Capítulo Tres: Un Banquete Lleno de Acontecimientos
"This is it, Severus. Your day of reckoning has arrived. The fashion in which you deal with this menace will shape your entire existence. Whatever you do…don't…do…what you did…at the reunion…" People wondered how Snape could always maintain his wisely calculated degree of serene sinisterness. Truth was, all his remarkable talent took was a little reflection pep-talk before he left the office. "You have to be very forceful with your mirrored self. It's the key to self-control," he muttered… His reflection rolled its black eyes and slipped him the finger. "Don't back sass me!" he prepared to command, before the heavy cedar door banged opened.
"Did someone say fashion???"
Seguro jumped into the room and embraced his older brother. Snape, furious at having his pep-talk interrupted, struggled in his brother's arms.
"Let me go!" Snape demanded.
The grip became tighter. Seguro was absolutely thrilled to see his only sibling. He buried his face in his brother's greasy hair and began sobbing. "Oh, I love you, Sevie! I've missed you so much! I'm so glad to see you!" Seguro squealed.
Snape fell to the floor and his little brother showered his face in kisses. Neither had any idea that a lost first year had wandered into the Potions classroom and was watching them through a small window in the office door. As she witnessed two men kissing her innocence shattered. A few years afterwards she would join Voldemort and get a part time job as a Muggle lesbian stripped and would be arrested for murdering a pair of gay men. The police would drag her to a prison and during the chaos she would kick a depressed bystander who would then commit suicide and change the fate of the universe. No one would have blamed the Snape brothers.
Seguro froze and said, "I found this wonderful hair product that did miracles for my hair. Would you like to try it? And I have some extra crest white strips, too…"
"No…good…God…be…professional!" Snape gasped from within the corset-like vice grip, then, fidgeting, finally freed himself. Gulping down the sweet, sweet dungeon air, he rose shakily to his feet, using the desk to support himself. "Pull yourself together, man! You are an adult and a teacher!"
"A teacher who LOVES HIS BROTHER!!" Seguro contradicted as a number of crescendo-ing violins began a dramatic score. Before he became enveloped in another bone-crunching embrace, Snape blanched and reflexively chucked a dead pig floating in formaldehyde at his head. The music ceased and, though the jar simply bounced off of his hair shield, Seguro seemed deeply hurt. Deeply hurt.
"Whydoyoualwayshavetodotha-haaaaaaaat? I only wanted t-t-to help you with your hope-less aesthetics but you won't ever TALK TO ME!!" he sobbed incoherently, rending his flamenco ruffles, tearing at his silken hair, gnashing his lustrous teeth, the magnitude of his purging nearly Biblical. "What'd I doooo?!"
"What did you do?" Snape repeated bitterly, as if a minor spitting out his first taste of alcohol. "What did you do? You're a disgrace to our family's name! You're vain! You think you're Spanish! And as if I didn't loathe you enough to begin with, you took my job!"
"I am Spanish!" he retorted, his expression panicked.
"No, you are not!" roared Snape, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him back to reality. "You're a self-deceiving British man! Take off the caps, Seguro, and you'll see the horrid teeth that are truly yours!"
"Sevie, I don't have horrid teeth. I visit my dentist and orthodontist frequently! My teeth are great! I've had second place in the Most Charming Smile Award 5 years in a row! After that damned Lockhart! But he's old school now! This year that award is mine! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The lights flickered dramatically while Seguro cackled among the disgusting jars and vials in his brother's office. Snape stared with a single, thin, black eyebrow raised.
"Why does this concern me? I'm not that fond of you, if you haven't caught on yet, and your obsession with my lack of 'glamour' isn't helping matters."
Seguro's black eyes took on a slightly insane glint, and he flashed those white beauties again. Snape winced. "You know, we really do look alike," Seguro pointed out, positioning Snape beside himself in the pep-talk mirror. In actuality, the complete absence of resemblance was laughable. It looked as if maybe, a long time before, there had been a common, large-nosed ancestor, but the two species it fathered had branched out… one race lived in a dank cave, the other was content with drinking margaritas in the sweltering sun. "We could be two of a kind. Maybe if we just tweaked the hair a bit… put a little color in those cheeks…and, god, if you would just smile…"
"THIS ISN'T QUEER GIZZARD FOR THE STRAIGHT WIZARD, SEGURO!" Snape gritted out, teeth chipping visibly with a sawing sound. "LEAVE…NOW!!!!"
"That's my favorite show," Seguro whimpered.
"ARG!" Snape screeched, pulling at his greasy hair.
"Mommy used to get stressed, too. She always felt better on Mother's Day when I paid for her to go to the spa. You could use a trip to the spa," Seguro suggested.
"I am not laying on a table naked while complete strangers slather me in lotions!" Snape roared.
"Mommy liked it-"
"I DON'T CARE! I HATE THAT WOMAN!" Snape yelled, throwing opened the door and pointing to the exit.
"You hate Mommy?"
"YES! GET OUT!"
Seguro rushed from the room, tears cascading from his black eyes like waterfalls. Students later wondered why the new professor had been wandering through the halls towards the Great Hall screaming for his Mommy.
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It really would have helped Snape's reputation if the students had been informed of his relation to the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. However, so jovial was the high-spirited Dumbledore, that he forgot his speech entirely, except for a few choice words (Cummerbund! Norkie! Eel!). All the impressionable students (including one recently sorted, unnaturally pale and thin Hufflepuff) knew that there was a strange, good-looking man sitting in an irritable Snape's lap, contentedly lapping at a large lollipop.
"I seriously hope he's Snape's brother," Ron whispered, holding Sir Barthalumulimsington IV to his bare chest in an attempt to breast feed it. "There are children in here."
He realized he was sitting alone without Harry (left at the station) and Hermione (dragged to Azkaban for using an illegal curse). So, he moved down to sit with the other sixth years.
"Now my Bogart is Snape and that man having bum sex," Neville whimpered. "Is there any way to 'riddikulus' that?"
No one bothered to merit that question with an answer, but all held their stomachs queasily. In the midst of a gross-out epidemic, Hagrid approached, swaying from the amount of diet soda he had consumed. So simple minded was the half-giant that he could get positively hammered from Kool-Aid if he was told that it was spiked.
" ''''''' ''''' ''''''''''' ''''' '''?" he asked, hiccupping.
"Oh, hi Hagrid," Ron replied, pressing Sir Barthalumulimsington's limp body to his shoulder and patting him gently. "She got carted off to Azkaban."
" '''''?? '''''' '''' ''''''' ''' '' ''''' '''''''?!"
"Yes, she tried to kill a teacher. Now, quiet down, will you? Little Barty is trying to sleep," Ron scolded the overly-loud colossus.
" '', ''''', ''…'''''' '''''''?" he pressed, pulling out an empty chair and plopping into it with an audible "thwump".
"Hm…I'm not sure," Ron shrugged, rocking the rotting owl corpse back and forth. "I guess in the WC."
" ''' '''' '''''' ''''' ''''' '''''''' ''''?" Hagrid inquired incredulously through a turkey leg.
"That's right. Don't talk with your mouth full."
" ''''''? ''' ''''' ''''' ''''' ''''''''''''!" Hagrid laughing, roughly tousling Barty's feathers. Several fell out, and Ron shrieked.
"MY BAYBEEE!!!"
About that time, Professor McGonagall approached, and jammed a giant hypodermic needle full of rhinoceros sedative into Hagrid's ample buttocks. When the students stared at her in question, she sniffed disdainfully. "I had my eye on that turkey leg."
From across the room, a blonde girl's ruby, slit eyes narrowed with mirth. Though the sorting incident had caught him- no, her- off guard, and to say the least angered her momentarily, the great lummox's humiliation amused her in a sadistic way. With some difficulty, she pushed her large, thrashing chest from her line of sighed in order to get a better view. The Bludgers would have none of it, and expressed their irritation by hitting her squarely in the flat, reptilian nose. Shouting obscenities, she stood (at least seven feet tall) and fought back valiantly. However, Hagrid had begun to fall, so, in light of that, no one acknowledged the tall Hufflepuff being pummeled by her own breasts. No one, that is, except Ginny Weasley.
"I feel strangely connected to that girl…as if she once controlled my mind…" Ginny muttered to herself. "Nice rack, too."
Oblivious to all, Hagrid fell in dramatic slow motion, rotated in the air, all the while yelling, " ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''…!" The floor cracked when he made impact, and the quake caused the entire school to shudder.
Coincidentally, since the Great Hall was a dome, the only chunk of plaster that could have possibly loosened was above the Ravenclaw table. Even more coincidentally, though this plaster had held fast through the countless decades, it chose that precise moment to crumbled and fall.
Since Cho Chang is the only Ravenclaw we know and/or care about, she was the first to die, and her death was the most painful. For some reason she decided to stand at that precise moment while the actually intelligent Ravenclaws dove under the table. The first thing the falling ceiling hit was Cho's head, which sort of caved into her neck. Her spine cracked into thousands of pieces and the leaking magic gave her six testicles on her forehead and turned her skin purple. This all happened in very slow motion. She was dead before she hit the floor. All the other Ravenclaws died as well, but they might as well have been dead to begin with.
"My, my, so much death!" Dumbledore chuckled jovially, motioning to a horrified Flitwick, who had just watched his entire house perish in a frame of two or three seconds. "Contact their parents, will you? All right, off to bed!"
Everyone was so utterly disillusioned that they obeyed.