If I Love You, Then Why…?

A/N: First of the Three Companions.

Order: If I Love You, Then Why…?

You Still Love Him

Blinded By A Dream

Disclaimer: Nothing here, darling.

Summary: I looked and acted a lot like your mother. Maybe that's why you loved me…The best kept secret in the entire world… If I love you, I will always need him…

If I Love You, Then Why…?

The weather was getting quite cool, the night we began. At a Quidditch match, I held my jumper a bit closer to me than normal… and I stared at you from two rows above. Your golden brown, almost graying hair, stood almost as unkempt as your friend's, whom you were watching fly around the pitch with your averting grey eyes. You held your cloak around, its fastening coming undone with every gust of wind.

You were not well off. This was the year your mother got killed by Voldemort, our sixth year. She was Muggle-born, like me. She had a smile to brighten the room, like James often called mine. From what Sirius had always told me, I looked and acted a lot like your mother. Maybe that's why you loved me.

It was at this particular game, when I decided to share my feelings for you. My friends pushed me into it; the friends we shared pushed me into it, as well. You already knew, but you wanted to hear from me. You wanted me to mutter four words, "I like you, Remus." And it was odd that I, Lily Evans, ever needed pushing to mutter four simple words. It was odd how I needed someone to talk confidence into me. Didn't know if you would or could ever feel the same. I wondered if you could ever look at me that way. You could and you did.

After two months of our relationship, it was Christmas. We had a month in between when I told you of my feelings, to when you finally did something about them. You are a patient should, and I thank you for waiting. It's precious to me, our relationship. That I waited so long to hear you mutter, "Would you got to Hogsmeade with me?" and that I waited even longer to have your arms around my waist, to have your hand tucked into mine.

Christmas came, bringing us closer together, with every day I was apart from you, my heart ached for you. You sent me my present; or rather, presents. You spoiled me. I asked for not any presents and you gave me three; four, technically, if you count yourself. I had never been so happy, the day your presents came. I truly believed I loved you, then. After two months I believed I couldn't manage to go a day without you, Remus. And maybe I couldn't then. But something happened.

We were in a group after Christmas, you, me and your three best friends. I was resting in your arms, content as your chest breathed softly against my head. I played with the hair in your face and smiled up at you, the love of my life. James made a funny comment, and I caught him staring at us more than once. After they left, I asked you if James was all right with us, all right with our relationship. You told me his crush was quickly leaving, and that he was falling in love with a beautiful girl, a friend of a friend, he says.

I smiled, I believed you. I believed our love was strong. And I believed that I no longer hand anything holding me back. Not a single thing in the world was holding me back from kissing you. Not any person, any parent, any teacher. Not even love for James Potter could hold me back from you. But I was wrong.

I loved James. The best kept secret in the entire world. I "hated him" but I loved him. I needed him. At least, until I found that you were a wonderful guy.

The sweetest guy, laughing at the weird things I did. How I had to eat my food a certain way, how I had a little schedule to do before I rested among my pillows. You found it fun, like mostly everyone else, but you loved me more for it. I loved playing with your hair. I made you promise me you wouldn't cut it. Because that was the thing I loved about you most. Your hair and how you let me run my hands through it. How it didn't annoy you, and how you'd come to expect me to walk up behind you every single morning and playing with it, before sliding into your arms.

Nothing, I thought, could hold me back from that. I thought I could lay peacefully in your arms. That I would no longer wish it was his arms I'd be in. I thought my love for him had died, the moment you wrapped your arms around me and held me close, the moment I became your girl. I had pet names for you… all the names in the world, and you had come to adopt them as your own. They were fine for you. You loved him. I thought I had everything in the world, when I was yours. I thought you captivated me.

It was true that before my head hit the pillow every night, after my routine, my mind fell on you. And then to him, to James. Old dreams would come back, of me in his arms, of me loving him as much as he loved me. And I thought that I might have had a chance. When I left Charms clue one afternoon, James was there to meet me. I was going to Hogsmeade to meet you, and James decided to stay behind for some reason. He offered to spend the day with me. He asked if I wanted to play in what was left of the snow, instead of go to Hogsmeade and see you.

Blinded by my love for you, I told him I was to meet you at the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer and a lovely chat. You and I never kissed, even after three months. I thought you were respecting me, and maybe you were. But I'll never know why I never kissed you. Because it ended, it seemed, before it even began.

On the train ride home, I sat in your arms, my hand attached to yours. James sat across from us, perhaps giving him the right to look at us. I started at him, and when I saw you look at me, I closed my eyes as thought I was tired. But I wasn't. I was looking to James. To the man I didn't love anymore. And I asked myself a simple question, "If I love you, Remus, then why do I need James? Why do I wish to have his arms around me? Why do I wish to call him all the names I call you? Why is it his hair I long to play with? Why do I need to be his girl? Why his and not yours?

Because even if I love you, Remus, I was always need James. I will need the way he treats me. I always thought, even when I subconsciously liked James, that he was half the man you are, that you are twice the man he'll only dream to be. And if this is so, why do I need him? Why can't I be content in your arms? Why must I choose him over you? I'm sorry, Remus. I cannot answer any of these. It's just how love works.

If I love you, Remus… I will always need him.