Disclaimer: I don't own Full-Metal Alchemist.

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A dust storm was raging through the desert, but the two lone tough-guys were determined to make it to their destination. Finally, their persistance paid off, and Edward and Alphonse staggered into the sleepy town.

Ed sighed. "Whew! We finally made it! (suddenly angry) Grr... That stupid tour guide! He said that we'd be treated to a vacation full of dessert!"

"Actually, the brochure said 'desert', not 'dessert'..." Al corrected him.

Both of them sweatdropped.

"Anyway, we're here on business as well as pleasure!" Ed remarked. "The people of this village sent some kind of distress signal, but it was really garbled."

Al shrugged. "Guess we'll have to ask around to find out what the problem is."

"Right!" Ed exclaimed. Tapping a nearby old man on the shoulder, he cleared his throat. "Excuse me, sir! I'm Edward Elric, the Full-Metal Alchemist. We got a distress call from this--"

"Whhhaaaat?! You're him? " the old man yelled. "You actually came?! " The bizzare old fart ran away, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Everyone! He's here! He's here!"

The Elrics stared in bewilderment as he disappeared into the distance. "What was that about?!" Al asked nobody in particular.

All of the sudden, the Elrics were surrounded by a huge crowd.

"Wha--! What's going on?!" Ed gasped.

"Oh, I can't believe you actually came!" A lady happily cried.

"You'we my hewo!" exclaimed a little boy.

A teenager hopped up and down, screaming "Awesome!"

Ed grinned widely. "Well, what do you know? Looks like my reputation's spreading!"

Just then, a man who was apparently the mayor of the town stepped forward. "Thank you so much for coming! We were all about to starve because of this drought before you showed up. Just imagine... our sleepy little town getting visited by the Full-Meatball Alchemist!"

The Elrics sweatdropped. "Full-Meatball?!!!"

"Yes, that champion of justice! Protector of the hungry! Savior of soup kitchens everywhere! We're so pleased to have you!" the Mayor said, shaking their hands.

"Look! He's even brought us a walking can of chicken noodle soup!" an old woman cackled.

"I am NOT a can of soup!!!" Al replied angrily.

"Yes you are!" a group of children blurted, drooling and eyes glazed over. "Can't you hear the soup sloshing?! And the smell of that chicken! Mmmmm...!"

Al started backing up against the wall as the children closed in. "Ed! A little help here, please!!!"

"Hey, leave him alone!" Ed protested.

The crowd replied, "Sure, if you conjure us up some meatballs or other kind a' vittles with that alchemy a' your'n!"

Ed had a mortified look on his face. "Are you kidding?! I'm afraid there's been some mistake--I'm an alchemist, not a chef! Besides, my nickname is 'Full-Metal', not 'Full-Meatball!' You guys just heard wrong, that's all!"

"What?!" the shocked crowd gasped.

Ed crossed his arms in defiance. "Sorry, but you heard me: no food!"

Suddenly, the crowd started looking a little insane. "Son, you'll make food, one way or another!" an old farmer muttered. "Tonight, we dine on runt soup!!!" he whooped as he (and everyone else) pulled out their pitchforks!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!" Ed screamed in a high-pitched girly-girl voice.

"Edddd!!!!" Al whimpered as he disappeared beneath the mound of starving children.

"Get the shrimp!" the Mayor bellowed as Ed started running around in circles.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!" Ed screamed in panic.

Just then, Al burst forth from the pile of kids like an erupting volcano. "HUZZAH!"

"Al! You're alive!" Ed sighed with relief.

"Yeah, but we've got to hurry if we want to stay that way!" Al replied."Any ideas?"

"Hmm..." Ed pondered and puzzled until (finally) a lightbulb appeared above his head. "AHA!"

Ed turned north, took a deep breath, and yelled at the top of his lungs: "Hey, these guys don't have a 'Capital One' card!"

A huge dust cloud rose from the north and grew larger. All of the sudden, a hair-raising battle crywas heard!

"Let's run for it!!!" Al yelped

The Elrics ran like their ani (plural of "anus") were on fire, leaving the townsfolk bewildered. All of the sudden, the credit-card-crazed barbarians attacked, murdering people, pillaging their goods, and burning their homes and businesses! Ed and Al watch from a nearby hilltop, then turned toward each other and grinned.

ED & AL: "What's in your wallet?"

THE END

Other disclaimer: I don't own Capital One or their barbarians.

Author's Note: Well, that's that. This pointless but funny fanfic was inspired by an amusing spelling mistake.

("Huh huh huh! I spelled 'metal' with 'meatball'! Huh huh!")

It's also a class example of how stories and reputations get distorted over time and distance. Anyway, please review; I need attention!