In which the Author shamelessly borrows from more pop culture.
A portly man in military rushed down the stairs of an old house, huffing and puffing, while adjusting his hair and mustache. as he reached the bottom of spiral ,an old wrinkled something came shooting out of the ivory marble hearth. A mutinous looking house elf disentangled himself and limped over to a nearby window tracking soot on the Persian rugs and Italian tile. He did not notice the older man watching him. "Erhem-hem." Kreacher jumped and turned to look at the unexpected observer, as the fireplace spat out two more guests. standing by the grate they looked bewilderedly at the Kreacher and the luxury they had just been dropped into. " Welcome to Loch Kelspe Esta-" the fireplace roared again and six people fell out in quick succession, causing the other two people two find themselves on the floor again. A large elderly woman dressed in a maids uniform emerged from a side door and quickly bustled over to help the people untangle themselves before the last guest arrived. And quickly he did, landing smoothly and straightening himself to his full height. Two people squeaked as they realized who it was. "He,-Erhem, welcome to Loch Kelspe Estate," The man in khakis puffed up his chest and said, " Please come now, after me. Dinner is being served."
The dining room at Loch Kelspe was the type of place that you could tell had once been very nice. But years of apparent un-use had altered that. The grimy chandelier was full of cobwebs, the Oriental rug puffed dust when it was stepped upon and the table was covered in layers of even more dirt, and a stale stagnant odor filled the air. Compared to the opulent foyer it was straight crummy. The diners arranged themselves around the table on grayish silk covered chairs, which looked as though they had been white once upon a time, with the mustached mystery man at the head. The maid had brought out the meal of lamb chops and shepherds pie. They ate in uncomfortable silence. It was only after the plates had been cleared and dessert (Death by Chocolate cake) had been served, did the man at the head of the table speak. "I'm sure you're all wondering what's going on." There was a murmur of assent as everyone looked up from his or her cake. "Well let me begin by introducing myself. I am colonel Alexander Mustard-" someone at the table snorted. " And you are here for a competition of sorts. A game if you will." Everyone was definitely paying attention now. " You are 'playing' for a 'prize'" he said calmly putting air quotes around the words 'playing' and 'prize' "What do you mean 'prize'."
The dark haired girl the end of end of the table interjected in an interested albeit rude tone. "Bellatrix Black, right." Mustard said disdainfully. It wasn't a question. " I cannot tell you, but you will know when you find it if you find it. The rules are simple enough. You cannot kill anyone, but apart from that no one and nothing is off limits. No magic is permitted, and yo-" There was a slight disturbance at these words but Colonel Mustard plowed on. "You will find that you wands have been confiscated and any other power you may have possessed is currently inactive. The only two areas of the grounds that are out of bounds are the wine cellar and the herb garden." The colonel looked at his audience. Many of them looked apprehensive or disturbed, but no one looked genuinely worried, so he went on. "You will be assigned rooms and one roommate. They follow as such: Tom Riddle and Albus Dumbledore/Lily Evans and Ginny Weasley/ Bellatrix Black and Sirius Black/James Potter and Draco Malfoy /Delores Umbridge and Kreacher. I trust that everyone will be satisfied with these arrangement." But the uproar surrounding the table that had been silent moments before suggested otherwise. Voldemort was ranting to invisible spectators, Draco and James were trying to stare each other down, Dumbledore had his head in his hands, Kreacher was muttering furiously, Umbridge had collapsed into tears and the Black cousins were literally at each other's throats, blaming the other for the most unpleasant turn of events. The only people who were truly calm were the two redheads, who seemed quite happy with their fortune as opposed to what they apparently could have been. "Please, PLEASE!" Colonel Mustard shot his gun and a deathly quiet overtook the room once more. " The cook, Mrs. White will show you to your rooms." " Hopefully they'll be in better condition than this dump." Malfoy drawled as the congregation exited the room. "Shut up Ferret boy." Ginny retorted. "Oh… Well, of course, this must be paradise, compared to the hovel you were raised in." Ginny swiftly kicked Draco in the back of the knee as she passed him to catch up to her roommate.
Albus Dumbledore lay asleep in his bed, with his spectacles on. As the wizard on the other side of the room shifted in his sleep, muttering something about Jesus sandals and Ghostbusters gloves, a strange puce coloured glow washed over the headmaster. Slowly his old body transformed into that of a small greenish black bird that resembled and underfed vulture. The bird slept on and was still wearing a pair of half moon glasses.