WARNING: From this chapter onwards Sirius Black acts as though he is insane. Really - he does. Why? Because I am a cynical and evil authoress who loves experimenting with different mindsets. If you are uncomfortable with character insanity, then DON"T read any further. This is the only warning you're going to get.

A/N - Hey! Time for chapter 4... : )

Time for the disclaimer! JK Rowling owns everything you recognize. The quotes belong to the people who said them...(Epicurus, and Emily Dickinson, in that order).

Death is Nothing

Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not.

- Epicurus

Chapter 4: All We Need of Hell

My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

- Emily Dickinson

He shivered, a huge old jacket of Dudley's his only warmth against the bitter night air. It really was too cold to be out, but, he reasoned with himself, he would be back inside soon enough. After all, if worse came to worse he could always go back to Number 12, Grimmauld Place and spend the night there. It wasn't as though he were planning on staying here. He just wanted to make sure that Lupin was right, that there really wasn't even the slightest chance that Sirius was alive....

At last, making up his mind, he stepped into the derelict old phone booth, shutting the rickety glass door behind him and trying to ignore the cold that continued to seep in. His hand shaking slightly, he picked up the clunky black phone that was dangling from a slender piece of wire and, trying to ignore the frigid feeling inside of him that, he suspected, had to do with more than the cold, he quickly dialed in 6-2-4-4-2.

A cool sounding woman's voice spoke from the air surrounding him. "Welcome to the Ministry of Magic...."

:::::

Something wasn't right. He didn't quite know what it was, only that it was there – a feeling that something was happening, something that shouldn't happen – a feeling that he had felt twice before and that he had hoped never to feel again.

He clenched his fists in frustration. He was tired, he was ill, and, more than anything else, he was worried. Ever since he had seen Harry two days ago....But he shouldn't think about that. He would only become more anxious and confused than he already was. If that were possible.

He sat down on the edge of his bed, his head buried in his arms as he tried to convince himself that there was nothing wrong, that he was just trying to find something that wasn't there. Because there wasn't anything wrong, was there? Harry was brave, but he wasn't stupid. He wouldn't do anything rash, not like –

"Sirius!" he called, his voice sounding frighteningly small and lost in the vast, silent expanse of the Forest. "James! Peter! Sirius!"

Nobody answered him. He was alone – frighteningly, terrifyingly alone – in the middle of the Forest, hidden by the mists and shadows that seemed to leer down at him from the massive trees above. Suppressing a whimper of pain, he slid down the trunk of the nearest tree, trying to ignore the hot, moist feeling that was seeping down his back, and closed his eyes. Something must have happened; James and Sirius would never leave him out here alone, never, especially not after last night....

Another spasm of shivers wracked his body – his clothing was ripped and torn so badly it was almost falling off of him where he sat, and every inch of it was coated in blood – the sickly sweet scent coming off of him was almost too much for him to bear. Something had happened; something had to have happened....

"Where are you?" he whispered, his voice cracking hoarsely. "Where...." His trailed off into a series of heaving sobs – he felt as though someone was tearing at his throat with knives, but he couldn't stop – he was lost, he was hurt, he was scared, he – he didn't know what he was anymore. Everything was wrong, everything was so very wrong....

He was sobbing so hard now he could hardly breathe. He wanted to scream, wanted to lash out at the world and make her feel all of the pain and all of the sadness that he could hardly confront himself....He opened his eyes, but instead of the mist swirling through the daylight he could only see solid, death-like red...blood was soaking into his vision, mixing with his tears, and he let out a wild, hysterical laugh at the irony of it. The wolf and the human, melding together at last....

"Moony? Oh, God, Moony...."Someone was coming towards him, someone whose voice sounded vaguely familiar....

"James?" he said, his voice coming out a cracked whisper.

"What, what happened...?" whispered another voice, sounding severely shaken. "What...,"

Blood was still seeping into his eyes, and the world was slowly disappearing.... Forcing himself to look in the direction that the two voices were coming from, he said, in an agonized murmur, "Padfoot? Prongs? Where...what...last night....Where are you?" He heard someone, presumably James, inhale sharply.

"Moony, your eyes...." Sirius swore loudly.

"Damn it – we should never have gone out last night, we should have stayed in the Shack...." Remus could feel himself being lifted off the ground, and, finally overcome by the nausea that had been threatening to overwhelm him all morning, he leaned over and retched, hoping desperately that James and Sirius weren't anywhere near him. Sirius swore again, but Remus, suddenly light-headed, could feel himself fading....

"You came back...." he managed to whisper, his voice so soft and broken that he was amazed when Sirius answered.

"What do you mean?" asked Sirius sharply, sounding at once angry and exceptionally scared. "'Course we came back for you....We're the Marauders, remember? We stick together, no matter what...." Remus could hear him let out his breath slowly, and for the first time he realized how truly frightened his friend was. "We thought you were dead...."

His eyes snapped open, and he forced himself out of the memory of the past: For that was all it was, really – the past. A memory. Oh, God, how he missed them....

:::::

It was exactly as he remembered it in the dream – everything was absolutely, perfectly silent, save for the voices whispering at him from behind the tattered gray veil...the shroud of Death....

He shook his head, trying to force those thoughts out of his mind. After all, that's why he was here, wasn't it? To see if Sirius was...alive.

He stepped carefully down the rows of tiered steps, trying to ignore the flood of memories that struggled to overcome him with every step he took. A cacophony of shouts...of screams.... He shook his head and walked on, stopping at last before the ancient dais and gently murmuring veil.

Now that he was here he wasn't sure what to do. Feeling slightly foolish, he said hesitantly "Um, Sirius...I don't know if you can hear me, but I, er, was wondering...." He faltered and stopped. How on earth was he going to say this?

He sat down on the edge of the dais, wondering distantly what Professor Lupin would say if he knew he was here, and began to speak softly, not looking at the veil but staring unseeingly across the room.

"I – I know that I really shouldn't be here right now, but – I had to come. I can't really explain why...you probably know what I'm talking about anyway. Or maybe you don't. I don't know." Harry sighed. "Life's been...weird, lately. First the dream, then the words...." He rubbed his shoulder unthinkingly. "I don't know. It's almost like, like you're trying to tell me something...or somebody else is. I really, really don't know. It's all so confusing...." He looked pleadingly back at the veil. "I miss you, Sirius – we all do. Professor Lupin especially. And me. Life's been so – so strange, without you here. I wake up, expecting that, that you'll be there, and – you're not."

Harry's voice was starting to crack now, all of the pent-up emotions of this summer welling up inside of him. "I asked Professor Lupin, and he said, that, that you're dead. But he didn't want to believe it. And I won't. I can't. Please come back, Sirius, please. I need you here, we all need you here. Come back!"

He was shouting now, his voice echoing around the cavernous room, and he was suddenly filled with a fury the likes of which he had never felt before – he was sad, and he was scared, he was angry.... He stood up and turned around to face the veil, infuriated by the way it just fluttered serenely there, by the way it acted as though nothing had happened....

"I know you can here me, Sirius." he whispered, his voice filled with a savage anger. "I know you're listening – answer me!"

He screamed suddenly, staggering sideways and nearly falling off the dais. His head was filled with a savage, white-hot pain, the same pain that had burned every inch of him in his dream – but this pain was a thousand times worse, a thousand times more real. Had he been able to think he would have wondered why he was still alive – as it was his mind was too consumed by the burning fury to think. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to quench the flame that was surely leaping from them, and saw, engraved into the dancing blackness of his eyelids, the same words that had been etched into his shoulder – HE IS OURS. What it meant he had no idea, nor did he care.... His legs were giving way beneath him, and fell sideways, feeling the soft, wonderfully cool touch of fabric against his skin as a door burst open somewhere overhead....

:::::

This wasn't happening; this couldn't be happening. Not again. First James, then Sirius, now...no. He would get there before that. Harry would not – could not – He would get there. He had to get there. If he didn't....

He slammed the door open and skidded to a sudden halt, barley avoiding crashing into the wall opposite him. He was in a circular room lit by flickering bluish flames – five doors surrounded him, every one of them identical....

He didn't have time for this – he had to get to Harry. Growling impatiently, he started towards the door nearest him, then suddenly stopped, turning around to face another one. He didn't know what it was, but something was telling him that this was the right door, the one that would lead him to Harry. His wolf-sense, as Sirius had once called it. He growled again. He couldn't think of Sirius right now – he had to get to Harry. Striding towards the new door, he flung it open and stopped dead in his tracks, unable to breath.

He was too late. Harry had, Harry had.... He sank to the ground, unable to look away from the veil, which was billowing imposingly as it welcomed its newest visitor. This was all wrong – this couldn't happen again. Oh, God, what had he done?

"I'm sorry, Harry." he whispered, his voice coming out a ragged sob. "I'm so, so sorry...,"

:::::

He stood up, his legs almost too weak to support him, and glanced around, his vision blurry and...wet. He frowned. Why was he crying? And, for that matter, why was he here? Last he remembered he had been hit with that awful wave of pain after he had yelled at the veil, at Sirius....He shivered slightly. He didn't want to think about that.

He looked around again, blinking a few times as the world came into greater focus. This place...it seemed familiar, though he couldn't ever remember being here before. He was in the comfortable-looking living room of some house, sitting on a rather worn carpet as one – no, two – people played in front of him.

Harry could feel his mouth drop open as he watched his father, hardly older than 21, play with...him. Granted, he looked like he was barely over a year old, but....

He sank to the ground, unable to glance away from the scene in front of him. James was holding him, Harry, high over his head, whirling him around as baby Harry, giggling, tried to catch the "snitch." Harry could feel a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Was this what his life was like, what his life should have been like?

After a while he glanced around curiously. It was storming out – lightening flashed through the windows, casting bizarre and unnatural shadows on the floor, and thunder boomed outside. Lily, (My Mum, thought Harry a, a strange feeling surging inside of him), stretched out on a large couch across from James and Harry, was frowning thoughtfully as she held a pen suspended over what appeared to be a muggle crossword puzzle. "A six letter word for 'tribal mystic.'" she mused aloud. James rolled his eyes at baby Harry, who giggled.

"Mummy's very strange, isn't she Harry? Not like Daddy and Uncle Padfoot." Now it was Lily's turn to roll her eyes.

"Corrupting poor Harry already?"

"Mummy's just jealous." James informed baby Harry, who seemed to be becoming rather sleepy. "She wishes she could turn into a stag."

Is this what Heaven is like? wondered Harry vaguely, settling himself more comfortably against the wall. Although if this was Heaven, then surely there wouldn't be that low, sobbing noise in the background, a noise which was growing steadily louder and more irksome....

Annoyed, Harry glanced around the room again and found, to his surprise, that there was a figure hunched against the far wall, a figure who was half cloaked in shadow but was hauntingly familiar....

Although afterwards he could not explain how it had happened, the next moment he was crouched by Sirius' side, his eyes wide as he watched Sirius, his head buried between his knees, rock backwards and forwards, moaning.

"Please not again, please, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! I'll do anything, anything I promise but not this, not this again oh please make it STOP!"

"S-Sirius?" whispered Harry hesitantly, feeling at once ecstatic and terribly afraid. He hadn't the faintest idea what Sirius was talking about, if this even was Sirius, and for some reason he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Sirius looked up and glanced around wildly; his ghostly white face was tear streaked and even thinner than Harry had remembered it, and the haunted look in his eyes was replaced with one of...fear? "H-Harry?" whispered Sirius – his voice was cracked and strained, and filled with a sort of blind terror Harry had never heard there before. "You...them...."

Unsure of what Sirius was talking about, Harry reached out hesitantly and touched his godfather's shoulder. Sirius recoiled and began to shake violently. "Enough..." he muttered, burying his head in his knees again. "Seen... enough... not again, please not again...."

Harry was becoming truly frightened now. "Please, Sirius, it's me, Harry! You, you remember me, don't you? Harry Potter, your godson?" Sirius looked up at him, and, though he still looked terrified, his eyes were also filled with a new look – uncertainty.

"You, you're not...not them?" he muttered, still refusing to look at James, Lily, and the baby Harry. "From...where Remus...."

"Yes." said Harry quickly. There followed a short pause, during which Sirius stared avidly at him, and Harry, unsure of whether or not this were some bizarre dream, reached out again and touched Sirius' shoulder.

"And you – you're real too?" he asked hesitantly. An enormous flash of lightening lit the room, slicing it in two, and was immediately followed by a deafening crash of thunder. Sirius yelped, as though he had been scalded, and began to sob frantically.

"Not again, no, please please I'll do anything, ANYTHING, just not again, not ever again, just please stop and I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry just please make it go away, I didn't know, I swear I didn't, I wouldn't ever, ever do that to them, EVER, please believe me, I'M SORRY!"

Something was terribly, terribly wrong. Looking away from Sirius, Harry saw James stiffen, looking towards the door, and he was filled with a sudden feeling of foreboding. His parents just over 21...the crossword asking about a mystic...Sirius sobbing uncontrollably....

"No," he whispered, unable to believe this was happening. This couldn't happen, not now that he'd found them again, not ever. "Mum...dad...."

And he was screaming, screaming as James thrust baby Harry at Lily, screaming as the door burst open in a flash of green light, screaming as his dad fell to the ground, a hopeless expression on his face, as though he had let his wife and son down, as though he had let everyone down....

How could he have ever mistaken this for Heaven?

A/N - And, on to replying to my reviewers! Once again, if you leave questions/theories in your review I'd be glad to answer them in the next chapter or review your story and answer them.

Nethwen - About the words...well, you'll find out why they're there and who put them on Harry in the next chapter, but the 'he is ours' is referring to Sirius. That should give you a small hint. And I'm flattered that you're asking for my help in your L/J fic, but to be honest I'm absolutely terrible at writing that particular genre. I'm much better at Marauder-era bickering : )

Misthea - Well, I think I already answered your questions in a review, so I'll just than you for reviewing here! And yes, you win out - 6 chapters instead of 5. Hope you're happy. lol. Hope you liked chapter 20 of TwoWay Mirrors. Oh, almost forgot - 'they' were in this chapter too. I'm curious to see whether you can figure out who 'they' are or not...so far you're on the right track : )

Redluxx - Wow...lots and lots of compliments! Thanks - I'm glad you like it so much, and I hope you're not preparing to flame me after what I did to Sirius. I promise the next chapter won't be so bad : )

HoshiHikari4ever - Think I answered all of your questions too, so I'll just say thanks for reviewing!

sapphireskies - Argh - stupid school : ) Glad you liked it.

Kat - Well, I hope this was quick enough for you! Hope you like this chappie too : )

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and if you haven't yet, please do! I promise that the next chapter will be longer and not quite so sad...as always, PLEASE REVIEW!!!

Bye : )