Well after a break that was waaaay too long, and very frustrating for all of you recruited lunatics out there, the Supreme Queen of Madness is back with another instalment of Offworld Antics!!
You all have full right to complain about the amount of time it took to update, curse me, set voodoo dolls in my image, send me flames, and do what you will, but I thought I owed you and end to this story (but this isn't it). Maybe 2 or 3 more chapters.
I haven't been into for about 8 months, and just hadn't been motivated to write. My muse had taken a holiday, and was refusing to come back dammit! But that's all my fault, and I can only say sorry, many many times.
And I promise to never leave an update for that long ever again, or you all have permission to set Janet on me; pancake-rabbit version….
Big thankyou to a review that appeared in my Inbox from LiRA, and gave me a reminder that I owed a lot of people an update. So here is!
Well where we left our tale last time, our fearless heroes had been looking forward to heading back home for some well-earned hangover cures, when the mother of all fashion disasters happened to appear. The master of ultimate evilness, ABOBPHISH!!! …Er herm… little outta practice here…APOPHIS!!!
And I wonder why people say I use too many Jack-O'Neill-isms.
Without further ado, back to the story…
Offworld Antics Chapter 7
- Hamsters, Hard-Hats, and Hindsight -
As the All-Powerful Apophis tapped his leather-clad boots impatiently, hands on hips, his Jaffa assembled themselves into what resembled a guard of honour.
Sam and Jack blinked rapidly, looked at one another, blinked again, and looked back. There was something very wrong with this scene… They stared with horror at the shocking and all-round unnatural sight that faced them.
The huge, burly, 6-foot something Jaffa were dressed in Playboy-bunny style outfits, complete with fishnet tights, bowtie, bob-tails, ears, and the finishing touches, sequined clip-on earrings. Think Arnie meets Bridget Jones .
O'Neill backed away, dropping the coloured flowers to the ground, and casting a horrified look at the pink leotards that could not completely conceal liberal amounts of chest-hair.
"Its de fillage people all ober again!"
Turning to his 2IC, who was staring avidly at the scantily clad Jaffa, he cleared his throat noisily. "Erm herm herm. Carder, we deed to wifdraw to a safer position. Carder... Carder, are you listening to bee?"
Sam finally snapped out of her trance long enough to whine, "But I'm waiting for the one who wears the hard hat, and short shorts…"
"But we deed to run!"
Sam sat down, crossed her legs, and stuck her bottom lip out. "I want the hard-hat and short shorts."
"But, but…"
Her lower lip began to tremble dangerously, her face scrunched up.
"Ah crab…" Jack covered his ears with his hands.
Too late…
"I want short shorts!!!"
Carter's eyes welled with tears.
Still suffering the after-effects of the flora, O'Neill straightened his back, puffed out his chest and chin, and put his fist to his heart. Patriotic music, flag flapping in the breeze.
"If you really wand shord shords Carder, for the goob of da mission, Earf and the Uniberse, I will sacrifice myselv for you."
Carter's face lit up with glee.
"But right now, we hab to get back to camp, abd warn Danny, and Deelk."
Jack took a glance back at Apophis, who was inspecting his Jaffa, occasionally smacking one on the behind with a lilac riding crop, and muttered, "And maybe deh fashion police, while we're ad id…"
After 20 minutes of walking through the forest back to camp, all the flowers had been removed from both the colonel and major.
As their headaches lessened, an awkward silence settled, as they both remembered the events in the clearing before the arrival of the Goa'uld striptease.
As O'Neill took the lead, pushing his way through the bushes, Sam trailed behind him, internally kicking herself.
God, what were you thinking? Yeah, blame the flowers for it all, but they weren't what made you kiss him! The major's expression darkened.
What kind of insanity makes you say, "This vest is awfully tight...maybe you can help me with that too"!? What's next?
"Ooh, Colonel, can you help me with my nasty, heavy pack, and flex your big, strong muscles for me?"?!
"Who wears camouflage any more? I'll just jazz this tired old uniform up with a pair of Gucci stilettos and a Prada flower print skirt. Perfect for all occasions!"??
"Sir, can you show me all your bright shiny badges so I can gasp at you manliness and blink my big blue eyes at you?"??
"Oh, I won't open up this heavy, and like so last-fashion-year décor DHD, I might break a nail!"!?!
"Jackey-poo, it's awfully hot in this uniform, would you mind taking it off for me?"!?!?
What happened to feminism? What happened to Sam Carter, capable USAF officer?? How many years have you worked to get respect from all the macho military males, and then you blow it by making out with your superior officer! How long have you worked to get respect from him!?
Her mind wandered back to when they first met. Jack O'Neill had been less than happy at the appointment of a tomboy scientist Captain to his team. He was also very sceptical regarding her ability. She had retaliated with as much insubordination as she dared, stating with pride her hours clocked during the first Gulf War, and stating she thought she was worthy of her position at the SGC. This had rendered him speechless for a moment.
And so their tenuous working relationship began.
Sam paused for a moment. Did he ever respect you? Now you've probably just confirmed to him that you're just another ditzy airhead blonde, with a flair for astrophysics! No self-control, no restraint, that's what he thinks of you!
Sam felt a tightening in her chest. How much teamwork, mutual respect, friendship, had she ruined? But hopefully he wouldn't work out what had really motivated her to kiss him. She couldn't even think about what had made her do that. No one could know what she hid inside, especially him.
A Day Unlike Any Other
It had happened about two months before the Zatarc incident. She had a fortnight's leave due, and was taking it at the end of the week.
Sam had been talking to one of the infirmary nurses during a pre-mission medical. They had got onto the subject of her leave, and she had mentioned that she would be going to stay with her brother, Mark, and his family, for a week.
Just as she was talking about her nephew and niece, Colonel O'Neill stormed into the infirmary, forcing the door into the wall. Hearing her conversation with the nurse, he curtly asked the woman to leave.
Left in the infirmary alone with Carter, the colonel had turned to her, and in a tightly controlled manner, asked her what she had been doing. She replied, confused, that she'd been having her medical for the mission scheduled later that day. He asked what she had been talking about, in that same mechanical fashion. A little annoyed, she said she had been discussing her brother's children with the nurse.
O'Neill's control slipped. No longer restraining himself, he began tearing strips off the major, eyes as cold and hard as steel. He fired questions at her shocked face without waiting for a reply.
Did she know that her gossiping had made her five minutes late for a briefing? Did she realize that she was here to get a job done? Did she see that by not staying focussed, she was failing as an officer? She had the lives of others in her hands on a daily basis, she needed to concentrate, she was letting them down!
She stood and took this barrage in a daze of disbelief. What had she done to get him this angry with her? What he was shouting about couldn't be the only cause.
Slowing momentarily, the Colonel regarded his 2IC, and reverted to that painfully controlled voice. Quietly, he said that if she could not longer do her duty, then she should stop playing at being an officer. If she wasn't fit for her job, that she shouldn't bother turning up to the mission that afternoon, he didn't want her in his team. It was her choice.
With that last flat sentence falling like lead between them, he strode out the infirmary door, slamming it shut behind him. The harsh noise reverberated off the walls, fading, until there was only silence.
That silence followed her as she walked to the briefing room. Personnel, who no doubt heard the shouting, avoided her eyes in the corridor.
The silence engulfed her as she sat through the briefing, automatically prepared her pack, went to the armoury, and joined the team in the gateroom. It never left through the three-hour mission.
But as she exited the Gate, put her gear away, and entered the women's locker room, it dissipated, leaving her with her own thoughts crying out. Telling her over and over what he had said.
The tears came then, one by one rolling down her cheeks, as she stood holding her locker door. Slowly she slid down the thin metal door, and sat on the floor, crying quietly in the darkness.
Janet had walked in the door. She had softly called out Sam's name, before spotting her on the ground. Without another word, the doctor walked over and wrapped her arms around Sam.
Janet told her that she had overheard her earlier conversation with Colonel O'Neill, and had thought she might have been upset. But then she asked the question. Quietly, Janet had said, "There's something more to why you're hurt, isn't there? Something between you and him?"
It had all come out. Her feelings for him, her guilt that she felt this way, the problems with the military and their team if anything happened, her fear that he felt the same way, and her stronger fear that maybe he didn't. The damage to their careers if she told him. Her anger and frustration at the Colonel, and her lack of understanding at why he was so angry with her.
They had stayed there together, talking, until no more tears would come.
The next day she discovered it had been Charlie's birthday.
Jack risked a glance back at his second-in-command. Her golden head was bowed, eyes averted.
Obviously not in the mood to talk, he thought sarcastically. Dammit, O'Neill, what have you done?!
He hit out at an unsuspecting bush that was in his way, before pulling away his hand quickly, whimpering in pain. Thorns, lots of thorns…
Then again he deserved it. The pain, the silence from her. After his actions earlier, he deserved a court martial.
He'd come so close to ruining her career. Hell, he'd risked their team. The feeling of a family, of safety within SG1, the freedom and respect between them all and especially between him and Carter, was that over?
Another innocent bush got sideswiped. No!
It rebounded in his face. He took another look at the pathetic, spindly excuse for flora, glared at it and moved on.
These things reminded him strongly of Harry Maybourne; they were sharp, sneaky, losing their foliage on top, and would come back to hit you when you were least expecting it.
The colonel returned to his depressing train of thought. The team was all that had kept him going in the past few years. It had given him back confidence in himself and the human race. I'm not losing that again.
But what he didn't want to admit was that given the choice, he would have done the same damn thing again. The flowers were just an excuse to act upon feelings that he'd denied and suppressed.
O'Neill knew that she wouldn't report what had happened. She was loyal to her team. But he wondered how she felt about what had happened.
Probably thinks you're like all the other military jerks she's come across, Jack's mind taunted. The ones who think women should be at home watching Jerry Springer and Days of Our Lives, and darning socks.
His stomach turned over. He had to know what she thought.
Only one way to find out…
He took a swing at a low branch for good measure.
Sam observed her commanding officer beating up the local flora. In the last few minutes' reflection, she had realized that she needed to know just what the hell was going through his head, and whether he actually thought of her as an officer, not just as a blonde bimbo.
Get your courage together Carter, she breathed in, and opened her mouth to speak.
At that exact moment the colonel stopped, and turned.
Not quite meeting each other's eyes, they both started speaking rapidly in unison.
"Colonel I just want you to-"
"Carder, I deed do say sumbthing-"
They both smiled, before the awkward mood set in again.
Clearing her throat, Sam gestured at his face. "Um, Sir, do you want me to take that off?"
He nodded fervently. "Ugh Gob yesh! I can'd sbeak like dish."
She closed the gap between them, and gently began removing the blood-soaked tissues and medical tape.
He winced a few times as the tape pulled at his already bruised and battered nose, but had his hands batted away when he tried to help. As the last of the tissues came off, Carter hid a grin.
"Sir, you're going to have two spectacular black eyes. But you might need to think of a story to explain them, instead of telling everyone you ran into a tree…" At this point she started giggling.
"Maybe I can say that I broke it to Teal'c that Barbara Streisand and the Tellitubbies won't ever rule the Universe together…" O'Neill mused aloud, causing more giggles.
"Or maybe that I insulted his Elton John tribute outfit, you know the one he wore to the last base Christmas party?" By now Carter was laughing uncontrollably.
"Ah, no," Jack waved a finger at her, "No giggling allowed Carter!"
She managed a "Yes, sir," before composing herself, and suggesting that they continue back to the camp.
He nodded, but as she came past him, he caught her arm and held it.
"About earlier-" She went to interrupt. "Hear me out Carter. Please."
Sam nodded.
"I know that flower was what made us act strange, but I still want you to know that I'm sorry about what happened. Are we still ok?" The last sentence was almost whispered, as if he were afraid of the answer.
Carter nodded again. "I'm sorry too. None of this has to leave the planet Colonel."
He smiled slightly. "Our little secret?"
"Yes sir. But," Sam hesitated. "Sir, I need to ask you a question. Do you respect my ability as an officer?"
His face clouded with disbelief, followed by understanding. Staring straight into her eyes, he spoke briefly, and honestly. "Carter, I have respected you for as long as I've known you. As an officer, and as a person. You are one of the only people I trust completely, and I wouldn't lose you on my team for anything. That's best answer I can give you."
Carter's eyes lifted, and filled with a warmth and light he hadn't seen for too long.
"Thank you. I feel the same about you Sir." Her tone changed slightly. "So you don't think I'm…oh, I don't know…a bimbo…?" She gave him a worried look.
"Oh come on Carter, anyone who can do whatever you do with those computers and device-thingys…" he waved a descriptive hand, "Can't be a bimbo! You're the smartest person I know! Maybe even too smart…" He raised a Teal'c-like eyebrow.
"We'd better get back to camp sir." Sam smiled, before setting off through the trees. O'Neill followed.
"Oh, and sir? I'm going to hold you to that promise about the short-shorts."
"Crap, I thought you'd forgotten about that… Just as long as it's not in front of the marines! You know what they're like…"
"Sir, you shouldn't give me ideas."
"D'oh!"
Well there it is. I hope it's long enough for you all, and isn't too trashy. I've got this feeling it's not as good as the earlier stuff. As always ideas, suggestions, tips, hate mail etc, please feel free to hit the review button, and tell me.
Thankyou for your patience, and we'll be back soon for another edition of Offworld Antics!
StarKate