"Debbie, Ray is here to see you" I hear my mom call from downstairs; I quickly put my arm warmers back on my arms and paint a big fake smile on my face. I walk downstairs as slowly as I can, making sure that my door is locked. Ray is here to pick me up and I'm not coming back until tomorrow, I don't want my parents to go into my room, yeah right, like they ever do, but still, I have to take my precautions. It's not like I want them to find out what I've been doing to myself, they would probably freak out completely and try to send me away to a Catholic school or something. I would hate that.
I finally get to the bottom of the steps and my mom is already walking to the kitchen, she is not even going to bother to say bye and take care, she never does. I take Ray's hand and he leads me outside of the house. He kisses me but when he does he grabs my arm on the place where I've just carved and I jump back, he looks at me weird, he wants to ask, but I just walk to the car. He has no choice but to follow.
We're in the car and the silence is getting somewhat awkward, so I lean to him and kiss him and he doesn't return it… damn it! He wants to know, he has asked me why I don't wear anything besides sweaters or hoodies or those "stupid arm warmers." I always tell him it's just the way I dress, it is partly true, but he doesn't believe me. We pull up at a lake, it's dark and a little bit cold. We walk and sit down a few feet away from the water, he puts his hand on my face and makes me look him in the eyes, it is the first time I do this in a long time. We stand up again and he pulls off my sweater and arm warmers. I'm wearing a T-Shirt under it. I look down and he sees my arms, I know he's hurt…
"Debra…" He says, but I cut him off.
"Ray… please don't, it hurts enough as it is, just… hold me" and so he holds me and for the first time I feel like someone knows me. I shed a tear, and he takes out his pocket knife and cuts a line on his arm, similar to all those on mine. I want to stop him, but I can't. I take it away from him and carve yet one more scar into my arm, this time he does say something and I don't stop him.
"Don't be afraid to trust me," I wish I could, but I know it won't be the same ever again. He will always look down on me, he is so much better than this, and I can't drag him into this vicious circle that I've built around me. I have no right. I stand up and walk closer to the water. I feel him right behind me, he puts his arms around my waist and leans his head on my shoulder. I turn around and all the sudden I feel like even more of a bad person because he's still bleeding. I grab his arm and lick the blood off it. He looks at me in a strange way.
"I wanted to make it feel better," I tell him, and the puzzled look on his face is suddenly gone. He pulls me closer and I'm too weak to hold back, even though I know I should. He kisses me in a way that I've never been kissed before. He suddenly pulls back a little and I feel him moving his hands down to my hips, he grabs the bottom of my shirt and pulls it off. I stand there in my bra and tight jeans. He looks me up and down and kisses me again, this time he somehow gently lays me down. He is on top of me and suddenly pulls away again, I can't do much but shake. He starts traveling down my neck kissing all my scars. This makes me feel good and bad. I know he loves me now, but I don't know what will happen later. I want to ask him, but I'm enjoying this far too much to care. Maybe I'll ask him later. For now I will let him take my pain away… I'm still the selfish bitch I've always been.