It's Weiss Christmas, Part IV!
Schuldig demanded equal time with Yohji, saying he and Balinese are both sluts and what kind of American-cum-yaoifangirl would I be if I played favorites? To which I answered he needed to make it worth my while, as Balinese is a cooperative slut-muse and thus easy to write. After much "negotiation" (he tried mind whammies, I used keyboard whammies), I give you --
Dreaming of a Black Christmas
Schuldig mourned.
"I had it all figured out. Ginsu knives were the perfect gift for Farfarello, and now they're sold out! They're from Japan, for Christ's sake; they shouldn't ever sell out of them here!"
Crawford patted him awkwardly on the back. While they did feel a certain affection for each other, physical gestures between them were usually of a more lascivious nature. "There, there. I'm sure they're not actually from Japan. It's got to be a marketing ploy." But this pitiful attempt at reassurance went unheard. Schuldig had whipped himself into another dramatic frenzy and wouldn't calm down until he was done. In these instances it was usually best to stand clear and enjoy the show.
"I even had the packaging figured out!" Crawford wondered if Schuldig would try to simulate frothing at the mouth this time. It appeared not. Looked like it was tears on tap today. Oh well. Variety, life, spice, and all that. "I was going to include tin cans and tomatoes so he could simulate the damn commercial!" That drew Crawford's attention.
"Where would you get tin cans in this day and age? Everything's in steel or aluminum."
Schuldig shrugged, dramatic fit dissipating. "Was going to include a few beer cans."
"Wouldn't slicing through beer cans be messy? I hope you were planning on cleaning up the mess yourself!"
"Relax, Bradley, they would be empty."
Crawford shook his head. "One, it's pretty cheap to include your garbage in a present for your own teammate; and two, my name is Brad. Not Bradley, not Bradford, not Braddy-kins, and certainly not Brad-meister."
"But 'Brad' sounds like something at an office supply store! Staples, paperclips, brads, and other fasteners, aisle 3." Schuldig pointed at each of the imaginary bins and their contents.
"For the millionth time, Brad is a perfectly fine name. It's much better than, say, Christian."
"No, it's not, Thumbtack. Oops, Brad." Schuldig leered. "You know what else fits in the brads and tacks category? Stud. C'me here, you."
Brad planted his hand in the middle of Schuldig's face in mid-pucker and shoved him back. "You'd think you would have come up with an original joke, but no. It's been the same name-related jokes for over five years now. Is this a hint you want a joke book for Christmas?"
A pouting Schuldig stuffed his hands in his pockets as they continued down the mall. "No, I do not want a joke book for Christmas or a book of any kind." He considered the matter. "Unless it was one of those books of questionable etchings you're always hearing about in Victorian novels and Monty Python skits."
"I said no porn for Christmas! This is supposed to be wholesome, dammit!"
"Do we even do wholesome? Do we know what wholesome is?"
"Yes, we can do wholesome, now that Esset is scattered. We can do anything we want."
"Anything?"
"Almost anything. Consider it a unique experience. We'll have at least one wholesome Christmas and then we'll never have to repeat it again."
"Okay. I guess I can live with that."
They continued in silence for a while.
"So, what do you want other than porn?"
He shrugged. "Beer's good. Or if you want to give a more traditional alcohol, you could make it brandy. Or rum. If you gave me rum, we could make rum balls –"
"Do not continue that sentence. I'll think about it."
More silence.
"Brad?" The voice was almost shy, it was so quiet. "What do you want for Christmas?" His innate cockiness quickly reasserted itself with the next sentence, vanquishing any accidental appearance of vulnerability. Or caring. "Within reason, of course. I'm not made of money and you know I'm bad at keeping promises to behave."
Crawford pondered, then pronounced, "Ties."
"Ties?! You already have over 50 ties! Last time I gave you one, you got all fussy about the color!"
"It was a print with a naked girl doing the hula, if I remember correctly."
"And you said you didn't want a practical gift!"
"That was for Nagi and I don't want it to wear it."
"But –" Schuldig paused, trying to think why Crawford would want a tie that he wouldn't wear. Then the light dawned. "Oooo."
"At least four would be good. I'd prefer silk as it's softer. Color doesn't matter, but something that matched your eyes, hair, or some other body part would be romantic, I suppose."
Schuldig grinned. "You are a softy, aren't you?"
Crawford sniffed. "I'm tired of the crease marks in my good ties, is all. And if they should rip, there's no harm done." He leaned closer to Schuldig. "And if I ever hear that sentence come out of your mouth again, I'll have to punish you."
Which resulted in a leer. "I'll have to find out if anyone sell ties in bulk – so you can properly punish me, of course."
"Of course."
.---.---.---.
The following day saw Schuldig back at the mall, this time with Nagi. Crawford was left to figure out what to do with a Farfarello who wouldn't stop singing along to 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' with Rosemary Clooney. It didn't matter if Nagi destroyed the CD; he'd already done that several times but Farfarello had a stash of them hidden somewhere even Schuldig couldn't find. And after two days of this, Farfarello didn't really need the CD anymore; he could imitate her vocalisms on his own. Combine the constant singing with yesterday at the American-themed mall and Nagi was all for an updated Jack in the Box called "Farf In A Shoebox", but no one really wanted that. Not yet anyway.
So Schu was dispatched back to the mall with Nagi to get him away from Farfarello and to complete their shopping. Along the way they would hopefully find some less annoying recording for Farfarello to emulate. The trick was finding something that would appeal to his tastes but wasn't too annoying. Nagi threatened Schuldig with neutering when he suggested the barking dogs before they left, but that wasn't needed as Crawford hated them with a passion usually reserved for decrepit old people set on ruling the world.
"So..."
"Yes?"
"What are you getting Farf?"
"Found a copy of that 'Santa versus Jesus' video done by that show that looks like animated construction paper. It's actually kind of funny."
"Can I go in with you on that?"
"No, Schuldig, you cannot. Don't think about getting him that damn singing Christmas tree, either."
Silence.
"Got any ideas on what I can get for Farf?"
"Something from that store would be good." Nagi nodded to the left.
Schuldig was aghast. "That store?! It's filled with nothing but merchandise that plays to every offensive ethnic stereotype of Europeans there is! There's plastic lederhosen, snails and garlic in a can, castanets and crucifixes gift sets, how-to Mafia handbooks, deerstalkers and briar pipes –"
"And 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish' tee shirts in Kelly green with a fighting leprechaun, beer mug in hand."
"Farf would kill me if I gave him that!"
"No," came the patient answer, "he wouldn't. He'd either happily destroy it or happily wear it. It's a win-win situation."
"Huh. That is a good idea." A pause. "So, what are you getting for Brad?"
"Schuldig, I am not telling you what to get your boyfriend."
"He's not my boyfriend, he's my fuck buddy."
"Po-TAY-to, po-TAH-to."
"You're too young to be that cynical."
"Schuldig. I'm seventeen now, remember."
"Oh, right. Okay, you've been in too few relationships to be that cynical. Better?"
"Yes, actually. Why do you know what I got for Crawford?"
"Curious. You did a good job with ideas for Farf."
"Okay. I got Crawford Muraki's Eyeglass Solution."
"Never heard of it."
"It's an eyeglass cleaner. Makes your glasses extra glinty."
Schuldig burst out laughing. "He'll love it. Ah, the apprentice has surpassed the master – NOT!" And gave Nagi a noogie in the middle of the mall, much to his embarrassment.
.---.---.---.
Crawford looked ready to take Nagi up on his "FarfBox" offer when they returned. Nat King Cole's 'The Christmas Song' didn't meet Farfarello's approval so they reluctantly handed over the Burl Ives recording. Crawford declared that he foresaw a psychotic rampage in his future if he didn't get out of there right now and Nagi was more than happy to go out again with him; anywhere was fine as long as it didn't have a singing Farfarello. Both of them agreed it was Schuldig's turn to stay at home with their one-eyed Father Christmas.
This time the trip was for culinary supplies. Nagi was all for having a catered meal, but one, Crawford didn't like the expense and two, he pointed out Japan wasn't exactly overflowing with restaurants that carried acceptable Christmas meals or even a glazed ham. They compromised on side dishes, agreeing there could be a variety of ethnicities to reflect the makeup of the team. As Crawford was American, this opened the door to practically anything Nagi wanted.
With one of the Christmas movies in mind, Nagi suggested a duck from a Chinese restaurant as the main course but Crawford insisted they look through another neighborhood or two for a leg of lamb or a turkey. He wasn't giving up just yet.
They were on their eighth (or was it tenth? Nagi lost count once his feet went numb) store, this one on the opposite side of Tokyo, when he saw a familiar face – or rather, head of hair.
"Nagi? Are you coming?"
"Go ahead to the butcher counter. I'll catch up." Crawford shrugged and continued to the back.
Nagi made eye contact with one of the two people next to that familiar head of hair and pointed to the produce section. The other person nodded and left the checkout line.
"Greetings, Crusher15. What are you doing here? I thought Perry preferred the store in your neighborhood."
"Salutations, Bowdart10. Nah, Perry has this idea we need to find the ideal Christmas meat, so we're trekking all over Tokyo in search of it."
"Is it just the two of you? Or is the rest of Niger here, too?"
"Cruller and Guinness are at home, thank the gods."
"Oh, Guinness still overfull with season's greetings?"
"Yes, and letting everyone in earshot know it, too. Cruller and I did find something different to play but I still wish he'd shut up."
"We had a similar problem with Inari and a Christmas special. He wouldn't shut up during the show and yesterday wouldn't stop singing the song the show was based on, saying it was punishment for making him watch it."
"Couldn't have been worse than Guinness and Rosemary Clooney."
"Imagine it was only one song rather than an entire album. And the song was about a deer."
"What does a deer have to do with Christmas?"
"I'm not sure. I think they take Santa Claus everywhere."
"If he's as fat as some of the songs say, I don't see how that's possible."
Bowdart10 shrugged. "Same way the one deer's nose glows."
"A deer with a glowing nose?! That deer wouldn't be Rudolph, would it?"
"You've heard of him?"
"Over and over and over again, YES! It's the first song on the album! – Why didn't Oishi kill Inari?"
"Why else? Special privileges, same as Crueller has with Perry."
"Oh. Too bad."
"You said it. Package thought the whole thing was cute."
"She would. Girls like that kind of thing, don't they?"
"She does, anyway. Say, how did you do on the calculus test?"
"Aced it. Please thank Package for proofreading the essay on the history of computers."
"I will. She appreciated the review; she's taking an intro to networks class and forgot how much she was supposed to know. Can't have the instructor knowing she's a super geek, after all."
"Yeah, might suspect her of being a hacker – not that we know any." They exchanged a laugh. "Say, why did you keep that nickname for her? If she ever finds out about it, you might be in trouble."
"I thought about it, but calling her Amaterasu is too obvious and Oishi might suspect something."
"You're running an equal chance of Oishi flattening you for calling his sister Package. It sounds like a vague sexual reference."
A fond sigh. "Yeah, it does, doesn't it? She certainly is cute." He shook his head to clear it. "Looks like they finally made through the line. I better go." He nodded. "It was good to see you. Same time tonight?"
Crusher15 grinned. "You got it. Expect me to kick your butt!"
Bowdart10 returned the grin. "You can try! I almost got that punch-kick combo down, so you better be ready; you're going down!" He waved and left.
Crawford joined Nagi in the produce section.
"Any turkey or lamb?"
"No, dammit. Do I want to ask if that was Bombay?"
"Do you really want to hear the answer to that?"
"I suppose not. Since no one is chasing after us with a katana and yelling 'Die', I can assume he hasn't told the others we survived."
"That would be correct."
"Why wasn't I told?"
He shrugged. "We figured we weren't in active opposition after surviving the museum's collapse."
Crawford gave him a hard look. " Why talk with him at all?"
"It's nice to talk with someone who understands what it's like to balance school and a night job, particularly one like ours. I get help with my homework, too."
"If I told you to stop?"
Nagi coolly returned Crawford's stare. "I would argue it would be against the best interests of the team. We exchange information on targets and avoid tripping each other up with overlapping hacks."
Crawford continued to stare, but Nagi remained impassive. Finally, Crawford released his gaze. "Be sure it remains beneficial to Schwarz."
"Of course. – Did you want to go to another store?"
"No. I had a vision at the counter. It will be Peking duck, as you suggested."
Nagi grinned and tried not to look too happy.
.---.---.---.
When they returned home, they were greeted not with a tenor voice but a high-pitched, tinny noise complete with bouncy background music. Crawford's face became grim.
"I feared he might have a copy of that hidden. Schuldig must have really pissed him off."
Inside Schuldig was curled up in a fetal position (it was under the mistletoe, Nagi noted with some irony) in the hallway between the common area and bedrooms. He saw Schuldig was rocking and his mouth moving, but couldn't make out the words until he crouched down next to him.
"...it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop..."
Schuldig had survived five years of life on the streets and another five years of indoctrination by Esset and Rosenkreuz, but it appeared two hours of one Christmas album done what they could not and broken him. It might have been Farfarello's nasal attempt at replicating the high-pitched squeals, but Nagi wasn't sure. He suspected the unaccompanied album alone was enough to loosen one's grip on sanity.
"Farfarello. I have Bing Crosby's 'White Christmas' here. Step away from 'Merry Christmas with the Chipmunks' and it's yours." Wow. Crawford really was brave.
Farfarello paused in mid "wahoo, wahoo" to ask, "Does it have 'Silver Bells'?"
Crawford nodded. "Yes, and 'Jingle Bells', too."
Farfarello gave his best scary grin, the one that gave Nagi nightmares. "God bless us, every one!" And snatched the CD up and ran back to his room with it.
Crawford walked over to the CD player, pressed 'stop', then 'open'. After removing the CD he snapped it in half, then in half again. "That's one aspect of my childhood I wouldn't wish on anyone." Sighing, he walked over to the still-rocking Schuldig and crouched by the pitiful figure.
"Schuldig? It's okay. I broke the CD."
The rocking paused. "No more Alvin?"
"No more Alvin," agreed Crawford.
"No more Dave?"
"No more Dave. Before you ask, no more Simon or Theodore, either. Now, why don't you go to bed, hm? Tomorrow's the Emperor's Birthday, so you can sleep late." That got Schuldig to raise his head.
"Will you tuck me in?"
Crawford rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'll even tuck you in, you German slut," he added, almost fondly.
There was a moment of silence before the voice spoke again. "Join me, too?"
He stroked the hair back from Schuldig's face. "As soon as Nagi and I get the groceries out of the car and put away, yes."
"Oh. Okay." He allowed Crawford to usher him back to the bedrooms.
Nagi went ahead and started bringing in the groceries. It was late and dark enough that he thought it safe to use his powers to add more bags to his arms and so reduce his trips. He had the car emptied by the time Crawford returned to the front rooms.
As they silently put away the items together, a thought occurred to Nagi.
"Crawford?"
"Yes?"
"Didn't you foresee that something might happen between Farfarello and Schuldig?"
A truly evil smile appeared on his face. "Yes."
Nagi sighed. "He called you an office supply product again, didn't he?"
-end-
Long notes section this time!
(1) Ginsu knives of many TV commercials. You can see them at asseenontv(dot)com. They're supposedly made of Japanese steel and never need sharpening, so you can see why Schuldig thought them a good gift. Commercials showed them slicing through a tin can, then a tomato.
(2) Canon is Crawford's name is a simple "Brad Crawford", but fans like to add to it. Christian is fanon's real name for Schuldig, of course.
(3) 'Questionable etchings' are Victorian porn. Look up "Aubrey Beardsley erotica" for a sample. The MP 'photograph' sketch makes a passing reference to this category of art.
(4) Brandy is usually added to eggnog and rumballs are a real cookie. Since they're not baked they have a very high alcohol content. Think of them as kin to jello shots but with flour.
(5) I really think Crawford should have asked for five ties minimum. The fifth could be used as a gag or blindfold. Hm. Maybe it should be six?
(6) I've scattered various Christmas albums that were considered classic by my family or friends' families while growing up. For song lists, you can look them up on amazon(dot)com. Titles and artists are:
a) "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Rosemary Clooney
b) "Christmas Unleashed" by Jingle Dogs - this was the barking dog album
c) "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole
d) "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by Burl Ives (has all the songs from the TV show mentioned in earlier chapters)
e) "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby
f) The last one combines the album title with the artist. Don't want to ruin the story. author grins
(7) The "Jesus v. Santa" video is the short made by Matt Stone and Trey that led to them getting their own show, "South Park". See for details.
(8) I'm with Nagi. I waited in a return line next to one of these motion-activated Christmas trees for one hour. Not only was it butt-ugly, it was a bad recording as well. When looking it up for this story, I was glad to see no recent webpages.
(9) I don't know if a store like this exists in Japan, but I've seen some dangerously close to this in the US; some Spencers and local tee shirt boutiques come to mind.
(10) For the tee shirt, imagine the University of Notre Dame's leprechaun with a beer mug in hand. Sadly, it's a typical St. Patrick's Day decoration.
(11) I added two years to everyone's age to safely get us through Kapitel and the OAVs.
(12) After Dr. Muraki of "Yami No Matsuei". Another glinty-glasses guy of anime. Heh.
(13) Nagi's thinking of the Chinese restaurant scene in "A Christmas Story", my favorite Christmas movie. Think: Red Rider BB Gun.
(14) He saw red hair, of course.
(15) They're both online gamers and hackers, so they're speaking with the nicknames they use in IM for their teammates. And no, I'm not giving them away, but I will explain the nicknames.
a) Crusher15 from his powers
b) BowDart10 from his weapons
c) Perry is the American Commodore who led the Black Ships in 1853 that forced Japan to open trade with the West.
d) Niger is Latin for "black".
e) Cruller is a pastry, as is a "Berliner". I think both are German, hint hint.
f) Guinness is an Irish beer.
g) Inari is the kami of foxes and kitsune. (This one is tricky, but you should be able to figure it out from the conversation. Does it help if I say kitsune are known for being sexy and seductive?)
h) Oishi Kuranosuke was the leader of the 47 ronin and chief counselor of dishonored daimyo Lord Asano. Short version: he planned and schemed for two years but eventually got revenge on the person responsible for their lord's dishonor and so redeemed Lord Asano's honor. Famous story of bushido. Read it here: victorian(dot)fortunecity(dot)com(slash)duchamp(slash)410(slash)47ronin(dot)html.
g) Package: well, she was passed around like a package for most of the second half of Kapitel, yes? And Amaterasu is the Japanese sun goddess from whom the emperor is descended. (Someone thinks a lot of this person, hint hint.)
(16) I pulled the years for street life and training out of my butt. But they sound good, yes? And canon never said anything about Schuldig on the streets; that's fanon again.
(17) Farf purloined Tiny Tim's line from "A Christmas Carol".
(18) Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are the Chipmunks; Dave Seville is their creator and sings with them in normal voice as well. It's my favorite Christmas album but I already know I'm weird.
(19) The Emperor's birthday is a holiday in Japan. It's currently December 23.
I have no idea if there will be more installments. You'll have to ask the muses about that.
23Dec2004