I do not own any Saiyuki characters but I wouldn't argue if Sanzo and my
beloved Goku were given to me as a birthday present by a certain Japanese
manga artist...*wink-wink*...please don't sue cause you will find that I have
nothing and you'll waste precious time that you'll never regain.
SanzoHakki...one sided GokuSanzo...errrmmm and most likely other pairing or whatever along later...if there is a later. But I would like to state that I LOVE SanzoxGoku fics...they are the best...I just wasn't in a happy mode and this was birthed from it...I shall be the end of the world one day...^_^
Okay...WOW...umm...thanks for all the reviews...I mean I don't know how it usually works but for my first fanfic and first Saiyuki fanfic at the same time I think 15 reviews in less than 24 hours is a good thing ^_^ I must say that I'm sorry for the grammar errors...you see I suck at spelling and grammar...and I usually write between 12:00 –3:00am so I don't really catch my mistakes. I also have this problem with proof reading my stuff...I don't do it. That is why I now have a wonderful Beta for this story, thanks again braidedidiot.
Umm, I don't know anything about Sanzo and Hakkai pairings. I don't read the fics; I don't like the pairing..., which is odd seeing how they're a couple in this fic...hmmm...so I don't really know how their relationship is viewed among its fans. But since this is a fan fic...and I am the author I guess it's okay to write it my way ^_^...the characters maybe OOC but I've read other fics on Saiyuki and then watched the anime and people always seem to stress the character more than what they really are. In this fic I will stress them my way. Thanks again for the reviews, they really made me very happy!
I've always found writing the second chapter to a story is the hardest. Okay so you have this idea you get the first step down and now you need to figure out how to get it going and turn into a story. You have no idea how much I wanted to go back and delete the TBC on the bottom of chapter. One shots are so much more my style. All well, if Smoke doesn't start picking up and if you guys don't like it, I'll just delete the all but the first chapter and leave it as a one shot.
Well, onto the story!
Smoke –The Show Must Go On
Goku's POV
Daylight is breaking across the horizon. I've wondered why such a beautiful world could be the home of such ugly creatures, humans and demons alike. This sight I see before me, from this small window is one of the only things that can make me feel better. It to me is hope, though that hope I feel is starting to drain away. Nature is waking up, and soon you will too. It'll be back to the act, back to the caked make-up that covers our faces, back to the unwritten script we go by. We'll go back the lies we all seem so desperate to hold onto. I hear the birds start to sing and for some reason it brings a small sharp pain somewhere deep inside my heart. I also hear you moving in your bed as his comforting voice wakens you for another day. The sharp pain I feel intensifies.
I leave from the wall I rested my back upon and crawl into my untouched bed. Hakkai will play mother in about two hours and come wake me to go downstairs for breakfast. I need to play the child and be peacefully sleeping in my bed. Right. He has left your room now to tiptoe back in to his. And you two will go on as if the night had never happened. My eyes slip shut after hours of being open, and I hear him cross my door down to his end of the hall. And like clock work you'll light a cigarette to help you start your day. I'm tired Sanzo, so very tired, but I'm afraid to sleep. Every time I a nightmare, the same one every time where millions and millions of birds are falling from the sky, and I can never save them. I've tried to reach them but they see me coming and fly away only to die in mid- flight.
But I'm not weak, weak like you believe me to be, and I'll face these nightmares just like I face my life with a permanent broken heart. I can smell your cigarette smoke again, tainting the fresh morning air, drifting from outside your window into mine. My world slowly dims as I fall back into the deepest part of my mind.
Authors POV
A soft knock echoed down the empty hall as Hakkai stood outside Goku's door to awaken him for breakfast. And as usual no one answered. Giving a small chuckle at the boys sleeping habits, which could rival the dead, he reached to turn the handle. Fresh air brushed against his senses when he opened the door to a sun filled room, and a soft snore reached his ears. There, tangled in white sheets, was the golden-eyed boy lost in sleep. Silently he crossed the room and gently reached down to waken him from his slumber.
"Goku. It's time to get up, they're serving breakfast downstairs now, and Sanzo wants to leave immediately afterwards." He told him softly. The smaller body started to move and the closed eyes slowly blinked awake. "Ohayo gozaimasu." He greeted with his ever-caring nature.
"Morning."
"Time to eat." He told him again. The mention of a meal brought the sleep- clouded eyes fully awake.
"All right! I'm starving!" He yelped in pleasure, and scrambled to get out of bed to get dressed.
Hakkai let out a warm chuckle "I thought so. We're leaving right after we eat." And with that said he left the boy to get ready in private. Once the door shut though the joy that seemed to fill the room vanished as if it were never there, and maybe it wasn't. Small hands clenched the fabric of a pale yellow shirt causing the skin to go white with pressure. Goku took a few deep breaths before he continued to put on his clothes. He had to prepare himself. He knew there was no need to be nervous around them, yet for some reason he was. He knew all his lines, what to do, how to act but sometimes he was afraid he's miss a beat and that would cause questions he didn't want to answer.
He checked over the room quickly to make sure he didn't leave anything behind or too much out of place. Taking one more deep breath before he faced the day, he smelled sunshine, the breakfast downstairs cooking, and of course smoke. It was faint, but it was there, always there. It was time to go downstairs and join his traveling partners. He left the room and stepped into the hall and headed to the stairs, passing the room Sanzo used for the night...Sanzo and Hakkai. "Alright. Here it goes." And with that he continued on his way downstairs.
Gojyo's POV
They think they're hiding it. They think they have the world fooled, and more importantly they think they have Goku fooled. Even I can tell Goku isn't that much of an idiot. I should be happy for them, but for some reason I'm pissed. They just go on with their lives, treating each day like it was the last and the stupid monkey just plays along. I'm afraid for him. He's been acting normal. No one acts normal when the one thing they love in this world loves another. But still he acts as if nothing is going on. I just know he knows; it's a feeling I get when I'm around him. I'm studying them; Sanzo and Hakkai from over my cup, and I get nothing. That pisses me off even more.
"Something bothering you Gojyo?" Damn. Busted.
"Yeah, where's the monkey? I don't want to have to listen to him complain about being hungry before we even reach the next down cause he's too slow to get down here and eat." Hakkai seems satisfied by my answer, be he never is what he seems to be.
"What was that you perverted water sprite?!" Ahh, there he is, figures he'd be standing behind me.
"You heard me you baboon."
"Why don't you say that to my face Pansy-boy!" That's right Goku; act as if the there is nothing wrong.
"PANSY-BOY?!?!"
"URASAI!" Oh God here comes that damn fan.
"Owww! You damn corrupted monk!" He really doesn't hold back with thing. I swear one day I'm going to steal the damn fan and burn it.
"Oww, Sanzoooo. I didn't do anything. The ero kappa started it." Heh. Blame it all on me monkey boy.
"Both of you shut-up. Saru, eat the damn food so we can leave."
"I am not a saru!"
"It's nice to see everything is in order this morning." And there Hakkai sits, never on the other end of that stupid fan. Hmmm, I wonder why?
Goku's POV
His voice grates my nerves, but I sit down anyway to have my meal. As I glance at his ever-present smile, which I believe is rarely real; I have to remind myself that he isn't the enemy. I have no reason to hate him. I just have to tell myself that, over and over again and than maybe one day I might start to believe it. And Sanzo, I should hate him too but I can't. I can't tell my heart to lie just so I can breathe easier. But now isn't the time to think about that, I have an act to pull off. I look down at the food, it looks good like usual but I haven't tasted food in such a long time. Every bite tastes like cardboard and suddenly I'm not very hungry. But that doesn't matter for the show must go on.
"Alright! I'm starving!" That's how it should be. We wouldn't be able to handle it if it wasn't.
"You're always starving bakasaru." Gojyo chuckles beside me and reaches for a dumpling. How banal. I know this move; this is where I let him take it and than spend a few minutes exchanging insults with him to get my food back. So of course this is the way it goes, until we both encounter the ever-famous fan once again.
I choke down the food, argue with Gojyo, whine to Sanzo, and treat Hakkai with respect. You should be proud of me Sanzo, I've mastered the art of wearing a mask like the rest of you. Soon we're done our morning routine and we shove ourselves into Hakuryu to continue our long and drawn out journey to the west. And I follow because I don't know how to do anything else. Sometimes to them I am a pet, a pet with a skill for fighting. And they like me on a short leash.
Hakkai's POV
It seems that Gojyo knows something, or at least suspects. But that's fine; it doesn't matter, just so long as Goku doesn't find out. I love him like a brother and I don't want to hurt him, or at least break the news to him yet. Hurting him seems to be impossible right now. But I can't lie to myself; I can't deny how I feel so Goku will just have to get over it someday. But not today. He's what keeps the mood light among this group and I can't have him broken and angry while we still have to finish our mission.
But sometimes I feel like I need to tell him, like he has a right to know. But Sanzo, the ass, doesn't seem to agree. I wonder, am I doing the right thing?
"HARAHETTA!" His gritty voice breaks the silence between us, and I can't help but smile as I glance at him from the review mirror.
"You just ate an hour ago you bottomless pit!"
"Shut-up you stupid coach roach! I'm hungry!"
"If you don't make them shut-up I will." A glance a Sanzo, amused by his growl. I decided to try and save them from my lovers' rage.
"Maa maa, there's some meat buns in my bag, you can have them Goku. We won't be even close to another town for another five hours so try to make those last, okay?" I glance back at him threw the mirror and I catch a look of hostility directed my way, before it quickly disappears. "Goku?" This time he smiles with joy pouring from his very being. I don't understand.
"Thanks Hakkai! You're the best." He sounds sincere, but that look.
"Meat buns? You were holding out on me Hakkai?" I turn my attention to Gojyo and refrain from rolling my eyes.
"You know as well as I do Goku has a high metabolism, and I thought you didn't want to listen to him complain about being hungry all day?"
"Meh, stupid monkey."
Goku's POV
I hate the fact that he thought about me. Bringing food to keep me calm, only friends would do such a thing. Can I really call him that though? He must know that his relationship with Sanzo would hurt if he thought I knew. But he doesn't. But does that cancel out the idea that he's a friend? It doesn't matter I have to keep thinking of him like one or soon I will find that I won't be able to control my actions against him, or even at all. Yes Hakkai cares. Yes Hakkai is a friend. No Hakkai doesn't want to hurt me. No Hakkai isn't the enemy.
"Don't burst anything." Gojyo's playful teasing broke me out of my train of thought and I quickly remembered the meat buns in my hands and inhaled them. I can't mess up like that, I can't forget my role.
"Mind your own damn business." I grumble around the food in my mouth.
"Personally I think I'm doing a bang-up job of minding my own business as of late." My heart stops. What did he mean by that? That comment wasn't meant to be heard but I caught it anyway. I turn to glance at him and for a mere second his blood red eyes aren't guarded. And just like that the shields are up again and he turns away. I can feel the blood draining from my face. What if he knows?
"Gojyo?" I whisper to him, too quiet for Hakkai and Sanzo to hear over the wind that breaks across the jeep. He turns and gives that annoying smirk of his.
"Just can't have a gloomy monkey around cramping my style. A Goku lost in thought is a dangerous Goku. That means he's thinking and that's not one of his best qualities."
"Stop talking to me like I'm three you ass." He gives a small very unGojyo like chuckle.
"No Goku, you most certainly aren't three." Okay now he's just creeping me out.
"WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS JUST SHUT-UP?! That constant mumbling is worse than yelling!" Sanzo is practically in the back seat yelling down our throats. His eyes are alive with anger. Gods I love his eyes...
"But Sanzo we weren't even doing anything wrong this time. How come you gotta yell at me?" That's right Goku, just whine and use the puppy eyes he doesn't except anything more than that.
"Stupid saru! The fact I can hear you breathe pisses me off!" Ouch. That one actually stung.
"Maa maa, why don't we calm down? I'm sure everyone is just a little bit testy right now seeing that being cramped in a car everyday isn't anyone's idea of a good time but fighting isn't going to make it any easier." Hakkai, always the voice of reason. The only one that can calm your anger. Is that why you love him Sanzo?
"You should listen too him monk, no need to release your emotional problems on us." Gojyo really does ask to be hit sometimes; I'm starting to think he likes it.
"What was that?!"
"Relax, Goku and I will play nice or else your eye might continue to twitch like that forever."
"Stop teasing Sanzo you Ero Kappa!" Like always I rise to his defense even when he really doesn't need it. Oh how tightly I'm wrapped around you finger Sanzo and you don't even know it.
"Stop acting like his fucking lap-dog and stand up for yourself everyone in awhile! I guess you really do like the idea of being his pet huh?"
"Gojyo!" I can barely hear Hakkai cry out. Too much blood is pounding in my ears to really notice it though. I can feel it slipping, the hold on myself. I can't keep it inside. He aimed to hurt so why should not strike back? I'm a fighter aren't I? Aww, look at that. He looks like he regretted what he just said. But it's too late for that now. It's not like he wasn't voicing the truth after all.
"Goku...I."
"Shut-up." I cut him off and his jaw quickly snaps closed. "Can't really argue with you can I? I mean you're right. What else am I good for? Now if you don't mind I'd like to sit here in peace with my tail between my legs since I've been scolded for my bad behavior. If you even try to talk to me I'll knock your ass off this jeep. Got it?" This isn't like me. But I can't help it anymore. I need to release this monstrous hate that's been building inside before I lose my mind.
"Humph. Smartest thing I've ever heard from your mouth. Now maybe you'll shut the hell up." Gojyo gives me a 'Well? What are you going to say to that?' look about Sanzo's cold remark. I just turn away. I won't say anything. I can still save this show and fall back into my role. Only a few minor lines were missed. The rest of the ride was silent.
Sanzo's POV
It's been a rather unusual day. Not that I care. Stupid idiots. At least they were silent for once and didn't argue over who got which room, they just went to whichever one was the closest to them at the time. Good. That's the way it should be. But still even in their silence they drove me up the side of the jeep. Knots of tension bind in my back.
There is only one who can ease my muscles right now. But he can't come, not yet. He has to wait and make sure the other two are sleeping. 'Can't tell Gojyo because we'll never hear the end of it.' He says. 'Can't tell Goku cause it'll break his heart and he we can't do that to him.' He says. Heh. Like I care if I hurt the stupid saru's feelings. It's not my problem he can't get a clue. I need a cigarette.
Stupid Hakkai and his stupid paranoia about the other two finding out. I could be sleeping instead of waiting for his ass. He pisses me off just like the others...yet for some reason he can calm me down too. Yeah Goku can calm me at times too but not like Hakkai can. It's different with him. I can feel my body react to him and I can't stop it. With him it's easier to breathe, easier to think, and easier to care. I hate caring but for some stupid reason I have yet to figure out, I can't stop myself...and I don't want too. I've fought with myself over and over again about him and after awhile I've realized that it was a pointless battle with myself. I was losing anyways.
I refuse to say I need him, but for some reason I can tell him I want him; that I love him. Idiot. Making me care and shit. I need another cigarette.
"Idiots."
Hakkai's POV
I wait till the halls are silent and all I can hear are the crickets outside. Quietly I open and close my door before I silently travel towards your room. You're a cold man Sanzo and it's rather addicting. Sometimes I feel like what I'm doing; what we're doing is wrong. But my insides scream at me to keeping going to you, too keep on loving you. And it's still hard for me to grasp the idea of you loving me back. I must be the only soul alive to ever have those words directed at me from you.
As I pass by Goku's door a small prick of pain flashes through my senses. I'm so sorry Goku but I can't deny my feelings. I know I'll cause hurt that is inevitable. One day I'll have the courage to tell you and I know that will be the day one more person in this world will hate me. I wonder if you'd ever be able to forgive me and the hurt my heart will cause you.
I'm finally here Sanzo; sometimes just walking down the hall seems like a journey in itself. And I know that soon all my worries and fears will wash away at your touch. You're good at that for some reason. Silent and strong. An enigma I always find myself enjoying trying to figure out. I reach for the doorknob, but it swings open before I could even touch it. And suddenly I'm lost in a violet stained world.
"Sanzo."
"You're late." For some reason I can't help but smile at you. I found that really cute which almost comes off as creepy when it involves you.
"Enjoy your fuck." My neck nearly snaps as I turn to find where the invading voice came from. My heart freezes. Gojyo. And before I think of a reply he vanishes back into his room.
"Shit."
Goku's POV
I exhale the breath that was buried inside my lungs for too long. I refuse to stay up tonight. I need rest. I slipped today and that is not allowed, not anymore. I lift my head from the wall and slowly drag my tired feet to the bed. I don't want to hear the confessions of love tonight. I don't want to imagine that it's me that your pale fingers grace. I don't want to smell smoke. I don't want to cry tonight.
The sheets are cool and my body melts into them. I haven't realized just how worn out my body is until know. Blinking even hurts. Damn, I guess I can't escape the smoke. I bury my head under my pillows to help block out your voice. Oh Sanzo how I love your voice I just wish I didn't need to hide from it, hide from the pain it causes. Sleep is coming and I welcome it fully. The nightmares will come, but that's okay for my true nightmare is reality and it's just on the other side of the wall. It has turned out to be an interesting day hasn't it Sanzo? Ah, but as I said before, the show must go on.
"Hmph, I guess Gojyo does know after all."
TBC
Well...should I try a few more chapters or just leave it as a one shot? Let me know.
SanzoHakki...one sided GokuSanzo...errrmmm and most likely other pairing or whatever along later...if there is a later. But I would like to state that I LOVE SanzoxGoku fics...they are the best...I just wasn't in a happy mode and this was birthed from it...I shall be the end of the world one day...^_^
Okay...WOW...umm...thanks for all the reviews...I mean I don't know how it usually works but for my first fanfic and first Saiyuki fanfic at the same time I think 15 reviews in less than 24 hours is a good thing ^_^ I must say that I'm sorry for the grammar errors...you see I suck at spelling and grammar...and I usually write between 12:00 –3:00am so I don't really catch my mistakes. I also have this problem with proof reading my stuff...I don't do it. That is why I now have a wonderful Beta for this story, thanks again braidedidiot.
Umm, I don't know anything about Sanzo and Hakkai pairings. I don't read the fics; I don't like the pairing..., which is odd seeing how they're a couple in this fic...hmmm...so I don't really know how their relationship is viewed among its fans. But since this is a fan fic...and I am the author I guess it's okay to write it my way ^_^...the characters maybe OOC but I've read other fics on Saiyuki and then watched the anime and people always seem to stress the character more than what they really are. In this fic I will stress them my way. Thanks again for the reviews, they really made me very happy!
I've always found writing the second chapter to a story is the hardest. Okay so you have this idea you get the first step down and now you need to figure out how to get it going and turn into a story. You have no idea how much I wanted to go back and delete the TBC on the bottom of chapter. One shots are so much more my style. All well, if Smoke doesn't start picking up and if you guys don't like it, I'll just delete the all but the first chapter and leave it as a one shot.
Well, onto the story!
Smoke –The Show Must Go On
Goku's POV
Daylight is breaking across the horizon. I've wondered why such a beautiful world could be the home of such ugly creatures, humans and demons alike. This sight I see before me, from this small window is one of the only things that can make me feel better. It to me is hope, though that hope I feel is starting to drain away. Nature is waking up, and soon you will too. It'll be back to the act, back to the caked make-up that covers our faces, back to the unwritten script we go by. We'll go back the lies we all seem so desperate to hold onto. I hear the birds start to sing and for some reason it brings a small sharp pain somewhere deep inside my heart. I also hear you moving in your bed as his comforting voice wakens you for another day. The sharp pain I feel intensifies.
I leave from the wall I rested my back upon and crawl into my untouched bed. Hakkai will play mother in about two hours and come wake me to go downstairs for breakfast. I need to play the child and be peacefully sleeping in my bed. Right. He has left your room now to tiptoe back in to his. And you two will go on as if the night had never happened. My eyes slip shut after hours of being open, and I hear him cross my door down to his end of the hall. And like clock work you'll light a cigarette to help you start your day. I'm tired Sanzo, so very tired, but I'm afraid to sleep. Every time I a nightmare, the same one every time where millions and millions of birds are falling from the sky, and I can never save them. I've tried to reach them but they see me coming and fly away only to die in mid- flight.
But I'm not weak, weak like you believe me to be, and I'll face these nightmares just like I face my life with a permanent broken heart. I can smell your cigarette smoke again, tainting the fresh morning air, drifting from outside your window into mine. My world slowly dims as I fall back into the deepest part of my mind.
Authors POV
A soft knock echoed down the empty hall as Hakkai stood outside Goku's door to awaken him for breakfast. And as usual no one answered. Giving a small chuckle at the boys sleeping habits, which could rival the dead, he reached to turn the handle. Fresh air brushed against his senses when he opened the door to a sun filled room, and a soft snore reached his ears. There, tangled in white sheets, was the golden-eyed boy lost in sleep. Silently he crossed the room and gently reached down to waken him from his slumber.
"Goku. It's time to get up, they're serving breakfast downstairs now, and Sanzo wants to leave immediately afterwards." He told him softly. The smaller body started to move and the closed eyes slowly blinked awake. "Ohayo gozaimasu." He greeted with his ever-caring nature.
"Morning."
"Time to eat." He told him again. The mention of a meal brought the sleep- clouded eyes fully awake.
"All right! I'm starving!" He yelped in pleasure, and scrambled to get out of bed to get dressed.
Hakkai let out a warm chuckle "I thought so. We're leaving right after we eat." And with that said he left the boy to get ready in private. Once the door shut though the joy that seemed to fill the room vanished as if it were never there, and maybe it wasn't. Small hands clenched the fabric of a pale yellow shirt causing the skin to go white with pressure. Goku took a few deep breaths before he continued to put on his clothes. He had to prepare himself. He knew there was no need to be nervous around them, yet for some reason he was. He knew all his lines, what to do, how to act but sometimes he was afraid he's miss a beat and that would cause questions he didn't want to answer.
He checked over the room quickly to make sure he didn't leave anything behind or too much out of place. Taking one more deep breath before he faced the day, he smelled sunshine, the breakfast downstairs cooking, and of course smoke. It was faint, but it was there, always there. It was time to go downstairs and join his traveling partners. He left the room and stepped into the hall and headed to the stairs, passing the room Sanzo used for the night...Sanzo and Hakkai. "Alright. Here it goes." And with that he continued on his way downstairs.
Gojyo's POV
They think they're hiding it. They think they have the world fooled, and more importantly they think they have Goku fooled. Even I can tell Goku isn't that much of an idiot. I should be happy for them, but for some reason I'm pissed. They just go on with their lives, treating each day like it was the last and the stupid monkey just plays along. I'm afraid for him. He's been acting normal. No one acts normal when the one thing they love in this world loves another. But still he acts as if nothing is going on. I just know he knows; it's a feeling I get when I'm around him. I'm studying them; Sanzo and Hakkai from over my cup, and I get nothing. That pisses me off even more.
"Something bothering you Gojyo?" Damn. Busted.
"Yeah, where's the monkey? I don't want to have to listen to him complain about being hungry before we even reach the next down cause he's too slow to get down here and eat." Hakkai seems satisfied by my answer, be he never is what he seems to be.
"What was that you perverted water sprite?!" Ahh, there he is, figures he'd be standing behind me.
"You heard me you baboon."
"Why don't you say that to my face Pansy-boy!" That's right Goku; act as if the there is nothing wrong.
"PANSY-BOY?!?!"
"URASAI!" Oh God here comes that damn fan.
"Owww! You damn corrupted monk!" He really doesn't hold back with thing. I swear one day I'm going to steal the damn fan and burn it.
"Oww, Sanzoooo. I didn't do anything. The ero kappa started it." Heh. Blame it all on me monkey boy.
"Both of you shut-up. Saru, eat the damn food so we can leave."
"I am not a saru!"
"It's nice to see everything is in order this morning." And there Hakkai sits, never on the other end of that stupid fan. Hmmm, I wonder why?
Goku's POV
His voice grates my nerves, but I sit down anyway to have my meal. As I glance at his ever-present smile, which I believe is rarely real; I have to remind myself that he isn't the enemy. I have no reason to hate him. I just have to tell myself that, over and over again and than maybe one day I might start to believe it. And Sanzo, I should hate him too but I can't. I can't tell my heart to lie just so I can breathe easier. But now isn't the time to think about that, I have an act to pull off. I look down at the food, it looks good like usual but I haven't tasted food in such a long time. Every bite tastes like cardboard and suddenly I'm not very hungry. But that doesn't matter for the show must go on.
"Alright! I'm starving!" That's how it should be. We wouldn't be able to handle it if it wasn't.
"You're always starving bakasaru." Gojyo chuckles beside me and reaches for a dumpling. How banal. I know this move; this is where I let him take it and than spend a few minutes exchanging insults with him to get my food back. So of course this is the way it goes, until we both encounter the ever-famous fan once again.
I choke down the food, argue with Gojyo, whine to Sanzo, and treat Hakkai with respect. You should be proud of me Sanzo, I've mastered the art of wearing a mask like the rest of you. Soon we're done our morning routine and we shove ourselves into Hakuryu to continue our long and drawn out journey to the west. And I follow because I don't know how to do anything else. Sometimes to them I am a pet, a pet with a skill for fighting. And they like me on a short leash.
Hakkai's POV
It seems that Gojyo knows something, or at least suspects. But that's fine; it doesn't matter, just so long as Goku doesn't find out. I love him like a brother and I don't want to hurt him, or at least break the news to him yet. Hurting him seems to be impossible right now. But I can't lie to myself; I can't deny how I feel so Goku will just have to get over it someday. But not today. He's what keeps the mood light among this group and I can't have him broken and angry while we still have to finish our mission.
But sometimes I feel like I need to tell him, like he has a right to know. But Sanzo, the ass, doesn't seem to agree. I wonder, am I doing the right thing?
"HARAHETTA!" His gritty voice breaks the silence between us, and I can't help but smile as I glance at him from the review mirror.
"You just ate an hour ago you bottomless pit!"
"Shut-up you stupid coach roach! I'm hungry!"
"If you don't make them shut-up I will." A glance a Sanzo, amused by his growl. I decided to try and save them from my lovers' rage.
"Maa maa, there's some meat buns in my bag, you can have them Goku. We won't be even close to another town for another five hours so try to make those last, okay?" I glance back at him threw the mirror and I catch a look of hostility directed my way, before it quickly disappears. "Goku?" This time he smiles with joy pouring from his very being. I don't understand.
"Thanks Hakkai! You're the best." He sounds sincere, but that look.
"Meat buns? You were holding out on me Hakkai?" I turn my attention to Gojyo and refrain from rolling my eyes.
"You know as well as I do Goku has a high metabolism, and I thought you didn't want to listen to him complain about being hungry all day?"
"Meh, stupid monkey."
Goku's POV
I hate the fact that he thought about me. Bringing food to keep me calm, only friends would do such a thing. Can I really call him that though? He must know that his relationship with Sanzo would hurt if he thought I knew. But he doesn't. But does that cancel out the idea that he's a friend? It doesn't matter I have to keep thinking of him like one or soon I will find that I won't be able to control my actions against him, or even at all. Yes Hakkai cares. Yes Hakkai is a friend. No Hakkai doesn't want to hurt me. No Hakkai isn't the enemy.
"Don't burst anything." Gojyo's playful teasing broke me out of my train of thought and I quickly remembered the meat buns in my hands and inhaled them. I can't mess up like that, I can't forget my role.
"Mind your own damn business." I grumble around the food in my mouth.
"Personally I think I'm doing a bang-up job of minding my own business as of late." My heart stops. What did he mean by that? That comment wasn't meant to be heard but I caught it anyway. I turn to glance at him and for a mere second his blood red eyes aren't guarded. And just like that the shields are up again and he turns away. I can feel the blood draining from my face. What if he knows?
"Gojyo?" I whisper to him, too quiet for Hakkai and Sanzo to hear over the wind that breaks across the jeep. He turns and gives that annoying smirk of his.
"Just can't have a gloomy monkey around cramping my style. A Goku lost in thought is a dangerous Goku. That means he's thinking and that's not one of his best qualities."
"Stop talking to me like I'm three you ass." He gives a small very unGojyo like chuckle.
"No Goku, you most certainly aren't three." Okay now he's just creeping me out.
"WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS JUST SHUT-UP?! That constant mumbling is worse than yelling!" Sanzo is practically in the back seat yelling down our throats. His eyes are alive with anger. Gods I love his eyes...
"But Sanzo we weren't even doing anything wrong this time. How come you gotta yell at me?" That's right Goku, just whine and use the puppy eyes he doesn't except anything more than that.
"Stupid saru! The fact I can hear you breathe pisses me off!" Ouch. That one actually stung.
"Maa maa, why don't we calm down? I'm sure everyone is just a little bit testy right now seeing that being cramped in a car everyday isn't anyone's idea of a good time but fighting isn't going to make it any easier." Hakkai, always the voice of reason. The only one that can calm your anger. Is that why you love him Sanzo?
"You should listen too him monk, no need to release your emotional problems on us." Gojyo really does ask to be hit sometimes; I'm starting to think he likes it.
"What was that?!"
"Relax, Goku and I will play nice or else your eye might continue to twitch like that forever."
"Stop teasing Sanzo you Ero Kappa!" Like always I rise to his defense even when he really doesn't need it. Oh how tightly I'm wrapped around you finger Sanzo and you don't even know it.
"Stop acting like his fucking lap-dog and stand up for yourself everyone in awhile! I guess you really do like the idea of being his pet huh?"
"Gojyo!" I can barely hear Hakkai cry out. Too much blood is pounding in my ears to really notice it though. I can feel it slipping, the hold on myself. I can't keep it inside. He aimed to hurt so why should not strike back? I'm a fighter aren't I? Aww, look at that. He looks like he regretted what he just said. But it's too late for that now. It's not like he wasn't voicing the truth after all.
"Goku...I."
"Shut-up." I cut him off and his jaw quickly snaps closed. "Can't really argue with you can I? I mean you're right. What else am I good for? Now if you don't mind I'd like to sit here in peace with my tail between my legs since I've been scolded for my bad behavior. If you even try to talk to me I'll knock your ass off this jeep. Got it?" This isn't like me. But I can't help it anymore. I need to release this monstrous hate that's been building inside before I lose my mind.
"Humph. Smartest thing I've ever heard from your mouth. Now maybe you'll shut the hell up." Gojyo gives me a 'Well? What are you going to say to that?' look about Sanzo's cold remark. I just turn away. I won't say anything. I can still save this show and fall back into my role. Only a few minor lines were missed. The rest of the ride was silent.
Sanzo's POV
It's been a rather unusual day. Not that I care. Stupid idiots. At least they were silent for once and didn't argue over who got which room, they just went to whichever one was the closest to them at the time. Good. That's the way it should be. But still even in their silence they drove me up the side of the jeep. Knots of tension bind in my back.
There is only one who can ease my muscles right now. But he can't come, not yet. He has to wait and make sure the other two are sleeping. 'Can't tell Gojyo because we'll never hear the end of it.' He says. 'Can't tell Goku cause it'll break his heart and he we can't do that to him.' He says. Heh. Like I care if I hurt the stupid saru's feelings. It's not my problem he can't get a clue. I need a cigarette.
Stupid Hakkai and his stupid paranoia about the other two finding out. I could be sleeping instead of waiting for his ass. He pisses me off just like the others...yet for some reason he can calm me down too. Yeah Goku can calm me at times too but not like Hakkai can. It's different with him. I can feel my body react to him and I can't stop it. With him it's easier to breathe, easier to think, and easier to care. I hate caring but for some stupid reason I have yet to figure out, I can't stop myself...and I don't want too. I've fought with myself over and over again about him and after awhile I've realized that it was a pointless battle with myself. I was losing anyways.
I refuse to say I need him, but for some reason I can tell him I want him; that I love him. Idiot. Making me care and shit. I need another cigarette.
"Idiots."
Hakkai's POV
I wait till the halls are silent and all I can hear are the crickets outside. Quietly I open and close my door before I silently travel towards your room. You're a cold man Sanzo and it's rather addicting. Sometimes I feel like what I'm doing; what we're doing is wrong. But my insides scream at me to keeping going to you, too keep on loving you. And it's still hard for me to grasp the idea of you loving me back. I must be the only soul alive to ever have those words directed at me from you.
As I pass by Goku's door a small prick of pain flashes through my senses. I'm so sorry Goku but I can't deny my feelings. I know I'll cause hurt that is inevitable. One day I'll have the courage to tell you and I know that will be the day one more person in this world will hate me. I wonder if you'd ever be able to forgive me and the hurt my heart will cause you.
I'm finally here Sanzo; sometimes just walking down the hall seems like a journey in itself. And I know that soon all my worries and fears will wash away at your touch. You're good at that for some reason. Silent and strong. An enigma I always find myself enjoying trying to figure out. I reach for the doorknob, but it swings open before I could even touch it. And suddenly I'm lost in a violet stained world.
"Sanzo."
"You're late." For some reason I can't help but smile at you. I found that really cute which almost comes off as creepy when it involves you.
"Enjoy your fuck." My neck nearly snaps as I turn to find where the invading voice came from. My heart freezes. Gojyo. And before I think of a reply he vanishes back into his room.
"Shit."
Goku's POV
I exhale the breath that was buried inside my lungs for too long. I refuse to stay up tonight. I need rest. I slipped today and that is not allowed, not anymore. I lift my head from the wall and slowly drag my tired feet to the bed. I don't want to hear the confessions of love tonight. I don't want to imagine that it's me that your pale fingers grace. I don't want to smell smoke. I don't want to cry tonight.
The sheets are cool and my body melts into them. I haven't realized just how worn out my body is until know. Blinking even hurts. Damn, I guess I can't escape the smoke. I bury my head under my pillows to help block out your voice. Oh Sanzo how I love your voice I just wish I didn't need to hide from it, hide from the pain it causes. Sleep is coming and I welcome it fully. The nightmares will come, but that's okay for my true nightmare is reality and it's just on the other side of the wall. It has turned out to be an interesting day hasn't it Sanzo? Ah, but as I said before, the show must go on.
"Hmph, I guess Gojyo does know after all."
TBC
Well...should I try a few more chapters or just leave it as a one shot? Let me know.