Disclaimer: I do not own 'The Zeta Project'. I do not own any of its characters. I deeply appreciate Robert Goodman as the creator of 'The Zeta Project' and all 'The Zeta Project' team. So it's just a fanfic, a Christmas gift for Robert Goodman, for the TZP team and for all TZP fans.
A/N In this fanfic Zee has a material covering over his synthoid's body. More details about this idea, you can find in Chapter Three of my fanfic 'You Need Me'. The thoughts of the characters are bolded and marked with '' If you want to see the fanarts I drew as illustrations of my Christmas fanfic, you can check my DeviantArt account, the link is on my profile page.
As English isn't my native language I want to thank Imajine for her editing work on this story.
And I highly recommend you to read Imajine's TZP Christmas stories "All I Want For Christmas" and "White Christmas" and Clutzattack's Christmas story in Episode 3 of her TZP fanfic.
Zee's Heart
by Iglika
Zee's point of view
Sitting in the car, I focused my sharp vision on the mall's front door.
I waited for Ro and I was curious and impatient.
Actually to be curious was something familiar to me, it was almost my constant condition but to be impatient was something new. Losing sight of Ro for so long was making me anxious, of course, but I was definitely more curious. And so impatient indeed, that I could call it eager. It was our fifth Christmas. Now I knew everything which could be known about this special holiday and I dared to say that I was able to understand already what Christmas meant, what the Christmas gifts meant. And that was the reason for my impatience – I awaited my gift from Ro, I anticipated the moment when I would take the pack in my hands and I would open it, finding inside what my present was. I had experienced this thrill four times so far, I knew what it was, I liked it and I waited for it. Moreover as I had no idea what Ro could come up with to buy for me this time. She had managed to invent four times presents for a synthoid who practically hadn't any need for anything. But she knew me so well. She always bought things which were connected with my endless curiosity to know more and more from the world around me, they were things connected with my immaterial needs as I had no material ones…
There she was! Ro went out carrying three huge packs. Three packs? That was strange. She had never bought me so many things at once. What was her present for me now, as it was hidden in three packs? It definitely wouldn't be placed in any Christmas stocking. I thought it would be difficult for her to invent even one small thing to buy for me this year and she had bought something so huge!
It snowed densely and Ro's blond hair became white as her pink jacket, even in this short distance between the mall's exit and the car.
Usually I didn't allow her to carry any packs at all. Everything which had to be carried was my concern, but now was different. I had promised to let her shop alone and also to let her carry what she bought alone. It was enough that I knew she had bought my present, I didn't want to ruin the surprise, so I let her put on her own the three packs in the trunk of the car. She beat the snow out of her hair and jacket, then she opened the car side door and she sat in her seat, glancing at me with a mysterious smirk. I didn't hide my astonishment and she was always glad to see me show human emotions. I was also glad about it so I gave her back a smirk too. It was interesting, indeed. My robotic nature might be considered my stronger side as some people take emotions as weakness. But exactly the tiny nuance of emotions was one of the signs which could make a machine so close to humans. And actually becoming weak as a robot, I became stronger as human… or maybe… just more real… yes, loosing my robotic nature I became more and more human…
I gave Ro a smiling glance again and I climbed down out of the car. It was my turn to buy her Christmas present while she would wait for me in the car.
Choosing a huge mall with everything possible for sale was the only way for us to keep our presents secret. If she were to walk out of a bookshop for example, it would be clear enough that she had bought me some book.
I entered the mall and headed straight to the woman's dress department. Before we made our decisions what to buy as a present to each other, we always had a 'shopping investigation tour' first. It was one of Ro's favorites pastimes and also it was a perfect way for us to hide any trace of what exactly we had chosen. So I already knew what I wanted to buy – a velvet ash-rose gown. I had two reasons to buy a gown for Ro – as we were all the time on the run, and as she was a little bit of a sporty type girl, she wore any kind of jeans and pants, as it was more comfortable and practical for her. But I knew she liked to wear gowns on holidays, she liked to make some changes for the special days as holidays and also… sometimes she liked to look more feminine. She was beautiful no matter how she was dressed, but wearing a gown and using make up, she became incredibly beautiful exactly because she became more tender, more fragile and more feminine. I had bought her a red official gown for this Christmas, it was her choice and it wasn't any secret, it was just a part of my common concern to provide her clothes. She wouldn't expect to receive a second gown as a present. It wasn't logical, it wasn't even something she dreamed for, it wasn't something she waited for from me, I didn't have to buy a second dress, she wouldn't be glad to receive such a present. And that was my second reason to choose a gown. I wanted to make my surprise different and more unusual than ever. Seeing the gown she wouldn't expect anything else as a gift from me. She would take this as one of my stupid acts when it was so difficult for me to estimate what was proper for me to do. And then I would give her my real present.
I barely stopped myself from shoving my hand through the hologram of the clothes on my chest, pulling out, from one of my compartments, a little jewelry box. No, it wasn't clever to expose among all those people, my weird ability to shove my hand through my clothes. Besides, lately, more and more often, I thought about the possibility of wearing real clothes. But Ro was always somehow wondering or should I say even skeptical about such an idea, so I didn't dare to insist. Maybe it was a foolish idea, indeed. A robot, wearing clothes. My material covering made my 'clothes' real enough, there was no need to pretend more than I actually did. I was a synthoid after all. I was a robot. And any real clothes couldn't change this fact.
Well… I… I really wanted to see again the jewel hidden in the little box inside my chest, because I was not just happy to have it for Ro, I couldn't help but being proud I was made it on my own. Yes, I was made it on my own, but there was no need to see it. I knew it perfectly well and I could just play the record of it, which was so real for me as if I watched it right now.
It was a small heart-shaped piece of porcelain, with a pink-colored rose in the middle. It was a piece from the same porcelain cup, which Casey was giving Ro. It was the only souvenir from their mother, an old family cup, which was given from generation to generation. Casey had found it, some of their relatives had keep it for years. Still searching for any trace of their parents, Casey had given it to Ro. Sometimes I played the record of this moment. With eyes full of unhidden tears, Ro had taken the cup in her hands so gently, as if she was afraid to not break it even with her slightest touch. The thought that her mother had touched this cup as well, the thought that this cup was something precious for her mother, the thought that the rose-colored roses on it were proof that her mother had loved Ro, naming her Rosalie, as she probably had liked roses… And this cup became a precious thing for Ro, her only material clue fromher mother.
I had offered to Ro to keep the cup in my compartments, as I kept Dr. Selig's watch there. Of course it would have to be packed somehow, in order to not be broken in my metal chest, but Ro refused and she was right. This cup was her clue to her parents, as the watch was my clue to Dr. Selig, who I considered as my father rather than just the scientist who had created me. If suddenly I would be caught, she would lose the cup, as it would be in my chest. She wanted to take care of it, she wanted to know it was closer to her, so she packed it and she put it in her knapsack. And she was taking care of it quite good, I had never doubted in her.
But one day…
We were in a hotel room, trying to get some rest for Ro, as always. She didn't look too often to the cup, but sometimes she needed to see it, and this was one of those times. I had gone out on the balcony to take a look around in order to be sure nothing threatened us and I didn't overhear the agents. Agent Bennet kicked down the door the moment I entered back into the room. I took Ro's hand, running backward with her on the balcony again, then I grabbed her by the waist and, using my extending arm, we managed to escape. Ro kept the cup close to her chest while I jumped and flew from roof to roof, from street lamp to street lamp or among the branches… I landed on a dark deserted street, I didn't have to turn on my light source, just in case. It was a dangerous place, it was quite possible for us to meet some gangs there, so I gave my full attention to overhearing any suspicious sounds and using my night vision, I observed every corner, every shadow… Ro stumbled in the darkness although I still held her hand, I turned to catch her, she didn't fall, but she accidentally dropped the cup and it broke into pieces over the pavement. Ro let go off my hand and she kneeled on the pavement trying to collect them, but they were so small… I kneeled as well to collect the pieces on my own, she didn't have to touch them, they were so sharp, they could cut her fingers…
"Zee, don't" she sad softly and she stopped me putting her hands over my hands. I lifted my eyes from the pavement and I met her eyes. My brave little Ro tried to swallow her tears. She knew how guilty I could feel taking this bad accident on the account of her suffering because of the renegade synthoid she traveled with…
She smiled at me. It was a very sad smile, indeed, but it was somehow bold as well, "It's impossible the cup to be collected again, Zee. The past is past, it's now that counts."
Y-yes, she had told me this when we were talking about her parents for the first time, in the robotic museum, but I knew she wasn't angry at her parents anymore, she was so confident they had some serious reason to leave…
"A cup couldn't replace a missing person, Zee. I even can't remember how my mother looked. You're here, you're with me and you're real. I told you before; you're the family I need." And saying this, she took my hand and she dragged me to stand up with her.
But the moment before to stand upright, I clenched my fingers collecting all the cup's pieces, which were under my hand. I kept them in my fist for a while, then, when I was sure she didn't look at me, I hid them in one of the compartments of my chest. I didn't know what I could do with them, they weren't all the pieces, the cup couldn't be collected indeed, but I knew – I just had to take them.
As I didn't have to recharge too often, my private time for searching in the Net and learning new things was the nighttime, while Ro slept. So I began to figure out what I could do with the porcelain pieces. Not long after that I found what I needed and knowing just what to do, I began to realize it. I worked in the nighttime again, being extremely careful to not make any noises.
I took one of the porcelain pieces and lowing my laser's gun radiation, I cut a perfect little heart, leaving in the middle the picture of the most beautiful pink-colored rose. Then I bought a proper piece of metal and melting it a little, I stuck the porcelain heart to it in order to neutralize the sharp edges. Then I added a little ring, I bought a fine jewelry chain and the necklace for Ro was ready.
Then I bought a nice little jewelry box, I put the porcelain heart there… and I put something else. A hand-written letter. I had never used my fingers to write. As the all young people around me, I had no need to write. Everyone used computers, emails and messengers. I downloaded everything I needed to learn how to hold a pen and write letters and then I bought an old fashion pen and a small paper notebook. My metal fingers were awfully clumsy but with my material covering over them, they become soft as real fingers and I got used to holding the pen without problems. To learn writing wasn't difficult for me at all and after a few written exercises, I was able to write. I folded up the paper letter several times, I placed it in a little paper envelope, I put the envelope on the bottom of the jewelry box and since then the box was hidden in one of the compartments on my chest. Ro's birthday had passed already so I kept the gift for Christmas…
Well… I was in the woman's department already. I bought the velvet gown for Ro and with the shopping bag in my hand, I went back on the mall's parking lot.
It still snowed, so I made a hologram snow over my black hair and my deep violet coat.
I approached the car, but I didn't open the trunk to put my bag there. I didn't want to peep in Ro's shopping bags. I opened the back side door and I put my bag on the back seat. Then I sat in the driver seat, but Ro didn't turn towards me, she even didn't glance at me, although she had smiled a little as an answer to my returning. She was looking at the car's window and her face was so entranced that I couldn't help but asked her what she looked at so insistently, as she couldn't see any details of the million different structures of the snowflakes. They were equal for her, just some cotton-like, white spots, falling from the sky…
Instead of becoming angry at me as usual, she laughed at my helpless naivety and she turned to look at me still smiling, "I flew, Zee."
I made my totally perplexed expression with one lifted and one frowned eyebrow, which made her laugh again. Then, still keeping my expression as dull as I could, I began to drive the car, taking the direction of our hotel. Ro ruffled my hair with the familiar gesture, which I liked not less than she, and she said smirking, "You have to try, Zee. You just have to choose a spot in the sky to look at it. But you don't have to follow the snowflakes fall. You have to look straight to this immovable spot in the sky. In a few seconds you'll begin to have the feeling that you're flying up toward the sky, passing among the motionless snowflakes and as long as you stay that way, as long you'll 'fly up', and up, and up to the sky. Nice illusion."
I was about to say, "Sure" or "I'll try" or something like this, but the words silenced somewhere inside me. I knew she didn't meant to insult me, but this, "Nice illusion" was so suitable for me. I was a nice illusion. I was a nice human illusion. And nothing more.
Ro placed her hand on my shoulder for a moment, "I'm sorry, Zee. It wasn't a hint for you, c'mon, you know that!"
I nodded trying to smile, but I knew it was a wry smile. Yes, it wasn't a hint for me, but we both were thinking the same – I was a nice illusion that was the reality.
I was beginning to be very easy offended lately, indeed. I didn't like the way I reacted, but this sensibility toward my fake humanity just grew and grew in me… I didn't know if she was aware of this, or if she knew my motivation...
But I knew the reason. And it was written in my letter.
Anyway. It was Christmas Eve tonight and I didn't have to allow any sad moods to snake between us, so I did my best to disguise my wry face.
I was choosing the longest way to our hotel. We weren't chased any longer so we could enjoy the glittering Christmas lights and all the Christmas decorations over the streets, the buildings, the trees and shop-windows of this city.
Yes, we weren't persecuted. Finally I had my freedom and traveling with me, Ro wasn't in danger anymore. It was wonderful of course, it was my first goal… but… it was a new experience for us as well, that had happened just a month ago. And I had never expected it would happen that way. I didn't find Dr. Selig, I knew he was alive, but that was all. Agent Bennet was the one who helped me and I still hardly believed that it was true. But it was. Actually the night when Ro's family's cup was crashed, was the last attack from Agent Bennet on us and it had happened merely because he wasn't ready with the evidence yet. He had collected every record of my saving people during those five years. He had added also the first part of my past, downloaded from my files in the main computer in his lab when he had tried to erase my memory, the only computer that survived after my act of anger. I was built to destroy and Bennet's intervention in my memory had unlocked my old nature. But Agent Bennet used even this to prove my innocence. I didn't hurt people. And not only in his lab. He managed to demonstrate that my missions as an Infiltration Unit before Dolan were completely failures. They were recorded merely as 'unforeseen circumstances', which suddenly prevented me from fulfilling my orders, but actually my module stopped me from killing even guilty people. Dolan's innocence had just made me realize that I didn't want to kill. Dr. Selig hadn't wanted me to be an assassin and I wasn't. Having all this proof, Bennet had made my case public enough to use people's attitude for my sake. I always knew he was a man of honour, but I was surprised for all he had done for me. I was surprised as well to see how many people remembered me and more than that – I was surprised to see that they were thankful and they were on my side. There were opinions that I have to be taken to pieces and melt down for good, indeed, but they were really less. So I received a permit for something like a 'well deserved vacation' and before its end the next month, which included the canceling of my unlimited cred card, I had to decide what kind of job I wanted to do. But it was okay for me. Being the first synthoid acknowledged as a free citizen, I felt uneasy to have this uncommon card and spend money, which I hadn't earned. I had several ideas about possible things I would be able to do, but having more than a month, I had enough time for taking a final decision.
For now I was glad to still have my unlimited cred card and provide a really luxurious Christmas for Ro.
Her only request for me was to take her to a big city with enough malls and enough snow. 'Santa Claus' reindeers wouldn't be able to tug the sled without snow, right?' she was said smirking. 'I think they could fly' was my attempt to answer with nonsense too, and amused of my successes, she had smirked again. "Not like you, eh?"
We approached our hotel. It glittered all over its front as well as inside, which was easy to see through the glass doors and Ro was really pleased of all those multi-colored festive lights all around. I rented a luxury apartment and I ordered a full Christmas interior decoration. It had to be delivered already, while we were shopping.
Entering the living room of our apartment, we left our bags on the couch as there was no need for us to hide them.
Ro took off her jacket and she went immediately to the boxes with Christmas ornaments for the tree, glancing at me with a thankful smile.
I remembered she had said that Morgans had never allowed her to decorate the Christmas tree and even to touch the glass ornaments. All Christmas ornaments were plastic, but some families still kept old traditional glass ornaments. Something as the porcelain cup from Ro's family – just a nice souvenir from the past generations. So now I had bought glass ornaments only. And a real alder tree, which would fit better to the old fashion glass ornaments. Now the whole room was penetrated with the fresh smell of a pine forest.
Our fourth Christmas celebrations were always on the edge of being ruined by Agent Bennet, so usually I ordered a full decorated room with an already decorated Christmas tree and all the rest, just for Ro's sake, to have everything quickly, even if it would be for couple of hours or – as it happened sometimes, for a few minutes only.
Now Ro could enjoy at leisure to arrange the glass ornaments on the tree on her own. I was making the lights and I hanging up the garlands all over the room.
I finished my work before Ro. She stopped with a red glass ball in her hands to examine the decoration. Maybe it was too splendid, indeed, but knowing that very soon I wouldn't have my unlimited cred card anymore, I was ordered too much from everything…
But Ro looked content. Yes, she was content as soon as she said a remark about her last foster family – something, which she was doing only when she was in a high spirit, "Good job, Zee! It looks more like a front decoration of a house rather than just a living room. Besides, Morgans had never put lights on their house, just a few lamps around the front door and that was all."
"Why?"
"I dunno" she shrugged her shoulders, continuing her work, "Do you think they asked me if I would like the house to be decorated with lights or not?"
I didn't comment. Her preferences for a house could lead the topic straight to her future home, which worried me with its million unanswered questions…
The Christmas tree was ready and it looked perfect. Now… we both threw glances at each other, exchanging slyly smiles, then we went together to the couch, taking our bags… and then we stood face to face…
"Merry Christmas, Zee!" said Ro smiling and she handed me her three bags. It wasn't a problem for me to take them all and in the same time to hand her my present, "Merry Christmas, Ro!"
She looked in the bag, she pulled out the rose gown…
And she didn't manage to hide her disappointment, her face immediately drooped, making her thoughts so visibly to be read: 'How could be possible for Zee to lose all of his fantasy exactly today…'
Just as I expected! Now my real present would be a real surprise as well!
Ro heroically decided not to be angry with me and she directed her full attention to me, waiting to see the effect of her gift over me.
I looked into the bags in my turn…
Clothes? She… she had bought me real clothes?
"Ro…" I stammered with a happy, confused smile, "Thank you, Ro… I… I thought you don't want me to wear clothes…"
"I misled you!" she said with a crafty smile, "The surprise is bigger that way, isn't it?"
"Oh… yes… it is…" I stammered again… swallowing any answer, which could hint that I misled her as well just in order to make the surprise bigger…
I began to pull out the clothes from the bags, arranging them on the couch… it was a long deep blue coat…
"I didn't manage to find a deep violet coat" Ro explained quickly, "But this one fits better to the color of your blue eyes… the T-shirt is more gray than lilac… and I bought you a black sweater, it's not quite normal if you wear only a T-shirt underneath your coat when it's a snowy winter outside… and the pants are a little bit darker and they look black rather than deep grey…" and she smiled on my expression when I took out not only a pair shoes, but… even socks…
"It would be weird if you put on your shoes barefoot." She said so convinced that I was about to believe that my material covering actually was a real body… and when she asked me if I needed help dressing, I answered so fast and with such a startled 'No!' that we both burst into laugher.
"Good luck then, I'll go in the bedroom to change." She said still smiling and with the rose gown in her hands, she left.
Well… I started with the socks, then… no, it would be stupid if I put on my shoes first… the pants had to be first, then the shoes… then the T-shirt, the sweater and finally the coat…
If I hadn't my material covering, the clothes would be too large and they would slide on the metal, but now they fit on me perfectly well. I had to notice that I managed to dress very easy as a first try. Of course every part of all those moves was recorded in my files, but the experience was different… I couldn't define that new feeling so quickly, but… it was making me… more… real…
I went to the mirror. Ro was right; the deep blue coat made the color of my eyes more bright blue. And the black sweater made me somehow more serious, even stern.
But aside from the colors of my clothes, there was no difference, I mean… it was like noting was changed as my hologram looked so real. But there was a difference. I was dressed with real clothes. They were real. Maybe more real than me. Or they were… just the first step?
Ro knocked on the door and that was the next new thing as only she needed a private time to dress till now.
I said, "Coming!" and I turned to look at her…
There was a second of motionless and silence, while she was on the doorstep observing and obviously liking my new look.
And I was full with admiration as well. She looked so magnificent, dressed with the velvet, tender rose gown and with the slight make up… she was more beautiful than ever…
Ro approached me, examined me studiously, then she held the edge of the black collar of my coat, with the same gesture as she often did, holding the edge of my fake coat, made from my material covering. It was a gesture of possession, but she put other sense in this and that made me like it – it was more like, 'You, the tall and the strong one, you need me, don't you know that?' And she looked up at me smirking, "You already tried the coat, now you have to take it off. You'd never change the hologram of your clothes, being in a room, but if you were a real human, wearing real clothes, you have to take off your coat, okay?"
"Oh, yes, right…" I said in confusion taking off my deep blue coat. I managed to do this very well again, just as it was with the dressing… and again, I still couldn't define that new feeling, but… it was making me… more real… indeed…
Ro looked not less contented and that made the new feeling even stronger…
She smiled at me, "This sweater is so soft, I get warm even to watch it! And it's so pleasing to touch!" She said a little bit more quietly and then, absolutely unexpectedly for me, she reached her hand and she ran her fingers over my arm from my shoulder to my elbow… then she drew back her hand, biting her lips as some lively kid obviously ashamed of her unhidden wish to feel something more real than the texture imitation of my material covering.
Then maybe she would like my decision?
"Ro?" I said with a little smile, "Can I give you my real present now?"
She laughed in disbelieve, "What?"
I kept smiling mysteriously and I was about to pull out the jewelry box from one of the compartments on my chest, I had removed this part of my material covering already, but… instead of passing through my hologram, my fingers met the texture of the sweater, unable to go through it.
"Oh, sorry…" I said confused again, but still smiling… I shoved my hand under the sweater… no, actually… I had to shove my hand under the T-shirt, which was underneath the sweater…
Finally I managed to pull out the jewelry box and I handed it to Ro, "Merry Christmas, Ro."
She carefully took the box and she opened it slowly…
"Zee…" she whispered so quietly, that it seemed more as a sigh of surprise and delight than as a whisper…
Ro took the necklace and put it on her palm, "Zee…" she whispered again, still looking at the heart-shaped piece of her cup… then… hiding the necklace in her fist, she lifted on her tiptoes for a moment and she kissed me on the cheek, "Thank you, Zee!"
I… I…just stood there as frozen… hoping she'd understand that… it wasn't a robotic freezing… but… an emotional one…
She… she had never kissed me… never…
Batman had received a thankful kiss on his cheek from her… it was four years ago, indeed… and… she kissed him on his mask… and… on our next meetings she never did it again, she never showed even a small interest toward him… but… I ever envied him for that kiss…
Ro drew back of me somehow… abruptly… as if she tried to cover her unexpected tenderness.
"Can you help me with the clasp, please?" She said putting the adornment around her neck, then she turned with her back to me and holding up her short hair, which was a little bit more length on her neck, she bent a little her head, waiting for me to clasp the necklace.
Just as it was with the hand-writing, such a precise thing as clasping the adornment was impossible for my metal fingers, but thanks to my material covering it wasn't difficult for me… in contrast to my wish to place a kiss on her neck as an answer to her kiss…
Ro went to the huge mirror looking at herself up and down, turning round and touching several times the velvet gown and the porcelain heart… and still holding the jewelry box in her hand. Obviously she had taken the folded envelope just as some kind of lining; as she had never seen a real letter.
"Ro… there is something on the bottom of the box…" I said quietly looking at her beneath my black forelock.
She turned towards me with a new surprised smile, "Another present?"
I merely nodded.
Ro opened the box again, she took out the envelope and pulled out the letter…
I felt uneasy to examine her reactions, so I approached the window and I stood still there, with my back toward Ro, watching the falling snowflakes. She was right. Again. If I concentrated my eyes up in the lilac sky not trying to follow any snowflakes, then little by little the picture became to change and I was getting the feeling that all those snowflakes were static and I was the one who was on the move. It was really as if I had begun slowly to fly up toward the sky, passing along the white curtain of immovable snowflakes…
Yes, it was a nice illusion, indeed, just as Ro was said, but nothing was able to distract my thoughts from the words in my letter, which she read right now. I merely followed them, wondering which sentence she was reading now. I didn't have to play the record of my letter. I knew each word and it wasn't just a file. I was able to remember. How and why this was happen and how and why this was possible I didn't know, but it was something different then my files, something immaterial as my feelings…
'My dear Ro,
Do you remember how curious you were about old fashioned letters? I'll write you one now.
No, this isn't the only reason to write you. Actually… I don't think I'll have the strength to say what I want to tell you.
There was a time when I couldn't understand so many things about human's hearts, right? And I asked you what means 'heart broken' and 'heart throb', 'heart ache' thinking of human's real heart only. I was sort of a kid back then. But I grew up thanks to you. You taught me and you still teaching me about your human's world. And although I'm still learning, I know several things for sure.
Now I know what Christmas is. I know what a family holiday as Christmas means. I know I was the family you needed.
But I also know you grew up too.
Children don't stay with their families forever, right? There is a time of leaving.
I was always glad to know that I substituted your missing family, Ro. Till the day when I realized that I don't want you to leave me.
Yes, I'm trying to help you find your real family, but this isn't a reason for you to stay with me. I'm not hunted anymore. We both are free now as we always wanted to be.
Ro, you know I never meant to put you through that suffering running with me all those five years, but my wish to keep you by my side is not just an attempt to redeem the troubles I caused you.
It's not just some habit to be with you either. It's not a routine. It's not only because I got used to seeing you beside me. It's not even merely because I still want to take care of you. Any real parents have to let their children go in the world alone and to take care of their own. When the time of leaving comes. But I realized that I don't think of myself just as the substitute of your missing family or just as your best friend only. And you're not just my best friend either, you're not only the girl I have to take care for.
You are my reason to live. You are everything I need and everything I want. And more than anything else I want you to be happy.
Making the necklace from a piece of your porcelain cup I wanted to give it back to you. I know this souvenir was precious for you. I know you'll want to keep it closer to you and I think a necklace is a good way for it. But I had another reason to make that porcelain piece heart-shaped.
I want to give you my heart, Ro.
That's my real Christmas present.
I want to give you myself. But to be a good human imitation is not enough. I want to become a real human.
I want to give you my heart, Ro, that's all I really have, that's all that will leave from me if I'll turn in a human being. But this is my real me. I feel as a human inside of me and I'm ready to take the risk, I'm ready to leave behind everything I have and everything I am as an immortal synthoid. I want to become your kind. I want to remain with you. That's why I accepted Bucky's offer to make an experiment with me. He said I'll look the same, as I look now, it's my identity, I'm Zee. He will try to transfer my consciousness in a human body.
You know that I always considered myself more human than a robot, but I want to do this not only because of that.
I love you, Ro.
Not just as a friend.
I really love you.
And I dare to hope that you love me too.
Ro, would you marry me, if I become human?
Please forgive me if I'm wrong and I misunderstood your attitude towards me. Please forget what I said about wedding; please don't be angry at me. I won't bother you. I'll stay a synthoid; just allow me to remain with you, to remain in your life. Even if you don't need me anymore as the one, who replaced your family, I'll keep taking care of you as your robot friend and one day I'll take care of your future family and your future kids, I'll continue to be your guardian and I'll be their guardian as well. And I'll continue to be your protector and their protector too.
I need to see you around, I need to know you're happy and well. I could live in the basement of your future family's home or in the garage, wherever you want me to live, only to be close to you.
Becoming human or remaining synthoid, I offer you my heart, Ro.
Because my heart belongs to you.
Because I love you, Ro, and I'll always do, no matter what you'll decide.
Forever yours,
Zee
I heard the paper sound of the letter; Ro was finished reading it… I heard her quick steps; she was running to me… I turned toward her and she hugged me, pressing her face to my chest…
I gently wrapped my arms around her… being a little bit insecure… what her reaction meant… just a friendly hug for the weird robot, something like, 'I understand. And I don't want to insult you, Zee, but you are my best friend, nothing more, I'm sorry…'
Or…
"Zee…" she whispered still pressing her cheek to my chest, "Say it to me… say it to me, Zee, I need to hear it…"
I had said so many things in my letter… but she didn't doubt I'd understand what she meant…
I hesitated for a moment; only for a moment… my human nature was slower than my robotic one, but I was relying completely on my human insight now…
And I knew what she wanted me to say…
"Ro…" I whispered back, gently caressing her hair and even more gently touching her face, making her to lift her eyes up at me, "I love you, Ro. I really do."
"I love you too, Zee" she said softly and she… she looked at me so expectantly… so… insistently…
It was too late for my robotic common sense to scream inside of me that I was a synthoid and I had no right to kiss her…
I wanted to kiss her…
And she wanted me to kiss her…
I was unable to feel, indeed, but I knew it will be the seal on my wish to be able to feel, the seal on my decision to become a human; it will be the seal on my love toward Ro…
I slowly drew my face down to hers… and… I kissed her… on the lips…
She wrapped her hands around my neck and she didn't allow me to break the kiss for a few seconds, obviously enjoying it…
Any data couldn't be enough to make me know what was to feel a kiss… and it was more than I expected, it was more than a seal, it was an irresistible desire to disentangle myself from this metal shell, becoming something new, something different, becoming real human…
"Ro…" I whispered brushing her cheek with my lips, "Would you marry me if I become human?"
She drew back with her hands still joined together around my neck, and she looked at me with a smile through glittering tears. "Yes, Zee, I'll will" she whispered back, but her smile fade away making the tears in her eyes more crystalline and she began gently to caress my face, looking straight to my eyes, "Can we trust Bucky to do this to you, Zee… what if… what if he messes up something and…"
Ro didn't finish her sentence, she didn't voice what terrified her, she just kept looking at me…
I caressed her face in return, trying to smile although my own anxiety about that, "Bucky is a genius and he's not a kid anymore" I said as gently as I could, keeping silent for the main reason – I had no other choice, "Everything will be just fine, Ro, you'll see."
"You can't be sure…"
"But I am" I said quietly… and… I added, suddenly coming more confidently then ever. "Didn't you tell me that everything is possible if you believe? You taught me to believe, Ro. I just know everything will be alright. I always come back to you, don't I? And moreover now, this is the evening of the gifts, when all dreams come true. Everything will be fine, Ro."
"You mean… you want… you want Bucky to do this to you now?"
"Yes, I do. Bucky said it's up to me to choose when it could happen. You know him; he spends his holidays in his lab…"
But Ro looked at me even more terrified and I caressed her face again, "Now I know you love me. I don't want to wait anymore. I was a synthoid for so long. Please don't worry, Ro, I'll come back to you…"
"I will come with you!"
"But… probably it could be… dreadful…"
"It would be dreadful if you leave me here! I have to be there, Zee, you have to survive! I have to be with you… I want to be with you…"
"Me too" I whispered, gently cupping her face in my hands, "And I'll survive, Ro. I'll survive because of you."
And… I kissed her... again... before taking her hand… before we left… before I lead her toward our greatest Christmas gift…
The end
A/N If you like this story, please don't leave me in silence. Please review.