The infirmary was all but empty when they reached it. Of course, it was late at night and there were no patients who needed looking after, so what was the point of keeping any more than a skeleton staff awake in the middle of the night – and those just in case there was an accident?

A medic gestured for Kale to follow him so he could have a quick checkup as well and Melony hesitated at the entrance, watching as Kale and the medic vanished.

"I'd like a different doctor…" she said, softly, not looking at Carson.

He felt his heart drop at those words – which hurt even more because he knew she hadn't said them to hurt him. She'd said them because she didn't want to be around him. He'd hurt her too badly for her to forgive him, and she didn't want him close to her – probably to keep him from hurting her again.

"I'm the only one there is, Colonel," he told her, his eyes and voice both giving testimony to the hurt he was feeling – and the guilt. "The others are off duty."

There weren't all that many, anyways. He could have a nurse do the physical – there wasn't all that much to it, after all – but after those words, Carson had a feeling that this was going to be his last, best chance to get her in a position where he could talk to her and let her know how badly he felt for what had happened. It was obvious that she was going to continue to avoid him if she could.

Don't worry, Melony, Talon told her. If he does anything you don't like, I'll deal with him…

I don't want-

The longer you argue about it, the longer it's going to be until you get a hot shower

She sighed, and nodded, and Carson gestured for her to have a seat on one of the examination tables. Then he handed her a towel, because she was still dripping on the floor, her light hair matted and dark with rainwater.

"Thank you…"

She took the towel and started drying her hair and face, although she watched him warily, and it was Carson's turn to sigh as he reached over and flipped the privacy curtain shut.

"I want to talk to you…" He said, softly.

She shook her head and looked down, her towel in her hands, but forgotten.

"I don't want to talk to you…"

He ignored her, knowing he had to do that once more, or he'd never get to say what had to be said.

"I know I hurt you… I don't have any excuse – even though I've been trying to come up with one for the last few days. Anything to give me a way to keep from taking blame for what I did to you. To us." He shook his head. "There is no excuse. I was jealous-"

"There's nothing going on between Kale and-"

"I know, Melony." He wasn't looking at her, now, either. "And even if there was; it's none of my business. You're a grown woman, and I don't own you. Who you're with is completely up to you. Not…" He stopped, his voice breaking. "I was feeling left out, and jealous, and I hurt you. I just needed you to know that I was sorry for that, and I swear to you… I'll never hurt you again." He swallowed the lump that was building in his throat. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it earlier. I'm sorry that the first time you heard it was when… that day."

He shook his head, still not looking at her, so he wasn't aware that she was actually watching him, now, instead of her hands.

Melony could feel Talon withdraw as much as he could, and she understood that to mean that while the symbiote still didn't trust him, and she could feel – even though he was trying to hide it from her – that he didn't believe Beckett deserved to even be in the same room as his host, Talon was giving Melony the decision. He was her symbiote, and she knew he loved her and would do anything for her – including taking over and walking her out the door if she wanted him to. But he wouldn't live her life for her, and he wouldn't make her decisions for her. It was her choice. And one she wasn't able to make.

He sounded so sincere, but her trust in him had been completely shattered. As she listened to him tell her about how he was feeling left out, she couldn't help but think back to try and figure out how she'd left him out, when he'd been the one she'd gone to for comfort. But she realized as she thought about it that she hadn't gone to him for help. She'd gone to Kale. And she might have done it in a way that would make Beckett feel left out, sure… but she couldn't control how he felt. How could she let him help her anymore than what he'd already been doing? Kale was the one that could fly and could tote her around. Not Carson.

She understood the jealousy and the hurt, but Carson was right; there was no excuse. She would never have done to him what he'd done to her. Well… if situations were reversed? If he was working on something important and she was feeling left out? And he was seeking assistance form some cute woman who ran around naked…? She was honest enough with herself that she knew she probably would have felt jealous, too.

She felt tears stinging her eys. This wasn't a decision could just make in an instant. A broken trust… no matter the reason… it was… it had hurt so much. And not the physical – which had been eased by Talon before it could become etched in her memory. It was the emotional injuries she'd taken – the psychological ones that screamed at her.

"What I did was unforgivable," Carson said, looking up at her face, now, and seeing agony in her expression. God, even now he was hurting her. "I know you can't forgive and forget, but I needed to let you know how I felt. That I was sorry."

He sighed, and shook his head.

"I'll go find a nurse to give you your checkup…"

She nodded, looking down at her hands again, unable to feel anything but numb.

He left the curtained area, and she wiped her eyes on the towel, her emotions and thoughts chaotic. Far too whacked to give a report of any kind. Not tonight. When the medic came to give her her physical, Mitchell asked her if she'd send word to Sheppard and Weir that she wasn't feeling up to a briefing just then – she'd do it first thing in the morning, once she'd had a chance to get some sleep and warm up. After a quick checkup to assure herself that the Colonel wasn't sick or injured, the medic nodded and promised to pass the word on, and suggested Mitchell go and take a hot shower and get some rest. She said that Kale had already left to do just that. Melony nodded, and left the infirmary, heading for her quarters.

OOOOOOOO

Nothing is unforgivable if you love someone enough…

The words were rolling through her mind as she showered, soaking up hot water that didn't seem to warm the chilled spot in the very center of her – although it was doing wonders for her aching muscles that were tired of sleeping on the ground. It had been a mantra she'd lived by all her life – and advice that she'd always passed on to those around her when they'd been in arguments with those they loved. She and Brad had never had an argument so bad that they'd needed that advice, and Brad had never done anything so out of line that she'd ever had to use her own advice. They'd had a few tiffs, but nothing so bad that it hadn't made making up difficult – and that making up had been some of the sweetest moments she'd spent with him.

She sobbed, wishing for the millionth time that things were different. That things had been different. And knowing that the past couldn't be changed. For better or worse a person had to live in the here and now – because that was what you had to deal with. That was where the people around you were. She'd lost so many people in her life that she'd learned that to dwell on those hurts that seemed so insurmountable would only bring pain. It was the only way she'd been able to keep from giving in to that pain. Those hurts that came when she'd lost her parents, and her brother, and then her lover and the rest of SG-2.

How long she was in the shower she didn't know. The water was still hot – Atlantis had an almost unlimited supply of hot water – but she was wrinkled and waterlogged by the time she finally turned the water off and reached for a towel. She still wasn't completely sure what to do, but she knew what she needed just then. She dried off, and reached for her clothes.

OOOOOOOOO

He hadn't thought he'd be able to get back to sleep. He'd poured his heart out and it hadn't worked. Ford had been wrong; some things weren't forgivable, no matter how much you cared for someone – or how much that person cared for you. Some trusts couldn't be regained once they were broken. Some things weren't fixable. No matter how much you wanted them to be.

As Carson stripped to his boxers, turned off the light and crawled into his bed, feeling about as miserable as he'd ever felt in his life, he was certain he was going to lay awake the rest of the night, wallowing in the self pity that had taken hold of him and bathed him in an odd sort of depression. A depression he'd been feeling ever since Melony had left him to go to A-08. A depression that was as draining on his body and spirit as a hundred hours of nonstop surgery.

He sighed, and closed his eyes, hugging his pillow close. And had fallen into a light doze almost immediately, his energy sapped by his emotions. He didn't hear the door to his quarters open, didn't hear the footsteps cross the small living area and hesitate at his bedroom door, and he didn't hear the soft intake of breath as Melony gathered what little courage she had left around her and slid into his bed with him, pulling his pillow away from his arms, and putting herself in its place.

He woke, though, when he felt that. His eyes flew open in the darkness, but he couldn't see anything. He could feel her with him, fully clothed against him and trembling as if she might fall apart any moment. He started to sit up – to reach for the light – but her voice stopped him. It was filled with fear, and uncertainty, and trembling almost as much as she was.

"Hold me, Carson…? Please?"