Well today is a little, well how can I put this....HOT!!! My brain is
almost to the mush stage, so I thought I'd better type this out before I
have no brain at all...
I had a big argument with a really good friend of mine yesterday. Therefore I dedicate this to her, and hope that she accepts my sincere apologies. We shouldn't fight over a stupid mistake.
WARNING - If this is total and complete nonsense (and if you're reading this story what else can you expect) then for god's sake tell me! Any suggestions, opinions, queries, anything, tell me. : )
PS - I beg mercy for the delay in posting.....(ducks as objects are thrown). Bad StarKate, bad!
Ok, lets get on with the fun!
***
- Snakes, Seltzers, and Stargates -
O'Neill finally managed to disentangle himself from the tent, after Carter's frenzied and coffee-induced attack. After several minutes of Carter growling menacingly as she clawed at his clothing, he decided on a strategy. The only way to stop the wayward Major, he found, was to pin her to the ground. She did not appreciate this, groaning as her head bumped the ground. Unfortunately, the colonel only realised after pinning her, just where exactly his hands were.
Pulling away like he had been burnt, he proceeded to blush, and muttered an apology. Carter, paying no attention whatsoever to his reaction, had curled into a ball, moaning and clutching her head.
"Oh my head....aspirin, seltzers, chocolate, anything!!" Forgetting in an instant her actions of only a few minutes ago, he rushed to his pack, and searched for anything that could help Carter. "Damn!" No chocolate left, she and Teal'c had cleaned him out the day before.
Digging deeper, he found his first-aid kit. Unzipping the small case, he fingered through the contents. "Aha!" Well they weren't aspirin, but seltzers would have to do.
Grabbing his water canteen, he walked back over to where Carter lay, passing Teal'c comforting a distraught Daniel, who was clutching the empty coffee container. "Why did it have to be my Nescafè?? Why not the tea, or the hot chocolate?? Then my poor coffee could have been spared this, this," - at this point sobbing into Teal'c's shoulder, as the Jaffa awkwardly pats his back - "monstrous fate!"
The colonel shook his head, smiling bemusedly, as he paced across the camp.
Carter lay next to the collapsed tent, moaning softly. He gently helped her sit up, supporting her back as he offered her the canteen and several seltzer tablets.
After taking several huge gulps of water to cover the taste of the tablets, Carter glanced up at her CO. "Uh sir...sorry about the whole er...attacking you thing." She blushed slightly. "Nothing I can't handle Carter." He gave her his trademark O'Neill smile, and she responded with a smile of her own. This smile didn't last long, however, as the headache intensified. She groaned, before muttering through clenched teeth, "Sir, SGC, infirmary, please." The colonel's brow knitted. "Carter, the headache'll pass. Just give it a little time. But we can't get you back to base, the DHD's broken, remember?" He got a moan as response. "Carter, the sooner it's fixed, the sooner we can get you out of here." This time he got a moan and a nod. Taking that as an affirmative to the Major being willing to fix the DHD, O'Neill crouched beside her, put a hand under her knees, and one around her back, and lifted her.
Turning slightly to face the stoic Jaffa and the distraught doctor, O'Neill called out, "Hey, T. Me and Carter are gonna go take a look at the DHD. Keep an eye on Danny for me will ya?" Teal'c nodded, as he stuck a hand into his jacket. A several moments of searching, he triumphantly produced a sky blue tablecloth-sized hankerchief decorated with bright orange polkadots. This he handed to Jackson.
Blinking rapidly to get rid of the neon orange spots dancing in front of his eyes, O'Neill set off out of the camp.
***
The colonel and his somewhat under-the-weather major had been wandering through the forest for some time. Unfortunately for the colonel, however chivalrous and dashing carrying Carter to the Gate may have seemed at the time, reality was slightly less picturesque...
"D'oh!" "What sir?" "Low tree branch."
2 minutes later...
"Ah crap!" "Sir?" "Thorns, lots and lots of thorns..."
Scarcely 30 seconds later...
"Oopsie daisy..." "Sir?" "Just a log, hit my toe." "Ok sir. Wait a second...did you just say oopsie daisy?!" "Er...no...the seltzers have gone straight to your head...yeah, that's it..."
And around 4 minutes later...
"Son of a...." "Uh, sir?" "Lousy trees, dropping pinecones!"
And the piece te resistance...
"Um sir..." "Wait a second Carter, I'm trying to get past this shrub." "Sir?" "Almost past it...gotta watch those thorns." "Sir, this is important," "Watch your head on that tree Carter." "Sir!!" "WHAT Carter!?" "I think I'm gonna be-"
He never did find out the end of that sentence...
10 minutes later, after cleaning Carter up, and doing his best to get all the vomit bits out of his boots and off his shirt, O'Neill finally straightened up, and scanned their surroundings. They were in a small clearing. The alluring flowers were dotted around the space, and small shrubs and saplings stood around the edges.
Checking his watch, the colonel nodded to himself. Turning to his now slightly green-tinged Major, he gestured in the gate's direction.
"We have about a k more to walk that way." Carter nodded, and slowly got up off the ground.
"I'll walk if you want a rest Sir," she spoke up.
In truth however, she didn't mind being carried by him, if you discounted the branches hitting her head, the terrible jokes and the colourful explitives. Ok, so the jokes weren't that bad, and being that close to him, well, normally there wasn't an excuse for it, and he smelt so good... Actually, he had smelt so good. The incident with the vomit had made his jacket smell quite a bit, but not exactly the type of smell she was looking for...
O'Neill's brows knitted in concern. "You sure you're right to walk?"
She nodded, then deciding that that was not so intelligent, replied, "Yes Sir."
Jack checked her over, and finding nothing seriously wrong, let her walk. Yet he always stayed close enough to lend her some support if she needed it. *Any excuse to wrap your arm around that waist and look into her eyes, O'Neill,* he mentally berated himself. Lost in a moment of fantasy, he didn't happen to see the tree he was walking straight at...
"Sir, watch out!" Too late.
"Ugh, my dose....Carder, pass bee da backpack, I deed tissues..."
***
20 minutes later, the colonel's bleeding had almost stopped, but Sam suspected it was broken. She had taped tissues around it as a precaution, as well as bracing the bridge of O'Neill's nose. With the pink medical tissues, soaked in blood, taped to him, the colonel closely resembled Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Carter wisely didn't tell him this. However, she did happen to 'accidently' take several pictures of him with her camera, when he wasn't watching of course. Guess what Janet was getting on the front of her christmas card this year... Carter grinned evilly to herself.
"Uh, sir, are you all right to walk?" "I'b fine. You're da sick one here." The colonel got to his feet and pulled on the backpack. "Cob on Carder."
The two continued on to the DHD, Jack nursing his nose, Carter handling her hangover.
***
Half an hour later they finally reached the 'Gate. Sam wandered over to the DHD, and began examining the damage from the suspected staff blast.
Jack, getting bored of watching his 2IC marvelling over the wonders of a bunch of wires, took a walk around the clearing the Stargate was in. With the enormous amount of Kleenex attached to his face, he failed to notce the large rock in front of him... "Woahhh......Ugh crab!" ...and landed in an enormous patch of those wonderous and alluring flowers.
Cursing that 'damn waste ob sbace' flora, O'Neill gingerly checked for broken bones. Finding nothing injured but his pride, he tried to get to his feet. Suddenly, he sank back down among the flowers. How could he be angry at these? They smelt so damn good... Picking a small amount and bunching them into a bouquet, he got up and hurried back to the major, who had her hands in the DHD, fixing circuits. "I'll be done in a couple of hours sir, there's not too much damage," she glanced up, and did a double-take.
O'Neill stood over her, holding out a hand. Helping her up, he proceeded to bow, then present the flowers to her. Carter felt suddenly light-headed. "Ooh, for me?" she giggled slightly and accepted them. "Yeah sure ya betcha," the colonel handed them over before waggling his eyebrows suggestively over the tissues. "That is so swee-eeeee!!" Sam had unfortunately left her shoelaces untied. She grabbed Jack's arm to steady herself, but ended up pushing him over, landing in a very compromising position.
"Well, uh, sir....hey, that tickles!" she giggled. Jack removed his head from Carter's stomach where it had landed. "I said, 'Well this ish interesting,', and what habe I told you about giggling!" This caused more. O'Neill sat up. "Can I helb you wiff your boobs? Uh...I mean boods, yeah boods..." he gestured to her laces. "Well, sir," Sam sat up and batted her eyelashes at him. "This vest is awfully tight...maybe you can help me with that too," Big blue eyes....
Without thinking, he leaned forward and proceeded to kiss the major. Stopping for breath, he waited for the slap from his 2IC, but was shocked when she grabbed him by the collar and began doing some kissing of her own. Not that he was complaining.
But just as they paused for breath, the 'Gate engaged.
Cursing every god and false god he could think of, O'Neill scrambled to his feet, and tried to neaten his clothes, folowed by a rather dishevelled Carter.
As she pulled some of the pretty flowers from her hair, a figure emerged from the event horizon.
"Oh my lord, what an adorable planet! My little jaffa will simply love the dècor!"
The goa'uld stepped away from the Stargate as a dozen Jaffa exited, all carrying the mark of.....
The goa'uld pulled his purple and leopard print cloak along behind him, making sure his fluorescent pink alligator skin boots didn't get dirty. As he adjusted his neon green cow-print cowboy hat, both Jack and Sam gasped.
"Urghhhh!! Abobphish!!" "Arghhhh!! Fake fur!!"
***
Well the supreme man of evil is back in action, and now has a taste for leopard print... Tune in next time for more weird and wacky events! Please R & R; comments, suggestions, fashion tips.... StarKate.
I had a big argument with a really good friend of mine yesterday. Therefore I dedicate this to her, and hope that she accepts my sincere apologies. We shouldn't fight over a stupid mistake.
WARNING - If this is total and complete nonsense (and if you're reading this story what else can you expect) then for god's sake tell me! Any suggestions, opinions, queries, anything, tell me. : )
PS - I beg mercy for the delay in posting.....(ducks as objects are thrown). Bad StarKate, bad!
Ok, lets get on with the fun!
***
- Snakes, Seltzers, and Stargates -
O'Neill finally managed to disentangle himself from the tent, after Carter's frenzied and coffee-induced attack. After several minutes of Carter growling menacingly as she clawed at his clothing, he decided on a strategy. The only way to stop the wayward Major, he found, was to pin her to the ground. She did not appreciate this, groaning as her head bumped the ground. Unfortunately, the colonel only realised after pinning her, just where exactly his hands were.
Pulling away like he had been burnt, he proceeded to blush, and muttered an apology. Carter, paying no attention whatsoever to his reaction, had curled into a ball, moaning and clutching her head.
"Oh my head....aspirin, seltzers, chocolate, anything!!" Forgetting in an instant her actions of only a few minutes ago, he rushed to his pack, and searched for anything that could help Carter. "Damn!" No chocolate left, she and Teal'c had cleaned him out the day before.
Digging deeper, he found his first-aid kit. Unzipping the small case, he fingered through the contents. "Aha!" Well they weren't aspirin, but seltzers would have to do.
Grabbing his water canteen, he walked back over to where Carter lay, passing Teal'c comforting a distraught Daniel, who was clutching the empty coffee container. "Why did it have to be my Nescafè?? Why not the tea, or the hot chocolate?? Then my poor coffee could have been spared this, this," - at this point sobbing into Teal'c's shoulder, as the Jaffa awkwardly pats his back - "monstrous fate!"
The colonel shook his head, smiling bemusedly, as he paced across the camp.
Carter lay next to the collapsed tent, moaning softly. He gently helped her sit up, supporting her back as he offered her the canteen and several seltzer tablets.
After taking several huge gulps of water to cover the taste of the tablets, Carter glanced up at her CO. "Uh sir...sorry about the whole er...attacking you thing." She blushed slightly. "Nothing I can't handle Carter." He gave her his trademark O'Neill smile, and she responded with a smile of her own. This smile didn't last long, however, as the headache intensified. She groaned, before muttering through clenched teeth, "Sir, SGC, infirmary, please." The colonel's brow knitted. "Carter, the headache'll pass. Just give it a little time. But we can't get you back to base, the DHD's broken, remember?" He got a moan as response. "Carter, the sooner it's fixed, the sooner we can get you out of here." This time he got a moan and a nod. Taking that as an affirmative to the Major being willing to fix the DHD, O'Neill crouched beside her, put a hand under her knees, and one around her back, and lifted her.
Turning slightly to face the stoic Jaffa and the distraught doctor, O'Neill called out, "Hey, T. Me and Carter are gonna go take a look at the DHD. Keep an eye on Danny for me will ya?" Teal'c nodded, as he stuck a hand into his jacket. A several moments of searching, he triumphantly produced a sky blue tablecloth-sized hankerchief decorated with bright orange polkadots. This he handed to Jackson.
Blinking rapidly to get rid of the neon orange spots dancing in front of his eyes, O'Neill set off out of the camp.
***
The colonel and his somewhat under-the-weather major had been wandering through the forest for some time. Unfortunately for the colonel, however chivalrous and dashing carrying Carter to the Gate may have seemed at the time, reality was slightly less picturesque...
"D'oh!" "What sir?" "Low tree branch."
2 minutes later...
"Ah crap!" "Sir?" "Thorns, lots and lots of thorns..."
Scarcely 30 seconds later...
"Oopsie daisy..." "Sir?" "Just a log, hit my toe." "Ok sir. Wait a second...did you just say oopsie daisy?!" "Er...no...the seltzers have gone straight to your head...yeah, that's it..."
And around 4 minutes later...
"Son of a...." "Uh, sir?" "Lousy trees, dropping pinecones!"
And the piece te resistance...
"Um sir..." "Wait a second Carter, I'm trying to get past this shrub." "Sir?" "Almost past it...gotta watch those thorns." "Sir, this is important," "Watch your head on that tree Carter." "Sir!!" "WHAT Carter!?" "I think I'm gonna be-"
He never did find out the end of that sentence...
10 minutes later, after cleaning Carter up, and doing his best to get all the vomit bits out of his boots and off his shirt, O'Neill finally straightened up, and scanned their surroundings. They were in a small clearing. The alluring flowers were dotted around the space, and small shrubs and saplings stood around the edges.
Checking his watch, the colonel nodded to himself. Turning to his now slightly green-tinged Major, he gestured in the gate's direction.
"We have about a k more to walk that way." Carter nodded, and slowly got up off the ground.
"I'll walk if you want a rest Sir," she spoke up.
In truth however, she didn't mind being carried by him, if you discounted the branches hitting her head, the terrible jokes and the colourful explitives. Ok, so the jokes weren't that bad, and being that close to him, well, normally there wasn't an excuse for it, and he smelt so good... Actually, he had smelt so good. The incident with the vomit had made his jacket smell quite a bit, but not exactly the type of smell she was looking for...
O'Neill's brows knitted in concern. "You sure you're right to walk?"
She nodded, then deciding that that was not so intelligent, replied, "Yes Sir."
Jack checked her over, and finding nothing seriously wrong, let her walk. Yet he always stayed close enough to lend her some support if she needed it. *Any excuse to wrap your arm around that waist and look into her eyes, O'Neill,* he mentally berated himself. Lost in a moment of fantasy, he didn't happen to see the tree he was walking straight at...
"Sir, watch out!" Too late.
"Ugh, my dose....Carder, pass bee da backpack, I deed tissues..."
***
20 minutes later, the colonel's bleeding had almost stopped, but Sam suspected it was broken. She had taped tissues around it as a precaution, as well as bracing the bridge of O'Neill's nose. With the pink medical tissues, soaked in blood, taped to him, the colonel closely resembled Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Carter wisely didn't tell him this. However, she did happen to 'accidently' take several pictures of him with her camera, when he wasn't watching of course. Guess what Janet was getting on the front of her christmas card this year... Carter grinned evilly to herself.
"Uh, sir, are you all right to walk?" "I'b fine. You're da sick one here." The colonel got to his feet and pulled on the backpack. "Cob on Carder."
The two continued on to the DHD, Jack nursing his nose, Carter handling her hangover.
***
Half an hour later they finally reached the 'Gate. Sam wandered over to the DHD, and began examining the damage from the suspected staff blast.
Jack, getting bored of watching his 2IC marvelling over the wonders of a bunch of wires, took a walk around the clearing the Stargate was in. With the enormous amount of Kleenex attached to his face, he failed to notce the large rock in front of him... "Woahhh......Ugh crab!" ...and landed in an enormous patch of those wonderous and alluring flowers.
Cursing that 'damn waste ob sbace' flora, O'Neill gingerly checked for broken bones. Finding nothing injured but his pride, he tried to get to his feet. Suddenly, he sank back down among the flowers. How could he be angry at these? They smelt so damn good... Picking a small amount and bunching them into a bouquet, he got up and hurried back to the major, who had her hands in the DHD, fixing circuits. "I'll be done in a couple of hours sir, there's not too much damage," she glanced up, and did a double-take.
O'Neill stood over her, holding out a hand. Helping her up, he proceeded to bow, then present the flowers to her. Carter felt suddenly light-headed. "Ooh, for me?" she giggled slightly and accepted them. "Yeah sure ya betcha," the colonel handed them over before waggling his eyebrows suggestively over the tissues. "That is so swee-eeeee!!" Sam had unfortunately left her shoelaces untied. She grabbed Jack's arm to steady herself, but ended up pushing him over, landing in a very compromising position.
"Well, uh, sir....hey, that tickles!" she giggled. Jack removed his head from Carter's stomach where it had landed. "I said, 'Well this ish interesting,', and what habe I told you about giggling!" This caused more. O'Neill sat up. "Can I helb you wiff your boobs? Uh...I mean boods, yeah boods..." he gestured to her laces. "Well, sir," Sam sat up and batted her eyelashes at him. "This vest is awfully tight...maybe you can help me with that too," Big blue eyes....
Without thinking, he leaned forward and proceeded to kiss the major. Stopping for breath, he waited for the slap from his 2IC, but was shocked when she grabbed him by the collar and began doing some kissing of her own. Not that he was complaining.
But just as they paused for breath, the 'Gate engaged.
Cursing every god and false god he could think of, O'Neill scrambled to his feet, and tried to neaten his clothes, folowed by a rather dishevelled Carter.
As she pulled some of the pretty flowers from her hair, a figure emerged from the event horizon.
"Oh my lord, what an adorable planet! My little jaffa will simply love the dècor!"
The goa'uld stepped away from the Stargate as a dozen Jaffa exited, all carrying the mark of.....
The goa'uld pulled his purple and leopard print cloak along behind him, making sure his fluorescent pink alligator skin boots didn't get dirty. As he adjusted his neon green cow-print cowboy hat, both Jack and Sam gasped.
"Urghhhh!! Abobphish!!" "Arghhhh!! Fake fur!!"
***
Well the supreme man of evil is back in action, and now has a taste for leopard print... Tune in next time for more weird and wacky events! Please R & R; comments, suggestions, fashion tips.... StarKate.