Artemis Fowl/ASOUE Crossover Chapter One: Artemis's Predicament
Mero: This fic really stinks! Well, the part I wrote does, anyways. My friend Bailey started working on the fic with me after I wrote chapter two! So, I thanketh her much. And, I don't follow either of the books EXACTLY, but I think I got pretty close. BUT PLEASE don't flame me about some little detail about the book I got wrong (Such as, the one bed that is in Arty's room) BECAUSE THAT WAS FOR A REASON! Thank you, and enjoy!
Muse #863672-03 (AKA Professorhead): Merodii-chan doesn't own Artemis Fowl OR A Series of Unfortunate Events, because she is a no-talent nobody who can't write worth poopy.
He walked into what he guessed was the administrative building, which he didn't know took away his silverware privileges for the day. Quite horrid violin playing could be heard behind the door marked "Vice Principal". Artemis knocked. The man on the other side of the door knocked back. "What a buffoon," Artemis muttered under his breath. "What a buffoon," the man mocked, slinging the door open.
Artemis stepped into the office. "Good morning, Mr...," he glanced at the nameplate on the horrid violinist's desk, "Nero."
"Good morning, Mr. Nero," the man mimicked Arty yet again, "It's Vice Principal Nero to you!" His voice had changed from a mimic to a bark, and the bark sounded as though it were coming from a flea-infested, malnourished, thirsty dog, "And I'm the greatest violinist EVER!" Artemis snickered, not only at the man's overall stupidity, but also at his looks. He was tall and fat, bald, except for hair kept in pigtails above his ears.
"What's your name, boy?" (Ha.. That redneck.)
"Artemis Fowl the Second."
"Well, Artemis Fowl THE SECOND, where are your papers with a PARENT SIGNATURE?" Nero put quite the emphasis on "parent signature", because quite alot of orphans had been coming in lately. (Well, only three, but... This is Nero we're talking about here.)
Artemis smiled, pulling a handful of papers from his black leather portfolio. (GASP! That poor cow!) And shoved them into Nero's grubby hands. Nero scanned over the papers quickly, proceeding to explain the rules of the school. (If you'd even consider it a school.)
"And, since you came into the administrative building, no silverware!" Nero smiled, still clutching his violin (Artemis would bet money that Nero had romantic feelings for his violin, which is very... Different.), "And don't be late for my concert!"
Artemis bowed again as he left the room (Wait... He bowed a first time?), ideas for revenge racing through his extremely intellegent mind.
His room was... Quite boring, actually. A bowl of fruit was resting on a sloppily made bed. There was a small electrical outlet and a wooden desk. Oooooh... Exciting. All of a sudden, a rather pug-looking girl with dark curls rudely trampled into the room, "I'm Carmelita Spats," she said, flipping her unruly curls, "And you're my roommate." She raised her index finger to the sloppily made bed, "And that's my bed, so you'll be sleeping on the floor, cakesniffer!" She chortled and skipped away into the hall.
"Oh, and cakesniffer!" she yelled from the hall, "Lunch is starting!" What a foul, disgusting girl.
Artemis decided to go to lunch, though he'd be quite silverware-less.
The cafeteria was a medley of strange smells, strange decorations, and even stranger people. Artemis saw that the cafeteria mass-produced jiggly pudding and a strange substance they tried to pass off as lasagna. Artemis could also automatically identify the snob table, because Carmelita was sitting there. Oooooh.. How Artemis wished he could see her curls ripped violently out of her scalp. (Just wait until chapter six, Artemis...)
Our hero picked up a tray of jiggly pudding and lasagna-ey substance. He reached for a fork, but a cafeteria worker lashed his pale hand with a greasy spatula, "No silverware for the new kid." Artemis shot the large woman one of his I-am-the-boss-around-here glares, and the woman whimpered and scurried off. And, just to be a total pain in the neck, Artemis took two forks and went to the only open seat he saw.
At his table, Artemis had one fork in each hand, both aimed at Public Enemies No. 1 & 2: Carmelita Spats and Nero.
"Already plotting against Carmelita, I see!" the girl sitting next to Artemis said, "You know...," she giggled, "I'm not really suprised..." Artemis just glanced at her, but stayed silent. She didn't want to be ignored (Gah! Annoying!) so, she began to introduce her group of friends to him, "I'm Isadora Quagmire! And this," she pointed to a person sitting next to her, "is my brother Duncan!" Duncan waved at Arty, who blissfully ignored them. "And, these are the Baudelaires! Violet, Sunny, and Klaus!" Isadora pointed to the three people sitting across from them. Klaus smiled and said, "Hi." Violet waved. And Sunny gave a toothy grin. Sunny was still a baby; and Artemis was befuddled at how she could be going to this school. (Artemis? Befuddled? All is wrong with the world!) So, Artemis had a peaceful lunch: Nero, fat lunchlady, and Carmelita Spats-free!
But, of course, there was that six hour concert for Arty to cause problems at...
Artemis sat in the very back, and had brought his laptop computer to the "concert". So, for SIX hours, he had cotton stuffed in his ears and a computer glowing in his face.
This was one twisted-as-hell school.