like the time he spent around Rei.
Mother...
Yes, it felt like a mother. A mother that was worried about her child.
These sensations were not his own, and he was not currently in these emotional states. These felt like memories, as well. Maybe Misato had been thinking about Asuka after her mind rape. It seemed to make her sad, because she knows of the horrible pain that Asuka hides. Misato's most likely reaction or method of coping was trying to drown her sorrows with beer.
Was she really THAT worried about Asuka, though? Did she really feel THAT close to the red-head?
"Misato, I...I had no idea...that Asuka meant that much to you." Shinji whispered to himself. He was rather frightened at the revelation, at knowing the truth about something so personal.
Then the confusion set in again. "But...why? Why would you care about her like that? After all the lip she gave you, after all the ingratitude and insults, how the hell could you put up with her? Why would you care at all?"
"You should really ask YOURSELF that question, Shin-jun."
Suddenly made aware that he was no longer alone, Shinji looked up at the mirror, checking to see who was behind him.
He saw nobody but himself.
He spun on his heel and scanned the room, just to be completely sure.
In that split second, he felt as though he had just conversed with the dead.
Shinji's heart was racing from the startle, but he was beginning to calm down, although he was still a little spooked inwardly. The voice had sounded very real. The voice instantly conjured up images of a purple-haired woman in a black dress, red jacket, and red beret. He also thought about the silver cross that she had worn around her neck.
Only, it was no longer around her neck. Misato had entrusted the trinket to Shinji when she rushed him to Unit01 during the JSSDF attack.
She had also planted a rather adult kiss onto his lips before pushing him onto the elevator.
She had been shot as they made it to the elevator, and she was slowly dying from the wound that she claimed was nothing. Even if he was paralyzed with depression and feeling sorry for himself, Shinji could tell that she was just trying to be brave for him.
But what she had really needed was for HIM to be the brave one. She needed him to snap out of it and pilot one final time. Instead, because of his selfishness, because he was wallowing in self-pity, Misato's blood was on his hands. He had tasted her blood when she had kissed him, whose meaning he still did not fully understand.
Maybe it was just to show that she cared, or maybe it was just to snap him out of his depressive spell. But it was a rather passionate kiss, a type of kiss that implied meanings that Shinji was not entirely comfortable with. Misato was a very beautiful woman, but he had never really thought about her like that. She was not as a girlfriend to him, she was more like a big sister.
With her domestic habits, she certainly acted like a sister.
But Misato had also taken him in, given him a home when Gendo was obviously not going to allow him to stay with him. She took an active interest in his life, ranging from asking about how his day at school was to usually being the first person to greet him has he exited his entry plug. He had waken up in the hospital with her slouched in a chair next to his bed on several occasions, as if she had been watching over him, checking to see that he would not disappear from her forever. She nagged on him about his grades and rooted him on when he piloted. She was one of the few people whose words of praise seemed...genuine.
In a lot of ways, she had taken care of him like a mother.
And he took care of her. They had a nice dynamic going on; she gave him a place to stay and offered to help him in life from time to time, and he cooked and cleaned and provided the occasional sympathetic ear. They looked out for one another. Not as husband and wife, but as two people who just needed a little help now and again.
Thinking back on it, Shinji was glad that he had met Misato. He would even go so far as to say that she was the closest thing he had for a mother ever since his real mother was absorbed by Unit01.
But especially at the end of it all, he hadn't ever really acted like it. After Asuka had slipped away into a coma and Rei II had been killed and replaced, Misato had tried to consul him, but he would just curl up into a ball and withdraw from her, barking at her to not make physical contact with him. Then, after he had killed Kaurou, she had the nerve to disgrace Kaurou's memory by saying that he deserved to die because he had wished for death.
Shinji couldn't totally blame her for feeling that way, after all Kaurou was an Angel, the sworn enemy of the human race, the scourge of mankind. He knew of her grudge against the Angels, for taking her father that she had hated but had wanted to get to know. But she hadn't gotten to know Kaurou, she hadn't befriended him and grown to trust him.
She didn't understand Shinji the way Kaorou did.
Which was kind of funny, considering her relationship with her father mirrored his own relationship to Gendo.
In his anger, Shinji had yelled at Misato, feeling betrayed that she could say such things. He didn't speak to her for several days after that, hiding away in his room and drowning out the sounds of her voice and the knocking on his door with his S-DAT.
When he was finally ready to deal with her again and apologize, she wasn't home. She had probably gone to work the night shift, again. He waited on the couch and went to sleep. The morning sun had greeted him, and still Misato did not come. He cleaned up the apartment and fixed a fine breakfast for her, and still she did not come. He lobbied around the apartment all afternoon and well into the evening, and still she was absent. He waited for at least three more days, and she still had not come home.
He wondered if she had just gotten tired of dealing with him and just gave up.
It filled him with an emptiness that he was accustomed to, but which was not any easier to deal with.
He thought back on how he had acted, not just the past few days, but how he had acted towards her in general. He had basically been a drag, always moping around and whining. She had tried to cheer him up several times, and he would just pretend like he didn't notice. She knew about his past and had even told him some about her own disturbing past, but he still didn't want to open up to her.
Finally, she had done all she could to ensure his safe delivery to Unit01 when the JSSDF attacked, and all he did was slow her down. He slowed her down so much that she paid for it with her life.
Misato is dragging Shinji by the wrist as they are running through NERV. They finally make it to the junction that one of the operating technicians had directed them to.
"Here it is." Misato states in a matter-of-fact kind of way.
Then there is a barrage of gunshots.
The sound of high-velocity metal ripping through flesh is heard, followed by a grunt of pain from Misato. She and Shinji blitz through the doorway before the several ton steel door shuts behind them, prematurely ending the pursuit of the commandos dressed in black.
Misato is breathing rather heavily, but not as if she is tired. It's more like her life is quickly running out.
"That should hold them off for a while. This way." She drags him along further down the corridor, then looks back at him. "You ok?" she asks, glancing him over for any wounds.
Shinji just stares back at her and looks at the blood trickling down her side. Misato gets a good look, herself. "I'm alright, it's nothing too serious...There's still power, Shinji. Hey, Shinji!" she is trying to make sure she has his full attention. "From now on you're on your own. You have to make decisions by yourself. Nobody can help you."
"I...I can't. I'm no good. I can't pilot EVA if all I do is hurt and kill people." Shinji sounds tired himself, but this is sounds more like a spiritual or mental kind of fatigue. "I have no right to do that. I thought that piloting Eva was my only choice...but I was just lying to myself."
His self-depreciating rant continued on. "I don't understand anything...I'm not worthy to pilot Eva. There's nothing that I can do for other people! I've done something really terrible to Asuka, and I killed Kaorou! There isn't a shred of kindness in me! Only dishonesty and cowardice...If I can only hurt people, then I'd rather not do anything at all!"
She is so sick of his chicken-shit outlook on life. It's time to get mad. "I'm not going to feel sorry for you. If you don't want to be hurt, then just die without doing anything at all!"
And of course, Shinji started to break down and cry.
Misato doesn't have time for this. "Crying is useless right now!"
But regardless of how little time they have, Misato can't bring herself to stay angry with the boy. "You hate yourself, right? That's why you can hurt other people, because you know hurting people is more painful than hurting yourself. But, no matter what happens, remember that it was your decision. And that makes it worthwhile, Shinji. Because you decided by yourself! So stop lying to yourself! Think about what you can do...and then live with your decisions."
"But you're...you're not me! You don't understand anything about me!" Shinji sounds as if he is embittered, as if the past year they spent together has meant absolutely nothing.
Misato slams Shinji hard against the elevator gate. "SO FUCKING WHAT IF I'M NOT YOU!? ARE YOU JUST GOING TO GIVE UP NOW? If you stay here and do nothing, I won't forgive you! I'll NEVER forgive you for as long as I live!!!"
Her frustration with him and her disbelief that he could act like such a child are coming to a head.
Teenage-related mood swings and angst or not, Shinji could be really difficult at times. But right now is not allowed to be one of those times.
Whatever the hell is wrong with Shinji, he needs to work through it, and fast.
Misato is starting to grasp at straws here, desperation mixed in with the sincerity. "God knows I'm not perfect, either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again, thousands of times; a cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time I learned something about myself."
Then her voice becomes gentler. "Listen, Shinji. Pilot Eva once more and find yourself. Pilot Eva to face the questions "Why are you here?" and "Why did you come here?" Find your own answers. And then, after finding yourself, find your way back to me."
Misato places the silver cross, the one thing she literally keeps close to her heart, into Shinji's uncertain but capable hand.
Shinji answers to the affirmative in a manner that would make Rei proud. "Yes."
With a glimmer of hope in her eyes, Misato prepares to bid him farewell. She knows full and well that this is the last time that they will be together. "It's a promise. Now, go."
In part to make sure he's fully alert, in part because this is her last moment on earth, and in part because Shinji is the last important man left in her own pitiful life, Misato pulls Shinji into a deep kiss. She presses hard against his lips, savoring his flavor, letting him sample her own flavor, trying to make the moment as meaningful and as long as possible.
In spite of the force and spontaneity, this is probably the most tender moment they've ever shared with one another.
And then Misato breaks away and shatters the silence with a seductive voice. "That was a very grown-up kiss, Shinji. We'll do the rest when you get back." She doesn't care if she's killed the mood, she just wants to get a laugh, a smile, SOMETHING out of him before he leaves her forever.
He just stands there in shock.
Unbeknownst to one another, they are simultaneously thinking along the lines of 'That was one HELL of a kiss!'
Before he has a chance to overcome the shock and reply, Misato pushes him into the elevator and presses the button to send him up.
Shinji is still trying to process what just happened. As he starts coming to, he notices the ever-familiar taste of blood in his mouth. But he knows it's not his blood.
And then he hears a loud BOOM! beneath him, as the burst of light from the explosion finds its way to his pupils.
The explosion came from the floor he was just on.
There's no way in hell Misato's alive, now.
Shinji's legs collapse underneath him and he starts to sob into his hands.
Back in the hospital bathroom, Shinji was sitting on the ground, sobbing into his hands, the feeling of Misato's death being on his conscience finally coming back to him in full.
She had died saving his ungrateful ass, all because he was the one who wanted to lie down and die like the dog that he was.
If he hadn't been such a bastard, she might've...might've...
It didn't really matter. Third Impact would've come all the same, and Misato would still be up there in the ring of souls. She'd be gone from his life. No matter how you worked it, the end result was the same.
What would've made a difference was if he had taken his opportunity to express his sorrow for being such a burden and his gratitude for baring him for so long.
Not surprisingly, he didn't.
"Jesus." Shinji whimpers out between sobs. "...Misato...(sob)...Oh god, Misato! (sob) You should've known...that I'd let you down again!...(sob) Just like I always do!
"If I had known it would be like this, (sob) I'd have let you know...how important you were to me."
Shinji sat there and continued to pour out his sorrows to an audience that wasn't there for a few minutes, then regained his composure. He recovered the back pack with the medical supplies and made his way out of the hospital and back to his cart.
He needed some more time to deal with everything, but right now the matter of Asuka Langley Sohryou was pressing against him.
"Misato..." Shinji whispered to himself, "I can't promise that everything will be okay between Asuka and me. I can't even promise that everything will be okay for each of us individually. But I will promise you this; I'll find the answers that I need from her. Once I do that, then I'll get back to you."
For the love of him, he didn't know what the hell happened to the silver cross. It probably fell out of his pocket somewhere, hopefully back on the beach somewhere. But if he didn't find it, so be it. It was just a thing. Only the memories and what the thing represented mattered.
Finding new strength to go on, Shinji made his way back to that forsaken beach.
Somewhere, in the recesses of his mind, he could feel Misato's smile.
Since I did have Shinji magically know the truth (or most of the truth, anyway. OMFG SUSPENSE!!1) about Third Impact and what not, I thought it might kinda be a plot hole if he didn't remember anything else. So without giving too much away, we're going to see more and more memories from other people surface in later chapters. Which is good, because perhaps in analyzing Shinji and Asuka's feelings for other people, we may better come to understand the two of them, as well.
Oh, and is there any correct or prefered spelling for "Kaorou?" That's just how I spell it, but I don't know if it's entirely right.
Shinji is still trying to sort out his anger and frustration with Asuka, and it is currently manifesting itself as hatred. Unsurprising, seeing how she does kind of do things that warrant hatred.
I know I said one chapter a week, but I'm gonna see if I can't get a second chapter done this weekend. Again, no promises.
5. Memories, Part Un
Shinji had been walking around the dilapidated city for what he could only guess, since he was without a functioning time piece, was about five or six hours. The sun had set a while ago and, much to Shinji's delight and awe, the red glow of the sky had disappeared and gave way to an amazingly clear, cloudless sky, revealing the stars in all their glory. The red ring of souls still gave off its own luminescence, though, but it did naught to distort the view of the heavens.
He had searched far and wide during his travels, gathering all sorts of items and supplies, particularly those odds and ends that would aid him in carrying out his one-man quest to figure out a certain one-half German, five-sevenths mouth, and 100 attitude red-head.
The plan was dastardly simple; he was going to "capture" Asuka, tie her down, and force her to talk to him. After that, he would allow her to either leave or kill herself. It didn't really matter to Shinji, he wanted her gone just as urgently as she wanted nothing to do with him.
And that was it. That was his "grand, master plan." Not a very well thought-out plan, mind you, but Shinji didn't know what else to do. He had never before been in a situation such as this one, and he was simply having to improvise as he went along. Admittedly, though, the plan was choke-full of holes and lacked any sort of contingency. First there was the trick of successfully restraining and imprisoning Asuka, which he had assumed would be next to nothing until the physically sapped girl had lunged at him in a fit of rage that was befitting of a berserker Evangelion. Once that was settled, he had to make sure that she wouldn't somehow escape or break free from her bonds. He would also need to make sure that she didn't recover too quickly or too much, or else she would get away from his grasp. Then, of course, he had no guarantee that she would tell him the truth; she might just say whatever first came to mind, or she might even try playing some more of her mind games with him. Her college-level training in psychology would do nothing to make that fun for him. Or she might just sit there and refuse to talk, utilizing the tried-and-true method known as the silent treatment.
Thankfully, though, time wasn't a major factor, if it was a factor at all; he had all the time in the world, or what was left of the world, anyway. He was prepared to keep Asuka for weeks, months, even years if that's what it would take. He would eat, sleep, and answer all calls of nature in her presence if that's what it took. Even if she refused to eat, he would make no qualms about feeding her through an IV tube to keep her alive if he had to. Whatever it took, Shinji was not going to back down and walk away from this one. No sir.
But for now, the problem just mainly came down to getting Asuka to sit down and open up to him. Hell, the problem was just getting her to sit down at all. Shinji knew of her deep-seated hatred of him, and he did just try to strangle her to death mere hours ago. That doesn't exactly make one want to grace you with one's presence and engage in friendly conversation with you. The biggest obstacle of them all, however, would be knocking down that damn wall of pride of hers. Shinji could see the scenario playing out already; he'd ask Asuka to explain why she is the way she is, and it would quickly mutate into a one-sided verbal sparring with Asuka on the winning side. Then she'd more than likely try to attack him again.
As he wondered around making his preparations, Shinji found himself continuously questioning his own motives and cross-examining himself. Clearly he was still angry with Asuka and that he was through trying to reach out to her. He was tired of constantly fighting with her, of looking for something else besides angst and violence within her. He was especially tired of always being the recipient of her abuse and misguided assaults. He wanted her gone for good, wanted her to go away to some place where she could never hurt him again. It no longer mattered to him whether or not she was just as lonely and hurt as he was, she should rot in hell for everything she's done to him. He didn't care if it was blatant hypocrisy to reject her on the grounds that she caused him nothing but grief. The whole world was nothing BUT grief now, had ALWAYS been nothing but one giant fountain of misery, and frankly he was so sick of Asuka being the water source which fed that fountain. If he ever cared about her, or if he had ever done anything to indicate that he ever did, it had been a mistake, a fruitless endeavor, and he was determined to cut his losses and sever her from his life.
But if all of this was true, why did it matter to him how she had gotten to be such a terrible excuse for a waste of space? Why did he care why she was a bitch? It wouldn't do him any good to possess that knowledge now, not after their little skirmish, which had undoubtedly rendered them as irreconcilable foes in one another's eyes. It would have never done him any good at all, because she was simply too stubborn and too proud to admit to anything, to let anyone in.
Even that wasn't completely true. She had no problem trying to win Kaji's affections and becoming best friends with Hikari. Why were those two so special that she let them in? What did Shinji ever do that was so wrong that Asuka pushed away from him the hardest?
Thinking about it for a moment, it wasn't really that hard to figure out what made Kaji and Hikari so unique. Both were just very friendly and warm people by their nature. Maybe she figured it was just her duty as the representative of Class 2-A, but Hikari went out of her way to befriend everyone. From what Shinji understood, she had even tried to get to know Rei on a few occasions. Hikari had never really given up on that project, but she also decided to respect Rei's need for personal space. She took her role as class-rep very seriously, to the point that she automatically expected her fellow students to pay her respect, and at times she could be rather domineering. But Shinji had more or less seen that it was just a public persona that she would wear. Beneath the overbearing class leader was a 14 year-old girl who worked hard to raise her three younger siblings all on her own, what with her mother long since deceased and her father working long hours to financially support his family. In that light, it made sense that Hikari could be bossy at times. She was already rather mature for her age, having to practically raise a family all by herself, so she had to come down hard on her fellow students in order to set a good example. In many ways, she was already an adult, and so it was only natural that she demand respect from her "kids."
Perhaps that was why Asuka took to Hikari so quickly. Asuka kept it no big secret that she herself was already a woman in terms of both wisdom, form, and maturity. She had neither the time nor the inclination to grace stupid, hentai little boys with her divine presence. At times, it felt like Asuka had this need to appear older than she really was, as if she had some deep-seated fear of being looked down upon as a mere child. So perhaps Asuka found solace in being in the presence of one who was as mature as she was. And Hikari also seemed to treat Asuka in the same regard. When she wasn't letting Asuka boss HER around, ironic as that may be.
That might have been another part of it. Hikari, despite being on near-equal footing with Asuka (remember, no one can dare hope to be an equal to the Great Asuka Langley Sohryou), was just another one of the Red Demon's minions, someone who looked sheepishly to Asuka as something better than the current way of things, something to emulate. Hikari almost never had any harsh criticisms of the red-head, dismissing her arrogance as simple inner strength and confidence. Shinji didn't really know if Hikari believed her accusations that he was a voyeuristic pervert, but she did seem to side with Asuka on issues more often than she sided with Shinji.
That didn't keep Hikari from getting to know Shinji, however. In spite of whatever lies, misinformation, and propaganda Asuka had spread about him, Hikari still spoke with him, even treated him as a friend from time to time. It took him a while to warm up to her, but once he saw her out of class-rep mode, he had managed to do it.
As for Kaji...well, Kaji just had this air about him that bespoke of trust, like he really did care about getting to know you. Even when Shinji was nervous and shy (as he always was) upon meeting him, Kaji just plastered that smirk of his on his face. It was a smirk that really made you feel welcome, that pretty much said for him "hi, I'm Kaji Ryoji, but you can call me Kaji, so tell me about yourself." Since he was a spy, maybe it was just Kaji's job to be smooth like that. It probably went a long way to be out-going and sociable in the world of intelligence-gathering and espionage, otherwise you never establish any contacts and never gather any information. But whether or not it was something that he had to develop over time or just had to begin with, Shinji could not doubt that he could be comfortable around Kaji, that he didn't have to worry about being himself when he was with the thirty-something gentleman. Much like Kaurou, Kaji seemed to understand how reserved and meek Shinji was, and that it required much effort and courage on his part to open up to others. He had spoken with Kaji on several occasions, looking to him for guidance and advice. Kaji seemed to take great pride in this, but not because it stroked his ego that Shinji was coming to him, but because Shinji would place such trust in the man.
When Shinji had resigned from NERV the second time and the fourteenth Angel appeared, Shinji ran from the ruined civilian shelter and found an eerily calm Kaji attending to his water melon patch. He told Shinji that this was the place he'd rather be if he were to die because this was all that he could do, that he was powerless to do anything else in light of the situation. But there was something that Shinji could do, that ONLY Shinji could do. Kaji didn't ask him, beg him, berate him, or even yell at him to go back to the Eva. He passed no judgment whatsoever. But his words were far from neutral. They seemed to carry with them the confidence that Kaji was investing in the boy, that they conveyed his faith that Shinji would do the right thing. This resonated with Shinji on hidden levels, touching his very soul. Kaji was really only stating the obvious, but it had been what Shinji had needed to hear, that he did indeed have power over his own destiny, that he did have the power to choose. He didn't have to choose to keep fighting, he could walk away at any time, but whatever he chose to do, HE was the deciding factor. HE was the last word, and so he needed to choose his words wisely.
Kaji might not have known it, but he had made a pivotal difference in Shinji's life, just by being there when it really counted.
There was many a time when Shinji wished long and hard that Kaji could have been his father. He was far more than Gendo could ever be. He regretted not having somebody like Kaji as he was growing up.
He regretted even more that he never told Kaji that.
Maybe Asuka had also found that comfort. Maybe she didn't feel threatened by Kaji, that she didn't have to keep up her defenses around him.
But the larger part of it was probably her hormones. She was very smitten with Kaji, to the point that it could have been considered an unhealthy obsession. She tried to follow him around and monitor him so much that it was border-line stalking. That was another aspect of Asuka that she made no effort to hide; her "love" of Kaji. Perhaps she really was in love with him, Shinji would never really know, but everyone else seemed to think that it was just a natural teenage infatuation. This never stopped her from comparing Shinji to Kaji, though, pointing out every minute flaw that the baka possessed.
In Asuka's eyes, Kaji was the pinnacle of man. He was polite, handled matters in a delicate yet firm manner, and he was quite handsome, in a rugged sort of way (Shinji thinking this from a purely non-homosexual perspective, of course). His loose neck tie, his shirt unbuttoned at the top, his pony tail, and the stubble on his face that never went away gave him a very casual and untamed yet sensual aura, one that few ladies could resist. Maybe it just gave him a sort of "bad boy" image, something that Shinji would never understand women's attraction to. And, probably because of his role as a spy, he was very good at the art of talking, listening, and seducing.
In short, Kaji was the quintessential lady-killer.
At the same time, however, he was steady in his beliefs, never being swayed or distracted from what he really wanted. He didn't take shit from anybody, never being afraid to stand up for what he believed in. He wasn't afraid to be told "no," not that he would take no for an answer, though.
He was basically what Shinji was not.
Should he really be surprised that Asuka cared so much about Kaji and nothing for him?
For Shinji, that was what made Kaji a real man. He had confidence in himself, confidence that he would do the best that he could, that he would do the "right" thing. Maybe he was a bad boy in some ways, but at his core Kaji was really a good guy.
He often wondered if Asuka saw that, or if all she saw was Kaji's unshaven good looks and his boyish charms.
'Whatever.' Shinji thought to himself.
What the hell did he care who Asuka let in and didn't let in?
Why should he care that Asuka loved and respected Kaji but treated him like dirt?
But Shinji knew the answer to his own answer. Back when he had been foolish enough to want to get close to Asuka, he couldn't help but feel like Kaji was an obstacle of sorts. For as long as Asuka pined over Kaji, he had no chance of even being worthy to be seen by her.
At least in part, he had been jealous of Kaji for having something Shinji could not even hope to have.
It was very much like how he resented Rei in some ways because she was probably the only person Gendo was close to.
But he cared deeply for both Rei and Kaji, and it sometimes tore him apart inwardly that he could care for them but also hate them simply because they were blessed with something he didn't deserve anyways.
He held no resentment for either of them now, though. The two biggest mistakes that Shinji had ever made in his life were thinking that he and Gendo could start over and thinking that Asuka would ever even consider him a homo sapien.
It was a pretty close tie between the two, though.
So what if he knew the cause of all her problems with the world and life in general? Such things had no bearing on him personally, and even if he tried to help her there was a much better chance of the Angels writing an official letter of apology to the world and offering fellatio to all the leaders than there was of Asuka accepting help from anybody, much less "baka" Shinji.
Why should he be curious as to why Asuka hated him so much that she constantly went out of her way to torment him?
How could he be so foolish as to spare somebody like THAT?
She wasn't worthy of his mercy. She wasn't ever worthy of his effort. And by God, she certainly wasn't even worthy of his concern and tears. Come to think of it, maybe there was nothing to be ashamed of for masturbating right in front of her while she was comatose. That was probably one of the few things the German whore DID deserve. Besides, the act was pleasant, to say the least. If something is pleasant, it means that it must be good for you on some level, give or take a little moderation. So it must be okay to do it, because only the truly "good" things in life make you feel happy.
But what is "happy?" Where do you find it?
Are "good," "happy," and "pleasant" necessarily interchangeable?
What if the happiness is false? It still makes you happy, doesn't it? So what's wrong with being happy in that regard?
Was he happy pleasuring himself like that, or was he simply satiated?
Of all the people that had to return from Instrumentality, why the hell did it have to be HER? Still, Shinji had to admit that things could have been much worse; Gendo could have somehow come back.
Okay, things wouldn't be THAT much worse.
He could really kick himself for not putting her out of his misery.
Short of pure curiosity, Shinji could not fathom why his determination to understand Asuka was so strong. Maybe it was part of his punishment for destroying Humanity. Until the end of time, he would be damned with this drive to undertake this impossible task that would cause him nothing but suffering and ruin.
Maybe Asuka had been right all along and Shinji was just a damn fool.
Or, maybe this torment was straight from God Himself, communicating His obvious displeasure at how events had unfolded.
But if there was an all-knowing, all-powerful God that had also had infinite mercy, He wouldn't have let Humanity end like this. He would have stepped in and shared some of that mystical divine intervention of His. And no "God" that met the aforementioned qualifications would have let His own creations suffer the great tribulation that was the Angels.
What did Shinji care about God, anyway? This was Japan; Buddhism and Taoism were prominent here, not Judeo-Christian beliefs that he knew nothing about anyway. Not that it mattered to Shinji, religion had never been a part of his life. It felt pointless and phony apologizing to an unseen force for being a "bad" person and promising that you'd do better, only to just end up making the same mistakes over and over again regardless. It was especially perfect when people would ignore their god or gods when things were swell, but instantly run to them in tears when things got too much for them to handle, as if gods were idiotic enough to want to damn themselves to clean up the same mess a billion times over. He also just saw it as a form of running away, that it was just a cop-out to pray to your deity whenever things didn't go your way. Praying did nothing, anyway. It was just another false comfort; the act would go unheeded and unnoticed, and all you had managed to do was set yourself up to be let down and get hurt once more.
All of this coming from someone who did nothing BUT run away for the past decade of his life.
All of this from a boy who apologized for the same sets of errors continuously.
All of this from a lonely little boy who shut everyone out, then wondered why nobody tried to help him when he needed them to.
And the sad part is, he probably would've gone to worship anyway if somebody had told him to. He probably would have kept attending, too, if nobody ever told him to stop.
Just like that cello...
The final possibility as to his predicament was that there was no answer, no convenient person, event, or thing to brand as the scapegoat. Life is just a bitch sometimes and then you die.
As that old American saying still goes, "shit happens."
Whatever the reason, at least one other thing was beginning to bother Shinji. When Unit01 had transformed into the Tree of Life and became the medium through which the souls of all people transferred into Rei/Lilith, he could feel all their thoughts, their minds moving through him and momentarily linking with him. And then, of course, he was linked to them all once again when he had been absorbed into Instrumentality for that brief moment in time. For at least a couple of minutes, Shinji's mind was one with everyone else's, his own thoughts diffusing into their minds much as theirs diffused into his. Thoughts became like air, shared and taken in by all. He remembered the feeling of oneness, the connection and sharing of hopes and dreams, the interaction of the collective whole of Humanity.
This mixing of the minds was also the only way he could currently explain why he knew about SEELE and its motives, as well as other things that neither Dr. Akagi nor Misato had made him privy to. Why, then, could he remember nothing else? Surely he must at least have some sort of memory from some random person in the world. Why, then, could he not call forth such information? Why couldn't he seem to summon any thoughts from the people he DID know? Where were the memories of Misato, Touji, Kensuke, and Kaji? Was there a possibility that Rei and Kaoruo's memories were also in there?
And then, of course, why couldn't he seem to recollect any thoughts that had to be the exclusive property of Asuka Langley Sohryou?
But of course THAT would have been far too easy. Where was the entertainment value to be found by whoever or whatever was watching him and laughing at him from afar if he already had all the answers? And of course, he could never hope for things to be that simple with Asuka. He had a feeling that reading her would be like reading a high-class university text book; you could understand the language, but that didn't mean you'd understand the concepts and the vocabulary.
Still, no matter how you tried to explain it away or justify it, the math just ended with a bad summation and a splitting headache. Considering that his psyche had touched three billion other psyches, you'd think he could come up with something else other than he was just a pawn in some played-out "take over the world" plot that was 2000 years in the making (or however old those stupid scrolls were).
It bothered Shinji to no end. He considered the possibility that his exposure to the consciousness of Humanity was so brief that he simply didn't have enough time to take it all in and remember it, but that did little to extinguish his doubts. It just didn't seem to make any sense to him that he could be in the presence of something so great, so...different, and then not remember anything about it beyond a conversation that resulted in him ending up here. But Shinji decided that it was taking too much out of him to try to deal with it now. Besides, he had other things to be worrying about. Namely, someone who shall remain nameless but has an ego the size of Rei/Lilith's head and a near-obsession with all things red in appearance.
Shinji, it seemed, had at least a little bit of good fortune left on his side. He had been able to get a hold of at least three weeks worth of instant-make meals, dry goods, and canned foods of all sorts (to the curious, Shinji was currently pushing around a shopping cart, so he wasn't particularly laboring to carry everything under his arms. He also had a couple of back packs for those instances where a cart simply wasn't going to fit), and what he could not bring with him wasn't going to be disappearing on its own. Food was definitely NOT going to be a problem for a while, even if he shared with Asuka. Refrigerated and frozen goods would eventually thaw out and rot, since it would seem electricity took a permanent leave of absence when Third Impact came a callin', but for at least a few years, he guessed, it would be absolutely no hassle to move about and scavenge for more food.
Having no idea if or when tap water would give out, he also thought to stock up on bottled water, finding several gallon-sized jugs of it. It would all get consumed if he decided to bathe with what he currently had, but for the time being he wouldn't have to worry about staying hydrated. Showering and not smelling like armpit would be a blessing, but it was the least of his worries in this brave, new world. Clean water, even if there was plenty to go round for two, was now a more precious commodity than ever, and replacing the essential moisture that he lost even while respirating came first in terms of priority.
Continuing on his errands, Shinji found a police station, although finding one that had not been destroyed by Third Impact had been what had consumed most of his time on this journey. With NERV personnel, Section 2, and UN soldiers pattering about Tokyo-3 at all times, one would think that police would be rather redundant. That and the threat of sudden death from an Angel attack was enough to deter potential criminals, resulting in Tokyo-3 having the lowest crime rate in all of Japan. But a city police force was established all the same, probably to comfort the citizens with at least the appearance that Tokyo-3 was a normal city just like every other place. Still, the police force was few in number and fewer in stations.
Whatever their reasons for being, however, the building would suit Shinji's purposes.
Leaving the cart below the steps to the building and hoping nobody would make off with anything ("Ha!" he scoffed at himself for having the thought), Shinji entered the station. There were no orange puddles of LCL or piles of officers' uniforms on the ground, though. Every last citizen had evacuated Tokyo-3 after the sixteenth Angel, and with no populace to "protect," the police saw no purpose in remaining either. But it looked as if they had planned on coming back eventually, given that their equipment still remained.
Shinji walked over to the armory, but felt he had reached a dead end when he discovered the entrance guarded by a bolt and a lock. Not wishing to be discouraged yet, he searched the station for any keys, hoping that they were not in the possession of the now-absent officers.
Shinji found no keys, but he did find an emergency fire hatchet. It was no key, but it was going to have to do. Shinji broke the encasing glass and reached for the hatchet inside. The hatchet definitely had some mass to it, but it wasn't anything Shinji could not handle. Shinji was well aware of his physical limitations, though, but hoped that with some proper leverage and good aim, the hatchet would do its job all the same.
Returning to the armory door and preparing himself, Shinji brought the hatchet overhead and brought it down hard and fast, swinging in a wild motion. The hatchet missed the lock completely, putting only a slight nick in the door. Either Shinji was weaker than he had anticipated, or that door was made out of several inches of steel.
Still not ready to call it quits, Shinji brought the hatchet overhead again and repeated. He repeated this chopping motion at least eleven times or so, only four of his strikes actually hitting their mark. The lock was giving way, however, giving the boy increasing confidence. The final swing caused the lock to fall asunder, surrendering the treasure it so jealously guarded. Shinji walked in and was immediately rewarded with the sight of several Glock pistols, a few riot rods, some crowd-dispersal gas grenades, a few cans of pepper spray, and some tasers. A little lacking for a police station, but given that crime was almost non-existent and that there were other agencies that got MP5's like they were free candy, the Tokyo-3 police probably had no need for anything heavier.
No matter, a pistol was all he really needed. Just as long as he could protect himself from anything that moved. Even if it meant the Red Devil.
Naturally, the situation was not going to get THAT out of hand.
Shinji cradled the lump of plastic in his hand (it is a Glock, after all), getting familiar with it, adjusting to how it felt. He already had some firearms and marksmanship training through the constant drills in his Eva, but it was always the Eva that held the gun and did the grunt work. Shinji simply willed it to happen.
Now, HE was the one holding the gun.
It was no oversized Desert Eagle, but it felt powerful and satisfying all the same.
Shinji saw several dozen magazines stored on a rack on an adjacent table, all lined up and arranged in a perfect, orderly manner. Not really planning on doing a great deal of shooting but not wanting to be lacking in ammunition, Shinji decided that six clips plus one to go ahead and load the weapon would suffice. He took a clip and inserted it into the gun. There didn't seem to be a safety on the gun, though, so he decidedly left the chamber unloaded. No point in blowing his own foot off just as he gets the thing. He put the gun and the six other clips into the back pack. For the hell of it, he also took some of the pepper spray and a taser. Shinji had no plans on killing Asuka, but if she was going to instigate something, which was a very real possibility, he could quickly bring her back in line.
Last, but not least, Shinji had managed to find a still-intact hospital, albeit all the exterior windows were shattered and there were piles of clothes everywhere that were soaked with LCL. It was as if all these people had suddenly ceased what they were doing and decided to go streaking. In a way, they had, since their souls were now naked. Partially out of respect and partially out of not wanting to touch the LCL, Shinji treaded lightly through the corridors, looking for supply closets. Having found one, he filled the back pack with any and every medicine he could find. Some had names that he was familiar with from when he spent entire days in the hospital after nearly every Angel attack, but most he did not recognize, so he couldn't be absolutely sure what they were for. But he decided that it was best to have them and not need them, than to need them and not have them. He also found plenty of sterilizing agents, antibiotics, ointments and creams, bandaging gauze, stitches, and anything else he deemed suitable for basic-to-medium medical treatment. Shinji was no general surgeon or EMT, but with each stay in the hospital he had picked up more and more basic medical training, ranging from how to properly cleanse a wound to how to deal with concussive trauma.
And true to his word about keeping Asuka alive intravenously if necessary, Shinji also got some IV bags, tubes, and hypodermic needles, as well as some saline solution stock. There was a snow ball's chance in hell that he was going to screw this up.
Short of needing a bypass operation or a piano falling on him, Shinji was probably going to live to a ripe-old age.
Seeing as he was in the hospital, though, Shinji figured he should finally tend to the wounds that Asuka had inflicted upon him. He found a bathroom with a mirror and began to treat himself. First he wanted to get something for his nose. It hadn't stopped bleeding since he left Asuka on the beach, and couldn't help but wonder with some chagrin if it was broken. He had managed to find some tissue at the store where he had found food and used it to plug up his nose, but it seemed that it was still bleeding. The bleeding wasn't as bad as before, which meant that something was happening as it should be. He turned on the faucet and was rewarded with a stream of cold, clean water. He used the water to wet some paper towels and wiped off all the dried blood on his face. He then took another paper towel, tore off a section, and altered its dimensions accordingly in order to stuff it up his nose. He didn't really know what to do, however, if it did turn out to be broken.
Beyond that, there wasn't much else he could do except put an ice pack on his two swollen lips and his right black eye. Speaking of his eyes, although they were still hurting, Shinji's vision restored itself back to normal, much to his relief. The pain was bearable, but it was just one more unnecessary distraction he had to put up with. Shinji found some aspirin tablets and popped a few into his mouth, then activated the faucet once again. He put his mouth to the stream and partook of the refreshing liquid, using a large sip to swallow the tablets. It would likely be an hour or two before they became effective, but he didn't mind. Relief was on the way.
Now Shinji looked at his right lower arm. The wound had long since clotted on its own, forming a scab in the shape of a bite mark and painting the area in shades of blue and violet, but the pain from Asuka's bite still burned. Shinji seriously considered for a moment if he should get a rabies shot, but pushed the thought aside and reached for some iodine. He dabbed some of the brown liquid onto the sponge that came with the bottle and coated the injury rather generously. It stung like anything, but that just meant it was working. He wasn't going to die from an infection because the Red Devil had gotten kinky on him while they fought. Although it was healing properly and it was not really warranted, Shinji decided to take some gauze and wrap up the injury anyway.
While he was tending to himself, Shinji couldn't help but marvel at the Red Devil's prowess and abilities. Even when she was as tired out as she was, she was still a formidable fighter, just as fierce as ever. That, and she had a mean left hook. He had underestimated her, a mistake that he had barely kept from becoming a fatal mistake, and it had reminded him of why had had come to admire her despite her need for an attitude adjustment. After he had met Asuka, he quickly caught onto just how strong and determined she was, always striving to be the best, always pushing her limits in order to be number one. In many ways that was her down fall, but in other ways it made her magnificent at times. She seemed to be in her best element when she was in combat, as if she had been bred for nothing else, given no other purpose. He could tell that she took great pride in being an Eva pilot, seeking honor and glory in every battle.
Shinji smirked at the fact that she would've made an excellent Klingon.
But why was it so? Why did seem that she had nothing else at times?
For Shinji, there really was nothing else. Except for cleaning and cooking, Shinji was only very good at one thing; piloting Eva. Even that felt like a lie, though, as the only reason he could achieve such high synch ratios with Unit01 was because his mother was inside all along, protecting him. Had she not been there, had Unit01 not accepted him so easily, Shinji figured that he probably wouldn't have been able to even get it to activate. But regardless, only he could pilot Unit01. It would only accept him, having stopped accepting Rei a while back. It wouldn't even accept the dummy plug during the fourteenth. He was the only one that could pilot that beast, the only one for whom it would move without power and mercilessly obliterate the target. Gendo had probably known it would be that way, and had chosen him to come and pilot it. He initially refused upon discovering that Gendo hadn't really wanted him back, he just had a use for him as if he was a replacement part, nothing more. Gendo had to twist his arm by threatening to put a then-seriously injured Rei into the entry plug. Shinji conceded, not only to protect Rei, but because there was nothing else for him, nothing else that would ever make Gendo accept him (but even that didn't matter now, because he no longer wanted the old man's acceptance. He wanted NOTHING from him, now or ever again).
Asuka, on the other hand....surely Asuka had something else to fight for. Surely she had something else to live for. If that were true, however, she wouldn't have self-destructed as she did after the fifteenth's mind probe. She was absolutely devastated afterwards. Before she had moved out, Shinji could sometimes hear her mumbling in her room, trying to hold back tears that she didn't want. She would murmur to herself about having lost her synch ratio completely and that she was totally useless now. Shinji understood that piloting meant a great deal to her, but he refused to believe that it was the ONLY thing that held meaning for her.
A part of Shinji was disappointed with Asuka afterwards. He felt that Asuka would be able to overcome the effects of the fifteenth's mind probe. Instead, she sat back and let it eat away at her. She decided that enough was enough and threw in the towel. Shinji had felt she was stronger than that, that the Asuka he knew wouldn't have given up like that. That Asuka represented what Shinji had sometimes hoped he could be; assertive and self-assured. It was her confidence and her near-endless courage that he admired, hoping that she could impart some of that courage onto him.
Maybe if she hadn't hated him so and they could have become better acquainted, she would have given him the strength that he was lacking.
Maybe...that was something else that he wanted from her. Maybe he wanted her to help make himself stronger, make himself a better person.
It was not meant to be, however. Besides, Asuka hated him so much and was so disgusted by him that she'd rather die than help him. If he was too weak of will, it was his own damn fault and he deserved to lose everything. She certainly wasn't going to help someone as pathetic as him.
Asuka wasn't well known for her ability to share, anyway.
He continued to feel let down until Misato had revealed to him that Asuka had walked in on her dead mother when she was only seven. Grasping the seriousness of that fact, he could then understand why Asuka had been so distraught. But for now, that was all he had to go on about her...
Hold on a minute, something wasn't right. Shinji remembered continuing to feel let down by the German girl until she was found lying barely conscious in a bath tub. He couldn't recall feeling sorry for her or understanding her better. It was as if he had never known that little tid bit about her past. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't actually remember Misato ever talking to him about that. He had asked her about Asuka's past before, but she said that it was something that was best left undiscussed. Either pilot histories and evaluations were classified and he didn't have the clearance, or Misato just didn't want him getting involved and getting himself hurt.
But if Misato had never told him, why did he think that she did? And where had he gotten that information?
He had simply assumed that it was Misato who told him because when he thought about that, she also popped into his mind's eye. Somehow she was associated with the memory. Her, and an ice-cold can of Yesibu beer, which induced a comfortable burning sensation in his throat as he downed the tasty beverage.
Wait, what? Shinji had never had a drop of alcohol in his life. How would he know what beer tastes like? How did he even know that it was a Yesibu? It was Misato's favorite brand, but why would he know anything about that?
The math was adding up to anything but the right answer, once again.
Unless...
Were these Misato's memories?
Had she been thinking about Asuka after the fifteenth?
As he dwelled on this new hypothetical situation, he could feel the sensation of depression. He also felt concern and worry. Minus the depression, these felt like...these felt like those times in Eva when all seemed lost and then Unit01 would come alive and protect him. These also felt like the time he spent around Rei.
Mother...
Yes, it felt like a mother. A mother that was worried about her child.
These sensations were not his own, and he was not currently in these emotional states. These felt like memories, as well. Maybe Misato had been thinking about Asuka after her mind rape. It seemed to make her sad, because she knows of the horrible pain that Asuka hides. Misato's most likely reaction or method of coping was trying to drown her sorrows with beer.
Was she really THAT worried about Asuka, though? Did she really feel THAT close to the red-head?
"Misato, I...I had no idea...that Asuka meant that much to you." Shinji whispered to himself. He was rather frightened at the revelation, at knowing the truth about something so personal.
Then the confusion set in again. "But...why? Why would you care about her like that? After all the lip she gave you, after all the ingratitude and insults, how the hell could you put up with her? Why would you care at all?"
"You should really ask YOURSELF that question, Shin-jun."
Suddenly made aware that he was no longer alone, Shinji looked up at the mirror, checking to see who was behind him.
He saw nobody but himself.
He spun on his heel and scanned the room, just to be completely sure.
In that split second, he felt as though he had just conversed with the dead.
Shinji's heart was racing from the startle, but he was beginning to calm down, although he was still a little spooked inwardly. The voice had sounded very real. The voice instantly conjured up images of a purple-haired woman in a black dress, red jacket, and red beret. He also thought about the silver cross that she had worn around her neck.
Only, it was no longer around her neck. Misato had entrusted the trinket to Shinji when she rushed him to Unit01 during the JSSDF attack.
She had also planted a rather adult kiss onto his lips before pushing him onto the elevator.
She had been shot as they made it to the elevator, and she was slowly dying from the wound that she claimed was nothing. Even if he was paralyzed with depression and feeling sorry for himself, Shinji could tell that she was just trying to be brave for him.
But what she had really needed was for HIM to be the brave one. She needed him to snap out of it and pilot one final time. Instead, because of his selfishness, because he was wallowing in self-pity, Misato's blood was on his hands. He had tasted her blood when she had kissed him, whose meaning he still did not fully understand.
Maybe it was just to show that she cared, or maybe it was just to snap him out of his depressive spell. But it was a rather passionate kiss, a type of kiss that implied meanings that Shinji was not entirely comfortable with. Misato was a very beautiful woman, but he had never really thought about her like that. She was not as a girlfriend to him, she was more like a big sister.
With her domestic habits, she certainly acted like a sister.
But Misato had also taken him in, given him a home when Gendo was obviously not going to allow him to stay with him. She took an active interest in his life, ranging from asking about how his day at school was to usually being the first person to greet him has he exited his entry plug. He had waken up in the hospital with her slouched in a chair next to his bed on several occasions, as if she had been watching over him, checking to see that he would not disappear from her forever. She nagged on him about his grades and rooted him on when he piloted. She was one of the few people whose words of praise seemed...genuine.
In a lot of ways, she had taken care of him like a mother.
And he took care of her. They had a nice dynamic going on; she gave him a place to stay and offered to help him in life from time to time, and he cooked and cleaned and provided the occasional sympathetic ear. They looked out for one another. Not as husband and wife, but as two people who just needed a little help now and again.
Thinking back on it, Shinji was glad that he had met Misato. He would even go so far as to say that she was the closest thing he had for a mother ever since his real mother was absorbed by Unit01.
But especially at the end of it all, he hadn't ever really acted like it. After Asuka had slipped away into a coma and Rei II had been killed and replaced, Misato had tried to consul him, but he would just curl up into a ball and withdraw from her, barking at her to not make physical contact with him. Then, after he had killed Kaurou, she had the nerve to disgrace Kaurou's memory by saying that he deserved to die because he had wished for death.
Shinji couldn't totally blame her for feeling that way, after all Kaurou was an Angel, the sworn enemy of the human race, the scourge of mankind. He knew of her grudge against the Angels, for taking her father that she had hated but had wanted to get to know. But she hadn't gotten to know Kaurou, she hadn't befriended him and grown to trust him.
She didn't understand Shinji the way Kaorou did.
Which was kind of funny, considering her relationship with her father mirrored his own relationship to Gendo.
In his anger, Shinji had yelled at Misato, feeling betrayed that she could say such things. He didn't speak to her for several days after that, hiding away in his room and drowning out the sounds of her voice and the knocking on his door with his S-DAT.
When he was finally ready to deal with her again and apologize, she wasn't home. She had probably gone to work the night shift, again. He waited on the couch and went to sleep. The morning sun had greeted him, and still Misato did not come. He cleaned up the apartment and fixed a fine breakfast for her, and still she did not come. He lobbied around the apartment all afternoon and well into the evening, and still she was absent. He waited for at least three more days, and she still had not come home.
He wondered if she had just gotten tired of dealing with him and just gave up.
It filled him with an emptiness that he was accustomed to, but which was not any easier to deal with.
He thought back on how he had acted, not just the past few days, but how he had acted towards her in general. He had basically been a drag, always moping around and whining. She had tried to cheer him up several times, and he would just pretend like he didn't notice. She knew about his past and had even told him some about her own disturbing past, but he still didn't want to open up to her.
Finally, she had done all she could to ensure his safe delivery to Unit01 when the JSSDF attacked, and all he did was slow her down. He slowed her down so much that she paid for it with her life.
Misato is dragging Shinji by the wrist as they are running through NERV. They finally make it to the junction that one of the operating technicians had directed them to.
"Here it is." Misato states in a matter-of-fact kind of way.
Then there is a barrage of gunshots.
The sound of high-velocity metal ripping through flesh is heard, followed by a grunt of pain from Misato. She and Shinji blitz through the doorway before the several ton steel door shuts behind them, prematurely ending the pursuit of the commandos dressed in black.
Misato is breathing rather heavily, but not as if she is tired. It's more like her life is quickly running out.
"That should hold them off for a while. This way." She drags him along further down the corridor, then looks back at him. "You ok?" she asks, glancing him over for any wounds.
Shinji just stares back at her and looks at the blood trickling down her side. Misato gets a good look, herself. "I'm alright, it's nothing too serious...There's still power, Shinji. Hey, Shinji!" she is trying to make sure she has his full attention. "From now on you're on your own. You have to make decisions by yourself. Nobody can help you."
"I...I can't. I'm no good. I can't pilot EVA if all I do is hurt and kill people." Shinji sounds tired himself, but this is sounds more like a spiritual or mental kind of fatigue. "I have no right to do that. I thought that piloting Eva was my only choice...but I was just lying to myself."
His self-depreciating rant continued on. "I don't understand anything...I'm not worthy to pilot Eva. There's nothing that I can do for other people! I've done something really terrible to Asuka, and I killed Kaorou! There isn't a shred of kindness in me! Only dishonesty and cowardice...If I can only hurt people, then I'd rather not do anything at all!"
She is so sick of his chicken-shit outlook on life. It's time to get mad. "I'm not going to feel sorry for you. If you don't want to be hurt, then just die without doing anything at all!"
And of course, Shinji started to break down and cry.
Misato doesn't have time for this. "Crying is useless right now!"
But regardless of how little time they have, Misato can't bring herself to stay angry with the boy. "You hate yourself, right? That's why you can hurt other people, because you know hurting people is more painful than hurting yourself. But, no matter what happens, remember that it was your decision. And that makes it worthwhile, Shinji. Because you decided by yourself! So stop lying to yourself! Think about what you can do...and then live with your decisions."
"But you're...you're not me! You don't understand anything about me!" Shinji sounds as if he is embittered, as if the past year they spent together has meant absolutely nothing.
Misato slams Shinji hard against the elevator gate. "SO FUCKING WHAT IF I'M NOT YOU!? ARE YOU JUST GOING TO GIVE UP NOW? If you stay here and do nothing, I won't forgive you! I'll NEVER forgive you for as long as I live!!!"
Her frustration with him and her disbelief that he could act like such a child are coming to a head.
Teenage-related mood swings and angst or not, Shinji could be really difficult at times. But right now is not allowed to be one of those times.
Whatever the hell is wrong with Shinji, he needs to work through it, and fast.
Misato is starting to grasp at straws here, desperation mixed in with the sincerity. "God knows I'm not perfect, either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again, thousands of times; a cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time I learned something about myself."
Then her voice becomes gentler. "Listen, Shinji. Pilot Eva once more and find yourself. Pilot Eva to face the questions "Why are you here?" and "Why did you come here?" Find your own answers. And then, after finding yourself, find your way back to me."
Misato places the silver cross, the one thing she literally keeps close to her heart, into Shinji's uncertain but capable hand.
Shinji answers to the affirmative in a manner that would make Rei proud. "Yes."
With a glimmer of hope in her eyes, Misato prepares to bid him farewell. She knows full and well that this is the last time that they will be together. "It's a promise. Now, go."
In part to make sure he's fully alert, in part because this is her last moment on earth, and in part because Shinji is the last important man left in her own pitiful life, Misato pulls Shinji into a deep kiss. She presses hard against his lips, savoring his flavor, letting him sample her own flavor, trying to make the moment as meaningful and as long as possible.
In spite of the force and spontaneity, this is probably the most tender moment they've ever shared with one another.
And then Misato breaks away and shatters the silence with a seductive voice. "That was a very grown-up kiss, Shinji. We'll do the rest when you get back." She doesn't care if she's killed the mood, she just wants to get a laugh, a smile, SOMETHING out of him before he leaves her forever.
He just stands there in shock.
Unbeknownst to one another, they are simultaneously thinking along the lines of 'That was one HELL of a kiss!'
Before he has a chance to overcome the shock and reply, Misato pushes him into the elevator and presses the button to send him up.
Shinji is still trying to process what just happened. As he starts coming to, he notices the ever-familiar taste of blood in his mouth. But he knows it's not his blood.
And then he hears a loud BOOM! beneath him, as the burst of light from the explosion finds its way to his pupils.
The explosion came from the floor he was just on.
There's no way in hell Misato's alive, now.
Shinji's legs collapse underneath him and he starts to sob into his hands.
Back in the hospital bathroom, Shinji was sitting on the ground, sobbing into his hands, the feeling of Misato's death being on his conscience finally coming back to him in full.
She had died saving his ungrateful ass, all because he was the one who wanted to lie down and die like the dog that he was.
If he hadn't been such a bastard, she might've...might've...
It didn't really matter. Third Impact would've come all the same, and Misato would still be up there in the ring of souls. She'd be gone from his life. No matter how you worked it, the end result was the same.
What would've made a difference was if he had taken his opportunity to express his sorrow for being such a burden and his gratitude for baring him for so long.
Not surprisingly, he didn't.
"Jesus." Shinji whimpers out between sobs. "...Misato...(sob)...Oh god, Misato! (sob) You should've known...that I'd let you down again!...(sob) Just like I always do!
"If I had known it would be like this, (sob) I'd have let you know...how important you were to me."
Shinji sat there and continued to pour out his sorrows to an audience that wasn't there for a few minutes, then regained his composure. He recovered the back pack with the medical supplies and made his way out of the hospital and back to his cart.
He needed some more time to deal with everything, but right now the matter of Asuka Langley Sohryou was pressing against him.
"Misato..." Shinji whispered to himself, "I can't promise that everything will be okay between Asuka and me. I can't even promise that everything will be okay for each of us individually. But I will promise you this; I'll find the answers that I need from her. Once I do that, then I'll get back to you."
For the love of him, he didn't know what the hell happened to the silver cross. It probably fell out of his pocket somewhere, hopefully back on the beach somewhere. But if he didn't find it, so be it. It was just a thing. Only the memories and what the thing represented mattered.
Finding new strength to go on, Shinji made his way back to that forsaken beach.
Somewhere, in the recesses of his mind, he could feel Misato's smile.
Since I did have Shinji magically know the truth (or most of the truth, anyway. OMFG SUSPENSE!!1) about Third Impact and what not, I thought it might kinda be a plot hole if he didn't remember anything else. So without giving too much away, we're going to see more and more memories from other people surface in later chapters. Which is good, because perhaps in analyzing Shinji and Asuka's feelings for other people, we may better come to understand the two of them, as well.
Oh, and is there any correct or prefered spelling for "Kaorou?" That's just how I spell it, but I don't know if it's entirely right.