Sweet Dreams of You

Christmas Eve, Pennington Medical Center, Sleepy Hollow, VA

Harm and I sit, holding hands, just happy to be alive and together. There's so much more I want to say, I'm sorry doesn't seem to be enough and I'm overcome with gratitude that he's here with me, willing to forgive me and move on.

His eyes are warm and reassuring and full of promise, and I take a deep breath and let it out. "Harm, I…"

"Have been through the wringer today. Whatever you have to say, Mac, I'll still be here in the morning when you wake up, okay? Try and get some rest."

"But – " A tear escapes, runs down my swollen, red face.

"Hey," he says with a compassionate frown. He lightly follows the tracks of my tears with his finger, not wanting to hurt me. "It's going to be okay."

I break into a leaky smile. "I don't think I'm sorry is enough, Harm. There's so much more to say."

"I know." Harm lifts our hands up and he sits on the edge of the bed. He keeps his hold on my hand and reaches out the other to smooth back my hair, taking the chance to lean down and kiss the one spot on my face that isn't red and swollen, then pulls back to look into my eyes. "And we've got plenty of time."

I squeeze his hand in response. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too. Close your eyes now…that's it," he says soothingly. " I'll be right here if you need anything."

I settle into a fitful sleep, filled with dreams of all the things I wish for: a life with Harm, marriage, children…

DREAM

The wedding is a simple ceremony with only our closest friends, which is what I've always wanted. I watch from the back of the chapel – a spectator - as we recite our vows, and the chaplain pronounces us husband and wife. We turn to face our guests. Holding hands, we exchange glowing smiles, and then the announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time, Harmon and Sarah Rabb" to the sound of applause and well wishes.

END OF DREAM

I wake suddenly at the squeeze of my hand, and I realize I just said, "I love you" out loud to the room. I'm still in my hospital room, and it was just a dream. I notice Harm has moved the chair closer to the bed so he can continue to hold my hand. I sit and watch him sleep with his head against the wall and bent at an odd angle. He's going to have a sore neck in the morning.

I rub his arm and try to wake him softly. "Harm?"

He wakes with a start, then focuses on me and sits up. "Are you okay, do you need anything?"

"No, it's just that the way you were sleeping, I thought you're going to need traction for that sore neck you're going to have in the morning. You need a pillow or something."

Harm rubs his neck and stands to stretch, and starts to fuss over me. I watch as he fluffs my pillow and smoothes my blankets.

Satisfied with his handiwork, Harm steps back. "Better?" he asks.

I nod my head, then gaze into his eyes, really look at him. "Harm?"

He turns back. "Yeah, Mac?" he asks with concern.

"I'm not keeping you from anything, am I? I mean, do you have plans for Christmas?"

"Sure, I have plans," he replies. "I'm spending it with you."

"Are you sure? You're not just feeling sorry for me, are you, I mean you probably want to be with Mattie, or…"

"No, Mac."

"Because if you do, it's okay, I understand…"

"I want to be here with you," he assures me.

I nod my assent with a weary smile. "Okay." My eyes start to close and I feel so weary that I finally surrender enough to let myself relax.

"Get some sleep. If you need anything I'm right here," he responds softly.

Just before I fall asleep I open my palm up and hold it out for him to take and Harm slips his hand into mine. I settle into a peaceful dream:

DREAM

Harm and Mac's House

Vienna, VA

I wake with a warm glow. The remnants of a wonderful dream linger in my mind until I remember, with a sigh, that it isn't real. Well, except for Harm. I reach out for him but his side of the bed is empty, and judging from the cool feel of the sheets, he's been up for a while.

I get up and put on a robe and descend the stairs to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. Even though it's the middle of the night, I know Harm will want some. Maybe it'll help him sleep. Minutes later, I make my way back upstairs to the room with the door closed, turn the knob and peer inside.

Harm looks up when he sees me and then goes back to finishing the last of the trim. "You shouldn't be in here, Mac, the fumes…"

I can see the window is cracked open for ventilation. Silently I walk forward and hand him the cocoa, which he accepts gratefully.

"I know it's late. I'm almost done," he says apologetically.

"Harm, you have to stop painting this room. First it had to be pink, and then it had to be blue, now it's pink again. You're going to drive yourself crazy, you know."

"I know, but I had make sure I got it right before the baby comes."

"Instead of becoming best friends with the guy from the paint store, why don't you just ask the doctor whether it's a boy or a girl?" I tease.

"Maybe I should just paint it yellow, that's a nice neutral color," he remarks distractedly.

"I keep telling you, you've got to get some sleep now because you're not going to get any for the next twenty years. And besides, I miss you."

Harm sets his paintbrush down and wipes his hands with a rag. He pulls me closer so he can rest his head against my round belly, lightly caressing my lower back with his hand.

"I miss you too, Mac, but I just had to do this. I couldn't sleep until I knew it was the right color."

"And how do you know this is the right one?" I ask, running my hand through his hair.

Harm looks away, embarrassed. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Yes I would, Harm," I respond, giving him encouragement.

Harm hesitates, but he knows that I won't laugh when he tells me, so he does.

"I saw her, Mac. I know you're going to say it was just a dream, and intellectually I know that's true, but it was so real."

"Her name is Katie," I say out loud.

Harm looks at me, shocked, wondering if maybe he said her name in his sleep. "How did you know that?"

"I think I had the same dream."

"Wouldn't it be funny if it was really just a dream and we have a boy?" he says with a chuckle.

"But we both dreamed it, so…"

"Maybe it's true," he says.

Trying to be the voice of reason I suggest, "Maybe we should ask the doctor, just in case."

He takes my hand and rests it over his heart. "No, I can feel it. In here."

I meet his gaze and I feel a connection like none we've had before. "Me too." I bend to kiss him and tug on his hand, pulling him to his feet. "Come on; let's go back to bed. She'll be here before we know it."

I lead Harm back to our bedroom and lie down on my side. Harm takes his position behind me, gently caressing my belly, and we manage to get a couple of hours of sleep when suddenly my water breaks.

"Harm!" I call out with urgency.

He jumps up quickly. "I'll get the car."

On the way to the hospital, I take his hand and squeeze it. "You ready for this?"

"I was cutting it close, but yeah, the paint will be dry just in time," he replies with a grin.

END OF DREAM

"Mac, are you okay?" Harm must have continued holding my hand while I slept because he yanks it hard, startling me awake in the process.

"What's the matter?" I ask, confused. My body jerks up and I wince in pain. For a second I don't remember where I am, but then it comes back to me. I groan slightly when I try to ease myself back down.

Harm jumps up and is at my bedside when he hears me. "Oh God, I'm sorry, Mac. It was nothing; you must have called me in your sleep. You didn't hurt yourself, did you?"

"No, I don't think so." I settle back and Harm straightens my blankets, making sure I'm situated. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

Harm sits back down in his chair and scrubs his hands over his face before leaning back. "It sounded like you were in distress. It scared me."

"I was dreaming."

"Sounded more like a nightmare to me."

"No, actually it was wonderful," I reply with a wistful smile.

Harm settles back into the chair and pats my hand. "Maybe if you close your eyes you can pick up where you left off," he says with a yawn.

"Maybe." I close my and before long I'm dreaming again:

DREAM

Harm and Mac's House

Vienna, VA

Harm and I settle into our bed at about the same time the snow starts.

"See, it wasn't so bad. We're getting better at this. It's not even midnight," Harm remarks.

"Why do we always wait to put the toys together on Christmas Eve?" I ask this every year.

"It's more fun that way. You know how much we love to torture ourselves."

I stifle a yawn. "Mmm. We better get some sleep before they wake up."

Harm curls his arm protectively around my waist, kissing me softly. "Good idea."

Just then, the bedroom door opens with a small squeak and two little figures stand in the doorway. It's Katie, holding her little brother's hand.

"Mommy? We can't sleep."

Harm and I share a knowing smile. "Come on up, you two."

At just under four years old, Katie is big enough to pull herself up onto the foot of the bed, which she does with ease, then turns to help little brother Tommy up. Harm and I separate.

My daughter crawls until she reaches me and sits with a thud. "Katie, when you put out the milk and cookies for Santa, did Daddy let you have one?" I ask.

Knowing he's caught, Harm pulls the covers slowly over his head. Katie sees this and leans over to Mac, whispering quietly, "Uh oh, is Daddy in trouble?"

"Not if you guys get to sleep soon, before Santa comes."

Tommy jumps up and lands on Harm's stomach and air rushes out of him with a grunt. "I'm going to get you for that one," Harm cries out playfully and grabs Tommy, tickling him gently until he giggles with glee.

I realize then how much I've missed this bonding time since the summer's storms. Typically during the summers, the house would be quiet until the first claps of thunder and the kids would jump into bed with Harm and I.

I smile to myself, silently wondering why Harm told them thunderstorms meant the angels are bowling, but then how do you explain an electrical storm to toddlers?

We make a game of it each time so the kids won't be afraid, and although we both worry that maybe we should let them ride out the storms in their own beds, neither Harm nor I have the heart to do it. Maybe when they get a little older. Until then, horseplay ensues and games are played and stories are told until the storms pass, when Katie and Tommy would fall asleep and magically wake up in their own beds in the morning.

I let Katie under the covers and we hug each other while we watch the horseplay between father and son.

"Do you think they'll ever grow up?" I ask with a glint of laughter as I begin to braid Katie's dark hair.

"I don't know Mommy," Katie answers honestly, "I hope not. Then Daddy wouldn't be able to fly him any more. He would be sad."

I nod in agreement and we watch Harm do just that - hold Tommy high up in his arms and whirl him around while making airplane noises. Harm never seems to tire of it either, not that Tommy would let him. Every time he tries to stop, Tommy cries, "Do it again!" How can he say no to that? And Harm doesn't want to stop, because he knows that one day Tommy will be too old for this and he wants to make the memory last for as long as possible.

"What do you say, little man?" Harm asks as he lowers Tommy to his chest.

"I wanna be a Navy pilot!" Tommy sings as Harm whirls him again.

Not to be outdone, Katie pipes up, "I wanna be a Green Marine!" which make us all laugh. "Can we have story time, Daddy?" she asks Harm with a hopeful smile and pleading eyes.

"I don't know, you ready for a story, kiddo?" Harm asks his son.

Tommy replies in the affirmative with a nod of his head. After one more quick flight, Harm sets him down finally in a soft landing and Tommy trades places with Katie. Stifling a yawn, she rests her head on Harm's pillow while Harm props himself up on his elbow, pulls the covers up to her chin and tucks her in. Tommy cuddles under the covers with his head on my pillow facing Harm and Katie, and the little ones wait patiently for the story to begin, their eyelids already starting to lose the battle against sleep.

With a wink and a smile, Harm looks at me and begins the story with a whisper, "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess."

Katie smiles, knowing Daddy always starts the story like this. She closes her eyes tightly. As Harm continues to spin the tale, Katie can picture the beautiful princess wearing a long white dress with pretty pink flowers woven into her dark hair. They have to be pink because pink is Katie's favorite color. Roses, there are roses everywhere and Katie inhales, hoping she can catch a whiff of their scent, but before she can even finish the thought she is fast asleep.

"Once upon a time there was a tall, handsome prince," I say to Tommy, who listens intently as I tell the part about dress whites and gold wings while rubbing his back in slow circles. He pictures the man flying in a really big airplane that went really, really fast - before he loses the battle with his eyelids and they flutter closed.

Harm and I marvel that our children have fallen to sleep in record time. We are both a little disappointed that we didn't get to the good part of the story yet, even though Katie and Tommy have heard this story countless times and already know how it ends.

Harm and I pick up the sleeping children and carry them off to their rooms. Harm tucks in the sleeping Katie, making sure she has her favorite stuffed animal beside her. He walks quietly to the door and turns to take one more look at his baby girl. She looks so much like me, with the same hair and eyes, and appetite to match. So much for her having his looks, he thinks with a grin. It doesn't matter though. He wouldn't trade her for anything.

I put Tommy down on his bed and crouch down, reach to cover him with his sheet and blanket, and brush a stray lock of hair from his forehead before kissing him goodnight. I'm amazed at how much he resembles Harm. I imagine that Tommy will be tall like his father, and probably follow after him into the Navy. I just hope that my precious boy will love his life and be happy.

Harm and I walk hand in hand back to bed. "Tell me it's not a dream, tell me I'm not going to wake up and find out it's not real," I ask, seeking the answer in his eyes.

Harm cups my cheek, tracing his thumb over my cheekbone before brushing his lips briefly against mine. "It's not a dream," he assures me.

"I love you, Harm."

Harm gathers me up in an embrace and whispers softly to me, "I love you too."

END OF DREAM

I wake up to the sun streaming into the hospital room. My eyes open and the first thing I see is Harm – a pleasant sight to wake up to. He's still wearing his uniform, his tie is off and his shirt is unbuttoned.

"Hey."

"Hey," he responds.

He looks so tired, but he still has a smile for me. "You didn't sleep."

"Not really. But it's okay. We don't have to go to work today, so there's plenty of time to get some rest. You slept well, though," he says with a warm smile.

"Really, how could you tell?"

"You've been smiling, mumbling in your sleep. You looked so happy."

"It was so real, Harm."

"What was?"

I take a big breath and let it out. "All the things I've been hoping for, all wrapped up into one dream. The best dream I've ever had. Did I say something out loud?"

"You said, 'tell me it's not a dream.'"

"Oh."

"The way you said it, it seemed so important to you. I wish I could tell you it wasn't just a dream."

The sincerity of his statement makes my heart melt. I know he would give me anything if he could, and suddenly I'm filled with a happiness – and a hopefulness, I haven't felt in a long time.

He changes the subject. "Good news. The nurse told me that it's a good possibility you'll be released today. But we have to get you up and moving first."

"Okay." I sit up eagerly, but gingerly, attempting to throw the covers off me, but Harm protests.

"Here, let me help you." He pulls back the covers for me. I realize that throwing my legs over the side is going to be harder than I thought. Everything aches, and I guess that's to be expected.

"Ready to stand?" he asks.

"Can you help me?" I ask as I try to swing my legs closer to the edge of the bed. Harm reaches one hand behind my back and the other hand behind my knees, guiding me over the edge until I'm in a full sitting position. I let out a sigh and smile.

"Okay, what next, coach?"

Harm holds up a pair of skid-free booties. "The nurse gave me these. You need them so you won't slip." He sits and starts to take a leg in his hand when I pull back.

"What?"

"I'll do it," I say, but I know I can't really bend that far. Then I relent. I feel somewhat embarrassed. I tell him, "Um, I kind of need a…shave."

Harm arches an eyebrow and takes a long look at my legs. "They look good to me, Mac. I've seen worse," he says with a playful wink.

"Funny." I let him put them on and then we look at each other. Okay, if I want to get out of here some time today, it's now or never. Harm stands and takes my hand while I scoot over the edge and my feet hit the floor. He helps me pull myself to a standing position, but it makes me a little dizzy. Harm is right there and envelops me in his strong arms. I reach out and wrap my arms around his waist. It feels so good, he feels so good. We stand there for a little longer than necessary, but I wouldn't admit that - I'm enjoying it too much. Then I realize it.

"Um, Harm?"

"Yeah."

"I'm feeling a little breeze."

Harm realizes what I mean, and to be sure, he looks down my back at the opening in my gown. He spends just a second too long looking down there, but I'll forgive him for it. Quickly he reaches down and closes the gap. "That better?"

I lean my head against his chest. "Yeah, thanks. I don't know what I'm going to do about clothes, they cut mine off."

"You're in luck. Someone was feeling rather charitable and gave me a set of scrubs for you to wear, as long as you promise not to pretend to be a doctor."

"I'll take them."

"The nurse said she'd help you get dressed whenever you're ready. Which looks like now."

"Now would be good."

"I'll go get her. I'll be right back." He helps me sit back down on the bed to wait, then returns with a nurse and doctor in tow.

The doctor examines me and is satisfied that I've got a ride home, and Harm has promised he's going to look after me for a few days. "Okay, Ms. MacKenzie. Looks like you're good to go. You have a Merry Christmas."

"Thank you, doctor. You too."

Harm leaves to get the paperwork done to get me checked out while the nurse helps me dress, and before long Harm's helping me into his Corvette.

We take the ride home in relative silence, just the sound of the Christmas music playing on the radio. There it is again. All Ye Faithful. Seems I've heard that song an awful lot lately and I begin to think maybe someone's trying to tell me something.

We make it to my apartment and Harm helps me inside, steering me to the bedroom. I want to put on something more comfortable, a nice fluffy robe or flannel pajamas, but just the ride home took all the energy I had and I don't have the energy to change.

Harm helps me to bed, scrubs and booties and all, and pulls the covers over me, setting a feather-light kiss on my bruised forehead.

"Are you hungry? I could get you something…"

"Not right now, thanks."

"You look exhausted. Why don't you get some rest, then, and I'll see what I can scare up for later. Won't be anything spectacular, but whatever you want, you got it."

"Anything?"

"Well, whatever's here, anyway. There's nothing open on Christmas, but I'll do my best."

"You."

"Me?"

"Yeah. You were wrong, you know." Harm looks at me, baffled. "When you said he made me feel good and it was more than you were able to do. You're wrong about that."

"Mac…"

"No. I never knew you felt that way, and it's my fault."

"It's okay…"

"No, it's not okay, Harm. It's not okay," I insist. "You let me off way too easy, you know." I take his hand and squeeze it.

"You make me happy. You're the one who makes me feel good. Harm, you're the love of my life. And if nothing ever happens between us, if it's too late and all we'll ever be is best friends…I just wanted you to know that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. It took me a long time to get here, but it's the truth. You're the one I've been waiting for. And I love you."

"Mac…"

"And now you can run screaming from the room," I joke half-heartedly.

"That's not going to happen, because I'm in love with you, Mac." He kisses me lightly and smiles. "I promise if you stick with me, I'll never make you eat my meatless meatloaf again," he jokes.

"Now that's quite an offer," I say with a wide grin.

Harm smiles with me, but then becomes serious. "And the dream you had last night…if I could, I'd do anything to make it real for you."

"Just love me, Harm, and let me love you. I have a feeling the rest will follow."

"Me too. Merry Christmas, Mac."

"Merry Christmas."