Hi all. I wrote 3 five-minute Roy-Riza one-shots that can be linked together or taken separately, whatever you want! Anyway, enjoy the fics and Merry Christmas! Forgive me for any OOC-ness cringe.

Ooo.

Whenever we look back on Christmas, certain things comes to mind. Shopping, family, work (not necessarily in that order). But a period of three days before Christmas that, when usually filled with last minute Christmas shopping and trying not to run into old friends who are wandering where their invite for Christmas drinks went, was so different this year. Sure, there were those things listed above, but we were slightly more pre-occupied with the events that follow. We have written them from a third-person view, as the actual story has been pieced together by various members of the Militia, and some others. But naturally, all stories have a title, and Havoc wanted to call it 'Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat'. We generally agreed that this didn't have anything to do with the story, so we decided upon 'The time Roy Mustang cracked'. Read on.
-Havoc, Falman, Fury and Full-metal, Alphonse Elric and Winry Rockbell.

Ooo.

Part 1: To Envy a Midget

Winry and Riza were seated in Roy Mustang's office. Mustang himself was currently absent, and the only other observer in the room was Black Hayate, who was currently nestled in a pile of Styrofoam and was asleep. Riza smiled.
"So, what brings you here, Winry?"
Hawkeye and Winry had met on several occasions before, and were on quite good terms, as they shared a general tom-boyishness and a certain liking for members of the military. Emphasis on the word 'like'. It was this latter similarity that had brought Winry here today.
"I. . .well, I thought. . .It's Al's fault. He found out that I liked Ed. He is blackmailing me into writing a poem for him. I need your help." Winry said this all quite quickly before breathing a sigh of relief. Riza struggled to keep her expression one of understanding, but couldn't help it. Laughter burst from her tightly squeezed lips before she could stop it.
"I'm sorry Winry. But you . . . writing poetry?" Another round of laughter escaped her lips. Winry blushed. Riza smiled.
"I'm sorry. Ok, so you need my help?" Winry nodded.
"Well, do you know how to write poetry?" Winry frowned. "Nope."
Riza grinned. "Well, neither do I. Maybe you should take a song and change the lyrics. Like a Christmas carol?"
Winry smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all. Except . . .
"Ed doesn't like Christmas carols, only Christmas songs."
"Well, then, I'll be back in a moment."
Riza slipped out of the room and returned 2 minutes later, carrying a CD cover.
"Roy occasionally likes to put on this one." She handed it over. Winry glanced up and down the track list. Walking in a Winter Wonderland, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire . . . that was when her eyes fell on the prefect song.
"Do you think Ed would mind if it was . . . humorous?"

Ooo.

Roy Mustang walked into his office, rubbing his arms. It was absolutely freezing outside, though still not cold enough for snow, only frost. He approached his desk and found a note there explaining that Riza had gone out to get some coffee with a friend, and that there was a folder on her desk for him. He walked over to get it, but something else on her desk caught his eye. A piece of paper was titled "Draft Song for Ed", and underneath, lyrics were scrawled to the tune of I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas:

I'm dreaming of a cute midget.
Just like the one I used to know.
He was short and funny, and hot.
Merry Midget, to you.

Roy stared. What an odd poem. But there were more important matters presenting themselves here: Riza . . . liked Full-metal? A glare that could have incinerated a building was given to the paper, and a sigh escaped his lips.

"I never thought I would envy a midget."

Ooo.

Riza returned from dropping Winry home, handing over the final copy of the 'poem', and her phone number. She wanted to know how it turned out, although Winry reminded her that it would not be given until Christmas Day.

Inside the office, Riza found Roy sitting at his desk with a weird expression on his face, staring at the wall. She frowned and walked over to him. "Sir, is everything alright?"

Roy didn't answer, so obviously not.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Silence once more. Riza frowned.

"Roy, shut the hell up."

This emitted a startled glance from the Colonel Lieutenant. "What did I say?"

"More than you would ever know, sir. But that's generally a technique I learnt when I was little. It was useful when I wanted to annoy family members. Now I don't suppose you want to tell me the problem, or should I leave you to wallow in the obvious misery, unhappiness, anger and jealousy that you are experiencing." Her voice was edged with slight sarcasm, but she didn't mean it as a direct insult. Sometimes being slightly harsh was a good way of getting information out of people. Roy couldn't help but be surprised by how well she knew him.

"I don't suppose you've seen Full-Metal lately, have you?"

Riza couldn't help but grin at the thought of the poem. Roy interpreted this the wrong way.

"Oh, I see." He lapsed back into silence. Riza stared at him slightly, trying to work out what that tone of voice was supposed to be implying. She shrugged and returned to her desk. As she was throwing out some scrap paper, she found in the bin the draft copy of Winry's poem. It looked as though someone had read it, crumpled it up and thrown it out. As to who had done this, Riza knew immediately. It was obvious. The paper even had slight scorch march around the edges. She sighed and turned around. Two can play at this game.

"So, Roy, how was your day?"

Roy didn't answer.

"Mine was very interesting, thanks for asking. The Fuehrer said we may be in the running for a promotion; I did some Christmas shopping, practiced my shooting and delivered a report to Fury. Oh, and I helped a friend write a love poem for Full-Metal. Who knew he had admirers? Though come to think of it, I could have sworn I had left a copy of it on my desk. Oh well, it was only a draft." She shrugged and turned back around, smiling to herself. "Now if you don't mind, I think I should go get ready for the Christmas ball tonight, and you should too. I wish I knew what was bothering you. . ." And with that, she left.

Roy stared at the door where Hawkeye had just exited, her words echoing around his head.

His face slowly stretched into a smile.

Ooo.

End of Part 1…