Capítulo Cuatro: The First Potions Lesson (aka I got bored of translating into Spanish)

During the Ravenclaw incident at the feast, Snape had snuck out from the Great Hall without Seguro noticing. His bedroom was hidden, not even the Weasley twins knew where it was. He climbed into bed and buried himself under the black sheets.

The next morning he woke slowly and wrapped his arms around the person in bed beside him. "I love you, Sirius," he moaned, still half asleep.

"Sirius? Silly, it's me," came the voice of his brother.

"SEGURO!" Snape cried, shoving his brother away. "GET OUT OF MY BED!"

Seguro tumbled from the bed, revealing to his brother that he was completely nude.

"OH GOD!" Snape cried, shielding his eyes. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

"My friend Fitch called and said it was Nudie Day," he replied, yawning and wiping the sleep from his eyes. "I've been naked since midnight." Snape blanched, struck by a sudden desperate need to shower. "Hey…why are you clothed?" Seguro asked, eyes lighting up. "Get in the Holiday Spirit! Take it off!"

"No…! I never!" Snape sputtered, horrified by the very concept of nudity. So blindingly pale was his bare body that he bleached the towel whenever he showered, the true reason for his objection to a striptease was the safety of his brother's vision.

Seguro, being much stronger than Severus due to his dancing lessons, tackled his brother to the ground and attempted to tear his shirt off. Snape kicked and protested so stubbornly that even though Seguro had ripped his shirt off, it would be impossible to remove his pants, which is unfortunate for Snape fan girls who would give their thumbs to see him pantless.

But, as Seguro continued stripping away the many layers of his brother's clothes, he made a shocking observation. "Sevie! YOU'RE TAN!"

"No I'm not!" protested Severus, attempting to hide his bronze godlike flesh.

"But you told me that you were pale! You lied!" Seguro wailed, pounding on his brother's sun kissed…uh…gene kissed pectorals.

"No, actually I never said that," Snape said, pulling out a book from thin air and flipping through its pages. "The authors said it in the description."

Seguro took the book from his brother and scanned the table of contents. "Man, you and I do some extreme stuff later on!"

Another book popped out of no where and Snape's eyes grew wide with shock. "Sirius and I do what?!" he cried.

"Sevie, that's the wrong fanfic…"

"Oh…" Snape mumbled, tossing the book over his shoulder. "Well….the authors said that I was pale, I never did."

Very suddenly, two girls popped out from under Snape's bed.

"They're on to us, Perry!" Nicole realized, pulling on Snape's black cloak as she bolted to the windowsill.

"RUN!!" Perry yelled, looking very ridiculous in Snape's oversized robes.

Then Nicole was holding a massive 6-foot pastrami sub sandwich. "Get on!" she beckoned, and mounted it urgently. Perry leapt clumsily and clung to the end. With a last, "WE'RE SORRY SNAPE!!" they were out of the window and into the sunrise, sesame seeds flying behind them like a sparkling fairy trail.

"…That…that was strange…" Snape assessed, blinking in the direction that their grand exit had been performed.

"Haha!" Seguro laughed. "Now you'll have to be naked today! Those girls stole your clothes!"

Snape winced. "No…I have some clothes…"

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Ron was going into labor again. He couldn't really stop the laughing, but with Harry and Hermione nowhere to be found, there wasn't even a hand to hold. Desperate, he consented to squeeze Sir Barty's feathery corpse into oblivion, until the owl's sickly eyes were bursting grotesquely from their sockets, and its talons were jutting out stiffly like a… well, rest assured, they were stiff.

Speaking of stiff, Draco Malfoy, Slytherin prefect, had gone just that at the sight of his Potions master. Wait…to rephrase, his entire body had become petrified. Besides Ron, his reaction was the only one this dramatic. Around him, the other Slytherins were holding their sniggers for fear of being abused later that day.

At the front of the class, Snape was attempting to look completely normal. He was failing miserably. Aside from the fact that his expression was one of complete embarrassment, his unfortunate clothing choice added to an overall image of patheticness. His wardrobe, head to toe, was comprised entirely of past "gifts" from Seguro. Gracing his feet were a pair of adorable Poogle © slippers (age 23), his exposed and surprisingly toned legs seemed to be swathed in tan nylons. Ron's water broke at the disturbing, yet strangely hilarious realization that Snape, meanest teacher in history, was wearing pantyhose. It was like a wonderful dream that you told your friends about.

Moving on up, in place of pants, or shorts even, Snape donned an attractively tight pair of plaid boxers (age 12- "these are your house colors, right?") in the proud Gryffindor burgundy and gold. Draco' s paralysis broke, and he dissolved into violent (yet SHEXAY!) convulsions. And finally, Snape wore his tequila t-shirt (last year), which was the most shocking of all because apparently he was wearing pantyhose on his arms as well, cut off at the wrists. Ron writhed in pain.

"If any of you say anything, you'll all have detention until summer!" Severus snarled, veins pulsing on his pale forehead. "Make whatever you want, but you'll be testing it yourselves. I hope you don't mess up." The glint in his black eyes told otherwise.

Snape stormed into his office, leaving the class giggling, Draco spasming, and Ron attempting to breast feed Sir Barty while going through child birth again.

Across the room, at the wise instruction of their professor, Seamus, Neville, and Dean were emptying the student store room of ingredients and dumping them all into Seamus's bubbling cauldron. "What d'you think it will do?" asked Dean excitedly, dumping in a box of dried buffalo scrotum.

"Dunno…" Seamus replied, watching, enraptured, as it fizzed a neon orange.

Huffing, Neville upturned a huge barrel of rabbit guts into the vat. Thought such a large amount of internal organs shouldn't have physically fit in the already overtaxed pewter cauldron, they sloshed into place without a hitch. "If Snape made me disembowel them, by gum, I'm gonna use them!" Neville cried.