Disclaimer: None of it belongs to me. How stupid are you?
When: Its not that important, but I imagine this happening a few years before Harry & co start Hogwarts.
Where: Hogwarts
Characters: Minerva Mcgonnagol & Sybll Trelawney
Category: Humour
AN: Another crappy funny story that only I will find funny. Ah well, I really enjoyed writing this one, actually, so it doesn't matter! This one took just over half an hour. Enjoy! (or skip it out, whichever you prefer)
CHRISTMAS VARIETY BOX
The Overgrown Bat
We are all born mad. Some of us remain so.
Samuel Beckett.
Christmas day.
A time for loving and sharing. A time for giving and receiving. A time for – oh, god.
Minerva Mcgonnagol's thoughts were interrupted as Sybll Trelawney entered the room. Oh, god. What on earth was she doing here? Why wasn't she in her tower making stupid predictions, or at the bottom of a very large lake without an air tank? Minerva wouldn't have minded either of those places. But she had to be here, of all places.
Oh no. The overgrown bat's coming over here, thought Minerva with distaste.
"Sybll," she managed. "How-" nauseating… horrific… dreadful… sickening… revolting… "…how…nice, to see you here."
"Minerva," she said melodramatically, "I'm afraid the fates do not have anything nice in store for you."
"Thank you for the warning, Sybll," Minerva replied, through gritted teeth. She is going to spout off some nonsense about 'dark shapes approaching,' now, isn't she?
"My dear, a dark shape approaches," she said theatrically. Ha, thought Minerva. One step ahead of you there.
"Thank you, Sybll. That was most…" tiresome… brainless… predictable… false… "…um…most enlightening."
"My dear, you must avoid meeting with the minister of magic, at all costs."
"I'll keep it in mind."
"You must also avoid anything cold: because of the unusual angle that Saturn is making with Venus, you are in danger of freezing to death."
"Sybll, I am not going to freeze."
"You should avoid the room opposite the front doors for I foresee a bad happening there, soon."
"That is the main hall, Sybll! It would be rather difficult to avoid it, considering we are there now."
"You should also avoid the second classroom from the North stairs on the third floor."
"Wait a minute…that is the transfiguration classroom, Sybll! I can hardly avoid that, considering I teach the subject!"
What an annoying woman! She had promised Dumbledore to try to get along with her…but this was impossible! Still…she would try, in the spirit of Christmas.
"You should also avoid anything red or blue or purple or anything made from stone."
"That's ridiculous! The castle is made of stone: I can hardly avoid it, can I?"
"Also anything that has come into contact with a hag in the last fifty years…"
"Sybll…"
"Someone you dislike is going to be in trouble in the near future…"
Sybll would be in trouble is she kept talking…hang Dumbledore! He must know he was asking the near impossible!
"Avoid children and women, but you can keep in contact with men. But don't touch their hands for that will bring you in danger of money loss."
"Sybll, I cannot avoid children, considering I am a teacher, nor can I avoid women because many of my colleagues are women. And why would touching men's hands make me in danger of money loss…no, don't answer that…" Too late.
"So glad you asked, my dear. The unusual way in which the planets were aligned at your birth is but three stages away from how it is now. So, touching men's hands, where you might come into contact with the money line means that…"
Minerva was loosing patience and composure, fast.
"Sybll…"
"Avoid anyone with overly large front teeth and anyone who is in possession of a pink highlighter. Avoid purple hair bands, websites to do with emus…"
What on earth was a website?
"…green and yellow things, but only if they have stripes, anything to do with dolphins, people who ask strange questions about long dead relatives, purple flying cats…"
When the hell would she ever come into contact with a purple flying cat?
"… any kind of meat substitute, playing cards that have not had the jokers taken out, muggles, all types of scissors apart from blue ones, they're fine. Ah….let me see: also avoid conditioner, awkward silences, pyramids, scientific calculators…"
This was ridiculous! She didn't even know what half the rubbish Sybll was going on about, was!
"… random things, slimy things, things with large ears, things that enjoy tennis and it would really be in your best interests to avoid lip balm too. Also you should avoid coming into contact with anything magic…"
"Magic! We live in a magic school! How on earth could that be possible?"
"Please, Minerva, you are disturbing the vibes…I see you should avoid anything with the letter 'b' in the name of it…"
"Sybll, really…" Minerva couldn't keep calm much longer. Her hand balled into a fist…
"I see you should avoid anything that has spots or-"
SMACK
Ha, betcha didn't see that coming, Sybll!
AN: Yay! Well, fine, be like that! I enjoyed it anyway! Read and review or whatever… if you've been put off forever then I am very sorry. Ah well, I enjoy this madness at least!