Author: Me
Disclaimer: GW is not mine
AN: Sort of a pre-3x4. Trowa does some thinking before Christmas.
One does not give up being a soldier easily. These were the thoughts of the nameless man, sitting in his trailer with the lights off and only a whiskey bottle for company. Earlier that day, he had been performing with his sister, while crowds of people gasped and applauded at their show. But that show, and the impromptu Christmas party after it were over and now he was alone. Of course, even then he had felt alone, cut off from all the merriment around him. While he knew each member of the circus by name, he had no close friends among any of them, other than his sister. And she was gone, out with her boyfriend, no with her fiancee. He was happy for the both of them, but their joy only highlighted how alone he truly was.
Last year at this time, he remembered, he had been in space trying to quell the Marimeia Rebellion. Fighting to preserve the so fragile peace that he and the other pilots had given so much for. The year before that had been even more perilous, struggling not only for peace, but for the fate of the Earth itself. And the year before that, and the year before that as far back as he could remember.
He thought of the other pilots. They were probably on L2; Duo had sent an invitation with his monthly e-mail last time to join him. Duo sent everyone e-mails religiously every month, telling them all about the scrapyard and his growing relationship with Hilde. He seemed so happy; he was finally living the life he had always wanted. He was probably proposing to the black-haired girl right now. He envied Duo for the network of support he had and his quick and easy adjustment to normal life. The green-eyed man glanced at the clock and tried to calculate the time difference from his location to L2. The party was still a few hours away where they were.
He could go if he wanted to. He had enough time to call up Wufei and
hitch a ride with him to the colony. The confused Chinese pilot had
finally settled on working with the Preventors. For the first few
months he had bounced around until finally ending up with Sally Po,
the only partner who was not intimidated by his attitude and could put
him in his place. Wufei had spent the first part of the year trying
to make up for 'betraying' the other pilots. His guilt had been
excessive and finally intrusive, at least to the L3 pilot. It had
been a constant reminder that no matter how hard he tried, he was
still a soldier.
It had been Hiiro who finally convinced Wufei that the best way to
atone for his sins had been to join the Preventors. Hiiro had always
had that talent. Just by talking to people he gave them the impetus
to get up and do something. He seemed to be an emotional catalyst or
perhaps some form of collective conscience, either way he always
affected the lives of those who met him. He was a rival to Marquise,
a pawn for Trieze, a figurehead for Catalonia, a pillar of strength
for Relena. And while he didn't know where the indestructible pilot
was, he was sure Hiiro was somewhere near the Vice Foreign Minister.
He took a gulp of the whiskey and tried not to laugh. Relena had
received the worst fall-out from last year's rebellion, although
undoubtedly other people wouldn't see it that way. Some news company
had managed to snag pictures of Relena and Hiiro together: when she
had been holding him after Marimeia's defeat and during his (short)
recovery in the hospital. He had been surprised how quickly the news
about the rebellion had given way to gossip about the 'Peacecraft
Princess and her White Knight'. Incidents like this made him wonder
about the benefits of saving humanity. Sometimes he felt that the
pilots should have simply let the world destroy itself.
"Stop it" he addressed himself. "How would Quatre feel if he knew you thought that way?"
Quatre . . .
Quatre was nearly as hard to track as Hiiro. After the fiasco with the conference last year, Quatre had seemed to drop off the face of the earth. Careful searching had proved that he still ran WEI, but the CEO had become almost a recluse. Nanashi hadn't seen him since the Rebellion.
Quatre, he thought, is probably at home, surrounded by his sisters and
the Mag-Magau-those huge men who hang on his every word. Or
skittering around Duo's house, helping him prepare for the party. He
realized he was more than just buzzed from the alcohol, if he didn't
stop now he would regret it in the morning. On the other hand . . .
"Why not? It's not like anyone will know. Or care." Before he could
finish chugging the bottle, someone knocked on the door.
For a minute, he considered just keeping quiet and hoping the person would go away. But whoever was outside knocked again and he got up and staggered to the door. He hoped it wasn't Catherine, he didn't want to ruin her evening by letting her see him like this.
Turquoise eyes widened when he opened the door, taking in his shirtless and less than respectable appearance. "Trowa? Did I come at a bad time?"
He found himself mesmerized by the angelic face below his, the play of
light on golden hair, the deceptive childlike eyes, the rose lips . .
. oh yes, he had to be drunk to be thinking like this. He shook his
head, trying to clear away the familiar, yet forbidden thoughts. "No,
no, come on in. I was just-"
"Drinking?" He followed the pointed glance to the nearly empty bottle a whiskey on the coffee table. Damn, perhaps he should have hidden that before he opened the door. "Yeah, I, uh-"
"I'm just glad I didn't bring wine as a gift." It was then that Nanashi noticed the basket the other was carrying. "I brought gingersnaps and roasted chestnuts." Quatre also took out two thermoses. "The woman at the shop recommended hot cider, but I wasn't sure so I brought tea as well. Green, I didn't know what you liked."
"Whiskey"
"So I noticed." For a few minutes they just sat together, eating and drinking in companionable silence. Nanashi finally decided to start the conversation. "What are you doing here?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I mean, why aren't you at home, with your family? Or the Mag-Magu-"
"Magaunacs?"
"Yeah"
"All of the Magaunacs and most of my family are devote Muslims so thier fasting for Ramadan."
"Aren't you?"
"I . . . " Now Quatre looked depressed. He cursed himself for his
tactlessness. "I used to be. Then Father died . . . and Wing Zero.
After that, I decided if there was an Allah, he didn't care enough
about humanity to listen to our prayers." Sad eyes looked up at him,
as if waiting to be condemned.
"I think I might agree with you."
"Really?"
"If God's paying any attention to us at all, he probably damned most of us to Hell anyway."
"I know I am." In his mind, Nanashi disagreed. He couldn't imagine any of the other pilots being punished for what they had done, least of all Quatre. They had all had their reasons, to protect others, for revenge, to bring peace. Except for him. If anyone in this room was going to Hell, it wasn't going to be the blond.
"So you still haven't answered my question. Why here?"
"Why not?"
"Why not Duo's? He's the one hosting the party."
"I left early. I was there, now I'm on my way back to L4." Green eyes looked back at the clock. He must have been more out of it than he thought, L2 was several hours ahead of L3, not behind. He had missed it, not that he cared. "Everyone was wondering why you didn't show up." Quatre continued.
"I'm not a party person."
"You missed some great stuff. Duo proposed to Hilde. Relena caught Miss Noin and Zechs making out in the bathroom. Sally upended the punch bowl on Wufei's head."
"He probably deserved it."
"Yes he did. Hiiro got it all on tape, you should ask him to send you a copy."
"I will." A few more minutes of silence.
"What were you thinking about?" asked Quatre.
"The other pilots. Cathy's engagement. Christmases past. Do you know, this is the first time I haven't had to kill someone during Christmas?"
"No. Allah, Trowa . . . "
"I'm sure I haven't done this every Christmas, but I don't remember
any like that. The mercenaries would try to celebrate in their own
way, usually by getting drunk." Quatre reached out and hugged him.
Trowa continued, "It wasn't all bad. The Captain usually gave me
something. A knife once. My first gun."
"I'm an idiot."
"What?"
"I should have gotten you something."
"I didn't get you anything either, so it doesn't matter."
"It does matter, Trowa. Your my friend. You deserve a gift. One that isn't a weapon."
"It's alright. Besides" He pointed to the sweater lying on the couch. "I did get a gift. From Catherine, she knitted that for me."
"Yes but still-"
"Quatre, where have you been all this time?" He asked, changing the
subject. "I haven't seen anything about you in the past year,
although WEI is in the news often enough."
"Around. I've been traveling, doing my work by remote."
"And you couldn't contact me-I mean, any of us?" he tripped over his words.
"I was pretty messed up after the war. I wanted to get away from it all and used the time to sort through my issues."
"So you decided to cut contact with all of us."
"No. I e-mailed Duo at least once a month and went on a few missions for the Preventors with Wufei and Sally. I visited Relena two or three times as well. The last three months, I've been on Mars, with Miss Noin and Zechs; I went with them to Duo's party."
"I thought I was your best friend. I haven't heard from you in a year."
"No, Duo's my best friend. You're . . . you're something else."
"Something else. What the hell am I to you Quatre?"
"An issue." What could he say to that?
"I spoke to Hiiro at the party. He said I should stop avoiding you and talk to you."
"About what?"
"About my attraction to you."
"Fuck . . . Quatre-"
"I think this conversation should be saved till you're sober."
"Bloody hell." The conversation died again at that point. "Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead"
"Two somethings. First, where are you staying?"
"At-"
"Never mind. Cancel it. I don't want you leaving till we've talked about this."
"Okay" Quatre said meekly.
"And second, why did we do it?"
"Why did we do what?"
"Save the Earth. I've been thinking about it and . . . " God, first Quatre's confession, now this. He didn't want to break down in front of his crush. "What the hell's the point? We work so hard, and we can't even enjoy it." Quatre waited in sympathetic silence. "I was at this party earlier. Someone pulled a firecracker and before I knew it I was down on the ground, groping for my knife and looking for the shooter."
"We all have reactions like that. Duo and I both wake up from nightmares at least once or twice a week, thinking we're still in our Gundams. Wufei still hasn't let go of his guilt, Zechs can't get through the day without his anti-depressants. And Allah alone knows how long it's going to take Hiiro to recover. Relena's doing all she can, but she's still mourning for her father. It will go away eventually, but it will take time."
"But is it worth it. I look around, and the world seems like such a stupid place. Like those damn anti-Colony laws that the UEN almost passed. All those assassins, out to kill people like Relena. Cutting back on the Preventors. Why did we even bother? Sometimes it seems we suffered through all the shit war throws at us, just so that the same people can keep taking advantage of us. Is all this worth it?"
"Trowa, do you see that star over there?" Quatre pointed out the window.
"Yeah"
"I once asked my Father what the purpose of the stars were. He said
that they were something to strive for, even if we never reached them.
He snorted. "Stupid"
Quatre sighed. "Trowaaa . . . look here's another example. Take a look around the room."
"And?"
"What do you see?"
"Dark." There was a brief shuffle, and then Quatre struck a match.
"Now what do you see?"
"A light."
"Life is sort of like that. The match doesn't do much to illuminate
the room, but without it, we would be completely in the dark. And the
match." More fumbling, but Quatre didn't drop the match. And soon a
second match joined the first. "The match can light other matches,
candles, fires until we can see everything."
"But it can be quickly put out as well." And Nanashi suited actions to words.
"There's always a risk. But at least I tried. And for a brief time,
there was light in this room."
"Huh" More silence. But this time Quatre spoke first. "That's all stars really are. Matches in the dark. But don't you think the world would be a much poorer place if they weren't there in the night sky?"
This fic is dedicated to all the soldiers in Iraq and all those who miss them at home.
Niu Shiy-Ue