Disclaimer; still not mine and err Draconis belongs to my Sister Mayhem (go read her stuff shoo!!)
Chapter 36
Harry still felt uncomfortable entering Sev's apartment from the dungeons unannounced and so knocked before entering. On seeing his father Harry smiled weakly
"Hi" he said, Severus attempted to smile but felt too nervous to put any conviction into it.
"Hi Harry shall we go sit down?" Harry shrugged and followed his father into the sitting room; he found that a bottle of wine and two glasses had been set on the table. Severus motioned for Harry to sit and then poured the wine and handed him a glass. Severus then too sat down. They sat there in an uncomfortable silence for several minutes sipping the wine until Harry finally gave in.
"What was it you wanted to talk about?" he said looking down into the glass. He heard Severus shift uneasily in his seat.
"Well I did want to shout at you for making me worry earlier but seeing how that worked out before I don't think I will" Harry didn't acknowledge the weak and attempt at humour but just nodded. Severus sighed and continued.
"Why did you attack Blaise?" Severus fixed Harry with a firm gaze attempting to detect a lie, Harry shrugged
"He said a bad thing"
"What did he say?" Harry muttered something that no human could understand, Severus tried again
"Pardon?"
"HesaidmeandRonwerelovers" Harry said very quickly, Severus rolled his eyes he wished he could tell Harry he overacted but given the circumstances. Severus reached for the wine to top up the glasses, as he moved Harry whimpered and flinched as though about to be struck. Severus looked at his son with pain and regret;
"Harry you know I would never hurt you don't you?" Harry offered another weak nod, but wasn't convincing. Severus moved over and lifted Harry's chin so he could see into his eyes, he saw that doubt that was there. He swallowed the fury that was threatening to surface, those bloody muggles, he couldn't believe what they had done to his son. He crouched down so he was eye level with Harry. He decided that if he was going to confront Harry, he might as well do it now;
"Harry, before dinner I had a visit from a certain insane co-worker she implied that you might want to tell me some things. I promise I will not get cross, please talk to me" Harry shakily rose his glass to his lips and emptied the contents. Before mustering his courage, he told Outkast he'd speak the truth and he didn't plan to lie but this was so damn hard. He took a deep breath
"What did I do wrong?" he blurted out, before he lost his nerve. Severus let his chin go but didn't move, he was confused
"Do wrong? Nothing, Harry what are you talking about?" Harry pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. As he spoke he couldn't make eye contact he just studied the fabric of his robes as if it was the answer to all questions.
"When mum and da…James died and I was taken to them, you didn't come and get me, I was just wondering what I did that wrong that you didn't want to see me. I just can't stop thinking that it must have been something really awful, or I was a bad kid. Was I bad?" He whispered the last bit shakily unsure if he wanted the answer, he throat was closing over making talking difficult. Severus felt himself being to shake, he remembered Harry when he was a baby and couldn't ever imagine anything that the beautiful boy could have done that was wrong. He was fighting the tears back but didn't take his gaze off his son
"No" he chocked out "No Harry, you weren't bad you were perfect in every way, you were so good that I swore that you were an angel" he reached to run his hand through his son's hair, but the moment he touched him Harry flinched. Severus held his arm still not knowing whether to ignore it or to pull away. Harry made his mind up for him when he realised he wasn't going to be hurt, he lent into the touch. Harry was now more confused if he wasn't bad then why was he left there? He voiced this thought to his father, who stopped stroking his head and pulled him into a full hug.
"I wasn't given much of a choice, at the end of the war I was arrested and had to wait for Albus to free me, by the time he did you were already with the Dursley's when I announced my intention to claim you I was informed that even if I did the ministry would take you from me and put you back again. They claimed that I was unfit as a parent and since James had formally adopted you and being marked by the Dark Lord I was told I would have no right to you" he held Harry tighter
"I am so sorry I didn't take you anyway but a certain old wizard assured me of your safety" Harry didn't respond still taking this all in. Severus gently rocked his son in his arms, he moved so he was next to him on the couch. Harry shook his head unbelieving
"You hate me" he whispered with conviction,
"I love you" Severus whispered into his son's hair, Harry still shook his head
"You don't, you wouldn't of… you couldn't do that to me if you did" silent tears ran down Harry's face as he remembered the agony of relieving that abuse in front of his friends. Severus on the other hand wasn't sure what Harry was talking about.
"Harry, Harry look at me, do what?" He hooked a finger under Harry's chin and bought Harry's eyes up to his own. Harry chewed on his bottom lip nervously.
"Legilimens" he whispered before trying to edge away, Severus caught hold of him, Harry inhaled sharply as Severus inadvertently brushed the fresh cuts. Harry hoped his father hadn't noticed. Severus had seen it, but decided to put that to the back for the moment.
"Harry, we, I needed to know what happened to you. I didn't mean to hurt you, I'd never hurt you, but when someone I… care for is in danger or been hurt I'm not a patient man" Harry was still chewing his lip, it had began to bleed. Severus rubbed his thumb along it
"Don't do that" he whispered Harry immediately stopped and pulled his face away from the touch. Severus was doing a good job at keeping his temper; in fact a little too good something told him that the promise Outkast had gotten out of him was a little more binding then words. He pushed the thought to the side for the moment.
"Harry, I don't expect you to ever forgive me for that, but please tell me that you at least understand why I did it" Harry thought about it for a moment, trying to see the situation from the other side. He sighed and nodded he guessed he did see their point.
Harry was shaking, Sev ran his hands down Harry's arms with the intention of rubbing calming circles on his wrists but as he did Harry winced. Severus was a little more worried that seemed to confirm it but he really needed to hear it from Harry.
"Harry?" Severus prompted. Harry looked up to his father's eyes with a mixture of terror and guilt but didn't move, Severus slowly reached up and pulled the collar of Harry's shirt down. All he saw was unmarred skin, which was odd knowing what happened at the Dursley's. Realisation dawned and faster then Harry could react to, Severus pulled his wand
"Finite Incantatem" fresh cuts and old scars came into view. Harry went from fear to outright terror.
"I'm sorry please don't be mad" he chocked out, Severus looked at him with concern,
Harry found himself being tugged up and pulled into the light. Severus banished his robe to inspect it closer, with a slight tremble in his hands he cupped Harry's face forcing him to look at his face
"Did you do that?" He asked, Harry shut his eyes tightly but a single tear escaped. Severus pulled him close, wrapping his arms around the trembling child; he placed his chin on his head and rubbed small circles on his back. His calm exterior kept in place only by years of training to be stoic and a promise to someone he was going to scream at later. He didn't know what to do, sure he'd dealt with self harmers in his house but that was not the same as knowing that his own son mutilated his body.
"Why did you do it Harry?" he whispered,
"I …I can't tell you" was the muffled reply. Severus nodded, but then a horrible thought hit him
"You didn't do this because of me did you?" Harry shook his head but didn't elaborate, he pulled away from Severus and started to edge towards the door,
"Harry where are you going?" Harry stopped with his hand on the door
"I don't want to talk about this, please let me go" Severus didn't say anything until Harry had left, he then stormed out of the dungeons, he had two people he needed to talk to.
##
Outkast was anxious, no doubt she was going to get at least one irate visitor tonight if not two. She was sitting on her bed swearing a mile a minute at a certain rat that would not shut up;
"Look if you don't stop making such a racket I will feed you to McGonagall, or worse yet Uriel. The rat in question just gave her a menacing glare.
"You know you're about as intimidating as a lemon mousse don't you? You should take lessons…" whatever she was a bout to say was cut off by a loud thumping on the door, followed by a lot of shouting
"OUTKAST YOU MANIPULATING BITCH GET OUT HERE NOW!" She tossed another peanut in her mouth and talked to the rat as she went to the door
"You see now that's intimidating, and you better be as quiet as a mouse while he's here… shouldn't be too much of a stretch" She smirked and cast a silencing spell on the cage just in case. She took a deep breath and opened the door allowing in the irate black cloud that was Severus Snape. He was visibly shaking with barely suppressed range. The moment he entered she closed and warded the door. She wasn't given a chance to speak before he launched into a tirade
"You knew didn't you? You knew he was mutilating himself and not only did you not tell me you did nothing to stop him" Outkast perched on the edge of her desk, there was no point talking until he'd got rid of a lot of the aggression
"How could you stand by and do nothing? I thought you liked him! Hell I thought you liked me! Why didn't you say something? I could have done something" He stopped for breath, Outkast jumped in before he had a chance to continue
"What would you have done Sev? Shouted at him? Threatened him? Do you really think that would have got you anywhere?" Severus dropped onto the couch, Outkast sauntered over and sat next to him, she ran her hands through his hair,
"He won't stop because you yell; in fact he's likely to do it twice as much. If I had told you, I would have lost his trust in me, you would have shouted, Dumbledore would have taken Draconis and Harry would have transfigured a blade and done the job properly. So yeah I manipulated you into promising not to shout and at, in the same way I manipulated him into telling you the truth. I apologise for neither" Outkast kept her calm and spoke softly. Severus let out a deep breath before shaking his head
"You're a real piece of work you know that?"
"Yeah I know, but at least I do the wrong thing for the right reasons" She smiled ruefully to herself, beginning to understand a certain old wizard a little better, speaking of which she guessed they better go talk to him. She voiced that to Sev who groaned
"Yeah I guess, he's going to want to talk to Harry, can you go get him" Severus looked down, his ring was pain silver, that's peculiar he doesn't normally take it off he shook himself out of the memories of the last time his ring looked like that, before rising of the couch, he turned to Outkast as more of an after thought
"When you find him can you tell him to put the ring back on" She nodded and then left, Severus looked around, seeing the animal cage for the first time, strange Outkast hadn't mentioned having a pet…
##
As soon as his father left Harry went up to his room, he tugged the ring Sev gave him off and stuck it on the bedside table. He didn't want to be monitored at the moment. Harry collapsed on to the bed and sighed. He didn't know weather to curse Outkast or thank her, but at the moment all he wanted to do was stop the darkness from encroaching. He rolled onto his front and pulled out his journal and a knife from under his pillow. He started by writing an entry covering the talk, and his father's reaction. He voiced his doubt about what he'd been told. He tucked the book back and studied the knife. He rolled his sleeve up and pulled it down along the length of his arm tracing the scars from the summer, not as deep but fairly big. He let it bleed for a few moments and was about to heal it, but then his scar erupted and he was no longer able to focus on anything but the voice pulling him into another world.
The grey mist swirled around him, he could see nothing but he heard something in the wind;
"Hello Harry" The voice sounded cold, but amused, Harry knew who it was, after all only Voldemort could pull this trick.
"What do you want?"
"I want to keep you here until your lifesssss blood sssssstiainsssss the floorsss" Harry rolled his eyes
"You bought me here for that? Honestly if you don't mind some constructive criticism you've been trying to kill me on and off for 15 years, you really need a hobby" the voice growled menacingly
"Don't get ssssssmart with me boy" Harry wasn't really paying attention he was trying to find the way out this vision or what ever the hell it was
"Look Tom, I would really lover to stay and chat but as you pointed out I am dying so if you would kindly piss off…" Harry was cut off as red eyes came into view with furious intesisty
"CRUCIO" Harry dropped to the floor writhing under the curse, his last thought was
'why can't I do that in here?' and then the pain took over
##
Outkast sauntered of to the Serpentine portrait, the guard snake looked bored
Password it hissed, Outkast sighed
I don't know it, will you open up anyway? The portrait swung aside much to her amazement I must talk to Harry about his security she thought as she entered, but then all was forgotten when Harry came into view, he was laying on his back with his eyes open and unblinking, the duvet was soaked in his blood. She didn't think she just reacted, stemming the blood and healing the wound. The room was a mess but he hadn't lost enough blood to account for this state, she learnt a long time ago a little blood went a long way. She knelt down and studied Harry's face. Great timing Tom she thought and what was going on dawned on her. Sighing she got comfy and then entered the fray.
Harry was writhing under her brother's wand. She sent her own spell disarming her brother, Harry gasped on the floor for a bit longer.
"Sorry Tom the boy's mind is off limits"
"We will ssssssee about that" He cast a spell that struck Outkast, what ensued was a battle of wills. Harry had no idea who won, but moments later he regained his perspective and woke.
Harry took a moment to look around the room and get his bearings. Outkast shook her head
"That was not pleasant" she looked as though she was trying to dislodge some hidden object from her ear by banging to opposite side of her head. She grinned at Harry's confused expression before bouncing up to her feet
"And on that note we are due to meet your father in the old loon's office" Harry looked completely puzzled
"That's it no, what the hell were you doing speech?" Outkast sighed
"What's the point I know exactly what you were doing and why you were doing it, so asking you is an object in futility. Now get up" She offered him a hand, he sighed and took it allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and led to the headmaster's office.
##
"Albus what am I supposed to do?" The headmaster sat at his desk, he looked grave there was no hint of a twinkle in his eye.
"You can only do your best Severus, Harry needs you now more then ever"
"He thinks I betrayed him"
"That maybe so but in time he will come round"
"I am not so sure you didn't see him. He has so little trust and the one person he confides in is well not what one would normally refer to as a responsible adult" Albus's lips twitch to a small smile at that.
"No she is not but she won't allow him to come to harm" Severus nodded, before falling into a chair, he had been pacing the room but now hard burnt off some of the nervous energy. He studied the headmaster closely for a long moment
"Did you know?" Albus popped a lemon drop in his mouth
"I know lots of things" Severus rolled his eyes
"Did you know that my son was harming himself" Albus sighed,
"I thought I had dealt with it sufficiently that he would stop" Severus's eyes flare with anger,
"When did you know?"
"His birthday, after the incident with Remus, Alastor noticed" Severus scoffed
"So Moody knew as well, is there anybody who didn't know? You thought that this minor detail should be kept from me? Dammit Albus I expect this from Moody and even Outkast but you should have told me" Severus was pissed. Well fuming was a more accurate description but before anything else could be said the door opened, and Outkast led a very disheartened Harry into the office.
"Ah Harry take a seat, tea? Lemon drop?" While his tone was conversational, Harry could see the disappointment in his eyes. Outkast loitered behind them but made no move to leave. Albus glanced at her
"Ah, Outkast, can you please return to Harry's quarters and retrieve a certain item, a dagger, if you don't see it try summing it, by calling Draconis"
"WHAT? NO!" Harry screamed and jumped out of his seat he glanced frantically from the headmaster to Outkast.
"Please no don't it's all I have of him" His eyes pleaded with the headmaster and Outkast, Dumbledore shook his head sadly
"I'm sorry Harry but I stand by my word, I told you the consequences of your actions"
"But I kept my word I didn't use it please don't" Harry turned his attention to Outkast, she studied him for a long moment.
"Sorry kid" She turned and walked quickly out the door. Harry sat back down, curling into a ball, he pointedly refuse to meet the gaze of his father or the headmaster.
"Harry can you tell us why you did this?" Harry snorted and refused to look up; Severus crouched down by pulling lifting his sons face to meet his gaze
"Harry, please why do it?" Nothing the headmaster could have said or threatened would have made Harry say anything but the soft tones of his father broke his resolve, he took a shaky breath
"Because when I cut I at least feel something" he whispered, Severus brushed Harry's hair away from his forehead at a loss
"I don't know how to help you" he whispered staring the lighting bolt that marred the skin, Harry shrugged
"Then don't, I don't need your help, I don't need your concern or you support I survived this long without you" Harry eyes blazed
"I. Don't. Need. You" he punctuated each word keeping his father's gaze for several moments before getting up he headed for the door speaking over his shoulder
"If you don't mind I would like to move back to the dorm, I hate special treatment" With that he was gone. As he reached the bottom step he met Outkast clutching his dagger.
"I truly hate you" he spat on his way past and stormed off. Outkast closed her eyes against the pain the words bought.
##
AN: I am so sorry I have taken to put this up and the fact it's not that good!!! But in my defence I have literally just finished finals, I had writers block the likes of which God have never seen and then I spilt cognac and coke in my computer. Add to that my 21st birthday and it's all been rather chaotic!
Review responses:
Lupinandsiriuslover, Starangel2106, Blackdragonofslytherin, Amy2k, Schnuff, Ash Knight, Kateri1, Aconite, Romm, Rhiain, Katherine, MikiBaby, Ketami, Rasgara, Amber Fyre Riddle-Snape, Miss Mooney, K, Melanie, LuvxbooksTV28; Thanks guys I recognise lots of regular reviewers it means a lot!
Mayhem; Congrats on the longest review prize glad you like sis! Thanks for betaering!
Lighting Rain; How the picture coming?
Kelei; Ok I get the ….
Padfootfe; It will all work out in the end!
Marauders4ever; GOTH! Outkast wears Goth and yeah all her personality including quirks are based on me :) (see my homepage!)
Tynan; if it's locked you can't slam it!
Hunta; people who are traumatised may regress to a safe time in their life; however Harry's never been safe and hence regress to child. Unfortunately no one has really noticed….
ShaeLynn; yeah your being coherent I think that's because the bunnies have visited Mayhem….
Opal; DOOPS! Thanks for the reminder!
HecateDeMorte; No because he doesn't know what's in it.