The Dalek Who Stole Christmas
by PDT
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse.
Except, of course, for a small house at the North Pole, where one man was preparing to do the impossible. Two billion children, twice as many presents, a positively tiny sleigh and 24 hours in which to deliver them all. He stood in front of the open fire, naked as a newborn baby, as his elves attached the garish red costume to his person. He'd asked for it to be changed several times now, but the answer that always came back was that it would be so much hassle to change all the Christmas cards, "…and besides, Santa wouldn't be the same if he wore a leather jacket, would he?" Santa pondered all this ruefully (The only way you can ponder these things) as the elves performed one final check on his travelling vehicle.
And behind a tree overlooking the house, a black-clad figure finished urinating, zipped up his trousers, and stroked his beard in a malevolent sort of way… "Soon, my dear Santa Claus", he chuckled, "Very soon indeed…"
Meanwhile, somewhere in the space-time vortex, preparations of a different kind were underway. "That settles it!" cried the Doctor, storming into the TARDIS control room from the depths of the ship. "We're not going!"
Romana, his trusty assistant, followed him in with an exasperated sigh. "But you were the one who suggested it!"
"That was before I realised I'd have to wear that… thing." He pointed to the tuxedo that Romana had stowed safely underneath her arm. "I wouldn't be seen dead in one of those"
"Well what else do you expect to wear to a Hollywood film premiere?!" retorted Romana.
"There's nothing wrong with the way I look!" snapped the Doctor, tossing back a loose end of his 12-foot long scarf. Unfortunately for him, Romana was considerably more intelligent than his average travelling companion. She, at least, was able to string together a coherent sentence. It was a quality that he might have found endearing if it wasn't so annoying.
Romana turned to K9, who had been sitting in a corner of the room minding his own business up until this point. "You'll back me up on this one, won't you K9?"
"Mistress?"
No sooner had K9 asked his utterly pointless question than he had found himself being tossed to one side as the ship lurched violently. Romana had managed to grab onto the main console, but the Doctor hadn't been so lucky, ending up in a heap against the wall. "Well, that was unexpected." He exclaimed, picking himself up off the floor. He was almost at the controls when the TARDIS was hit a second time. This time he just about managed to steady himself. "What's going on?" he asked Romana.
"It appears to be some kind of magnetic storm..."
"What, inside the vortex?!"
K9 sprung into life. "Danger, Master. The ship appears to be under attack by an unknown force."
Romana got annoyed. "Tell us something we don't know , you useless robot!" she exclaimed as she kicked K9 hard, sending him 10 feet across the room.
The Doctor looked dismayed. "You know, you could have just told him he was a bad dog, and that would have been the end of it..."
The TARDIS was hit once more, and warning signs began to blink all along the console. Romana looked worried; "Doctor, we have to do something now!"
The Doctor's hands flew across the control panel. "I'm going to take us out of the vortex!" There was a wheezing, groaning sound, followed by a dull thud.
"We've landed." Announced the Doctor, stating the obvious once more. "Now we just have to find out where, when, and if they do a decent cup of tea."
"I suppose we could try looking at the scanner." Suggested Romana, with more than a hint of impatience in her voice. The Doctor could be an infuriating companion at times... She pressed the appropriate controls, and surely enough the scanner screen blinked into life.
"Well?" asked the Doctor, who was completely engrossed in something else. "What can you see?"
Romana looked on in confusion. "Nothing. Just... Nothing. It's just a void out there."
This piqued the Doctor's attention. "Hmm? You can't get a good cup of tea in a void! Let me see..." He lifted his head towards the screen... and laughed. "Romana, that's not a void! It's snow!"
"Snow?" enquired Romana. "Ah yes, I remember." Romana had only had one encounter with snow before now, but it was not a pleasant experience.
"You know," the Doctor began, "For a Time Lady there's still an awful lot you don't know sometimes... Anyway, the sensors are registering an Earth-like atmosphere..."
"I'll go and get my coat then, shall I?" asked Romana, wearily.
"Hmm, what? Oh, right, yes." replied the Doctor, somewhat absent-mindedly. He rubbed his hands with a child-like glee. He'd always had a certain fondness for snow, and was secretly hoping he'd get to stay awhile. Hollywood premieres could wait- This was, after all, a time machine- but a healthy covering of fresh, crisp snow...
"Right, let's go then... The sooner we get out there, the sooner we can get back" sniffed Romana, entering the room with a warm coat wrapped around her person. The Doctor hit the door control button, and the doors swung open, allowing a small amount of snow to flutter in. "Wait... What about K9?" asked Romana.
"We'd better leave him here. Do you remember the job I had repairing him after Ribos? Electricity and water don't mix, you know... Faraday found that out the hard way, poor fellow. I told him, I said, 'Charles, you might want to drink that somewhere else...' but he didn't listen, of course; those types never do." explained the Doctor.
"I think I know the feeling..." muttered Romana, under her breath.
The scene that awaited them as they stepped out was magnificent. Their eyes took a moment to get accustomed to the glistening white snow, but once they had they realised that they were in the middle of a pine forest, each tree adorned with tinsel, fairy lights and baubles.
"Look, Romana!" cried the Doctor, "It must be Christmas!"
"Christmas?" asked Romana; "Oh, when the humans gather to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus in a stable in Bethlehem to the Virgin Mary and her husband Joseph, visited by the-"
"That'll be enough, Romana." Interrupted the Doctor. "How did you know all of that anyway?"
"I've been doing some research into human customs and cultures. It seemed appropriate, since you seem set on always bringing us into contact with them." replied Romana, curtly.
"I'm impressed... Though you still have some learning to do. You see, that's not exactly how it happened..." said the Doctor, wistfully.
"What do you mean?" asked Romana, intrigued.
"Well for a start, it wasn't so much Three Wise Men as the same wise man, three times over... And you can forget frankincense and myrhh; try a sonic screwdriver and the Crystal of Rassilon!" exclaimed the Doctor.
"And let me guess," replied Romana, scornfully, "Instead of gold you gave them a galactic glitter?"
"Not at all!" snapped the Doctor. "We needed to give them gold so we could repel the Cyberman invasion!"
"You do realise how utterly preposterous-" began Romana, before she was interrupted by the Doctor. "Shh!" he whispered, "I have a very bad feeling about this..."
The Doctor took a couple of steps, before reaching a clearing. It was then that he saw him:
"Ah, Doctor... How nice of you to come."
It was the Doctor's arch-nemesis, the Master. Looking a lot better than the last time they'd met, the Doctor mused, but then that was the thing about travelling through time.
What he'd not expected, however, were the Daleks flanking the Master on either side. "What's the matter," chided the Doctor, "Tired of doing your own dirty work? I only hope for your sake that whatever plan you've got going doesn't involve stairs!"
The Dalek to the Master's right made a move forward at this point, but the Master reached out an arm to stop him. "No... The Doctor is foolish. He will learn. But he's no good to us dead. Not yet, anyway."
"Look, do you want to explain your plan to us? I've not got all day, you know..." said the Doctor, bored.
"Well, Doctor" began the Master, "We know of your affinity for the planet Earth and its inhabitants... So we decided-"
"WE HAVE CAPTURED THE BEING YOU KNOW AS 'SANTA CLAUS'" interrupted the Dalek, "IF YOU DO NOT GRANT US ACCESS TO YOUR TARDIS HE WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!!!"
The Master fixed the Doctor with his steely gaze. "Think about it, Doctor... Christmas ruined for billions of those humans you love so much."
The Doctor pondered this for a second, wide-eyed. "Yup, this is pretty much what I was afraid of." He turned to his companion, "Come on, Romana! Back to the TARDIS!"
And with that, the Doctor and Romana ran, dodging Dalek blasts. And they didn't stop until they were back inside the TARDIS, the door closed.
"Doctor, aren't you going to help this Santa Claus person?" asked Romana, catching her breath.
The Doctor looked grim. "I'm afraid not, Romana. Not this time." He replied.
"But why not? You can handle the Master, surely?" she enquired.
"Oh, I can handle the Master. The Daleks, too." Assured the Doctor.
Romana looked puzzled. "So what's the problem then?"
"I've spent the last 41 years avoiding doing a Christmas special," explained the Doctor, hitting the dematerialisation button on the console, "and I'll be buggered if I'm going to start now..."
...And to all, a good night.'
MERRY CHRISTMAS!