Fic name: Better Man
Author: Lena
Rated: R
Background: Sequel to Aftermath.
Thanks to Raven, my beloved beta.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything OTH related nor the song "Better Man" by Robbie Williams. In fact, all I have in my hands right now is pain wrists and unfinished work
To Paulina: Happy Birthday. I hope you take this poor fic as a delayed gift.
As the night ran its course, Nathan Scott slowly made his way back home. Except it was not home, it was just a crappy apartment he used for sleeping, showering and eating. Nothing else. Home was something he had not had in years. Home was the one place where those chocolate brown eyes were.
He had no idea where that was anymore.
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
He had loved her. He still did. Yet, he was not enough for her. He wasn't before, he wasn't still. He was not the person that could give her the things she deserved.
His love was not enough. He was so sure of that simple thing that he had vanished from her life, hoping that one day he would be enough.
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
The cold of the night reached in his bones deeply and he closed his old, raggedy coat tighter around him as he walked slowly. His body was exhausted due to long hours of hard work. When he wasn't at work, it was school and then it was studying until his eyes were no longer able to see anything but a blurry mass of lines in the books.
But he had to go on. Somehow he had to endure the almost self inflicted pain and burden of his current existence. It was the only way to overcome his self and be the one that was worthy enough
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
As he arrived to his empty apartment, he turned on the lights. His arms still hurting from all the heavy lifting, he managed to get all his clothes together and put them aside. He had to do the laundry that weekend before it was too late or he'd run out of money to pay for it. He undressed, put on his pajama pants, and went to the kitchen. There was not too much food left, and he had no intention of calling for take out. He could not afford it. He needed the money for books, for clothes. He opened a can of tuna and carefully put it on a plate, added some mayonnaise and sat there slowly eating his dinner while going through the pages of his last English assignment. He wondered how he could make that essay look good without the time to do it properly. He had to take extra shifts at work that week because the rent was due and he did not want to fall behind it. His education was now paying the price… because he was not good enough
Go easy on my conscience
'Cos it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame
When he finished his food, he carefully washed the plate, dried it and put it back in the old counter. He crossed the place heading for the mattress that served as a bed and collapsed in there, allowing himself his one pleasure in life. He carefully lit the one cigarette he smoked a week, the one thing that he had for him. He took a long smoke and slowly let it combust in his throat. The numbness came almost immediately, that one thing that made things go away for a small moment
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain
His mind went to her one more time: to her smile and her beautiful eyes, wondering if she was happy. His heart clutched at the idea of her loving somebody else, caressing someone else… smiling for someone else.
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But he knew when he had left, that it was a risk he had to take. He knew that he was leaving her at the mercy of somebody else. Someone would fall for her as much as he did, that would fight for her to being at her side, to love her with everything in him. Day by day, day after day.
He finished his cigarette and carefully put the ashtray away, the tiredness of the day getting into him and his mind slowly drifting away from him while he reassured himself one more time that he was doing the right thing. He was getting there, he was working hard to be good enough for her.
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man
And then he was asleep, traveling to the one place where he was still with her. The place where he was already a better man.
Loving her.