I do not own any Saiyuki characters but I wouldn't argue if Sanzo and my beloved Goku were given to me as a birthday present by a certain Japanese manga artist…wink-wink…please don't sue cause you will find that I have nothing and you'll waste precious time that you'll never regain.

SanzoHakki…one sided GokuSanzo…errrmmm and most likely other pairing or whatever along later…if there is a later. But I would like to state that I LOVE SanzoxGoku fics...they are the best…I just wasn't in a happy mood and this was birthed from it…I shall be the end of the world one day…

Thank you everyone for your reviews, I didn't think this fic catch anyone's attention. I'm glad it did though. I must say that I'm sorry for the grammar errors…you see I suck at spelling and grammar…and I usually write between 12:00 –3:00am so I don't really catch my mistakes. I also have this problem with proof reading my stuff…I don't do it.

Umm, I don't know anything about Sanzo and Hakkai pairings. I don't read the fics; I don't like the pairing…, which is odd seeing how they're a couple in this fic…hmmm…so I don't really know how their relationship is viewed among its fans. But since this is a fan fic…and I am the author I guess it's okay to write it my way …the characters maybe OOC but I've read other fics on Saiyuki and then watched the anime and people always seem to stress the character more than what they really are. In this fic I will stress them my way. Thanks again for the reviews, they really made me very happy.

Wow…it took me forever and a day to update. Well life has been busy. This chapter is dedicated to Amanda Perry, who wouldn't dare let me forget this fic. (Sorry you got stuck with such a sucky chapter dedicated to you) Thank you Amanda for your kind words and time you took to write me. -glomps-

Grammar and all that jazz was not checked yet but after a few days I will reread it that way the story isn't so stuck in my head and I'll catch more of my mistakes. I'll fix it then

Smoke- I Hate Him; I Love Him

Gojyo's POV

"You smell him? What are you, part Hound dog too?" I look at his eager face and his eyes flash with relief. I can't say I'm surprised. He loves to fight but this time it's different. This time he's fighting to forget, to become numb. I almost feel sorry Kougaiji.

"At least I knew he was here! You on the other hand wouldn't have figured it out until he kicked you in the ass!"

"What was that you stupid primate?!"

"You heard me you hormone with legs!"

"Save it, you idiots! Focus all that annoying energy on the fight ahead." I glance at the blonde monk sitting there as if the world revolves around him. It's not like he's going to be fighting anyway. The trigger-happy jerk. I turn my attention to Hakkai as he chuckles under his breath. I have the urge to kick them both in the back of the head, but I also want to live so that's not going to happen.

"Oh look, there's our company now." I look ahead and see that Hakkai is right; there they stand acting as if we're a waste of their time. Feh, jerks.

"Finally." Goku whispers just barely loud enough for me to catch. No shouts and yelps of pleasure. No smart-ass comments on how he's going to beat the crap out of them. Just a hissed word under his breath. This isn't right. Goku please do something banal; stomp, gloat, laugh…something. Make it okay for me to play along with you, make it easier to follow up with my own snide remarks. Finally, Goku? Finally, what? Does this even have to do with fighting anymore?

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Sanzo's yelling snapped me out of my train of thought just in time to see Goku land on the hood of the jeep. I blinked and looked at the empty seat beside me. Shit.

"You idiot! At least wait until the damn jeep stops!" I bark at him, but he doesn't hear me. I doubt he hears anything expect for the blood pounding in his ears. Or it could be he doesn't care anymore and I can't really say I blame him.

Goku's POV

My release is closer. The wind stings my ears and my eyes water. But I don't dare blink or turn my head, not now. I'm almost there and soon I will be able to breathe again and my mind will be lost in the battle. Not lost in thought of you Sanzo, I need a break before I implode. I can feel every muscle in my body as I shift to the right position and wait for the perfect moment. Are you watching Sanzo? Do you see me as reach for a way to forget how much I hurt inside? This is it.

"GOKU!" I hear Hakkai shout my name faintly as I leap from Hakuryu and go straight for my target. I hit nothing but air as he dodges my attack. I would have hit him if I had used my staff, but this time I won't. This time it will be flesh to flesh. I want to feel every sting of every cut and every throbbing ache of every hit. I want to bleed. But even more so I want to make someone else hurt, for me to be the one causing the pain instead of the other way around. Not only do I want to bleed but I want blood in return and for now his will do nicely.

"A little slow today are, we?" Kougaiji smirks and stands in his ready stance. Instead of answering I rip off my cape and clawed shoulder armor and let it fall to the ground. He blinks, not understanding and now it's my turn to smirk. Nothing will be guarded and nothing will restrain me. Behind me are the footsteps of the others as they finally catch up. Like clock work his little sidekicks go off for a piece of the fight. I drop in my fighting stance as well.

"If we're gonna have to do this again then we're going to do it right the last time." His head tilts a bit to the right as he thinks about what I've said.

"The last time?"

"Hai, I'm done with games."

"And what would you call games?"

"No weapons, no hocus-pocus or anything else, just primal skill and instinct. And just so you know in order to stop me from attacking you'll either have to knock me out cold or kill me." He glares going over all that I've said. It's strange really, this feeling I have now. My blood is usually thick and hot with excitement but this time it courses in me like ice. I feel uncontrolled. I need that release and I need it now.

"Fine. Same here." I smirk at his agreement.

"Perfect."

Sanzo's POV

"Stupid brat."

"Hey baldy, where's all the food?"

I'm going to kill her. Idiots, all of them but not nearly as much as this red haired brat. It figures I get stuck with the only one who doesn't bother with fighting. No, instead she's begging for food. The female version of Goku. "Don't you have dolls at home you should be playing with?"

"But I like playing with you more!"

"Great." I glare at her and pull out my cigarettes and lighter. Doing what I can I look up and watch the fight. Though I wouldn't really call it that. Hakkai and Yaone aren't really trying because they're too polite with each other to do so. Pathetic. Gojyo and Dokugakuji are just fucking with each other like typical brothers would. But I'm stuck babysitting like always so I'm not that far from pathetic either.

"What's my brother and monkey boy doing? Aren't they going to fight?" At her question I turn my head to the far left where they stand facing each other talking. Talking? That's new. I take a closer look and see Goku's cape a few feet from him. What's going on? I stand to get a better look and soon notice that the others have also stopped to watch. Goku, what has gotten in to you? This isn't normal even for you. Damn you're too much trouble.

Goku's POV

My nerves scream in ecstasy as my fist collides with his face and he flies back sending dust into the air. This is the craving I've been itching for, a monstrous disease that's taken over my humanity and drilled me with the rage to kill. I have no more reason; I fight for no one or the ideal of becoming stronger. It's not about getting better and living dreams anymore. I have nothing to lose.

Blood stained eyes blink wide at me. So now he really gets it, I'm not here to play. No more games. This is where I would make my smart-assed comment and smirk but I can't seem to pull any such thing from within me. My hands shaking …I need to strike, I have to pound this twisted sensation away, pound it into his body until there isn't anything left.

Here he comes, rage burning in his eyes but it will do him no good. He screams with his fist pulled back ready to strike me but he doesn't get it. I'm waiting and he comes like a mindless sheep unaware of his demise. He's blinded by feeling just like me, and it will get him nowhere…just like me. A breath of air passes by my cheek as I dodge his fist, duck and plummet my own punch into his unguarded gut. His body goes limp with pain and the shock of having all the air knocked out of him causes him to fall limp leaning on my shoulder. "Fool, I told you this is it." I whispered only loud enough for us to hear.

"Wha…what hap...pened to you? This strength?" He wheezed in my ear.

"No reason to hold back anymore when there isn't anything to hold onto. You'd think that would make me weaker but it seems that when there is no fear then there is nothing holding you back. But it doesn't really matter because I'm going to kill you now."

Hakkai's POV

I watch as Goku moves as if his diadem were shattered to the winds. Goku what happened? The speed and the anger are only that of a sanguinary monster. Your strength sending Kougaiji's body to be tossed around as if it were nothing but a rag doll. Why is this Goku? Never have you ever intentionally acted like the killers you despise. I don't know what I should do. Should I stop you even though I know stepping in the middle of this rancid show of violence could get me hurt? Should I beg you to stop even when I know you won't listen? Or should I let you eliminate the enemy knowing that it will slowly kill you inside? But you wouldn't kill him, would you Goku?

"Lord Kougaiji!" I look over to Yaone as she struggles with her own choice to step into the line of fire or not. They wouldn't want us there, this is their choice and we stand in no position to stop them even as Kougaiji's at Goku's mercy hanging limp from his shoulder. But I doubt that theory will hold for long because we were never one's to follow such rules. I just hope Goku doesn't take it to the step I fear. Just what isn't it do you wish to destroy here?

I breathe a slight sigh of relief as I watch him push from away from Goku and jump back a few meters from his touch. No one has died yet so I just hope they work out their little anger fit and move on to the typical role of things. But I fear my hope is just that and things will not end as easily. I will step in if I have too. Even if it's to save Kougaiji from Goku.

Goku's POV

I give him no time to run as I jump after him. There isn't anywhere to go, he agreed to this and now he must pay for it.

I hate him.

A scream rips from his throat as my knee slams into his back; he never saw me coming.

I hate him.

Blood trickles down his chin splashing the dusty earth. This was too easy. This isn't how I wanted it. I need the pain too but I can't seem to stop.

I hate him.

I kick him over and drag him back to his feet holding him up by his neck. "Fight." I growl. "Hit me, do something." He doesn't answer me, just stares in silence. I hate that. Why does everyone ignore me? Why is it that they feel like I'm not worth the breath of one single word? My hands tighten and still he stares. I snap. "DAMN IT! MAKE ME BLEED! MAKE ME NUMB WITH PAIN YOU ASSHOLE!"

Nothing, he does nothing but look at me.

I hate him.

Piercing me with cold uncaring eyes, as if I'm not worth shit. I know those eyes. I know that look.

I love him.

Gojyo's POV

I'm frozen in shock as I watch Goku's smaller form hold Kougaiji's body above the cracked earth. I think he broke his spine. Shit. Is this what's been living inside you all this time Goku, this killer? To think I've been watching it manifest and grow hungry for blood and never really noticed. Can I save you Goku? Do I even want to try and keep you in a world where you're cold with out your sun? You've suffered so much and I don't know what's fair to you anymore. Life or death? You want to kill Goku? Or is it something else? You ask to bleed, to become numb. Maybe it's the other way around; maybe you're the one that wants to fall today.

"ANSWER ME!" He shouts shaking his body, I cringe watching his limbs flop around and his neck and head roll back. I hear Dokugakuji gasp from a few feet away. It's sick.

"DON'T YOU GET IT?! NOW'S THE TIME TO KILL ME! WHY WON'T YOU HIT BACK?!" He grows angrier as Kougaiji continues to remain silent. But instead of hitting him he slowly lowers him closer to the ground and I breath a sigh of relief. It's over now. I look over to Sanzo and see his eyes frozen on the scene before us. It seems everyone was too stunned to even know what to do.

"NOO!" My head snaps to Yaone and follow her line of sight only to see Kougaiji being tossed into the air and Goku jumping after him hitting him for all he's worth. Blood falls like rain. And the screams, I can't tell who's louder or who's in more pain. Kougaiji's muffled yells of pain and Goku's shrieking questions of 'Why?' raid my senses. Dokugakuji moves to stop the slaughter of his leader, his friend, but I can't let him be the one to get there first. So I run. I run with all that's left in me to reach that stupid monkey.

We tumble as I grab him from behind and skid to a stop only a few yards from Kougaiji's shredded body. "Goku! Stop it!"

"WHY? DAMN IT! MAKE IT STOP!" He kicks and screams forcing me to wrap my body around his in attempt to hold him still.

"You can't do this! You can't kill this way and I won't let you die this way either!"

"THERE ISN'T ANYTHING LEFT! WHY? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!" I'm sorry Goku I can't answer that for you, I can't fix it, I can't save you, I can't protect you and I can't make him love you.

"Goku, stop it, please. Not this way, never like this. You're better then this. Snap out of it damn it. It's me; Gojyo and I have you now. You have too much to live for; don't quit now. Please Goku." I felt his body start to slow as he struggled to bring air into is over worked lungs.

"I hate him! I hate him! What did I do that was so wrong?!" His voice cracked as his yells died down. I continued to whisper in his ear and let him know that he wasn't alone. But I know it won't help for long because I can never be enough for him to live, our friendship wouldn't be able to hold him together. He really is alone and there isn't anything I can do but try to keep him hanging on for as long as I can.

"You didn't do anything wrong Goku."

"Then why?"

"I don't know."

TBC

Wow…See? This is the shit that is birthed when one works 10-12 hour shifts and forces out a fic because they feel like they have to get something done. I apologize for its slaughter people. It seems I turned what could have been a good fic into one of those writings that make it to a certain point before it starts going down hill. But here's the good news; I haven't given up! A real idea will hit me one day and when it does I will rewrite this chapter and fix it's pathetic existence. Not only that it's another chapter that isn't really finished. There should be more Sanzo and Hakkai POVs but I'm just too fried to work on that now. Gomen once more.

One more thing, I hate Goku in this chapter. He comes off as a pain in the ass and pathetic. I can't tell if that's my whole point or if it's something else. Hmm…I think I'll work on fixing that too.