Part 4

Hoshi sat at her station, desperately trying to keep her mind on her work, but other thoughts kept intruding.

It had been almost thirty-six hours since the doctor had linked the illness to a chemical imbalance that was in fact not caused by the vaccinations. Instead, the culprit was the inhalation of the original allergen, in addition to exposure to certain emissions from the gas giant they had been exploring, which had caused the neurological imbalances. Although some had fallen ill earlier than others, Phlox stated that eventually all of the crew who had gone on shore leave would have been affected. It was no wonder that it had provided such a puzzle to the doctor – neither component was harmful alone, but in combination… Captains became dragon-slayers, pilots became bears and Vulcans apparently became very drowsy.

So, by cautiously waiting in orbit of the planet until they could solve the illness, they very well could have permanently disabled over half the crew. At least now, as they sped along in their course away from that particular star system, the crew was beginning to return to normal.

Perhaps if such thoughts had been the cause of Hoshi's distractions, she might have felt a little justified in her lack of attention. At least then she could blame it on altruism. Unfortunately, it was not concern for the well-being of her ill crewmates that occupied her mind, but the thoughts of one particular engineer.

What had he been playing at, looking at her like that, talking to her like that, outside her door? Could he have developed feelings for her? She sighed and shook her head. As much as she wished it could be otherwise, she couldn't bring herself to believe that was true. He was probably just tired. And reacting to what had happened earlier with that lovesick ensign. And tired. And was just practicing his flirting skills, since he hadn't run into any sultry alien women lately. And tired. She didn't really think badly of him, but it was just too painful that what had obviously been a little joke to him had made her heart beat like mad against her chest.

She inwardly cursed herself and her cheeks burned at the thought of how she had slipped and let him know the truth of her feelings that night. Please, the way she had been staring at him in front of her door? She must have looked pathetic! A hundred times worse than that ensign had in the mess hall – at least he had a life-threatening illness to blame it on. Lucky bastard. Great, this was all she needed, for Trip to start seeing her as some sad little thing mooning after him. She could just picture him patting her on the head. What would be next? He'd start feeding her cheese and talking her for walks? At that moment, the object of her musings entered the bridge, and she quickly put her head down, trying to adopt the appearance of a person who had long been about her work, though it was difficult to be convincing, considering how tired she was.

When Trip took the captain's chair, he took one, quick look over at her before he slumped more than a bit dejectedly into the seat. He had been hopeful after that night he had walked her to her cabin, but in the hectic days since, she had been avoiding him like the plague.

Had he misread the situation that badly? He had never fumbled so badly with a woman before, but it had been a long time since he had cared about a woman as much as he cared for Hoshi. He must have scared her to death with all his talk. Oh yeah, there's nothing a woman likes to hear more – after being practically attacked by some idiot – than some other idiot saying he could understand the motives of the first idiot attacker. Real smooth.

He knew that he cared more about her than she did him, but he had long harbored some hope of changing that. Now she probably just thought he was some horrible, smarmy lecher, hitting on her while she was tired and vulnerable. He doubted that she would even be willing to go back to the friendly banter that had been the high point of many of his days. He sighed loudly as he resolutely watched the view screen, fatigue battling his ability to concentrate. That's it, buddy. You blew it.

Across the bridge, Malcolm let out a quiet but disgusted snort as he watched the two senior officers working very hard at not noticing each other. How could those two keep messing such a simple thing up? he asked himself for not the first time. They had been dancing around each other for what seemed like forever, and he thought they would have finally gotten together after that absolutely inane movie night. At the thought of that ridiculous event, and the lengths Trip had gone to please Hoshi, Malcolm grimaced. Good Lord, could the man have been any more obvious? Apparently, the answer was yes, he decided, looking at a forlorn Hoshi.

As he watched Trip let out a ridiculously long yawn, he saw that Hoshi did her best to hide her own signs of exhaustion. Maybe they were just too tired to see what was right in front of them. That had to be it. Either that, or the two of them just enjoyed acting like a couple of martyrs, torturing themselves. Which he could possibly live with, if it hadn't meant that he would be also be tortured by witnessing this god-awful homage to gothic teenage-tragedy. And even that was preferable to seeing Trip in his swimming trunks again. Ack.

He shook his head. This was exactly the kind of situation that a smart man stayed well away from. And he was a smart man. Very smart. That's right, a very smart man. With a rather stupid grin on his face.

The next night, Malcolm walked into the lounge and saw Hoshi sitting alone on one of the small sofas, staring out the window with a pensive expression on her face. He gave himself a moment to back out of his plan, reminding himself that he was not an idiot. But, instead of following the path that caution urged him to take, he walked over to her and sat down in a chair across from her. "I was just thinking," he announced, drawing her attention from her daydreaming, "we never did get that sparring session." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Are you still so sure you can 'take me down'?"

She smiled at him, but he could see the effort behind it. "Maybe not today, but soon," she replied, and a little genuine cheerfulness returned to her face. "And don't get so cocky, Malcolm. Your defeat will be even more humiliating if you start gloating now."

"Of course not today," he answered, pointedly but good-naturedly ignoring the second half of her answer. "We all could use some rest," he continued, referring to the break they had been given from active duty.

Hoshi nodded her head. She could have used the break even earlier – some of the crew had actually been scheduled for some extra time off, in exchange for missing shore leave, even before the medical emergency had started. But, with most of the crew quarantined, those same already overworked crewmembers had been working practically nonstop for a week. T'Pol had been one of the first to recover, and she had immediately ordered some well-deserved down-time for the weary.

Before Hoshi could voice her agreement, Malcolm continued, having just seen the other person he was waiting for. "Besides, I'm actually here to meet with Commander Tucker," he said in a calm voice as he waved Trip over to them. He almost smiled as he ignored the slight look of panic that overcame both their features. Torturing friends could be fun. Who knew?

"Trip, have a seat. Hoshi and I were just chatting a bit," he said as he motioned to the only seat available: the one next to Hoshi on the sofa. Of course, Trip had no excuse for not taking the offered seat. "We were just talking about how welcome the break is for us – we've definitely deserved it, after all the work we've had lately. I've been trying to come with ideas of how to spend the extra time, though I suppose a long shower and a good rest will top the list," he finished with a wry laugh.

If either Hoshi or Trip noticed that Malcolm was talking way more than usual, neither of them gave any sign of it, he thought. They both just seemed relieved that he was taking the focus off of them. "So, how's the Captain feeling?" he asked Trip, then turned to Hoshi in explanation, "Trip was just visiting the Captain in sickbay before coming here."

Trip seemed a little alarmed to have to speak. "He's, uh, he's doing pretty good," he stammered. "The doc says he'll be ready for duty tomorrow, or the day after. Though he did seem a little embarrassed about his 'episode'." Episode was the polite word people had taken to calling the various manifestations of the illness. While many of the crew had forgotten who they were while ill, they all seemed to remember what they had done when they recovered. Some people were more than a little amused. Most were more than a little uncomfortable.

Malcolm was the only one to laugh. "As I'm sure most of the crew will be as they recover. I wonder how relieved T'Pol was to have escaped with only a long nap. While her Vulcan logic might have told her that she was not responsible for her actions while ill, I'm sure the loss of control would have embarrassed her far more than maybe even the Captain."

Even Trip and Hoshi both smiled at that, though Malcolm could see the effort behind the smiles, as though they were willing themselves to act normally. Oh bloody hell…time to cast the dice.

"But, in a strange way, I almost envy them," he said, and waited for the obvious reply.

It was Hoshi that helpfully responded, her curiosity overwhelming her embarrassment. "Are you serious, Malcolm?" she asked good naturedly. "After T'Pol, you're the last person I would have expected to say something like that. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to trade places with any of them. Unless," she added, in an arch whisper, "unless you wanted to be a ladybug?"

Malcolm just snorted at that, not letting himself get distracted. "Hardly that. It's just that the illness caused people to act on feelings and desires that they had long suppressed. So perhaps while the Captain might want us to forget that he once dreamed of being a knight, riding around the countryside righting wrongs with an aluminum pipe, at least he got to do it for a short while."

Trip nodded his head, finally caught up in what Malcolm was saying. "Yeah, I was talking with Travis, and he was laughing about his whole bear-transformation," at least, once he was reassured that he hadn't hurt anyone. "He said that when he was a little boy he had seen a movie about grizzly bears and had gone crazy for them. He pretended to be one all the time when he was roaming around on his parents' ship. He hadn't even thought about it for years, but it really cracked him up that he got to play at it again."

Malcolm nodded. "Exactly," he replied, and leaned a little closer to the two of them, lowering his voice just a bit. "Don't we all have dreams that we place on hold, desires that we push down and try to ignore? I know that it may seem out of character, but even I can see the appeal in following your heart without reserve, if only for a little while."

Malcolm then leaned back, seeing how the two were responding to his words. Both of them looked a little flushed. "After all," he added, "how much time are we all really given? Something could happen any day, and perhaps we shouldn't lose sight of that. How am I going to feel at the end of my life, looking over a list of missed opportunities, knowing that maybe embarrassment – or pride – kept me from being happy?"

This time, Malcolm saw the flush deepen a little more in their faces, and they were each trying to look at each other out of the corner of their eyes. He gave a crooked smile. He had done all that he could do. He stretched a bit before standing up from his chair. "Well, if you'll excuse me… Trip, I hope you don't mind if I cancel on dinner. I see a particular botanist that I've had my eye on for a while, and I think I want to take some of my own advice. Besides," he added in as innocent a voice as he cold manage, "I believe you would have a much better companion in Hoshi than me anyway."

With that, he left a slightly surprised Hoshi and Trip staring after him as he began to chat up a sweet-faced young woman. He managed to sneak a look back at Hoshi and Trip, before becoming absorbed in his own conversation. Yes, a very smart man.

Slowly, they looked at each other, both of them repeating Malcolm's words in their minds. Finally, Hoshi managed to open her mouth. "Trip," she began, just as "Hoshi" came out of his own mouth.

They laughed uncomfortably, and a pause threatened to grow into an impressive silence when Trip decided to risk speaking again. "Well, since Mal's deserted us, maybe we could go for a walk before getting some dinner? Maybe somewhere a little quieter?" he asked, looking for all the world like a hopeful little boy.

Hoshi's heart just melted. Even if he didn't feel the same way that she did, at least she finally knew that she wasn't going to lose her friendship with him. "Sure, that sounds great," she said with a shy smile as he got up and offered his hand to help her stand.

They left the lounge, oblivious to the knowing glance that Malcolm shot after them, and Hoshi followed Trip to a rarely-used observation deck. It was a small room, but the entire exterior wall was practically covered by a giant window. With the lights off, the view was spectacular, and the room seemed as immense as space itself.

"Oh, Trip," she breathed in awe as she walked up to the window. "It's beautiful here."

Trip's chest tightened a bit at the way she said his name. He was determined to be brave and to say what had to be said. So maybe she didn't care about him in the way he hoped. He had to be honest with her, and he had to trust in the fact that she was a good person, one who wouldn't hold his unrequited feelings against him. He walked up to stand beside her, the both of them looking out into the sea of stars. "So, that was pretty interesting, what Malcolm was saying. About being envious and all."

Hoshi didn't turn her face away from the window, but just replied in a low voice, "Yeah, I guess we all have some regrets. And some hopes." She sighed and put a hand on the window, it almost looked as if she was touching the stars. After a short pause, she sighed and continued. "It's just so much worse when the two get all mixed up together."

"Hoshi," Trip responded in a low voice, turning to face her, "do you know what it feels like to have to say something, but to be too scared?" He saw that her body tensed up, but knew that he had to finish. "Scared of finding out how the other person feels, but knowing that you've got to tell them anyway?"

"It's okay, Trip," Hoshi answered, turning to him, but keeping her eyes down. "You don't have to go through all of this, I'll save you the trouble." With her every word, Trip's heart fell deeper into his stomach, but forced himself to stay for the other shoe to drop. "I care about you – too much, more than I should. I know you don't feel the same way, and that you're just being nice to me and looking out for me, and that I'm probably making you feel uncomfortable. I just wanted you to know that I'll keep it under control, because I don't want to lose you as a friend."

When there was no response to what she said, she finally looked up into his face. Whatever she was expecting, the expression he wore wasn't it. He again looked like a little boy, but this time one getting the best surprise of his life. She couldn't understand it at all.

"Trip?" she asked, worriedly, placing one hand on his arm. "Are you all right? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything after all."

Trip just looked at her, a huge smile spreading across his face, his blue eyes twinkling. "Darlin, you couldn't have said anything that I wanted to hear more." With that, he wrapped his arms around her, lifted her up off the floor, and planted a huge kiss right on her.

After one breathless second of confusion, Hoshi gave up on thinking, and just kissed him back with all the pent-up passion for him that she had been fighting for so long. The kiss could've gone on for hours, she wasn't sure. What she was sure of, was that it was the best first kiss she'd ever had in her life. Scratch that. The best kiss she ever had in her life. Scratch that. The best kiss anyone had ever had since life began.

When he finally let her go, they were both woozy and flushed and happier than they imagined they could have been only minutes earlier. They just stood there, clinging to each other for support, Trip's arms wrapped around her, her head tucked into his chest. She let out a long, contented sigh, and Trip laughed, kissing the top of her head. "You took the words right outta my mouth, in more ways than you might know."

When she looked up at him in confusion, he answered with that grin that she just adored. "Now, let me make a little confession to you…"

As she listened to him, a wonderful warmth spread throughout her heart. Thank goodness for allergens and Malcolm Reed, the thought flashed through her mind just before Trip pulled her up for another record-breaking kiss. As she melted into him, she though that for a kiss like this, maybe he actually deserved a grass skirt. But not a coconut bra. A girl had to draw the line somewhere.