Memento [Part Ten]
It was white. The walls were so white he got dizzy just looking at it. In fact, not only were the walls too white, everything was too sterile as well. Germs would have shuddered at the sight of it. Now that he was there, he didn't ever remember being in a hospital for anytime longer than a day.
"Winner, Quatre. What room number?"
"205," a nurse answered almost immediately. They were frightened of his presence; he could tell. "Just go straight ahead and turn left."
He nodded in thanks and continued walking; looking at the room numbers to make sure he didn't miss it. It was strange how he ended up there or rather, how Quatre ended up there.
He remembered being tranquilized during his momentary abandon, only to wake up a few hours later calmer than he'd ever been. He took the time to compose himself before once again demanding for a test to find out once and for all who the other guy really was.
In his moment of conviction, he'd forgotten about Quatre's established ill health and ended him up in a hospital. And they all thought he was the person who needed it more. He shook his head. Quatre definitely needed more body mass and a stronger immune system.
"There he was, naked as the day he was born, taking my call and asking me to marry him. I mean, I understand that he was sleep-walking but dear god, he should have had a little bit of decency to put something on. That's when I called the guys. Before Heero woke up that day, he had a fake marriage license and a complimentary picture of Hilde, him and I naked on the bed."
Trowa paused and looked up to check the number of the room. It was 205 and the voice coming from inside the room was Duo's. The laughter, however, was Quatre's. He was sure then that he was in front of the right door. He knocked twice before entering.
The room fell silent almost immediately. Trowa found Duo seated at the foot of the bed, most likely in the middle of one of his rather animated narrations and Quatre was reclined on the bed, looking down at his folded hands. They were obviously both alarmed to see him there.
"Continue. I'm taking him elsewhere."
Trowa recognized the voice as Heero's. The man had successfully sneaked behind him without notice. He felt Heero tug at his arm but he didn't move. He did absolutely nothing wrong and he was not about to get a lecture from Heero. He'd much rather have his ears chopped off.
"I'm not saying it twice," Heero said.
This time, Trowa complied and was lead into one of the larger waiting areas just next to surgery. It was a private room and no one was in there. Actually, nobody but Wufei was in there.
"I dare you to tell me what I did wrong," Trowa started. He saw where this was going and he was going to stand his ground whether Heero liked it or not.
"You've got his blood samples, urine samples, saliva extracts; you name it. You've got every possible body fluid in a bottle. You've stripped searched him from head to toe. Shall I go on?"
Trowa stared at him hard, daring him to provoke a more emotional response from him.
"They were needed for the tests and I didn't require any of those fluids myself. They were part of the procedure," he answered.
"Did you even consider how many pints of blood they practically pumped out for all those different tests?" Heero said. His voice was quiet and even but filled with emotion.
Wufei, however, kept silent, serving as their buffer that time around. Duo was much too occupied to play peacekeeper.
"I didn't know he was anemic," was all Trowa said.
Heero spouted obscenities and Trowa had no idea what half of them meant.
"What is it, Heero?" Trowa decided to ask. "What vested interest do you have in my problems?"
Heero punched the wall right next to Trowa's head although the impact of the punch was made just enough so that he wouldn't end up destroying hospital property. Neither one of them flinched.
"I know it's difficult," Wufei decided to cut in. The time seemed best. "I don't know exactly how difficult it is for either of you but this story isn't over yet. I could step back and let you two pummel each other to the ground but I expect you to act civilized."
Heero didn't waste any time and continued on with his half of the story.
"You're not the only one messed up by all this," he said. "We all are. Duo hasn't left Quatre alone and both Wufei and I haven't slept a minute since we found out about it. All I ask for you is to leave the remaining Quatre out of this."
Trowa didn't look like he was listening and it proved to anger Heero even more. Sometimes Trowa's indifferent take of the world was infuriating.
"He has nothing to do with this," Heero continued. "I don't want him ending up as messed up as we are. You know exactly what you're doing. You're digging his grave right next to ours."
"I just want answers," Trowa said. "I don't know what you expect me to do but this is a little too hard to take. I never meant for anything to end up this way but that's how it goes."
He didn't say any more and exited the room, eager to go back and check up on Quatre and Duo. If they were still scared of him then so be it. He did feel guilty for demanding several things while looking like he was going to murder them. He was angry but he didn't mean to be so livid.
"I'm coming in," he said when he reached the intended door.
Before he could turn the doorknob, he was alerted by one of the nurses with a phone call. Apparently, someone was resourceful enough to track him down to the hospital. It could only be one person.
"My god, Trowa, don't look at the newspapers!"
Too late. There was one right next to the vid-phone. Lucky for Cathy and for him too that the particular headline didn't have any graphic images attached. There was simply a picture of Quatre, smiling for a photo shoot taken a few years back.
"Don't worry about it Cathy," he said. He didn't want to worry her more than she already was.
"Do you want me to come over?" she asked. "I can catch the next shuttle back."
Trowa thought about it. All other times he would have practically begged her to come but for some reason his confidence levels were high. There must have been something amiss with the tranquilizers. Either that, or there was still one Quatre left to satiate his grief this time around.
"No. I'll be fine," he answered. "I know you're supposed to be performing tonight so I'll call you later instead."
"Are you sure?" she asked again. The expression on her face said it all.
"Yeah," he answered. "Just try to concentrate or you might cut off someone's finger."
"Alright," she answered. That was what he liked best about her. She didn't insist on anything and trusted his word, always willing to let him handle things on his own when he had to.
"If you don't make that promised call though, I'm calling you."
But that didn't mean that she wasn't upset either.
"Sure."
The call was disconnected and Trowa had to again remember what he was supposed to do before the call. He didn't even get the chance to think when another call came through. Speaking of another resourceful woman... Relena sure knew how to find any of them at any given moment in time.
"I heard about it," said her frightened voice as her face slowly came into view. "Just tell me if you need anything done and I'll get right to it."
That was what was great about her. Although a little too busy sometimes, Relena took it upon herself to take care of them whenever they needed it. It was next to impossible to get her to spend quality time with them but her political ties were more than enough to aid them many times before. She was the person who took over when Quatre could no longer cover up for them.
"We'll be fine for now although I don't know how long," he said, glancing at the room he was intending to enter. "I'm a bit lost... I don't think I'd be the one you'd like to talk to right now."
Trowa looked anywhere but at the screen. He knew she had that face, the same face he saw when Quatre had gone missing years back. It was sympathy beyond all else but it was the kind that made him understand the gravity of the situation. He hated seeing the truth in her eyes.
"I don't know what to say," she said.
He nodded. She was smart enough when to stop questioning and just be there for quiet support. He didn't need to hear any 'I'm sorry' speeches. After all, it was a ploy used by spectators to trivialize a loss. It was nothing more to him than an automatic response fueled by necessity.
"Thank you," was all he said.
There was an awkward pause before Wufei stepped in from who knows where to continue the conversation with Relena. While he did like the quiet sympathy, he was eager to see Quatre. It was a craving almost close to an addiction.
"You go ahead. I'll tell her what needs to be done."
Again, Trowa nodded and then stepped back into the hallway to find the room he was looking for. When he heard Duo's voice, he didn't need to look up. He knew he was in the right place for sure.
"No way I'm leaving him," he heard Duo say. "Heero, let go of me."
He turned his head to find Heero tugging on Duo's arm just as was done to him earlier. It was becoming a pattern, he noticed.
"I'm not saying it twice."
Duo complied this time and Heero took that time to give Trowa a warning stare. He stared back at him indifferently, knowing just what it meant. When the two cleared the doorway, he came into Quatre's room and noticed the other's lack of greeting. In fact, Quatre was still finding that interesting spot on his folded hands fascinating.
"Mind if I join you?" he asked anyway.
Quatre looked up, wide-eyed before nodding. Trowa chose to occupy the position Duo had been in earlier at the foot of the bed. It was still warm and cozy after all.
"You know, I usually don't go into any temper tantrums," he started. "So you shouldn't look at me like I'm going to bite your head off."
That seemed to calm Quatre down a little as he looked up to meet Trowa's gaze.
"And I thought you wanted me dead," Quatre said and Trowa's instant reaction was to tense up.
"It's the last thing I would want," he said.
"Oh! I guess I shouldn't have said that," Quatre said right away. He looked even more nervous after the slip.
"There's no reason why you shouldn't be completely sincere with me. I may be mourning but I'm not fragile."
Quatre looked at him.
"You know I didn't mean it that way, right?"
"Yeah," Trowa answered. "Although I still find your ability to apologize without saying it out loud rather fascinating."
Quatre didn't answer this time and looked down at his hands instead. He was nervous. In fact, they were both nervous. There was just something difficult about trying to be completely honest without being insensitive.
"But if you don't mind me asking," Trowa started again, this time changing the subject. It was the best method to ward off any nervous discomfort. "Where did you get the scar?"
Quatre blinked. He must have forgotten that he had one. Trowa began to wonder. During his frenzied hysteria, he managed to get Quatre's shirt off, much to Duo's dismay, and found that the single scar he was looking for turned into one disturbing sight.
He remembered an earlier encounter in which he'd seen the scar, back at his doctor's clinic. His suspicions were confirmed when he saw that the long line that started on Quatre's back continued on, all the way to his stomach. Unfortunately, that same ugly line erased any trace of every other scar along the way. It was quite impossible to distinguish any older scars that must have been there. If it was, in fact, there earlier then it must have been covered up by the huge counterpart.
"Uhh," Quatre said while Trowa thought about it more. "What were you talking about?"
"It's the large scar on your stomach," Trowa pointed out.
"Oh," Quatre answered, putting his hand over it. "That one. I got it way back when I was a kid but I don't know the details. I must have been too young to remember."
There it was again. Until the results of the tests came in, he wouldn't be able to determine if that was the real Quatre covered up or if he was someone else. Quatre, to Trowa's dismay, was much like the scar of questionable origin. He knew that plans always had flaws and although they did find part of the real Quatre, it was a probability that this Quatre was him as well. He didn't know how but his mind inexorably convinced him that anything was conceivable even if it didn't make any sense.
He sighed and decided that his inquiries were going nowhere. Since it was best that he act a little less conspicuous, Trowa decided to leave his investigation for the meantime. Something a little friendlier was best in order, both to clam Quatre down and to get his mind off dreadful thoughts.
"Do you need anything?" he asked.
Trowa shifted in his position, causing his hand to accidentally brush over Quatre's foot. It was cold as ice.
"No. I'm fine," Quatre answered, his blonde hair flying in different directions as he shook his head. It was disturbingly familiar when he didn't have his hair combed back as usual.
Trowa sighed again.
"You know, don't you?" Trowa asked although the question seemed more like a statement.
"Duo told me," Quatre admitted. "I thought he was married to Relena Darlian."
Trowa laughed and realized that the sound was foreign even to his ears.
"Heero would have strangled him," he said. "That absurdity is one of the reasons why I don't pick up the tabloids."
"I had no idea you guys were former Gundam pilots," Quatre said.
"Yeah."
"That would explain a lot of things..."
"What, the reason why we're slightly psychotic?"
Quatre smiled.
"Actually, you all have your little quirks but then you do admit to it, right?"
Trowa felt better but something tugged at him in his head, telling him that he shouldn't be too happy yet. After all, there was still someone to mourn for. He didn't want to push Quatre away by becoming cold all of a sudden so he did the first thing that came to mind. He picked up Quatre's cold foot and began warming it up with his hands.
Quatre didn't seem to mind and looked at him gratefully instead.
"Tell me what it is," Trowa requested. "What is it you feel for me? Do you pity me? Do you feel guilty for looking like him? Do you regret that we ever came across each other?"
"It's more complicated that I could explain," Quatre answered. "I do pity the fact that you've lost your spouse but then I feel nervous both for the fact that I look like him and that I might bring you greater harm than good. I do feel guilty for coming into your life. Maybe it would have been better if it never happened but I can't stop but feel grateful that I did get to meet you. I don't regret anything and for that, I feel so ashamed."
Trowa stopped momentarily, unable to believe what he heard. He'd been having the same thoughts as well. It was very comforting to find someone else on the same boat because it felt like he wasn't alone in his confusion.
"I feel the same way too," he said, picking up Quatre's other foot. "I'm just as confused, not that I could really explain how but I do feel lost."
"Could I ask you something private?" Quatre suddenly asked.
Trowa seemed reluctant but nodded anyway.
"Are you hoping that I'm him?"
"Yes."
Quatre paused and looked at him although Trowa's attention was concentrated on the foot.
"Maybe you'll be disappointed with the results but I know something for sure," Quatre said. "Even if I'm supposed to stay away from you I can't do it because you're almost an addiction."