I have to admit it, I like it here in the Black Woods. Bear Town, where the palace is located, is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. It looks like one of those happy villages in paintings, a place you don't quite expect to be real. And I've gotten used to the palace, in a way I never got used to the king's castle in the Wolf Lands. Funny how till the night before my wedding, as Mother helped me to pack last minute stuff, I still believed that being the crown princess of the Wolves was something temporary. I was convinced that I would go back to the Stone state and live happily with Mother and Father, and with Marcus and Papa.
When I came to live in Jacen's palace, I knew I was coming to stay, soon resignation settled in and I started to get used to the high ceilings, the greens and browns in the decoration, to the fact that furniture is just bigger.. What I like the most about Jacen's kingdom, however, is the way things move slowly. Winter officially started two weeks ago, but it hasn't snowed yet, as if everything is taking its time to shut down for the winter. In the Wolf Lands, one day it's fall, the weather still warm, and the next you have snow up to your knees. I also like the quiet of Jacen's kingdom.
What I don't like is the loneliness. I wish someone could understand. When the nightmares started, as they have done for the last four years, I felt an urge to tell it to my friends so they could comfort me like they did every year. But I haven't seen Hector in six months, haven't heard from him in three, and there is no way of knowing where he is. I wish I had the nerve to write to Adam, but Adam has never approved my marriage because he is still rooting for the house team (1). All the others are gone.
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Darla hasn't gotten any sleep for the last two days, I know it - I can feel her moving and turning around in our bed. She thinks I can't tell but I can. She gets out of the bed a few times. I hear her bump into the chair and the table. She hit her arm last night with the corner of a chest. It kind of amuses me how she never makes any sound of pain. Darla curses sometimes – I haven't hear anyone link that many bad words one right after the other, but never yelps in pain.
When Jared dragged her to the armory where Sean and I were having a little sword fighting match, I could tell Darla was ready to snap at the first person who poked her enough. At Elena probably, since the first thing Darla said was: "Elena, I'm not in the mood for your snide remarks about every other aspect of my person."
But Elena, of course, wouldn't drop it like that.
"You know sword fighting, right?" Jared asked Darla. In the stone walls of the armory, a big square stone room with our coat of arms in the drapes on the walls, their words echoed along with the sound of Sean's and my swords.
"One of the first things I learned," She answered curtly.
"Really? I thought women didn't learn such things."
"My father made a point of teaching me."
Jared, like everyone else, knows about Darla being the king's bastard. She had even explained him that "father" is Lord Stone and not King Wesley. Still, I think it confuses him since he didn't push the topic and went around it by asking:
"Oh. Hey, how old where you when you joined the army?"
"Nine, " She said. "But in the Wolf Lands it's different than here. Father always thought it wasn't wise to fill the battlefields with raw recruits so he created a sort of training camp. Once you joined the military you had to spend at least a year there learning all the basics in the old art of not getting yourself killed on your first raid. I stayed there for three years."
"Did you ever think you couldn't take it? The war, I mean." Jared said and Darla looked deep in thought.
"Once," She answered. "Once, four years ago."
"What happened?" Elena interrupted. "Did you break your nail or something?"
"Look, first of all I'm not like you. I don't whine at the least provocation. And second, you better shut up because I'm in a bad mood, and when I'm in a bad mood I tend to get very physical with people who vex me. And if I do get physical then you're going to need a miracle because it would take me about 8 seconds to crack you neck like a chicken's."
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I did it out of pure instinct. Darla was asleep, but it was an uneasy sleep - she was tossing around and murmuring things I couldn't make out. I could tell she was scared, her whispers were urgent and desperate. Her nightmare must have been awful. Grumbling, I threw my arm around her waist and pulled her close, trying to keep her still. It worked alright, Darla stilled, her body tensing immediately under my touch. Her reflexes were perfect, she was holding her breath, waiting for what might happen next. I was about to move my arm when she relaxed, and a few moments later her breathing was even. Darla didn't move away and her expression changed, as if her nightmare had just gone away suddenly.
Figuring that if I moved, Darla would probably wake up again and I wouldn't get a full night of sleep- again - I stayed as I was, my arm around her and her body close to mine. I felt warm and I let that warmth overcome me and take me back to sleep.
When I woke up Darla was still asleep, and she hadn't moved one inch out of my embrace. I looked at her: those read little curls were spread across her forehead, her flawless skin gleaming and those pinky-red lips curving in a half smile. At that moment I felt the urge to kiss her, and I did, my lips barely brushing hers –they were as soft as I remembered them. Darla smiled some more and turned around without waking up.
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I can't believe it. Today is the day and I'm not my usual crying mess. Last night I was in the middle of my usual nightmare getting ready for the worst part, but then I felt something. I don't know what it was, but I don't remember anything after that. I didn't go back to my nightmare, instead I was blessed with a dreamless sleep. I haven't had one of those in a very long, long time. Jacen was already gone, as usual, when I woke up, so I decided to walk to the church in town. I stayed there for a long time, praying for all my friends who had died on a day like this four years ago.
Charles, Robert, Derossi, Conrad, Allen, Greg and Toby. The names came easily as I prayed for each their souls, taking in the gothic church bit by bit as I remembered something about each of them. Charles was a red head, like me, hot tempered too, but also loyal to death; Robert and Derossi were best friends and always got together to say the most far-fetched lies. 'Artistic license' they would say as one. Conrad was Hector's twin and one of the best men I've ever known. Allen was the best horse raider, since he had a gift with animals. Greg was the intellectual and could come up with plans in matter of minutes as the rest of us just scratched our heads, trying to understand. Toby was a sweetheart, he made the most beautiful drawings about everything, he wanted to become a painter when he was done with his time in the army.
After a while, I decided to go back to the palace, since it was almost noon.
"Your Majesty?" I heard someone call as I felt a tug on my skirt.
"Yes?" I said, turning around to see a girl and a boy. I love children "What's the matter?" The boy whispered something into the girl's ear.
"Chris says that he thinks you're very pretty." The girl repeated, and I kneeled down to be at their level. "And that he understands why the king married you."
"Chris is a sweet talker, isn't he?" I asked smiling. But she shook her head no.
"He doesn't really say much since his parents died, at the war, you know. That's why he needs me, I'm the only one who understands him." She said very seriously. "We live at the orphan's house and we wanted to thank you."
"What for? I haven't done anything."
"Well, before you came the nuns were going to close the place because they didn't have enough to support it - we are too many kids and the resources where limited. But now, we have all we need and the nuns said it was because of you. (2)"
"What's your name?"
"I'm Amy."
"Well, Amy and Chris, listen to me: if you guys ever need something at the orphan's house, go to the palace and ask for Mrs. Ruth in the kitchens, ok? Leave me a message with her, and I'll do whatever I can to help you."
Mrs. Ruth was the head of the maids at the palace. It had been Mrs. Ruth who told me that one of my obligations as queen was to send support to all the charities that helped people who had been damaged by the war: the orphans house, the hospice, etc. Mrs. Ruth told me that they needed more help than what they were getting, so I took it upon myself to make sure they got all what they needed and I could give. It turned out that at Jacen's palace no one ever says 'no' to me. When I ordered to send more of everything, I didn't even had to check with Jacen first, people in charge just followed suit.
"We'll remember that." Amy said, and Chris whispered something else into her ear before reaching out his hand and giving me something. It was a wood cross with a little black lace to wear around your neck. "He wants to give it to you." Amy explained as I took it. "He made it. It is the only thing he knows how to do."
"I'll keep it close, always." I said and Chris smiled. Then they saw something behind me and said goodbye quickly.
"Milady," Sir Eric said at my back "Here you are. The king sent me to look for you. He was wondering where you were." I stood up.
"Just came to church."
"Next time let us know first. Jacen was worried." I was surprised Jacen even cared. Sir Eric told one of the soldiers that were with him to go and tell the king that they had found me. Then he turned to me as we walked the town streets up hill to the palace, smiling. "You like kids a lot, don't you? You looked happy talking to them."
"Oh, yes, I love kids. I want to have a big family someday."
"Hope you like boys, considering there haven't been any girls in the Bear royal family since who-knows-when." He stopped suddenly. "Well, that's not true. There was Jasmine. She was Jacen's and Jared's sister but she was born dead, and killed the boys' mother in the process. After that, their father was never the same. He got careless, and got himself killed in battle mere weeks after his wife death."
"I didn't know that." I said dumbly. What do you say when someone tells you something like that?
"No one talks about it. Jacen was just fourteen, Jared was ten. Being king is too much of a responsibility for a fourteen year old, but Jacen did it, and has done it ever since. Jacen is my godson, you know, and I helped him all I could. But he aged much too soon - aged under the weight of responsibility and loss of dependency."
"Where were you?" Jacen asked, meeting us half the way up to the palace. "You can't just disappear like that."
"I'll take my leave." Sir Eric said, waving the escorts to follow him.
"I'm sorry, didn't think you would wonder where I was."
"But I did."
"And I said I was sorry." Circular conversations. We tended to do that when we actually talked, which wasn't that often. Jacen grumbled something and took off his cloak, putting it around my shoulders.
"You'll get sick." Jacen said. The cloak was warm, and I felt funny. We walked in silence until we reached the bridge over the river that goes around the palace's gardens. From there you could see all Bear Town, stretching in front of you. "You don't have to feel sorry for me, because of what Eric told you." He said briskly, coming to an abrupt stop.
"I don't." I said, stopping too and leaning into the stone fence of the bridge. "I might respect you a little itsy bit more, but I don't feel sorry for you. I only feel sorry for people who feel sorry for themselves. I feel sorry for their stupidity and weakness of spirit. Self-pity and despair are the only sins that God doesn't forgive."
"Talking about sins and God, going to church. Never thought you were the religious type."
"And I'm not." I said. "But I promised my friends I would pray for them on their death anniversary."
"Who died today?"
"All of them except two. I would be dead too, but that day Hector and Adam convinced me to go exploring with them. We were running out of food and water and we still had a long journey in front of us so we decided to search for more supplies. So the three of us weren't there when the Crows attacked. They left none alive. The camp site was burned to the ground, we didn't even had anything to bury. I remember running back to the camp as soon as we saw the smoke and the flames, but we couldn't get there soon enough. That's what my nightmares are made of,." I muttered, thinking how I didn't got to the worst part of that nightmare the night before.
"What did you do about it?"
"We hunted them down," I said, that old hate coming back again. "It took us two years to find them all. We couldn't kill them, though. My father told us when we joined the army that 'vengeance might dull the pain but the least we feel, the least we care' so as good soldiers we turned them in. Those Crows faced court, but Father never told us what the court decided."
"I've never liked the Crows," Jacen said. "They like turning the Bears and the Wolves against each other and then just watch as we tear each other down."
"You noticed that too?"
"Yeah, it is another plus about our marriage. Not only did open war between Wolfs and Bears stopped, but also the Crows stopped poking at each of us and saying it was the other who did it. They'll never attack both our armies at the same time."
"Good thing we would do anything for peace, don't you think?" I said without thinking. Jacen just looked up to the sky.
"I don't think it is going to snow for another week."
"The view from here must be amazing." I said looking down to that from-a-painting happy village.
"It is. I think you're going to like it."
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Author's Notes;
Here is the deal with the (1)and (2)
(1) You'll understand why Darla says that his friend is still rooting for the house team later on when they go to Darla's house in the Wolf Lands.
(2) I know that maybe kids don't talk like that and that probably wouldn't understand the whole deal with the orphan's house, but this aren't regular kids, they grew under a war and lost their parents, and I think that if something can make you wake up and face reality is that.
And sorry about the colloquialisms, my beta did the best she could taking me away from there but there where I couple of places where I didn't took them off even when she told me too.
More random notes?
Well, I lost my Beta, she is very busy right now and can't continue to help me anymore, this was the last chapter he could help me with. So I'll go in the search of a new one. The next update might take a while but I'll try to have something by the next week before my tests.
I hate Math!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why am not good at calculus? No one beats me in Algebra and Arithmetics but then there is that stupid Calculus! I so hate college.
Oh, and the thanks:
MonalexPotter: Tu puedes dejar el review como quiereas, gracias por leer esta historia. A decir verdad creo que me gusta mas el español que el ingles como idioma.
DH L'Orange: Thanks, I think that Darla is totally and completely girlish when she is relaxed. And thanks for what you said about the characters.
SukiYumi: Yeah, Elena is a prick, but she isn't that bad just a bit heart broken and too used to getting her way.
Nosilla: Thanks!
Karli: About the last name, that was actually a evil deed of my evil kb. I had wrote something else with an S but this thing messed up and when I realized it was Sharade and I was too lazy to change it.
Hobnob: Thanks for reading, and oh yes, they do go to the Wolf Lands, you'll see why in a chapter or two.
Thanks Again to Everyone!!!!!!!!
Another Note about Jacen: See how I said that Jacen was tall, dark and handsome?, well, from what I saw in the cover when I was ordering Hawksong, you could also apply that description to Zane Cobriana. Jacen is based on a fictional character, that's true, but he is based on Jacen Solo, eldest son of Princess Leia and Han Solo in the NJO (he has a twin sister, Jaina and a stupid younger brother, Anakin, that got himself killed in the war against the Vong.) I'm a Star Wars geek!
Well, that's it for today!
Much Love, Alex.