Chapter 5
There were days when being the greatest scientific mind on cable had its advantages. This was such a day. Slowly, with the care and precision of a man defusing a bomb, except the exact opposite, Membrane inserted a final electrical lead into the device on the table. It was now armed. A little red light started blinking at its center, glowing with some unknown, quite possibly terrifying power. The professor took two slow steps back as the light pulsed faster, then dashed behind a triple re-enforced, eight inch thick piece of Seld-M-Melt™ transparent concrete. He watched the timer count-down. Almost there…so close…
"Uh, dad?" Dib said, swinging open the door to the lab.
"No !" yelled his father, throwing his gloved hands into the air, a dramatic but futile gesture.
There was a roaring explosion, a massive, deafening thud, a squeak, and then nothing. Then there was another explosion, followed by a kind of tinkling noise, and finally a sound reminiscent of a moose-call. Dib stared at the device on the table, unable to fathom why anything would make such racket…
"Oh No! You've spoilt your birthday present, son! And you have what appears to be a green child fused to your groin."
"My birthday present?" wondered Dib. "What is it? You usually get me a chemistry set and a straight jacket in a box labeled 'choose'."
"This year is different, son. In the interests of efficiency I've been working on a combination scientific learning kit slash whole body restraint for the mentally deranged! I call it the 'straight-jacket of science'!"
"Uh, that's great Dad. Listen, do you have a minute?"
"Of course I do. I've got one next June, if you'd like it."
"Uh, I meant now."
"This wouldn't have anything to do with that horrible green boy stuck to your groin, would it?" asked Prof. Membrane, leader of the world scientific community, enemy of Santa Claus, and non-believer in aliens.
"Well, yeah, as a matter of fact-."
"Allow me to explain, worm-filth" said Zim, suddenly. "Your big-headed spawn-creature has interfered with my very scientific experiment and fused himself to me, Zim."
"I see." Intoned Membrane, his displeasure evident. "He is insane, you see, and-"
"Yes, yes, the boy is quite horrible, I know. But as the victim of his unprovo-"
"He was trying to destroy mankind! He's an alien!" said Dib, his frustrated gyrations wiggling Zim about. "He had this slug, and it was terrible, with the socks, and, well, look!" Dib snatched off Zim's wig and contact lenses, exposing his antennae and red, bulbous eyes. Zim made a shocked, gasping noise and covered his face.
"My goodness son!" the professor shouted. "I had no idea."
Dib looked at him, his eyes growing moist. "You mean…you believe me?" he whispered, barely daring to speak the words, lest he break the spell.
"I certainly do, son, and now I know that you're CONTAGIOUSLY insane!" Dib's father pulled a lever, and a panel on the far wall slid away. A giant white robot, built like a gorilla and wearing a nurse's hat emerged. A logo its chest read 'Restraint And Transportation of Crazies to Hospital - Emergency Droid - RATCHED'" It was holding what looked like a padded baseball bat.
"I'm sorry, son, but I have to quarantine you before you infect anyone else!"
The robot lurched forward. A thin metallic voice emanated from inside. "Now, now, target 01, just come along quietly, we'll fix you right up." Then with a shriek: "Target Acquired, Initiate passive restraint mode." Little ports opened up in the robot's head, and tiny medicinal darts shot at Dib's head. They landed squarely, unable to avoid his enormous cranium even if they'd wanted too.
Zim glared at the droid. "No one calls Zim a figment of Dib's imagination!" And, grunting with all his might, managed to get one spider leg out of his pak and through the duct tape. He hooked it around Membrane's back and yanked him, hard, into the path of the oncoming robot of doom. The two collided, buying Zim just enough time to use his single spider leg to cut the rest free, extend them, and scurry, with an unconscious Dib hanging awkwardly under him, out the door.
Professor Membrane, heaped on top of the robo-ratched, stared after him. "Did that hallucination just run off with my son, or am I crazy?"
"Possible confession of insanity!" yelped the robot, and shot him with darts, put him in a strait-jacket, and sat on him until the authorities could arrive.