Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, nor am I making money off of this sad attempt at humor. :P
A/N: One-shot humor fic I got the idea for on a whim. It was meant to be short, but got long as I got inspired, lol. Sorry! Reviews welcome, flames will be used to cook brownies…I'm starved. :)
HOW I WON THE WAR
Legolas nodded his thanks to the cute blonde Hobbit who refilled the seven tankards he had returned to her. He managed to arrange them all neatly in a cluster in his hands, so that they would not spill, on his way back to the table he was sharing with four Hobbits, a Dwarf, and a Wizard. When he got back, he set them all on the middle plank of the large wooden table, and everyone picked his own out of the collection. Even Samwise somehow managed to pick his own up, with his eyes on the rosy-cheeked female the Elf had just nodded to.
"As I was saying," continued Gimli, without missing a beat, "the second I saw those oliphaunts, I just knew I could easily bring one down."
Legolas laughed, a melodious sound that momentarily stopped all conversation in the pub, and turned all eyes to their table. "Nay, my friend, it was I who brought down the oliphaunt."
The Dwarf gave him a wary look. He knew the way the story was supposed to go, but he was trying to make himself look good in front of everyone else. They had all been busy elsewhere at that time. "Is that so? The way I remember it is…"
"As a matter of fact, I believe I was the one who so deftly leapt onto the trunk of the beast, and made my way swiftly up to the top of its head." Legolas looked smug.
Gimli glared at him. "Everyone knows Elves are fleet of foot. But a Dwarf, now…oh brother, we can…"
"And then I shot all the people I could, who were driving the creature on…and then I cut the rope that held their seats on, and they all fell off!" The Elf continued on as though Gimli had not spoken.
"Legolas," began Gandalf. "I think Gimli…"
"I vaguely remember cutting the oliphaunt in the leg, and then I remember it falling, and having to jump off rather quickly, before it fell on top of me and crushed me to death." Legolas was obviously beginning to get caught up in his adventures.
Gimli had closed his hands around his axe, with an angry look on his face, as though he were trying to decide whether to use it or not. Eventually, he sighed tiredly and let it go, deciding to let the Elf have his fun. "But that still only counts as one," he put in, grimacing at the glare he got from the fair Prince of Mirkwood.
The other patrons of the bar, who had gone silent as the Elf's wondrous laugh had rung through the air, were now beginning to show interest in the story. It was certainly more interesting than whose pumpkin was bigger this year, or whose dog bit the Thain on the bottom at the last big festival.
Frodo watched the crowds gather around the table. "Oh no," he said, softly, pinching the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb.
"Here we go, then," said Gimli, leaning back in his chair, as if settling in for a long evening's rest. "There'll be no stopping him now. That Elf has a mind for a good story."
Legolas had indeed begun to notice that he had new ears for his tale. "Oh, and do you remember the time at Helm's Deep," he continued smoothly, "when I was on top of the wall and needed to get down to where the real fighting was?"
"Yes, we remember," said Gimli, looking bored. "You picked up a shield…"
"Hey…who's telling this story?" Legolas gave him the evil eye for interrupting.
Gimli put up his hands as if to say "Sorry! You are!" and fell silent once more.
"ANYWAY." Legolas turned back to the other patrons of the pub, with an injured sniff. "I picked up a shield, and stood on it…then I slid down the broken rock, shooting at Orcs the whole time…"
Gandalf had an amused look on his face, as though he were watching children at play. Gimli had a resigned look on his face, but it was plain that he was still jealous of the attention the Elf was getting, for he kept gripping and loosening his hold on his axe. The other Hobbits were also listening intently, as they had not seen this happen, either.
Sam was taking great pleasure in hearing about how Legolas, alone, had confronted the Black Gates of Mordor, when he noticed something that made his face flare with jealousy and anger.
Rosie Cotton…HIS Rosie…was also listening enrapt to Legolas' story. She had her head tilted slightly to the side, and was wiping the same cup over and over, as the Elf wove his fantastic tales. A dreamy expression was on her face, and Sam became aware of how beautiful Legolas really was, with his long, flowing blonde mane and sparkling eyes and perfect skin. All the while Sam was husky, with dirty blonde curls and rough hands.
Damn that Elf, beggin' his pardon, thought Samwise Gamgee. I've never even seen her look at ME that way. There's just somethin' unnat'ral about that guy.
As Legolas moved on to the story of how he, himself, alone in Moria, had killed both the Cave Troll and the Balrog, Sam caught Gimli's eye over the table. The Dwarf looked at him questioningly for a moment, and Sam nodded, first at Legolas, and then in the direction of the pretty barmaid, who was still wearing an expression of pure rapture. "Let's get him." Sam mouthed at him. A light dawned on Gimli's face, and he nodded and winked slowly, amusement playing in his features.
"Excuse me a moment," Gimli interrupted Legolas. "I have to…take a moment outside. I'll be back."
"So do I," added Sam, wriggling a little, for good measure, as he got up from his seat.
Legolas waved them off and continued reciting his adventures. Gandalf shot them a look of warning, which of course, both ignored. Sam and Gimli slipped outside and went around to the back of the tavern, where Gandalf's horses were tethered to his wagon. Sam patted a large bulge on the back of the wagon, covered with rough canvas-like material. He pulled it up to let the Dwarf look at what was hidden beneath it.
"Fireworks?" Gimli chucked. "Well, by the Maiar, that Wizard does have some personality to him."
Sam giggled back. "You should have seen them at Mr. Bilbo's party. Merry and Pippin got into 'em and made a big dragon shoot out of one of these sticks here. Everybody screamed and ran off." Suddenly Sam was all business. "Now I was thinkin', if there's another one of them dragon sticks in here…"
Gimli had already thought of that too, and was reading the names on the sides of them. "Hmmm, let's see what we've got…Butterflies…Ents…Fairies…Naked Women…" Both of them looked at each other, pondering that last one. They grinned, but decided to behave…for now, anyway.
"Hey, here's one labeled 'Orc.'" Sam picked up a long brownish-grey one with a gnarled end and a short fuse. "What about this?"
"Nah," Gimli dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Too tame, they don't scare him anymore, after all the fighting." He rummaged a bit more. "How about this one? 'Ringwraith!'" He held up a tattered-looking black one with a sharp end and a long fuse.
"No!" cried Sam. "I couldn't do that to Mr. Frodo. His shoulder hurts him somethin' terrible when he hears them awful shrieks."
Gimli scratched his beard. "True. Well, I'm not finding anything good. Maybe we should just think of something else."
"Wait!" Sam grinned as he brought up the last one, a pink and purple striped one, with a heart-shaped end and a medium-sized fuse. "This one'll do…it's perfect!"
"Hah!" snorted Gimli. "What's that one? 'Gay Elf?'"
"Worse," replied Sam, his lips curling into an evil grin. "This one's called 'Fangirl.'"
The Dwarf's face suddenly took on a matching evil grin. "You're right. That is perfect."
MEANWHILE...
Back inside the Green Dragon, Legolas was in the middle of telling how he forced Gollum off of Frodo, so that the Ring-bearer could toss the One Ring into the fiery chasm of Mount Doom, when suddenly there came a fearsome noise, which sounded suspiciously like girls…swooning girls.
The Elf paused, his face suddenly drained of blood. "Oh no…oh, n-n-no, please no!"
The other patrons turned this way and that, as the screaming grew louder and more frantic, trying to discern what the noise was and where it could be coming from. Gandalf began to laugh heartily, knowing exactly what was going on. He spotted Sam and Gimli peeking in the window, watching Legolas' reaction, and wagged his staff at them in a reprimanding manner.
Legolas, meanwhile, wore a hunted expression as he watched the door of the pub. "Oh no! I must get out of here, quickly, before they get me!"
All surprised eyes were suddenly on him. Could this be the "brave" Elf who was wowing them with stories of his valor and great deeds only moments ago? Some of the Hobbit customers began to giggle and point.
Legolas paid them no heed, as he desperately looked for another way out of the tavern. He spied a back door, and tossing Merry and Pippin out of his way, he fled the establishment, screaming like a little girl.
By now, everyone in the tavern was guffawing at the sight of the once-courageous Prince of Mirkwood turning yellow at heart and fleeing from a few shouting girls. Eventually the sounds of shrieking and giggling died out, and Sam and Gimli re-entered the Green Dragon, whistling and looking around in mock-surprise.
"Why," began Sam, innocently, "where is Mr. Legolas?"
Gandalf looked at him sternly, getting to his feet. "He ran out the back way, Samwise Gamgee. He seemed to be afraid of something."
Gimli fought back a giggle and managed to keep an astounded look on his face. "Afraid? Our big, bad Elf? Why…afraid of what?"
"Screaming girls, apparently," put in a rather drunk Pippin. "I don't blame him a bit either. The ones who want your autograph are bad enough, but the ones who insist on touching the hair on your toes…yuck…they're the worst."
Gimli and Sam looked at each other and couldn't hold it inside any longer. They burst into fits of laughter. "Afraid of fangirls! And after he was SO brave at Helm's Deep too," chortled the Dwarf.
"Ho, ho! And don't forget how he took Mr. Frodo through them swamps, and fought off all the ghosts," chuckled Sam.
"Ooh, wait," sniggered Gimli. "How about how he confronted the Black Gates, AND took Frodo up to Mount Doom…at the same time!"
Sam and Gimli hung onto each other in helpless laughter. The others just looked at them, as it began to dawn on them that they had been responsible for the noises that had driven Legolas off. "You got into Gandalf's fireworks, didn't you?" asked Merry, with an amused expression.
"Guilty," replied Sam, still grinning.
Merry elbowed Pippin. "I remember seeing that one in there! It's all pink and purple, shaped like a heart on one end. We thought about setting that one off, but saw the dragon, and thought more people would be afraid of it." Pippin glared at Merry, mostly because he'd spilled his drink when the other Hobbit's elbow had jogged his own.
Sam sat back in his chair and winked at Rosie, who was shaking her head at him and smiling. "Gimli," he addressed the Dwarf merrily, "why don't we start over and tell them all what REALLY happened out there?"