Here Comes My Santa!
An Itsudatte My Santa! fanfiction by Kamui Archetype
Disclaimer: Itsudatte My Santa, AI Love You, Love Hina, Negima, and Mao-chan, as well as the characters in these series are the property of Ken Akamatsu and whatever companies, organizations, etc. are involved in their production. I'm just borrowing them for my own fun (not in that way, perverts!).
'These' are thoughts
#These# are just general noises and sound effects, like coughing, things hitting people's heads, etc.
Don't expect too much from this, folks. This was just something I idly wrote.
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"Be careful. We don't want to wake them up!"
"I know that!"
Two figures dressed in Santa outfits whispered to each other. Had anyone been watching, he or she would have come to the conclusion that they were burglars making sure that the inhabitants of this particular dwelling would have a miserable holiday. However, if such an observer took a closer look, he or she would find that the two unknown persons were putting presents under the tree of this particular home.
"C'mon, c'mon, let's hurry Mai!" The young man of the duo, who had the misfortune of being named Santa by his parents, looked around the apartment nervously. "I don't want to be sent to jail!"
"Will you stop rushing me! I'm trying to do this professionally!" The girl called Mai, amateur Santa Claus and granddaughter to the original Kris Kringle, whispered back with a bit of an annoyed tone of voice. "Don't worry so much! I'll handle it if someone wakes up! "
Just then, the two heard a door open. Kobe Hitoshi walked out of his bedroom, then slowly trudged his way to the bathroom. Both Santa and Mai froze as they watched Hitoshi walk past them and into the bathroom, too tired to initially notice the two. After relieving himself, the genius programmer walked back to his room. However, he paused and stared at Mai, who was still frozen.
"Hnn?" Hitoshi looked blearily at Mai. "Saati? Izzat you? Whazz wit' the Santa outfit? And wha' happened to your eyebrows?"
"Uh. . .uh. . ." Mai began to panic. Desperately, Santa did the first thing that came to his mind.
"Uh, this is aaaaallll a dreeeeeeaaaaam! OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!" Santa jumped in front of Hitoshi and began wiggling his fingers in front of the programmer's face.
Hitoshi sleepily looked at Santa, then Mai, then Santa again. "Oh. M'kay. Must be a dream. Reality isn't this stupid."
The sleepy young man slowly trudged back to his room and closed the door.
Mai and Santa both sighed in relief. Kris Kringle's granddaughter, however, then proceeded to whisper fiercely to her companion. "What the hell was that?"
Santa glared back. "A distraction, duh!"
"Well it was stupid!"
"I didn't see you do anything but gibber and panic!"
Mai angrily stared at him, but then backed off, her look changing to a sad one. 'He's right. I'm such a pathetic Santa Claus.' "S. . .sorry. And. . .thanks for helping me out. I guess I really do suck at this."
Santa's face softened at her dejected tone. "Hey, hey, stop that. This was just the first one, and nothing really bad happened, right? The night's still young and we've got a couple of more people to go. So let's get out there and make them happy like Santa Claus' granddaughter should! Don't forget, your first success story's right by your side!"
Mai looked up at Santa, who held his hand to her, urging her to take it. "Idiot. I'm the one who's supposed to be doing the cheering up. But you're not too bad at this. I guess your name really does fit you."
Santa blushed and rubbed the back of his head. "Eheh. Um, let's just get going."
"Right!"
-o-o-o-
As they rode on the sleigh pulled by Mai's reindeer, Pedro, Santa reflected on his situation. 'Well this is just great. And it's all because I'm such a sucker for crying girls.'
(Flashback)
"Hey, Mai, I. . ." Santa, who was holding two small pieces of paper in his hand, stopped and stared. "Umm, Mai, what's this?"
"What's what?"
The young man pointed to the huge bag sitting in the middle of his apartment.
"Oh. Presents for people around the world."
"Ah. I see. So, tell me. . ."
"Hmm?"
"WHY THE HELL IS IT SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY APARTMENT?!?"
Ignoring his outburst, Mai, who was in her usual. . .less developed form, skipped over to the bag and began dragging it towards the door. "Well, Grandfather said #ugh!# that I was ready to take an actual #rrrgh!# delivery route this time! You know I've gotten better #hah!# at pulling out things that people want!" The dark-haired girl fell over after tripping on a slipper.
Santa sighed and went to help her up. 'Considering she's been here a while now, I should be used to stuff like this.' Indeed, it was now hard for Santa to imagine life without the young female Santa Claus. "But did you have to bring it here?"
"Where else was I supposed to put it?"
The young man rolled his eyes. "How about just picking it up at the North Pole?"
"Not enough time for that. We Santas may be able to fly around the world, but we still cut it close sometimes." Mai once again struggled with the bag. "Hey, help me get this on the roof."
"Why don't you just change into your adult form? You're stronger in that, right? And won't someone steal that from the roof?"
"I don't have #arrrgh!# enough power yet. Not until tonight, at least. And the bag's invisible to anyone I choose." She paused to take a breath. "Even then it'll be tough doing this. You know, Grandpa has one or two elves come with him to help with the deliveries. I don't know how I'll make the deadline." She then got an idea. "Hey, maybe you could. . ."
Santa realized what she was going to ask. "NO! No way! It's bad enough that I've been named Santa and was born on Christmas Eve! The last thing I need is to actually do what the real Santa does!"
"Oh come on! Pleeeeease? No one's going to see you anyways. And you don't have to wear an elf costume."
"No means no!!!
Mai looked up at him with crocodile tears. "Please help me. It's. . .it's my first time doing a delivery route and if I don't do a good job. . .then I. . .I. . .I really will be a failure of a Santa Claus!!!"
'Aww, dammit.' The young man sighed, defeated. "Fine." Santa looked at the two tickets in his hand. 'I guess I could give these to her later.'
'Heheheh. Works every time.' Mai wiped away her false tears, then happily hugged him. "Yaaay! Thank you! Now I just have to get your costume!"
"Wait a minute, you said I didn't have to wear one!"
"I said you didn't have to wear an elf costume. I never said anything about a Santa suit!" Mai smiled as she ran to her room and pulled out several red and white outfits. "Now, which one is your size?"
Santa inwardly cried. 'I can't believe I'm spending my birthday like this. . .'
(End Flashback)
Mai's voice brought him out of his memories. "Okay, we're approaching another of our targets! Get ready, Santa!"
'I hope this place goes better.'
Considering the young man's past misfortunes, it wasn't likely that Fate would grant him this one favor.
-o-o-o-
"A girls' dorm. I'm sneaking into girl's dorm. This just gets worse every time." Santa moaned.
Mai smirked. "Liar. I bet you're loving this, you pervert," she stated teasingly.
"I'm not!"
"Shhh!!! Not so loud! If we get caught then you really will be labeled a pervert!"
Santa sighed. "Too bad your magic's not strong enough to make us unnoticeable."
"Sorry, the best I can do is keeping cameras from seeing us."
"Well, that's a lot better than when I first met you."
"Shut up!" Mai pouted. 'Even though that is true. . .'
"That was a compliment!"
"You need to work on your giving compliments to girls." Mai then held her arm out. "Something's coming."
Santa blinked as he saw the approaching object. "A mechanical. . .flying. . .turtle?"
"Shhh! Do you want to get spotted?"
The two intruders watched the mechanical sentry float by. Suddenly, it stopped and a holographic, red exclamation point suddenly appeared above the mechanical turtle's head.
'Oh no! Did it spot us?' Santa and Mai simultaneously thought.
The mechanical turtle shone its light on several cockroaches hiding in a corner. Both Mai and Santa breathed out sighs of relief. 'We're still saf. . ."
#RATATATATATAT!!!#
The robot turtle flew off after it had blasted the insects into several tiny pieces. Santa and Mai sat there, shivering in fright. The male half of the duo recovered first.
"You told me this was completely safe!!!" He whispered fiercely.
"How was I supposed to know there was going to be a turtle that can fire bullets!" Mai shot back. "Anyway, let's keep moving." She smiled at Santa. "Don't worry, I'm not giving up. Like you said, I'm Santa Claus' granddaughter. If I can't do this, I'm not worthy to be a Santa!"
Santa smiled back. "Let's go, Mai."
-o-o-o-
Several minutes later, two tired individuals in somewhat charred clothing managed to crawl down the stairs of the Hinata-sou.
"Flame-throwers. . .who the hell puts flame-throwers on a robot turtle?!?"
"Mai. . .think about that statement for one moment."
The girl blinked, realizing how ridiculous the premise of a flying mechanical guard turtle was in the first place. "Never mind," she mumbled, "let's just dump the presents under the tree and get out of this madhouse."
The two began unloading the gifts that were intended for the inhabitants of the former inn. Just as they were finishing, Santa noticed several glowing points surrounding the area around them. "Wha. . " 'Wait. . .could this be some sort of alarm?!?'
"Mai!" He grabbed his partner's arm and leapt away just as a barrier of energy surrounded the area they had vacated.
"Ho! You're pretty good, escaping my Anti-Santa Capture Barrier!" A young, dark-skinned, blonde-haired girl leapt down from the rafters. "Eh? Hey, you're not Santa Claus!"
Mai stood up indignantly at this! "How dare you! Of course I'm a Santa Claus! I'm the granddaughter of the original!" She then pointed at her male companion. "And this guy's name is Santa! And he was born on this day!"
"Do you have to tell a total stranger that?" Santa asked, crying.
"Heeeeh? So you guys can fly around the world on a sleigh in one night?"
"Of course!"
"With a reindeer?"
"I told you, I'm a Santa!" Mai nodded proudly, smiling confidently with her hands on her hips. "I have all the powers of my grandfather!" 'Though I still need to work on the pulling presents out of nowhere part,' she mentally amended.
"Nyahahah! Then you guys will do just fine!"
Mai stopped her posturing. "Err. . .what?"
"I'll just have to capture you two instead!"
"WHAT?!? WHY?!?" Both Santa and Mai yelled.
"I need to find out how you can travel around the world in one night so I can use it for my next Mecha Tama! Then I'll be unstoppable! Nyahahahaha!!!" The robotic turtle guards suddenly amassed behind the girl.
The two would-be Santas sweatdropped.
"I thought Grandfather was just joking about having to do delivery runs to mad scientists' lairs," Mai stated in a daze.
"Go Mecha Tama army! Catch them!"
"Run!"
The two ran for the door.
"Call Pedro!"
"I know, I know!" Using her magic, Mai telepathically called out to her reindeer. 'Pedro, we're in trouble! Hurry up and get us!'
"Heh heh, you can't escape! Mecha Gear Tama, launch!"
Mai and Santa were able to reach the steps leading down to the street when the courtyard behind them suddenly shuddered and opened. From the hidden chamber arose a gigantic, bipedal mechanical turtle with a huge rail gun on the right side and a radome on the left. Underneath the turtle's chin was some sort of gun.
"You've got to be kidding." Santa just about wet his pants. The gun on the turtle's chin suddenly fired a laser right near the two.
"I thought you were trying to capture us?!?" Mai yelled at the girl, who had come out to direct her gigantic creation.
"Oh yeah! Mecha Gear Tama! Use your capture claws!." When the gigantic machine didn't do anything, the young girl smacked her fist in her hand. "Oh, right! I haven't installed that yet!"
Mai and Santa facefaulted.
Luckily for them, Pedro flew in and landed in front of the two. Fortunately for them, the girl pursuing them was currently trying to figure out how to catch the two without blowing them to pieces, so both Santa and Mai were able to get one without any interference.
"Pedro, fly as fast as you can! And hurry!"
Heeding her mistress' command, the reindeer flew off quickly into the night sky. The girl pouted.
"Awww, they got away.
"What in the world is going on?!?"
"Heyas Keitaro! I'm trying to catch the Santas!"
"Not again, Su. . .didn't we already have a talk about this?"
-o-o-o-
The two were fortunate that the rest of the deliveries were in normal homes, giving them an opportunity to catch their breath. Finally, they reached the last stop on the list.
"Oh great. Now we're going into another girls' dorm?"
"Stop whining. It's the last one for the night. Anyway, we'll skip the whole rooftop thing and just enter from the ground floor. According to Grandfather's instructions, they have a common tree in the dorm's lounge."
"Why didn't we do this in the other dorm?"
"Well, we Santas traditionally enter from the roof. Although after that last one with the turtles, I'm willing to make an exception."
They had hidden Pedro and the sleigh near some bushes, then walked to the dorm. After managing to make their way in, the two began making sure there weren't any more surprises like in the previous dorm.
"Okay, it looks like there aren't any security measures here. Go stand guard outside while I drop the gifts."
"Eh? Why?"
"Use your head! They're likely to have guards patrolling the campus at night! So just keep a lookout and call me if someone's coming. And make sure not to get seen!"
"Yes, master." Santa replied sarcastically.
"What was that?"
"Nothing." The young man headed outside, hiding in a dark corner of the building near the entrance. He looked up at the full moon. "Ugh. Some night this has been."
Several minutes passed and Santa almost nodded off when he noticed two girls walking by. 'Wow. That's tall girl's got some pretty weird looking ear accessories.'
Suddenly, the shorter of the two girls turned towards where he was hiding. "Come out of there. There's no use hiding."
'How did she see me?!?' Santa was shocked. He decided to stay hidden.
"Don't make us use force." When there was still no response, the speaker turned to her companion. "Chachamaru. Pull him out."
"Yes, Master."
'Master?' Suddenly, Santa felt himself being pulled out of his hiding place, then roughly dropped in front of the female duo. 'Wha. . .what the heck is up with that girl's arm?!?' Santa watched in disbelief as the wire-attached forearm of the girl called Chachamaru was pulled back into the rest of the limb. 'Is she a robot?!?'
"So what are you doing here, hmm?" The shorter girl smirked evilly at Santa. "Trying to steal some poor school girl's panties?"
"N. . .no! I. . .well. . ." 'Aw, man, how can I explain this? I can't just tell them "I'm just delivering presents for Santa Claus!" Who'd believe that?'
The girl looked over his Santa Claus attire. "Hmm? What's this? Who are you supposed to be? Santa?"
The young man nervously laughed. "Aheh, well, actually, that is my real name. . ."
"Enough!" Santa winced at the girl's yell. "Since I'm acting as security for this part of the campus, I'm sure the old man won't mind if I have you for a bit before turning you in."
"Eeeeh? You're security?!?" Santa shouted in disbelief. "You're just a kid!"
"Why you! I'm a lot older than you, boy!" The girl calmed down and licked her lips. "Just for that, I'll make sure that I drain lots of you blood. I was going to be generous and only take a sip, but you've annoyed me, boy."
"Master. . ."
"Don't worry Chachamaru. I'm not going to kill him. He's just going to regret insulting me." The two advanced on the young Kris Kringle wanna-be.
'D. . .drain my blood?!? She's crazy!!!' Santa decided to make a run for it.
"Mai!" He called out. Santa managed to take a few steps before a knife suddenly embedded itself in front of his path. "GAAAH!!!!"
"Good work, Chachazero."
A small puppet with bat wings and a huge knife jumped out of a nearby tree. "Thank you, Master! Can I carve him like a turkey now?"
"No, the old man said we're not allowed to do that to anyone we catch, remember? Besides, I want to drink some of his blood."
"Awww."
'Is that another robot?' Santa began to panic. "MAI!!!HELP!!!" He tried to throw a rock at the trio, but Chachamaru merely batted it out of the way.
The young girl bared her fangs, ready to suck the blood out of Santa.
"Give up. Even with my full strength sealed, you're no match against me, Evangeline the Undead MagACK!!!"
Evangeline, Chachamaru, and Chachazero suddenly found themselves buried under a pile of fish.
"F. . .fish?!? Who dares attack me with fish?!?"
Santa looked over the figure standing on top of the smelly pile of seafood. "Mai! Thank heaven!"
"Mooooouuuu, I can't believe you can't even handle a little girl!"
"She's not an ordinary girl! She has a robot and a killer doll with her!"
"Oh come on, you can't be seri. .."
"We're stuck in a pile of fish, Master!" Chachazero stated as she struggled and waved her knife around.
"Thank you for stating the obvious," the blonde girl replied sarcastically.
"Please wait a moment, Master, I believe I can pull us out." The taller girl fired her rocket arm at a nearby tree, where it latched onto a branch. She then used the line to reel herself out of the fish pile.
Mai goggled before turning back to Santa. "I apologize."
"You'd think you'd believe me after that other girl attacked us with robot turtles."
Eva looked at the girl in the Santa costume. 'I sense something strange from that girl. . .wait. . .could she be related to. . .?' As Chachamaru pulled her and Chachazero out, Eva called to Mai. "You, girl. Are you one of Santa Claus' relatives?"
Said girl turned to her. "Huh? Y, yes, I'm his granddaughter. How did you know about that?"
"I'm a vampire mage that's lived for over a century. I think I would know something about St. Nick and his family."
Now it was Santa's turn to goggle. "You're a vampire?!?" Despite Eva's nod, the young man still couldn't believe it. "No way! I thought you were just controlling those robots!"
"You have Santa Claus' granddaughter with you and you don't believe in vampires?" Eva raised an eyebrow curiously.
". . .You've got a point."
"Well, anyway, I suppose you two are making deliveries for the girls here?"
Um, yes." Mai answered. She then remembered something. "Oh, well except for three presents. They're supposed to go to the people living at Number 29 Sakuragaoka 4th District. Do you know where that is?"
Evangeline's eyes widened in surprise. "That's my place!"
"Oh good, that saves us a lot of time! I suppose, from your introduction earlier right before I buried you in fish," here Eva's left eyebrow twitched, "that you're Evangeline A. K. McDowell-san?" At Eva's nod, Mai handed the vampire girl a present. "From what McDowell-san said earlier, you must be Karakuri Chachamaru-san," The robot girl was also handed a present, "and you must be Chachazero-san." Mai handed the magical doll a box larger than Chachazero herself, causing her to fall on her bottom.
Eva looked confused. "Girl, why are we getting presents? We're evil!"
"Well," Mai pulled out a long sheet of paper from her costume and began looking it over as she spoke in a business-like tone, "according to Grandfather, during the past year you, Karakuri-san, and Chachazero-san have helped out one Negi Springfield several times. I believe have taken him as your apprentice. Those acts of kindness just barely put you and Chachazero-san on the Nice list. Though attacking my partner here almost knocked you back into the Naughty list." Mai then winked. "But I'll overlook it for tonight. As for Karakuri-san, she was already on the Nice list thanks to the various good deeds she's been performing around the town. "
Chachamaru had an embarrassed look on her face at the last sentence as her master looked at her, eyebrow raised in curiosity. Meanwhile, Chachazero began shaking her present, trying to figure out what was inside.
"Well then, we're done for the night. Come on, Santa!"
"Wait, that guy's name really is Santa?"
"Yup, he was even born on Christmas Eve!"
"Mai!" Santa yelled indignantly.
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!" Eva and Chachazero suddenly began laughing at the young man.
'Great. . .now some vampire girl and her psycho doll is laughing at me. . .' Santa began banging his head on a nearby wall.
"Stop that!" Mai pulled him aside. "Pedro! We're leaving!"
At her call, the reindeer pulled the sleigh to the girl and the two got in.
Eva then stopped laughing. "Wait a minute, take these presents back! My reputation as an evil mage will be ruined!!!"
Unfortunately for the vampire mage, the sleigh had already flown far off into the distance. Eva's eyebrow began to twitch even more as a vein appeared on her forehead.
"Ugh, c'mon you two. Let's go home and get changed before we continue the patrol."
"Yes, Master!" Both Ministra replied together.
-o-o-o-
"Ugh, I never thought I'd be attacked by a vampire." The two had decided to stop off to catch their breath before heading home.
"At least that was the last present to be delivered tonight."
Santa reached into his pocket and pulled out two tickets. "Not quite." Shyly, he handed them to Mai.
"Huh? What's this?" She looked at the tickets in her hand. "Wait, this is for the New Year's Celebration event at Kanagawa Neverland!"
"You. . . you wanted to go, right?" Santa turned away and looked up at the night sky to hide his blush. "So. . ."
Mai smiled, then kissed him on the cheek. "I'd love to. But next time, be more confident when you asked a girl on a date."
"Uh. . .yeah." He looked down at his feet to hide his blush.
"And also. . ." She then kissed him on the lips. Santa's eyes widened a bit, then slowly closed. The two remained that way for a while, until Mai pulled back. "Thank you. For coming with me. "
She stretched her arms over her head. "I know it was a lot of trouble for you helping me out like this, but I think I'm more confident now. You don't have to come with me next year." Mai then realized that what she said could be taken the wrong way. "I, I didn't mean that I don't want your company, it's just I don't want to make trouble for you so you don't have to come but you're welcome if you want but I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you to be my pack mule or something so you don't have to come if you don't want to . . ."
"I'd like to come."
Mai paused in her incoherent babbling. "Er, what?"
"I'd like to come." Santa repeated. He then grinned. "It wasn't too bad of the night. It was actually a bit fun spending the night with you like this."
A smile slowly spread on Mai's face. She then hugged his arm and began dragging Santa back to the sleigh.
"C'mon, let's go home. I'm beat."
"Right!" Santa smiled. 'Yeah, I guess this isn't too bad. I wouldn't mind doing this every year. It's not like we have to sneak into any military areas.'
-o-o-o-
Some time in the future. . .
"NOOOO!!! PEDRO!!!"
Santa ran towards where the reindeer known as Pedro was trapped while carrying a crying Mai, who was currently in her teenaged incarnation instead of the bustier, blonde-haired adult form she takes on during Christmas Eve. "I told you it was a bad idea to do this when you didn't have a lot of power! Especially when it involves going into the headquarters of the Defense Forces!"
"PEEEDROOOO!!!"
"This is all your fault, you know! If you hadn't used most of your powers to experiment and give Pedro's stuffed animal form the ability to move we wouldn't be in this predicament!"
"MY CUTE LITTLE PEDRO!!!" Mai was apparently not listening.
"We have you now, cute alien!!! We will protect the peace of Christmas!!!" Three cute little girls in clothes that looked like marching band uniforms with skirts surrounded the reindeer, who was in his stuffed animal form. He was cutely hopping to and fro trying to escape the three little girls.
The three girls got into a triangular position around the reindeer. "Defense Barrier, engage!"
"Barrier Beam, engage!" A beam of light shot out of the baton the pink-haired girl held and headed towards her blue-haired companion, who absorbed the beam with her own baton.
"Reflection Barrier, engage!" The blue-haired girl then threw the beam towards the brunette, who caught it with the end of her baton.
"PLEASE SAVE PEDRO!" Mai begged her male companion.
Santa sighed, then ran into what would certainly be something that would leave him in pain. 'I'm an idiot.'
"Restriction Barrier, engage!" Just as the brunette threw her beam back towards the pink-haired girl, Santa ran in and threw Pedro out of the triangle of light formed by the three girls. However, Santa found himself trapped within the barrier.
"Complete! Defense Barrier! United Defense!"
A huge pillar of light suddenly formed within the triangle the three girls formed, engulfing Santa in its brightness. After a few seconds, the light faded, showing a charred Santa, now fried to a crisp by the power of Kusanagi.
"Oh no! We hit a civilian!"
As Santa collapsed, he couldn't help but think about his decision to do this annually. He mentally sighed. 'The things I do for Mai.. . .'
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Author's Notes:
What was the impetus for this fic? I just felt the need to take a break from writing the current chapter of A Little Bit of Magic. I figured, it's Christmas time, so I might as well do an Itsudatte My Santa! fic! Like I said, don't expect too much from this fic. I did write this in a hurry. For those of you who don't know, Itsudatte My Santa was a one-shot that Ken Akamatsu wrote before Love Hina, involving a young man named Santa and mysterious girl called Mai. This fic was a bit of a pain whenever I had to write Santa's name right before referring to the real Santa Claus.
The old man Evangeline is referring to is Konoe Konoemon, Konoka's grandfather and Mahora's headmaster.
I took a few things from Metal Gear Solid with the Hinata-sou section. Kind of obvious, huh? Well, anyways, leave your comments with a review! Constructive criticism is welcome, but flames will be ignored! You don't want to be on Santa's naughty list, right?