Chapter Twenty-One

"Look Kevin, I'm sorry," said Lucy. "I wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time, and neither was Roxanne. It just happened."

The husband and wife were having lunch at Pete's Pizza.

"Forget it," said Kevin. "I had her, too. That doesn't make what you did right, and it doesn't make my adultery right either; but you and she have been friends for so long it was inevitable. For what it's worth, I've been her beat partner so long that what happened between her and me was bound to happen, too."

"So, that's it?" asked Lucy in shock. "You're just going to drop it?"

"What's the point in dragging it out? We have three kids, another on the way, and the last thing our kids need is more disruption in their lives. But I'd just like to know why."

Lucy sighed. She had been rehearsing this speech for weeks, but now the time had come to confront her husband with the truth, she was at a loss for words. It took her a few minutes to collect her thoughts. Finally, she spoke.

"Roxie and I – well, I knew about an affair she once had with another woman. She confided that to me a couple of years ago at one of our weekly pizza dinners. I was surprised at first; but knowing she had been raped, I could see why she would have wanted to see all men as the enemy; why she would want to be a lesbian to make a political statement.

"Well, when you hear something like that, it naturally makes you curious. It makes you want to explore your own self-being and worth, make you want to wonder what it's like. And, let's face it, I may have never been as athletically inclined as Mary was, but I did take a couple of gym classes in high school. I was in the locker room when all the other girls were undressing at the same time as me. One can't help but get aroused by that. Not that I ever would have acted on it then, because I was stuck in the middle between Rod Parker, Jimmy Moon and Jordan Johansson. And I certainly didn't want to embarrass my sisters.

"But the more time went on, the more curious I got. I thought that had all come to an end when I found you, fell in love with you and married you. But there was always Roxanne. She has been a part of our lives ever since you moved to the West Coast to take your job here. You two have always made a great team. Plus, because you two are of the opposite sex, you guys have gotten a much better appreciation of the other half. I know, because Roxanne keeps telling me she's a much better woman for having known you. And even if there is life for her beyond Chandler, she'll always be grateful for having known you."

"So what happened that night when you two were together in that hotel room?" asked Kevin.

"After Roxie and I said our prayers and went into our separate beds," replied Lucy, "I looked across to her bed as she was turning out the bedside lamp. She was wearing, I don't know how to describe it, but it was a very provocative nightgown. She, in turn, was scanning my body, or least imagining what might be under what I was wearing. And … well, it just happened. It didn't take long, but in no time flat, she and I were just all over each other.

"It was like she and I had been meant to be together all along. She didn't seduce me, we seduced each other. I'm going to spare you the details … but when it was all over, I experienced feelings that I hadn't ever felt before. Call me crazy, but it was the first time since our wedding night that I actually felt validated as a woman. Not even giving birth had topped that.

"At least she and Chandler had the courage to admit it was all over for them. I couldn't do that vis-à-vis you and me. My roots are in this town, and so is my church. If my deacons and my congregants are willing to forgive me, the least I can do is forgive myself and not do something like that again. I don't expect your forgiveness, Kevin, because I don't deserve it. I'm not quite sure I can forgive you yet for what you and she did. But at least you had her before I did."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Kevin.

"Oh come on, surely you weren't temped to do it with her the moment you two laid eyes on each other? Come on, Kevin, give. And don't forget, Roxanne may have already told me, but she may have made it up too, so I want to hear it from you."

"All right, fine!" Kevin said angrily. "Four weeks before you and I got married, Roxie and I went down on each other, in a broom closet at the police station. It was over in about five minutes, and we thought we'd never do it again. But we did, and when it happened, we went all the way. I'm not proud of it, and I know she isn't either. That act of infidelity cost her her marriage to Chandler. Not what you and she did, but what she and I did."

Kevin was at the point of being shrill. He paused so he could regain his voice. Finally, he continued:

"Why do you want to stay with me? If it's just because of the kids, that's not a reason to have a marriage."

"No, it's not just that," said Lucy. "It's because I really do love you; probably not as much as I should, otherwise I wouldn't have had sex with Chandler, either. I want us to work this thing out, and I know it's going to take time. I know it'll mean separate beds or even separate bedrooms for a while. It'll mean a lot of counselling, and a lot of therapy – both the emotional kind and the physical one.

"But I'm a member of the First Estate, and my first duty is to God. And if God were here right now, He – or She – would tell me, 'Go forth, and do not sin again.' I have no intention of ever doing anything like that again. You and our kids are a package deal. If I can't have you, I'm not having any man. I'm going to go back to work, try to be the best minister and mother and wife I can, and all the while try to live the life God wants me to lead – and hope that my transgression will not be held against me."

"So what do we do now?" asked Kevin.

"We just take it one day at a time," said Lucy. "You just said you want to move on. I'm willing to do the same. For now, we have some loose ends to tie up. You and Roxie have to wrap up your investigation of the murders; and I have to go over to the church and counsel a troubled couple. I've been helping them for months, but now that I've made myself a hypocrite I'm in a much better position to help them. Ironic, isn't it?"

"So … are you?" asked Kevin.

"Am I what?"

"You know."

"No, I don't."

"Are you bisexual?" asked Kevin meaningfully.

"If you want to put it that way, Kevin," said Lucy in exasperation, "yes, I am. I do go both ways. I probably always have, but I didn't want to admit it until the right Roxanne and I made love. But I have decided to live my life as a heterosexual. Not because what I did was wrong, because of course it was. Not because I likedhaving sexwith Roxanne, although I obviously did. I've made my choice because it's the right thing for me. Not for society, not my congregation, not my family, not you. It's the right thing for me. As much as I could spend the rest of my life with Roxanne Richardson, it wouldn't be right for me or for her. I'm sure she'd agree with me on that point; that's why she and Chandler are still going to live together with their kids even if they're all in separate bedrooms. Maybe she's holding out hope that someday she and him can reconcile and share the same bed together once more.

"So it's the same with me. I'm a minister, but I'm also a mother. And what our kids need is a mother and a father. There may be a lot of kids out there who do fine with only one parent, or with two fathers or two mothers, or their natural parents and a stepparent, and so on. But we're talking about our kids. The kids for whom you sowed the seed; which I carried for both of us, bore fruit, and gave birth to. And what our kids need you and me, Kevin – and no one else. That's why I've made my decision, and I'm sticking by it. And it's going to take some time before we can trust each other again to share the same bed – to have earned the right to share the same bed.

"But I'm going to work every day to earn your trust again. I expect nothing less than the same from you, because if you want my body, you're going to have to earn the right too. I don't trust you yet, but someday I will."

"Maybe we can talk to Dr. Gibson sometime this week," said Kevin. "He might be able to help us or at least refer us to someone who can."

By that time, their meal had gotten cold. So they asked for it to be wrapped to be taken home.

As Lucy got into her car, a thought crossed her mind. "Kevin, this is totally unrelated to what we were talking about; but how are the cops treating Ruthie and the other guys?"

"I can't give away too much," said Kevin, "but let me put it to you this way: something tells Roxie and me that what Ruthie and Peter and the others did go way beyond self-defence.We think they had it in for Ed – that they were going to kill him all along. The only question we have is, were their lives in imminent danger at that particular moment in time? Roxanne, I and all the other cops assigned to this have been trying to figure it out."

"What are they saying?" asked Lucy.

"They asked to speak to a lawyer. They say it's their constitutional right. Which it is, but when that's the first thing that comes out of a suspect's mouth in an interrogation, we always presume guilt."

"That's not the way it's supposed to be," said Lucy, getting into her car and powering it up. She closed the door and rolled down the window. "I thought it's innocent until proven guilty."

"In the courts, yes," said Kevin. "That's not how we cops operate."

Lucy shrugged and drove off for her appointment at the church. She reached into her glove compartment at the first stoplight and pulled out the Roman collar. She slipped it around her neck, the first time she had done so since her first act of infidelity – with Chandler.