Anime Celebrity Jeoprady

Author Notes: Look people, I KNOW that they're OOC, that's why it's funny, kapeesh? Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, and be assured that I'm working dilligently on getting my other fics updated ASAP. Happy Holidays everyone!

Disclaimer: All characters, places, and other copyrighted material mentioned in this fic are the property of their respective owners, and do not belong to me.

Second Episode: Kuwabara, Vegeta, and Clover

(On a sound stage, various anime and cartoon characters are busily trying to get the set ready for the next show. Whasshu is cackling evilly while she installs a laser defense grid inside the stage lights, Ryouga gets lost in the janitor's closet, and Heero Yuy keeps various weaponry trained on everybody to insure productivity. Finally the stage is set and everybody goes behind the scenes; except for Ryouga, who somehow found his way into the girl's shower room and is busy being turned into a little pile of unrecognizable organic matter by various enraged females, including Asuka Soryu Langley, Lina Inverse, and the Dirty Pair, most of whom Ryouga mistook for Ranma's girl side. Especially Lina since he commented on Ranma shrinking her breasts down. Let us all say a prayer for the poor lost pig's soul. Now, on to business! Jaken is forced onto the stage by Heero at gunpoint.)

Jaken: I have been... "asked" to keep this short. (sweatdrops nervously) From the city of Tokyo-3, I give you your host, Shessomaru-sama!!!

(Shessomarou steps onto the sound stage, only to be mobbed by dozens of rabid fan girls. Heero walks on stage with a gas mask and a shirt with the words "security" on it. He throws several gas grenades into the mass of bodies, causing the fan girls to faint, leaving Shessomaru undamaged save for ripped clothes and lots of lipstick markings. Urd teleports onto the set through one of the tv screens and fixes Shessomaru up in a flash, wearing one of her usual skimpy bodysuits with the words "makeup" on it.)

Shessomaru: Thank you Mr. Yuy, if I actually liked humans you'd be one of them, what with your ruthless personality. And Miss Urd, while I appreciate your timely changing of my garments and restoration of my glorious features, why did you slip your address and a pack of condoms into my pocket?

Urd:(winks seductively) It's called a hint, stud-boy.

Shessomaru:(sweatdrops) This Shessomaru is feeling disturbed. Now, let us get on with this travesty, so that I can find out who these "SEELE" are and kill them all for sponsoring this ridiculous show. Our first guest is the "honorary Spirit Detective", whose stupidity is only exceeded by his misplaced arrogance, laughable honor code, and total lack of power or skill. Feel free to laugh at the moron known as Kuwabaka from the series Yu Yu Hakusho.

Kuwabara: That's The Great Kuwabara, you dumb demon!

(Shessomarou's eyes flash red for a moment, and he lashes out with his energy whip, knocking Kuwabara unconscious.)

Shessomarou: Only I, the magnificent Shessomarou-sama, may address myself as "great", mortal. This sentimental fool will be playing for the Give Kittens a Home fund. Being a dog demon, I'm not at all opposed to giving young felines a good home. (Licks his lips) Now, our second guest will be the prince of the lost Saiyijin race, who has slaughtered entire worlds and crushed all in his way. A vicious, bloodthirsty monster after my own heart, I command you to give an enormous amount of applause for Vegita, from Dragonball Z.

(Vegita storms onto the sound stage, an angry scowl on his face and eyes flashing in rage.)

Vegita: WHAT THE HELL AM I, THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYIJINS, DOING IN THIS PATHETIC HUMAN DUMP?!! (blasts Jaken with an energy blast just for the hell of it)

Shessomaru: (smirking) Oh yes, I definitely like this guest. Prince Vegita will be playing for the Ban the Pan Anti-Frying Pan association.

Vegita: The damn onnas have us in their power as long as they wield those annoying metal circles connected to the metal handles! Those things are a menace to all those with Saiyijin blood! Even Kakarott cowers before his weak human mate and her "Frying Pan of Doom"!!!

Shessomarou: (nods sagely) It sounds like the situation between my pathetic half-brother and that human wench of his that seems to have him in her power. You have my sympathies. And for our final guest, from the annoyingly stereotypical cartoon show, Totally Spies, the shallow, brainless, fashion obsessed, air headed blond, Clover.

(Clover comes on stage and her eyes turn into hearts as she stares dreamily at Shessomarou.)

Shessomarou: (looks nauseated) Dammit, why do human females continuously sully my magnificence with their filthy, unwanted affections? Anyway, this wannabe cheerleader is playing for the Beverly Hills Mall's new salon, why am I not surprised. Now, let us meet the cheering sections. For the still unconscious fool, Kuwabara... well, his teammates did show up, but left in embarrassment from being associated with such an idiot. The only ones remaining are his human sister, who is too busy hanging her head in shame to leave, and the ice apparition Yukina, who let's face it is too naive to know what shame is or to understand what a loser her self-proclaimed boyfriend is.

Yukina: (oblivious, happy smile on her face, not noticing that Kuwabara is unconscious) Do your best Kazuma! I have faith in you!

Shessomaru: (shakes his head sadly) And such a nice non-human girl too. Onto Prince Vegita's cheering section, we have his eternal rival Goku, wife Bulma, and son Trunks. Which brings me to a valid question Vegita, how could a respectable non-human such as you consent to mate with one of the weak human females?

Vegita: (shrugs) We Saiyijins have only three things we consider important. Food, fighting, and fucking. It's been over thirty years since our planet was destroyed, along with all of the Saiyijin females. Even I can't hold out that long, not even out of pride.

Shessomarou: (sweatdrops) Good point. Thank the Kami that there's plenty of female demons out there in case my hormones ever get out of control. And finally, in Clover's cheering section, her equally scatter-brained friends Sam and Alex, and her relatively intelligent and overworked superior, Jerry. Now, quickly onto the categories so that we can get this over with. And the categories are; Things that go Boom, Will this Hurt?, Pointy Objects, Famous Lechers, Giant Robots, Evil Overlords, and finally.... you have got to be kidding me... ughhh... Things that are Cute. (shudders) After the last show, where it took our indecisive contestants hours to finally pick a straw, we decided to switch our selection process to Jenkan, or Rock, Paper, Scissors as the Americans call it. Of course, the idiot Kuwabara ruined that as well by constantly calling the other two on "cheating", so that took hours as well until we finally got sick and tired of his whining and gave him the first turn. Of course, seeing as how he's unconscious, Prince Vegita, you may go first.

Vegita: (arrogantly) Of course I'm going first! I'm the Prince of all Saijiyans, superior to these pathetic, weak humans in every conceivable way!

Shessomaru: (happy smirk) Oh yes, I'm definitely adding you to the small list of people I actually respect. Now, how about Famous Lechers...

Vegita: Roshi.

Shessomaru: That's correct, for two hundred points "Which famous lecher lives alone on a small island out in the middle of the ocean?", the answer is indeed Master Roshi, Goku's teacher in the martial arts. Now, another famous lecher for four hundred...

Vegita: Roshi.

Shessomaru: Once again, correct. "Which lecher has the highest ratio of being slapped or hit by blue haired females?" Finally, for five hundred...

Vegita: Roshi.

Shessomaru: Errrr, good guess, sadly it's incorrect.

Vegita: WHAT?!! HOW CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE A BIGGER LECHER THAN THAT PERVERTED OLD FOOL OF A HUMAN?!!

Shessomaru: As I was about to say, "Which famous lecher works as a mercenary soldier in the series Full Metal Panic?", and the answer was Kurz Weber. Sadly, the board is now yours, Miss Clover.

Clover: (hearts in eyes) And I'm all YOURS, handsome.

Shessomaru: (looks like he's going to hurl) Erk. Just choose a category human wench.

Clover: I'll take Evil Overlords for five hundred.

Shessomaru: Very well, "Which character, famous for destroying an ancient utopian society, and known for her casual cruelty to her underlings, is often referred to as Queen B, or the queen bitch of anime?"

Clover: My math teacher.

Shessomaru: ..... And this would be why you'll never graduate from high school, human. Now, since the ugly human fool is still not capable of coherent speech, Prince Vegita, it's your tur...

Kuwabara: (springing to his feet) Hah! That barely tickled demon! Nobody can beat the great Kuwabara! (totally ignores the fact that he's wobbling on his feet like a drunk)

Shessomaru: (disappointed look) Damn, and here I was hoping that I'd killed him.

Kuwabara: Shut up and give me a question!

Shessomaru: Sigh... Jaken, take a note, slaughter this fool after the show.

Jaken: Yes, Shessomaru-sama!

Shessomaru: Now, to totally humiliate you, although you do a fine job of that all by yourself idiot human, let's go with Things That Are Cute for three hundred.

Vegita: (approving smirk) You are pure evil.

Shessomaru: Thank you. Now, "Which species of small, cute animals that are alien to the planet are easily angered and can multiply rapidly?"

Kuwabara: KITTIES!

Shessomaru: Do you even know the meaning of the word "alien"? No, the answer is the Martian teddy bears, Puuchu, from the series Excel Saga.

Kuwabara: Hey! You got a problem with cats punk?!

Shessomaru: Actually no, I love cats, especially with garlic and Tabasco sauce.

Kuwabara: ........... Huh?

Shessomaru: sigh... I see that I was too subtle for you to understand.

Clover: This guy, is like, a total moron, you know?

Shessomaru: A truly damning statement if I've ever heard one. The board is yours, Vegita.

Vegita: I have a question.

Shessomaru: (curious) Yes?

Vegita: (pointing at Kuwabara) Can I hurt the fool?

Kuwabara: Hey! Who're you calling a fool, shorty?!

Shessomaru: (smirking) Yes, yes you may.

(Vegita starts introducing Kuwabara to the concept known as "The Human Pretzel".)

Shessomaru: Jaken! Get me a recliner and some popcorn so that I can properly enjoy this entertaining spectactle! (Jaken quickly gets a Lazy Boy and a bowl of popcorn, and Shessomarou sits down, eating popcorn and occasionally laughing as another one of Kuwabara's bones snaps. Heero Yuy walks out onto the stage.)

Heero: (typical Heero Yuy glare at the television audience) Due to our host being... occupied... I have been ordered to complete this civilian tansmission. (turns to the contestants, although only Clover's paying attention since Vegeta's too busy trying to invent a 368th way to turn a human being inside out with his bare hands, however she's not really listening since she's too busy drooling over Heero with new little hearts in her eyes) You will follow my orders as you would the established host, (gestures to Shessomarou who's busy giving Vegita tips on how best to skin Kuwabara while leaving him relatively alive) or you will be shot. (Heero points an MP-5 sub-machinegun that he pulled out of nowhere at the contestants, only to have young John Conner from Terminator 2 run onto the set)

John Conner: Hey! No killing! You just can't kill anybody you want to! Besides, this is still a PG-13 fic!

Heero: (scowling) Orders... confirmed. Mission accepted. No fatalities. (puts the gun away) Now then, Miss Clover, since you're the only contestant currently available to answer questions, I'll give you an easy one, Giant Robots for one hundred. "This advanced mobile suit, constructed in Space Colony L-1 by the partially mechanical Dr. J, is made of an indestructibile metal alloy known as Gundanium and hails from the Gundam Wing series, which is actually named after this particualr Gundam, also known as Gundam 01, and is piloted in the first part of the series by the character often referred to as 'the Perfect Soldier', with it's most noticable features being it's Buster Rifle, ability to transform into an aircraft, and it's large wings. Which Gundam is this?" Once again, for one hundred dollars, "Which GUNDAM from the GUNDAM WING series has WINGS?"

Clover: (excited) Oooohhhh, this is easy! EVA Unit 01!

Heero: ........ Omae o korosu. (whips out a pistol and shoots Clover in the kneecaps)

John Conner: (screaming hysterically) Hey! I thought I told you not to kill anyone!

Heero: (slips a pair of sunglasses on and stares at John blankly) She'll live.

Shessomarou: (steps up behind Heero) Excellent work Mr. Yuy, I couldn't have handled the wench better myself. Sadly, Mr. Kuwabara finally passed out from the pain, and it's just no fun to watch human bodies being contorted into unnatural shapes without the accompanying screams of agony. You're dismissed.

Heero: Mission...accomplished. (puts away the pistol and goes backstage again)

Shessomarou: Now, since Mr. Kuwabara will be needing about four decades of intense therapy before he'll be able to drink Jello through a straw, and since Miss Clover is on the ground clutching her kneecaps and making the most lovely screams as she bleeds to death, I think we can go right ahead and skip Final Jeporady and proclaim Prince Vegita the winner.

Vegita: (haughtily) As if there was ever any doubt! Although appearing on this farce they call a television program makes me feel... sullied.

Shessomarou: Take my advice, several dozen long, Long, LOOOOONNNNGGGG showers will help. So fortunately that's all the time we have, tune in next time and I, the great Shessomarou-sama, will personally hunt you down and exterminate you so that your idiocy doesn't further weaken your pathetic race. (calls offstage) Jaken! Come here, I'm in the mood to maim something! (whimpering comes from offstage as the program ends.)

Next Episode: Magneto, Gendo Ikari, and Big Boss, a.k.a. The Worst Father Awards

Author's notes- Ok people, from now on Crossover Celebrity Jeporady is a request based fanfiction. So review and let me know who you want to see in future episodes. This can be any character from any anime, cartoon, manga, comic book, videogame, television show, movie, or book, although I'd appreciate it if we focused on anime and cartoons. If I'm familiar with the character, then I will definitely use them... eventually. Until next time, ja ne!