THE PRINCESS BRIDE

As preformed by the cast of 'Harry Potter'

Directed by Tokemi (Who does not in any way, shape, or form, own, or claim to own 'Harry Potter' or 'The Princess Bride')

PART I

8 YEAR OLD SIRIUS BLACK was sitting 'quietly' in bed, trying to decide which Bertie Bott's Beans he wanted to eat and which he wanted to slip to his little brother, Regulus, who had finked on him for running about with the flu anyway. As they were both small boys, the concept of 'gross' was much more interesting than usual.

The opening door interrupted this activity, revealing a rather sour looking woman. Distracted from his search for the ever-elusive Booger Flavored Bean, Sirius looked up. "Yes, Mother?" He intoned dully.

A slight sniff. "Your Uncle Alphard has come to visit you while you are sick." Though the Blacks tended to flaunt the superiority of their excellent magical abilities, Sirius and Regulus were rarely given medicinal potions. Father believed being suffering through sickness strengthened one. Thus, relatives came to visit (lecture) them often, being bed-ridden and all. Uncle Alphard was actually one of the better ones, but...

"Mother! He always pinches my cheeks!" This was grumbling, but-- who wanted their cheeks pinched?

Mother's mouth pursed a little harder. "Sirius, you must be respectful to your elders." This phrase had a very repetitive ring to it.

"Though, hopefully he will not linger long." She murmured to herself. Mrs. Black did not like her husband's brother very much. He always seemed the type to do something rash...like leave a load of gold to Sirius to finance her eldest son's future runaway. Shaking away such trivial thoughts, she swept out, leaving the doorway open for Alphard.

The man was old -- sixty! Sixty! That was ten times as old as Regulus!-- and he smelled like old too, Sirius noticed as he pulled up a chair. Dressed in dull brown robes and wrinkles, there was nothing too exciting about Uncle Alphard.

He pinched Sirius's cheek.

"Well, my poor, poor bed-ridden nephew--" Said nephew resisted rolling his eyes. "-- I've got a little surprise for the patient."

Curious, the hands rearranging the Beans stilled.

"Yes, this book-"

A book? That was it? How cheap!

"-who read it to me. And now I'm reading it to you. Sound like fun, eh?" The old man winked, apparently quite oblivious to the child's painful embarrassment.

"...What's it got in it?" Sirius squirmed petulantly...maybe he could feign a fevered sleep?

"Oh, everything, lad! Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles!"

Watching the shine in his uncle's eyes warily-- nothing was as embarrassing as an overexcited grown-up-- Sirius asked, "Are there any Wizard's Duels and stuff?"

"No, actually. It's, uh, it's really a muggle book. Please don't tell your mother."

A muggle book? Mother would have kittens!

Trying to feign disinterest, the child drawled, "Well, okay." In his best 'if you feel you must' tone.

"Thank you, your vote of confidence is overwhelming." Uncle Alphard bit, his Black temper(1) showing through. "He-hem"

OoOoO

"The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Hermione was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin."

A lovely, quaint, Engli- er, Florin farm appears. We see a bushy-haired girl sitting on a well, reading a thick leather-bound with the words "THEORIES OF GREAT ARITHMANCERS THROUGHOUT THE AGES" stamped on the spine.

"Her favorite pastimes were studying and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Ron, but she never called him that."

A tall, redhead slugs past the girl, hauling buckets of water from the well. He doesn't look too enthusiastic.

OoOoO

"Isn't that a wonderful beginning?"

"Um ...yeah, Uncle Alphard."

OoOoO

"Nothing gave Hermione as much pleasure as ordering Ron around."

Hermione and Ron are standing in front of a large bookshelf that takes up more than half the cottage.

"Farm Boy," said the bossy girl, "Re-alphabetize my books. I want them lined up according to author by morning."

"As. You. Wish." Ground out the irritated redhead.

" 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."

Hermione walks up and dumps a pile of recently-bought books into Ron's arms.

"Farm Boy, put these away...please."

"As you wish..." For a Weasley, Ron was actually doing a formidable job of hiding all his irritation. Ears aside, of course.

She walks away, looking stunned, thinking furiously.

"That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.'"

Ron walks in the cottage, covered with snow.

"And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back."

Hermione points to a surprisingly light book just above her. "Farm Boy, fetch me that book."

He reaches up slowly, eyes locking with hers, ears rivaling the hearth fire. "As you wish..."

It is suddenly spring and the two are kissing outside the cottage. Ron's sigh of relief at the lack of anymore romantic tension blows through the scene, ruffling the plant life.

OoOoO

"Wait! I thought this was sports, and giants and..."

"Obviously, boy, you missed the part about 'true love.'"

Sirius's eyes widened in obvious terror. "This isn't a kissing book is it?"

Alphard refused to even dignify that with a response.

OoOoO

"Ron had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea."

Ron and Hermione are standing at the gate, looking a bit awkward.

"It was a very emotional time for Hermione"

"Ugh."

"Shh."

The teary-eyed heroine suddenly flung herself at the farmhand. "Ronald Weasley, if you don't come back I'll...I'll kill you myself!"

"Don't worry, I'll come back." Ron looked distinctly uncomfortable, and made a few gangly pats at his girlfriend's back.

"How can you be sure?" Hermione cried fiercely.

"True love?" said Ron, falling back on a plot device.

"How can you be sure?" Though skeptical, she seemed comforted slightly by this.

Obviously deciding to stick to what worked, the redhead replied, "This is true love. You think this happens every day?"

Silly as it sounded, the kiss he got reassured him it was the right thing to say.

"Ron didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Hermione got the news that Ron was murdered-"

"Murdered by pirates is better!"

"-she went in her room and shut the door. And for days she neither slept nor ate."

Hermione sits quietly on her bed. Her books lie untouched, unable to help her now.

OoOoO

1)- Hey, that's an unintentional pun! ...Don't shoot, it's late, I'm tired, OK?

A/N- Whee! I know it's been done, but hopefully my take will be a little different. If it's any consolation I came up with the idea myself, then checked if anyone else had done it. Now that the serious part's over it's going to get much sillier... Well, it's late and I probably shouldn't post this now but whatever. Please excuse any odd paragraph spacing, QuickEdit is hating my paragraph seperations.

Remember, Reviews are required (Ok, not really) and criticism is craved!