Unwell

by April CK

Dragonball Z characters, settings and items are all registered trademarks of at least Bird Studios.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. I know - right now you don't care. But soon enough, you're gonna think of me. And how I used to be."

-quote from the song that inspired the title, Unwell by Matchbox20.

And what I'd like to know now, is what I'm supposed to believe.

What? Did you expect me to start differently? 'Dear diary' or something like that? Well, I won't do it. I'm not here to write letters to some imaginary audience. All I want is to make a record of what I'm thinking. Because maybe - just maybe - if I write it down, then I will read it someday and it will make sense. Or maybe, at the very least, I'll be able to stop thinking about it.

Because right now it doesn't make sense. And I can't stop thinking about it.

My name is Uub.

Today I learned what my name used to be.

It was an accident, really. Wasn't supposed to happen. Started out as such a normal day. Got up early, as usual. Did the chores.

I didn't always used to get up early to do my chores. Guess that started about five years ago. I was around six years old and... Well. I didn't understand it back then. But I was strong. Real strong. I mean, there I was - this lanky six year old boy, doing the kind of work that usually requires at least two grown men and a tractor. When you're just born with that kind of power, you can't help but take it for granted. Still. I've always tried to be considerate. That's why I got up extra early to do chores around the village. I wanted to be done before anyone else was awake. That way, no one would have see me work. I didn't want to make other people feel weak around me. This village is my home. I love my family. I don't want to embarrass the people here. Don't want to make them resent me.

On the other hand, maybe they should.

Wish I knew what to believe.

Today I'm a human being. I've got human relatives. Parents. Siblings. Aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and...

My siblings are the worst. By far. Not in a bad way either. They're good people. It's just that... They feel like they have to compete with me. And they can't. They just can't. That sort of makes things awkward between us. My older brothers don't even talk to me anymore. I never meant to hurt them but... The damage is done. It's a matter of pride. I was supposed to be their vulnerable little brother, you know? Someone to watch out for, someone to pick on occasionally. Someone to protect. And instead, they got me. Uub.

Nori, my eldest brother, got into a fight at school once. Came home beaten up. I followed Nori to school the next day. I was maybe three or four years old at the time. I have vague memories of tripping the bully who had hurt my brother and dragging him outside by his hair and... Uhm. Yea. You get the drift. Nobody ever picked on Nori after that. Nobody picked on anyone in my family.

Regardless of my intentions, people resent me. It's inevitable really. I don't know if I'm the favorite child or if my parents were just afraid of me or what. Maybe all of the above. Whatever the reason, my parents were never as strict with me.

This is a small village. Everyone knows everyone else. I consider most of the villagers to be extended family. But sometimes I wonder if they think of me that way. Would people like me as much if I wasn't as strong? Would they treat me with respect even if I didn't give the villagers something to brag about?

Do they realize what they've done to me? Do they realize what I've done to them?

Once, this was a poor village. Then I was born. I don't know when the training began. I don't know why, either. Maybe I wasn't trained. Maybe I didn't need training. Maybe some part of my soul remembered how to fight. Anyway. It started innocently enough, I guess. The people in the village would tell everyone about me. I imagine the conversations may have gone something like this:

"A seven-legged toad? Is that all? Well in OUR village, we've got a toddler that can punch a hole in concrete. Now whadda think of that? Oh yea? How much do you wanna bet?"

By the time I was eight, our village was no longer quite as poor. Still. We weren't exactly rich either.

One of the neighboring villages was holding a tournament that year. People from my village begged me to enter. They promised to cheer for me - and, I'm sure, intended to bet on me. My parents might have been the only ones who encouraged me to do it for my own sake. They wanted me to prosper, to discover the world beyond the village and so forth. And much as they loved me, they also wanted me out of the house. I think they were afraid that I might accidentally hurt one of my siblings.

So I went along with it. First one tournament, then another. And another. Slowly but steadily working my way up the ranks. Always trying to do what I thought was best for my family, my village. Always reminding myself that my family did love me. That they were proud of me. That I was fighting for a good cause.

That's how, a year ago, I ended up in the 28th Tenkaichi Budoukai. I was ten years old. I was hoping to win a lot of money so that I could go home for a while. And I did fine, until the semi-finals.

When my first match in the semi-finals was announced, I learned that my opponent would be Son Goku. Sure. I'd heard of Goku. Who hadn't, right? People had talked about him at almost all the other tournaments. If even half the stories were true, this guy was a living legend.

Or at least, he had been. Honestly I wasn't too worried. They had announced our ages with our names. Goku was 48. That sounded so old, to my ears. Almost fifty! And he hadn't fought in a tournament for eons. The last Tenkaichi Budoukai that Goku had entered had been the 25th and the last Tenkaichi Budoukai that Goku had actually placed in was the 23rd. So as far as world martial arts ranking went - Goku hadn't won anything since he was 19.

You have to remember that I had been raised by regular people. I had grown up listening to them. I was under the impression that Mister Satan had saved the world a couple of times. But that had happened before I was born. So I wasn't even sure what he'd saved the world from. The weird thing is, in retrospect, nobody else seemed to know either. Nobody could remember what Mister Satan had saved the world from. They just KNEW that he HAD saved the world from something. And even if he hadn't saved the world, Mister Satan had won every Tenkaichi Budoukai since the 24th. Thus Mister Satan officially outranked Goku. And Mister Satan wasn't the only one.

So I wasn't worried when I heard that my opponent would be Goku. Not at first. He made it easy to underestimate him. He hadn't won anything in my lifetime. I figured that Goku was past his prime. But as soon as I stepped into that arena...

That's when things started to fall apart for me.

I couldn't put it into words back then. But I've had some time to think about it since. A lot of time, actually. I can't stop thinking about it. Keeps me awake sometimes.

Why didn't I notice? Buu had been there the whole time, fighting in the tournament. He'd made it to the semi-finals as well.

I didn't notice. Guess I wasn't paying attention. The Tenkaichi Budoukai was such a huge event. I'd actually gotten lost in the stadium after registering. Was lucky to make it into the fights at all. Spent most the time between matches on the sidelines, feeling sort of overwhelmed. Staring at the tv cameras. Listening to the crowds. Occasionally being interviewed or asked for an autograph.

That's what it was. The crowds. The tv cameras. I was ten years old. I couldn't focus. I felt uncomfortable. So that's what happened - I blamed the crowds. I told myself that this was a normal way to feel when you're a kid from a tiny village stuck in the spotlight on international tv. Only normal, to feel nervous. Only normal...

I should have known right then that something was off. I've never been normal.

When Goku stepped into the arena to fight me, I couldn't ignore it anymore. I was still in denial of course but... Some part of me recognized Goku. And it wasn't the sort of recognition that comes from just hearing stories about the guy. It was deja vu. I felt like I'd met him before. Felt like I'd fought him before. And it seemed so ridiculous at the time. But the feeling would not go away. Has never gone away. And it wasn't just Goku either. I got that feeling around a lot of people. Warriors, most of them.

And now I don't know what to believe.

I want to go home. I want to ask my parents. I want to ask my brothers and sisters and everyone. I want to pester the village elders. I want to know what they think. Am I human? Haven't I always been human? Can someone please tell me that I belong here? Can someone please...

Goku offered to train me a year ago, at that fateful 28th Tenkaichi Budoukai. So I left that tournament without meeting Buu. And I've spent every day since then just training. Focusing on the fighting. Trying to ignore the deja vu sensation. I haven't made a lot of progress - despite what the others say. Mostly I've done stealth and strength training. Sometimes I wear weights and play tag or do other exercises. Sometimes I just meditate. It's the easiest way to train without endangering the village. And it works out okay. I'd wanted to stay close to home.

I'm eleven now. And I've run away from home. Because I don't what to believe.

It was supposed to be a good day. I'd gotten up early, finished my chores, gone to the edge of the village to wait. I was going to learn to fly today. That's the next step for me. Flying. Then I can follow Goku to empty places where we can spar. Then I can practice energy attacks.

Goku has tried to explain the concept of flying to me before. Really, I understood it the first time but I pretended not to. I'd traveled a lot before the 28th Tenkaichi Budoukai. Had spent two whole years on the road, going from one tournament to the next. So I'd wanted to stay at my village for a while. I'd just gotten back. Wasn't ready to leave again. That's why I put off flying.

Today though, my teacher insisted. Goku had a golden cloud with him and he told me that I should ride on it to get the feel of flight. No big deal, right? That's what I thought. Before I fell through the cloud.

Yea. That's right. Sunk like a rock. Didn't even get on the cloud, really. Just fell right through it. Maybe Goku had expected that to happen. Maybe he hadn't. I don't know. But what I do know, now, is that the golden cloud has a name. It is called Kin'toun and it can carry anyone that is pure of heart. And it couldn't carry me.

While I was getting up, Vegeta - because he comes sometimes, he always says that he's just there to watch my progress but he usually gets into fights with Goku - made a comment about me. Maybe Vegeta didn't think that I would hear him. Maybe he didn't know that I didn't know. But I heard him. And I could tell from Gokus reaction that it was something that Vegeta wasn't supposed to say around me. I could also tell from Gokus reaction that he agreed with what Vegeta had said. Not exactly a compliment.

After that I started asking questions. I didn't let them get away with silence. They told me. Eventually.

When they first said that they had saved the world from Buu - I was so dense. I didn't see what that had to do with me. Buu was somebody else. A contender at the 28th Tenkaichi Budoukai that I'd never met. A friend of Mister Satans. That was all I knew about Buu, before today.

And what I'd like to know now, is what I'm supposed to believe.

I know what I WANT to believe. I want to believe that I'm human. That I'm just a nice, if abnormally strong, human kid. I want to believe that my soul is original and complete. That my life is my own. Heck. I even want to believe that Mister Satan saved the world.

I don't want to believe that Goku saved the world ten years ago. Can't believe that he saved the world from me.

How can I believe that? How can I believe that my teacher was once my killer? That my spirit is just a fraction of what it used to be? That I share my soul with a monster called Buu? That I'm the EVIL half? How can I believe that my spirit is over five million years old? That I have murdered gods and destroyed planets? That I wasn't always human?

Who wants to believe that kind of thing?

Earth is right here, beneath me. People are all around. If I had killed them, if I had blown up the Earth... Then where am I and who are these people? Magic, my teacher told me. They got it all back. Undid all the damage. Isn't that convenient? Magic. Am I supposed to believe that? Am I supposed to believe Goku and Vegeta and ignore everyone else on Earth? Because if they are right then everyone else is wrong.

What kind of hero saves the world and then asks that the population of Earth be brainwashed, allowed to forget? What kind of hero saves the world and then wishes the monster back to life?

What good is saving the world if you have to lie to everyone on the planet?

Maybe their intentions were good. I don't know. But I think I'll cut back on training from now on. I may not be pure of heart but I don't have to put up with this. Maybe Goku and Vegeta made up this whole crazy story. They don't have any evidence. Don't have any witnesses.

I used to call him Goku-sama. You can tell, I've lost some respect for him today. It's hard to trust someone who is willing to lie to the entire population of the planet. Why should I believe that he's telling me the truth? What sets me apart from everyone else?

The trouble is, much as I'd like to ignore it, there's a part of me that knows the answer to that last question. There's a part of me that can hear the angels laughing at the cruel irony that is my life.

I just want to be normal. To fit in, to belong. To go home. To not have to worry about any of this. To not feel guilty. Or lost. Or betrayed. Why did they lie to me? Why did they lie to everyone else? Why can't I remember? What did I do to deserve this? How can I go home if there's even a chance of it being true? Could my human family still love me if they found out what I used to be?

Why is it that the things we want most in life are the things that we can never truly have?

The universe has a twisted sense of humor. I suppose if nothing else, I can at least believe that.

Back to The Theater Contact Me