I'm all Alone

by katorse

Chapter Three: Numb

As I woke up the next morning, sunlight beamed down my window which was reflected towards me, I slightly opened my now bulged eyes as if afraid that I would lose my sight because of the strong rays coming from the mighty sun.

Finally adjusted with the powerful light coming from my window, I completely opened my eyes, pulled out the sheets covering my delicate body and began to sit with my back against the wall.

As I rested my head against the sturdy foundation standing behind my back, I slowly closed my eyes and sighed deeply remembering fully the almost perfect figure of her body in front of me. Thinking of every small details on her face, recalling the bushy-brown hair she always had, the sweet lovely smile on her soft lips and the ever so innocent look on her striking brown eyes, I slowly cringed at the thought of the apathy we had shared for the past seven years now.

Different kinds of thought immediately invaded my head, filling my mind of guilt I should have felt eons ago. It may sound a bit exaggerated but to tell you honestly it's eating every piece of me… little by little, every day. I don't know. Maybe this is the reason why I can't eventually sleep at night.

I was really lucky that I was able to have a sleep last night. The tears drowned me to sleep, I guess. Those tears helped me, maybe not that much but it did. It helped me release all the tension building up in me.

I sighed again, feeling the heavy pressure on my chest. I sighed once more looking at the cloud of breath that came out of my mouth. I never realized that it's already snowing outside, which is an obvious sign of the coming of Christmas.

Christmas.

I can still remember the last occasion in which I was able to dance with her. She was very happy that night, dancing with her friends, talking and chatting of nothing in particular, gazing around the excellent enchantments floating around us, and looking at the dark vast sky seen from the enchanted ceiling.

She was perfect to my sight. She wore a white flowing gown made of something soft. I really don't know what kind of cloth it was, all I know is she's beautiful in it. She wore her hair like she always did, though it's still bushy you could sense how soft it is to touch it. You could also see the flush of pink on her cheeks, and her lips how I long to touch it with mine. I know she definitely won't allow me to, but how I wish she will.

Looking at her made me feel eternity.

I stood form where I was seated and made slow steps towards her. As I was approaching the girl that made my heart beat thrice its speed, I can feel that there's this visible smile forming on my face, though small it'll definitely show the true feelings I possess.

But it is just a past now, a very beautiful past. I'll give away all my treasure and give up my fame just to feel that feeling again. I nearly forgot how it feels to be in love -- though not to the extent of being loved back but having the one you love in your arms.

Having her in my arms is fairly enough.

I'll definitely trade all my money just to have her with me but having her and making her feel imprison is not worth the price. I'd rather set her free than have her despising me.

It was really dumb of me to do that actually, and I still don't know why I did. Maybe it's because of the knowledge that she would never really like me or maybe just because I would not want to get rejected at all. You see both of these reasons mean one thing. And I admit it, she'll never like me.

But opposed to what I expected, she did.

She did, but not like what I wanted her to. She accepted me as her friend, as a person who needed someone so badly.

Someone who needed her so badly.

And that someone was me.

I know that she knew what I felt for her. But she never showed it. She just got on with her day not thinking that I might do something just to get her in my hands.

In my bloody hands.

You see, she just ignored the fact that there's someone out there hurt and there's someone out there waiting for her attention. Waiting to be loved. I made her feel it but she never showed any affection even just a sign of pity.

Is it her way of showing how hurt she was? A way of bouncing back the pain I did to them back then?

God, I already had the same share of pain in here. In this heart of mine.

But why do I have to suffer more than what is destined for me? Doesn't she know that it's painful for me too? Doesn't she know that I didn't want to do it in the first place?

Hermione, I just needed your attention. Your God damn attention!

But what do I get?

Just a plain friend, that was all I can be to her. A plain nasty friend.

And that's the only purpose why I ever walked and stood on this earth --

Just to be her friend...