Disclaimer: I did 13 chapters of disclaimers already. No matter how dumb you are, I'm sure you clue in by now that GG is not my rightful property.
14 – What Can I Say?
Jess picked up the phone. He stared hard at the numbers on a scrap piece of paper and then stared hard at the numbers on the phone. The monotonous dial tone hummed impatiently as if coaxing him into action. He had been repeating that motion with more or less the same result: chickening out and slamming the phone back onto the cradle.
Procrastination is a curse.
He stared at the phone angrily, as if accusing it for his current indecisiveness. An unstoppable wave of frustration attacked him. He was frustrated at his own hesitance. But mainly he was frustrated at himself.
He kept analyzing that night. Jess remembered their entire conversation, up to and including that Man Ray bit. Well, that proved that he was sober enough to be aware of his actions. But try as he might, he couldn't remember why he leaned in and kissed her and why they did more than kissing. No amount of analyzing could give him the proper explanation that he so desperately needed.
Why? Why? WHY? WHY????
Two weeks. It had been two weeks since that night and he still couldn't figure out the reason behind the action. It had been two weeks since he last saw her retreating figure, holding back the urge to yell out her name.
That thought alone, the fact that he wanted to call out her name, the fact that he selfishly wanted her to stay next to him, was an entirely new experience for him. And that scared the shit out of him. He didn't know what to do with this newfound emotion.
So he did nothing.
And because of that, he kept wondering if he should've done something.
Jess ducked into the kitchen and retrieved a beer from the fridge. He pressed the cold bottle against his forehead, hoping its icy coolness might help clear his mind.
What surprised him the most though was the amount of time and energy he used to decipher that night.
Why did he kiss her? Why did she kiss him back? Why didn't she back off when he pulled off her shirt? Why did she press herself against him when rationale should've prevented her from doing so?
These were questions with no concrete answers. At this point, he had to admit he only knew one thing: the fact that he was upset.
Upset. Not disappointed, not regretful, not angry. He was upset.
Was he upset because he might've ruined a possible friendship? Perhaps. Paris was smart and articulate and he would love to know somebody, besides Rory, that could keep up with him intellectually.
Was he upset because of all people, he slept with Paris, Rory's best friend? Well, a little bit. He knew that night would forever alter the dynamic between the three of them.
As if his current relationship with Rory wasn't complicated enough as was.
There was one possibility that he didn't consider. Or perhaps the idea flashed across his mind, but he quickly deemed it too absurd to be true. The possibility that he might have done this as a reaction to Rory's seemingly indestructible relationship with Tristan.
But that was just silly!
He just couldn't figure this out. He approached Rory's room. He would like some advice on this mess and it seemed Rory was a likely counselor on this subject.
On the other hand, he really didn't know how to start.
Hey Rory, remember that night when Paris was supposed to show up but you ditched her and went to Stars Hollow? It was two weeks ago, remember that? Well, guess what, while you and DuGrey made up, Paris and I, for reasons that are unknown to me, ended up sleeping together. We haven't seen or conversed with each other since then. So, what do you think?
Yeah, that would go smoothly. For one, Rory probably didn't know they had seen each other. She assumed that Paris left the apartment before Jess came home. He never took time to correct that presumption. And judging by the lack of reaction from Rory, Paris probably didn't tell her about it either.
At least they had an unexpected and unspoken mutual agreement on the secrecy of the matter.
Some part of him rejected the idea of telling Rory the whole truth. What happened probably should remain as a secret until both of them figured it out. Or at the very least, until they discussed it.
That was the other frustrating thing about this. He didn't know what Paris was thinking. Was she regretting it? Was she mad? Did she stay awake at night contemplating their situation? Did she dismiss it as a momentary lapse of sanity and pretend it never happened? Did she even care?
What was going through her mind at this moment?
That's it, enough second-guessing. He needed to talk to Rory about this.
Jess took a deep breath and swallowed all his apprehensions. He poked his head into Rory's room and saw that she was working on something. The weaker part of him, the part that didn't want to discuss this openly, saw this as the perfect chance to retreat. But he suppressed those urges and knocked on Rory's door anyway.
"Rory." He sounded much more hesitant than he expected.
"Oh. Hey Jess." Rory reached over to her stereo to turn down the volume. "I didn't hear you. Come on in."
"I'm sorry if I interrupted anything. I can come back later."
"No, sit. I just have to edit one more paragraph and then I'm done."
He went over and sat on his usual spot on the bed while he arranged his words. He wanted to tell her all his troubles, right off the bat. But he didn't. The words waiting on the tip of his tongue dissolved without a trace. What followed was just silence.
He thought he would miraculously know what to say once he saw her. But Rory's presence didn't make this any easier. After a second try and still not finding the right words, he retreated to a topic that he was comfortable with.
"Is it Gwen Stefani that I'm hearing?" Yeah, smooth, Jess
"Yeah, Tristan and I exchanged a pile of CDs."
Rory knew that their diverging music tastes wasn't the reason behind their fight, but they did fight over it and she was uncomfortable with this gap between them. After that horrible experience, Rory didn't want to fight with Tristan again. One way of approaching this was to eliminate the things that they could fight over.
First up, music.
So she suggested a CD exchange. She lent him some of her CDs and he reciprocated. He liked that idea too, agreeing that perhaps they could find some common ground through this. So far, his choice of music yielded quite a few pleasant surprises.
Perhaps she overestimated the slight discrepancies in their music taste. This seemed to be the perfect exercise for her to learn to let go and accept these discrepancies.
Rory didn't notice it, but Jess's face scrunched up for a millisecond at the mentioning of Tristan. But he didn't do it on purpose. It seemed to be a natural response. Like blinking, or breathing. It was an automatic gesture that he wasn't even aware of as he did it.
"This reminds me of junior high."
"It wasn't that bad." She defended Tristan naturally.
"I didn't say it was bad. I just said this reminded me of junior high." Back when he liked No Doubt. Don't ask him how. Actually, even though he didn't think too highly of them now, Tragic Kingdom was still one of his guilty pleasures.
"I wasn't sure when Tristan gave me this. But now that I've actually listened to it, Tragic Kingdom wasn't as bad as I expected. In fact, I kind of like it." She said that with a touch of disbelief. As if she didn't know how that had happened.
"What else did he give you?"
"Buck 65. Have you heard of them?"
"Him, singular. He's a rapper, not a band. I think he's Canadian"
"Rap?" She asked incredulously. Why would Tristan give her rap?
"Rap, blues, hip-hop, electronica, it's hard to pin down a particular style on him. He's quite good actually." He reluctantly gave credit to Tristan's choice. "What else?"
"Yeah Yeah Yeahs."
"I thought you liked them?"
"Not since they got famous and performed on the MTV movie awards."
"You really have to correct your bad habit of dumping bands once they get big."
"That's almost exactly what Tristan said." She fished out the CD and looked at the song list. She had to admit, she did like Fever to Tell and perhaps she gave up on them too soon.
"I've been telling you that since forever," he muttered. He was mildly dejected at the way she valued Tristan's opinion more than his despite them having the exact same opinion.
"I know. But bands usually suck once they go multi-platinum. Case in point, The Strokes. And even if they don't suck, their styles became different. Like the Black Eyed Peas."
"I guess. But the same rules don't apply to everybody." He gestured at Rory to hand over the CD case. He took out the No Doubt CD from the stereo and exchanged it for Yeah Yeah Yeahs. "See, still awesome."
"Hmm. Not bad," she agreed.
"Is that all that all you got?"
"Nope. I got Hot Hot Heat and–" Rory fished around for the last CD, "The Sounds. Have you heard of them?"
"Yep. I have to say, DuGrey's music collection isn't as bad as I expected it to be. So what did you give him?"
"A. C. Newman, Dismemberment Plan, Radio Berlin, Dandy Warhol and Lemon Jelly. It's a little bit of everything."
"A. C. Newman. He's the guy from The New Pornographers right?" Rory nodded. "Did he like them?"
"So far he has yet to call me and complain. So I assume he likes them," she shrugged.
"Hey, you want to go out to dinner tonight?"
Jess knew he wasted enough time talking about music and he knew he should approach the topic of Paris. But at the last minute, he stalled. Honestly, he still didn't know how to tell Rory about that night.
He was really getting good at procrastinating.
"Sure. But Paris is coming to pick up her thesis, so we have to wait for her."
"Paris is coming here to pick up her thesis?"
"Yeah. I can't believe I actually managed to finish editing that thing. It was so freakishly long," she complained. "Most of the time I didn't even know what she was talking about. I just picked up the typos and grammar mistakes and hope she has somebody else to figure out the technical part of it."
"Paris. Here?" Jess was still too shocked to properly digest this new development.
"Yes, Paris. Remember that time you dropped in on our study session? Heck, that was before I started dating you! Man, that was a long time ago." She said that last part softly, as if it was a memory worth dwelling on. "Maybe we can see if she wants to join us. I'm sure you guys can pick up right where you left off."
Jess was glad that he had finished his beer by now because had he been drinking, Rory's comment will for sure cause him to choke on his drink. Nonetheless, Jess was properly stunned.
Oh, you have no idea where we left off. You couldn't even guess where we left off.
Somehow, the picture of him having dinner with Paris, in the presence of Rory, pushed him to the edge of an aneurysm. Just before he could voice his protest over the dinner arrangement, the doorbell rang.
"That must be her!" Rory walked excitedly towards the door.
At that moment, a thought crossed Jess's mind. Should he hide underneath Rory's bed? You know, just to keep the procrastination streak alive. But he didn't. He sucked it up and leaned against the couch, trying his best to appear as nonchalant as possible.
Maybe her unannounced appearance was a sign telling him that he should confront her head-on.
When the girls finished their greetings and hugging, Jess pushed himself off the couch and said, "Hey Paris." He hoped that came out as casual sounding as he intended it to be. "Long time no see!" He added that part for the benefit of Rory.
"Oh, hi Jess." She was less successful in adopting a casual tone. In fact, Jess thought he might detect a hint of hurt in her voice.
"Paris, would you like a drink?"
"Sure. Can I have something without caffeine please?" She stuttered a bit, obviously still shocked at seeing Jess here.
She silently scolded herself. Why was she so surprised at seeing him here? After all, the guy did live here.
"The only non-caffeine drink we have is water and herbal tea." He suggested after mentally scanning the pantry. "You know Rory."
"I'll have the tea then."
"I'll be right back. Jess, help me entertain Paris while I make tea."
Rory left the room. And then there were two.
They both stared awkwardly at each other, searching for the right words to say to each other. Both of them clearly not used to handling emotions of such magnitude. Both of them clearly were not accustomed to such awkwardness.
After a short pause, all Jess could come up with was a rather lame, "How are you?"
"Fine," she replied succinctly.
They lapsed into the familiar silence again. After a moment, one of them spoke up again. This time, it was Paris's turn.
"About that night-"
Before she could finish her sentence, they heard the whistling of the water kettle. Rory was going to come back soon and they obviously needed much more time to detangle this mess that they were in.
Quickly, Jess suggested, "There's a coffee shop across the street-"
"Run by that sweet Canadian couple? I know where you're talking about, I've been there."
"I'll wait for you."
Those four words would have probably sounded much better in another context.
"Okay."
"So, did you guys catch up with each other while I was gone?" Rory came back and handed her the cup of hot tea.
"Yes. Paris just told me she's getting a PhD in biochemistry." Jess easily recalled their previous conversation.
"No, I'm close to getting my PhD. I still need to hand in my thesis for approval." She was much more at ease now. He could hear it from her voice. "Speaking of my thesis, are you done with it?"
"Yeah. It's right here in my room. I think we should go through parts of it together because I'm not exactly sure what you meant. All those technical terms got a bit confusing after a while."
Before Rory went in to retrieve her thesis, Jess piped up, "Hey, why don't I leave the two of you alone. I just remember Matt's sister's birthday is coming up and she wanted a copy of the compiled works of the Grimm's Brothers. I want to see if I can find a copy."
"Oh, Okay. Are we still going to dinner afterwards?"
"We'll see. How about I'll call you if I can't make it back in time."
"Sure. Hey Paris, you want to go to dinner after this? We can still go even if Jess can't make it."
"Nah. I'll need to work on that thesis." She lied easily. "Besides, Wilbur and I are catching a movie later tonight."
"Aww. Too bad." Rory was the only person in the room that was speaking the truth.
"Yeah, too bad," Jess grabbed his keys and opened the door. "Well, I'll see you later. Paris, it's always a pleasure seeing you. Maybe we can have a longer chat next time."
"Sure. I got a post-doc at the Rockefeller Institute. So maybe I'll drop by here more often." Well, that wasn't a lie.
"That's nice. Bye!"
Jess slammed the door behind him and took a deep breath. He slowly began to piece together the words that he was going to say later as he waited for the elevator.
If he wasn't so preoccupied by Paris, he might notice this was the first time he stood Rory up.
Instead of the other way around.
When he first saw her walking into the café, he expected another extended awkward silence. But she sat down, ordered her drink, and quickly got to the point. Guess two weeks of stasis was enough of a motivation and icebreaker for her.
"It wasn't a mistake." She said that assertively. And Jess believed her.
"No it wasn't."
"Then what's with the radio silence?" She was part desperate, part hysterical, part accusatory.
"I didn't know what to say," he admitted truthfully. "I damn well couldn't call you and say, 'Hi Paris, it's me, Jess. That was a nice shag. Listen, you want to catch an off-Broadway show this Tuesday?'"
"You don't have to be vulgar about it!" She hissed.
"I'm not being vulgar, I'm telling the truth. The problem is I didn't know what to say to you if I did call you. I can't explain why I did that, because honestly, I still can't figure out why exactly I kissed you. I don't want to apologize because honestly, I don't regret it. And as you've just said, it wasn't a mistake.
"The only thing I know was that it felt good, and for a moment, it felt real. And because of that, I'm a little bit scared because right now because I'm afraid it was all a fling to you.
"I hope it wasn't a one-night-stand." He said that with a sincerity and candidness that both shocked and impressed her.
That was the other reason why he was too afraid to call her. What if she icily told him that what happened between them was indeed a one-night-stand. A chance occurrence. All that worrying and hesitation would come crashing down to an anticlimactic end.
Paris digested his words. Was that Jess Mariano's twisted way of asking her out?
"It wasn't," she assured him.
As absurd as it sounded, there was something between her and Jess and she didn't want to give up on him before she could verify the exact nature of it.
"Oh." He felt relaxed for the first time in two weeks. "So, you want to go to an off-Broadway show this Tuesday?"
Before she could answer him, she wanted to make a point very clear. He should be aware of the rules before he was too late in the game.
"Here's a problem. Remember Wilbur, my non-boyfriend? Well, he's not going anywhere soon. In fact I wasn't lying when I said we're going to a movie later." Her anticipation to that event dwindled steadily as time flows by.
She wanted Jess to know that Wilbur was that unwanted third wheel that she could never get rid of. In fact, she wanted him to understand that if they ever have a relationship, in any shape or form, it would be a love-triangle-from-Hell right off the bat.
Jess contemplated her implications. Strangely, he understood that Wilbur was only an obligation, more so than Paris expected him to understand.
He looked at the person sitting before him. Pretty, funny, smart as a whip. The last time he met someone like that was ... well ... Rory. He easily argued that he couldn't give Paris up just because of a technicality.
"You said you do not care about him, right?" Paris nodded. "Then I don't give a flying fuck."
Paris smiled. Somehow, that marked the unorthodox beginning to their wholly unorthodox relationship.
Author's note: As I once stressed, the pairing right now may not be permanent. It appears to be Trory and Dipper for this moment. But I do reserve the right to keep them ambiguous. And you (or I, for that matter) won't know the exact pairing until there's a "The End."