Disclaimer : I do not own Evangelion, blah, blah, blah. There all you copyright lawyers. Happy now?


Thoughts

"Speech"

Unintended Consequences 06: What is worth?

He floated in the darkness. It was not consciousness, nor was it death. How he knew, he did not know. Only that he knew. Time was a non-concept in the darkness. He existed, but beyond that, there was nothing else.

"cran…mge…..unko…!"

A voice, indistinct at first, but with an unmistakable tone of urgency. It was not the first one that had penetrated the darkness before. There had been others.

"ji! Ans….! Shinji…!

That was one of the other voices. But it was fading, disappearing like mist before sunlight. Without a sense of movement, he sank deeper into the darkness as it enfolded him.

You will do well

A voice that was not a voice. A statement of expectation. It was not like the other voices. Those had been filled with life. This one was a dusty whisper. Like an echo of a memory long since forgotten.

I'll do it

A new voice. But at the same time familiar. So very familiar. In the dark abyss of the void, he struggled, tried to remember. But the darkness pressed in. He tried to remember. Remember. What? What was he trying to remember?

I failed. It's my fault. I'm worthless. Nobody needs me. Nobody wants me.

The same voice. But with that voice came the first sensation he had known in that darkness. Pain. Struggling turned to writhing as a soundless howl emerged from lips he did not have. He had to get away. Away from that voice. Away from the pain. Instead, he found more pain. Fire lanced through what would have been his right eye had he held a physical form. It hurt no less.

Hush Shinji. Do not worry. I will not let you be harmed. I promise.

A different voice, tickling at the edge of a memory that would not come. Formless fingers held him, immensely powerful, yet gently cradling him as the soothing voice crooned a wordless lullaby to him. Awareness fled and the void consumed all.

A timeless, dreamless eternity passed. In that endless void, where nothing moved, not even himself. Then the silence was broken. The hollow tapping of footsteps on hard floor. As the footsteps grew louder, an image coalesced in the darkness, indistinct at first as it came closer, then gaining in clarity as it passed by him.

A tall man was faced away from him. Standing, no walking away from him, his footsteps echoing in the dark hallway. Leave. I do not need you.

He stretched out an arm, imploringly. "Please! Don't go! Don't leave-" he doubled over at the sudden pain that blossomed in his skull. Worthless boy. You are useless.

Shift

A girl clutched in his hands, her short azure hair framing a porcelain face, blood leaking from the bandage that covered her right eye. An unspoken promise to no longer run away. To find some worth in himself, even if it was to protect a single life.

Shift

The EVA unit, its head held up high by the Angel while its arms lay uselessly limp. The Angel's three fingered hand obscuring sight as its palm began to glow. With a sharp crack, the lance struck, and punched through the EVA's head, sending shockwaves of pain to him. But the thunderous crash of concrete and steel paled in comparison to the sound his mind heard. It sounded very much like a promise being broken. You are worthless.

Shift

The same blue haired girl again. Standing before him. A pool of blood spreading where she stood. That porcelain face, one which he had thought so fragile, was twisted into an accusing stare. The bandaged covering her eye fell away, revealing an empty darkness punctuated by a single red light. Her finger was raised, pointed at him. A promise you made that cannot be kept. You have no worth.

Shift

A stocky person stood before him, facing away from him, a long brown coat hiding his frame. The person turned. His face was a horrific collection of burns and blackened flesh. A hideous lipless smile of its bone white teeth was a frightening counterpoint to its charred face. "What's the matter Shinji?" It asked, voice rasping like rotting leather. "Don't you recognize me?" He fell backwards. "You should. BECAUSE YOU KILLED ME!!!"

Hands clutching his head, Shinji stared blankly at the black void, soft whispers leaving his throat. "No, no, I didn't kill you. I was, I was going to help-"

"ENOUGH OF YOUR FEEBLE EXCUSES! YOUR WORTHLESSNESS IS BEYOND COMPARE!!!"It lunged, cruel fingers reaching for his throat.

Eyes wide in mindless terror, he fled, his escape dogged by the accusing whispers that echoed endlessly.

Worthless boy. Your failures are everywhere. You cannot escape from us. We will find you. Wherever you hide.

He tripped, his body impacting hard on that infinite blackness. The voices were everywhere. Almost he could feel the fingers touching him, ripping him, stealing his very soul. He opened his mouth, screaming his damnation-

-in a room of plaster white atop a bed. He let loose a ragged sigh. "A dream". But how much was a dream? He was in a strange room, a hospital ward by all appearances, but in which city? Did he come to Tokyo-3? Did he really agree to fight a divine being? Did he actually go through it? It couldn't be. From the patches of his memory, the last thing he remembered was a searing pain in his eye and then…..blackness. If it really happened, he should be dead.

Involuntarily, he fingered his right eye, and released a breath he had been holding when he found it whole.

A dream. All of it. It had to be. He must have gotten into an accident somehow and his arrival in Tokyo-3 no more than a dream. Strange though. The dream had been so vivid, so, so real. He could remember everything so clearly. The wild, fear riddled drive through the highways, the blast of heat from that N2 mine detonation, the sense of wonder as the Geofront came into view, the leaden deadness in his heart when he saw his father, he grimaced at the memory, the warm sticky feel of that girls blood on his arms as he held her, the crack of bone as his wrist broke, another grimace. He flexed his wrist experimentally. It was whole.

Yes, that was it. Just a dream. But he had to find out why he was here. Lifting himself from the bed, he made his way outside, looking through the corridor windows at the unfamiliar cityscape. It wasn't a dream? Wandering the hospital, he found a waiting area, and in it, a TV tuned to the local news. Not a word of it mentioned Angel's, giant robots, the general destruction wrought in the city. Nothing at all. It was as if it had never happened. He was utterly confused now. How much of what had happened was real?

The answer came with the rattling of wheels behind him. Turning around, he saw the girl. That very same blue haired girl he saw both upon his arrival in Tokyo-3 and in the EVA hanger. Rei, it was her name he remembered now. For a brief moment, her one uncovered eye slid to his, the unblinking gaze only lasting for a moment before contact was broken, the bed rattling onwards. It was all real? It really happened? Absently, he watched her departure….and found he wished he hadn't.

His father had arrived.

Gendo promptly proceeded to ignore him, instead stopping the nurse so he could speak with Rei. It was only a few words, before he left, sparing no more than a cold glance at Shinji. Jealousy gained wings for one brief moment.

Why does he talk to her? Why won't he even say hello to me?

Do you really need him to acknowledge you?

Why did he leave me so long ago only to call me now?

You know why he called you. Because he needed you to pilot that machine.

Is that the only reason why I'm here? Because I'm useful? Am I really worthless otherwise?

What is worth? Is it worth in his eyes? Or your own?

He had no answers to that. He didn't have the time to think of one either.

"Such a cold man. Surely he can spare a warm word or two for his soul-weary son" absorbed in his own thoughts, Shinji had not noticed Misato's approach from behind.

He turned to face her. "Misato…."

The frown vanished, replaced instead with a light smile. "I came to pick you up."

What is wrong with this kid?? Misato was not having a pleasant week. First it was the repairs that she had to pay for her car, the insurance company certainly wouldn't believe her if she told the truth, then there was the ever-growing mountain of paperwork, mostly damage claims, that had been piling up ever since Shinji had been pulled from the entry plug.

And now this.

Normally, she could empathize with him. After all, if the rumors were to be true, Gendo had abandoned his son at a very vulnerable age only to call him as a pilot. Oh, she had tried to help, get him to open up a little. But snapping back like that? Telling her it wasn't any of her business? Well it wasn't really. After she tried to give him some encouragement? I'll fix that attitude of yours.

Fingers reached for her handphone. And I know just how to.

"Hold on! Captain Katsuragi! Don't you-" The line went dead. "Arrrgh!!"

Sighing, Ritsuko replaced the handset on her phone. Misato was at it again. AGAIN! If she had any less self control, she would be tearing her hair out in frustration. While Misato wasn't breaking regulations this time, moving the Third Child to her own residence was bending whatever rules there were into a child's puzzle box. And a sure sign that she was acting on her emotions again. What caused her to do that?

Oh, her home was secured by Section 2, like every other home of NERVs key personnel, so security issues weren't really that much of an issue. It was Misato herself that was the problem. Knowing her, she could only hope that the Third Child wouldn't be overly corrupted by that woman. Perhaps his psyche would be resistant to it. She hoped.

Still, if it wouldn't affect his performance, she supposed she could let it pass. For now, nothing was more important than ensuring that the project proceeded as scheduled. And if a certain alcohol addict wanted to move a pilot to her residence, the least she could do was ensure that it went smoothly.

I wonder if she's cleaned things up since her housewarming party.


"There, that should do it." The throbbing vein on her forehead was clearly visible. "Shall we get going?"

Shinji on the other hand, had turned a pasty white. Most boys his age would probably have jumped with joy at the prospect of living with someone like Misato Katsuragi, a rather lovely woman in her early 20s. But Shinji wasn't your average 14 year old just coming to grips with his hormones. He was a very shy 14 year old with little social interaction just coming to grips with his hormones. So he did the most natural thing possible. He protested, or at least he tried to. When he did not sputter, he squeaked. All in all, it was a valiant resistance despite the traitorous brain that had deserted his efforts.

It was strange.

It was improper.

It went against convention.

It couldn't be possible.

It wasn't going to happen

Misato only looked at him. "What part of 'commanding officer' don't you understand?"

Ok, maybe it was going to happen.

Paralyzed by her evil eye, Shinji found himself frog marched to Misato's car where he was treated to life on the fast track. Fast track meaning racing down Tokyo-3 roads at excess speeds of 120 km/h with complete disregard for signs, obstructions, traffic and people. It was a clear statement of Misato's impressive skill behind the wheel as not only did she manage to avoid hitting a single object, the needle on the speedometer never fell below a 100 km/h except when she pulled a 270 degree turn, sliding the car to a halt in front of a convenience store.

Which was why Shinji started kissing the ground once he managed to ooze out of the car.

"Oh come on Shinji, it wasn't that bad now was it?" Misato said as she exited the car. She didn't even have a single hair out of place and was completely oblivious to his accusing glare. "Why, I even went slowly since you've just recovered."

"Slowly?" Shinji managed to gasp out weakly. We nearly died and she says we went slowly????

"Now come along Shinji. We need to pick up some things first." She tapped him on the nose as he got to his feet. "It'll be for your welcoming party." Giving him a wink, she turned entered the store.

One moment angry, one moment insane and the next she's like this? He suppressed a sigh. And he was supposed to live with her. He only hoped it wouldn't be too bad. That line of thought however, led back to why he was in Tokyo-3 in the first place. And why he wasn't there any earlier. Because I'm useful. Not because he missed me. Because he needed a pilot. Not because he loved me. Because I'm worthless to him otherwise. Not even worth his attention. As his thoughts spiraled downwards, his mood became more and more dejected. It didn't go unnoticed by his self-appointed ward.

Half an hour and several heavily laden grocery bags later, Shinji found himself facing another death defying ride to a small viewing area overlooking an area of Tokyo-3. It wasn't much to look at really. Just a bunch of very large flat metal panels and a few short buildings. "Why did you bring me here Misato-san?

She gave him a knowing wink. "Just wait and see."

And so he waited. As the sun slid towards the horizon, its brilliant light fading into a golden glow, the wait was rewarded. Rising from the ground as armored panels slid away, skyscrapers gradually filled the skyline, looking for all the world like giants rising from their slumber. A sense of wonder washed away the depression that had formerly gripped his mind.

"This is Tokyo-3 Shinji." She waved her hand out, encompassing the city in its passage. "A city you saved. You should be proud of yourself." She said no more, allowing him to marvel as the city grew before his very eyes.

Rather than pride though, he felt a sense of hope. A hope for what he could not say. Only, the day didn't seem so bad after all.

You will do well.

Yes, perhaps, things wouldn't be as bad as he had feared. Perhaps he wasn't worthless after all. It was a small voice of hope. A tiny one. But it was better than the void that had been there before.

Getting used to living here is going to take quite some time. Mused Shinji as he began the simple task of unpacking his personal effects. Being given most of the household duties wasn't a problem for him. He had learned to keep after himself at an early age. Although he did think it a bit unfair to have been suddenly forced into it without any prior warning. Well, it's the least I can do to repay her kindness for taking me in… And while it was true the apartment was a mess, he could understand the general chaos as a result of just moving in.

Penpen on the other hand, was a complete surprise. You didn't expect to meet a penguin in someone's home everyday. Much less in the bath you're taking. And you don't flash your host either. His face turned crimson at the memory. Well it wasn't on purpose! I was too shocked to realize it! He thought furiously while battling the growing red tide that suffused his cheeks. It didn't do much good. The bare facts remained.

Giving up the battle as lost; he put away his clothes and flopped on the bed. His bed. His room. His home now. A home given to him by someone who was practically a stranger when all others had rejected him. She's a very nice person. I…….. sleep claimed him before the thought finished.

Kensuke, resident military otaku, self proclaimed hacker extraordinaire and all round busybody was hard as work as usual trying to hack into the NERV databases when his long time friend slouched into class. "Hey Touji. I heard your sister didn't get into the shelters yesterday. Is she ok?" He recoiled slightly at the murderous expression on his face.

Slamming his palms on the table, softly because the class rep was in earshot, he hissed. "She got hurt bad yesterday. She's in the hospital now! They won't even tell my how she got hurt!" he grunted sourly as he sat heavily on his chair. "Now she may never live normally... her legs were badly crushed. They don't know if they'll heal properly."

Kensuke placed a consoling hand on his friends shoulder. "Hey man. I'm sorry to hear that. She'll get better though. Mari's always been a tough girl you know. Ever since….." he trailed off, not wanting to follow that conversation through, and by the way Touji's eyes flashed, it was the wisest course. "Uhm…well, I can't help Mari get better, but I think I may know why she's like that-Hey! Calm down man!" Touji had jumped to his feet and was gripping Ken's shoulders.

"How did it happen? Tell me!"

"Well, I was checking the uhhh…and you see.."

"Tell me!!!"

"Ok, ok. I managed to copy some surveillance data from NERV and well….take a look." He pointed at the laptop on his desk. The image displayed on the screen was grainy and the lighting was poor, but it did show 2 titanic beings locked in a deadly dance of death. Well, a one sided dance of death the way the purple one was beating up the other. The battle culminated in a final detonation where the green being enfolded its opponent and exploded in a brilliant flash ending the video in static. "Isn't it cool? This must be that robot we've been hearing so much about that NERV is building."

Touji wasn't in the mood to think about whether the EVA's were cool or not. He was upset. Royally upset. And he wanted to beat something up. If I ever lay my hands on whoever piloted it…

In a way, the Tokyo-3 Municipal High School functioned much like an intelligence bureau in the sense that information on events that had certainly nothing to do with conventional education passed in its halls, sometimes even before their rightful handlers knew about it. The great student grapevine thrived on any information it could find, factual or fictional. Word of NERVs new weapon had the grapevine buzzing with speculation. What was that being the robot was fighting? Why were they fighting in the first place? Why here? How did they know they would need such a machine? Who was the pilot for it? Many speculations sprouted to answer those questions, but almost all of them agreed on one thing. The pilot was a child, somewhere just into the teens. And he or she would be studying in this school. Perhaps would even be coming today.

That was enough for Touji. He would bide his time. Wait for that detestable pilot to show up. And he would teach him that hurting his sister was a mistake. A big mistake.

The door opened.

END OF CHAPTER 06

A/N: Gomen. Gomen. Gomen. I'm really sorry for being so late with all of this. Its been hard finding the time and motivation to write ever since I finished number 05. Well, I finally got my act together so here it is. I hope you enjoy it. Ja Ne. See you next chapter.