Charlie: Okay…since people liked this idea, and since I have many more incidents where stupid things happened to my characters (Some by chance, some by stupid tacticioning) I'mma continuing this story. Be warned… you WILL see your favorite character severely bashed. Well, now you know. Anyways, everything here is true, just embellished.
Erk: Yes…it's amazing how stupid he can be.
Charlie: Yes…wait…HEY! Okay Erk, since you're so smart, I think I'll start with you!
Erk: Me? HA! What have I ever done that's embarrassing?
Charlie: -whisperwhisperwhisper-
Erk: What? HEY! I thought we agreed never to talk about that.
Charlie: Did I say that? Whoops, oh well, here, for your enjoyment, is Erk's most embarrassing battle.
The mountains of Bern are truly beautiful, that is if you're not under attack. Unfortunately for our heroic army, they were under attack. After finally dragging their hopelessly drunk tactician away from the BS game and tossing Linus into the lake tied to a rock, the group managed to get themselves lost in the mountains and under attack. Fortunately for them, Lady Louise and Lord Pent had shown up to assist them.
"Lady Pent!" Eliwood exclaimed before falling off his horse. Cursing, he mounted again and continued to greet the famous couple.
"Eliwood!" Pent said. "Well met. But I say, how did you get that horse? It says here in the rules that you cannot get the horse until you use a Heaven Seal."
"It does?" Eliwood's face fell. "Does that mean I broke the rules?"
"Yes Eliwood dear." Louise said. "Now I'm afraid you must have a time out."
Poor Eliwood cried all the way to Merlinus' wagon where he was to sit there and write "I will not break the rules again" fifty times. Meanwhile, Pent gave Hector an Heaven Seal, and told him to use that to get stronger. Hector, being the gentleman that he is, gave the seal to Lyn, adding that she might be able to defend herself against ballet dancing pirates if she used it. Oddly, he said it with and amazingly straight face.
Lyn was furious, but she consented to use the seal. After fusing herself with it, she discovered she could suddenly use bows. Arming an iron bow, she smiled sweetly at Hector, and proceeded to shoot him with a shower of arrows.
The tactician stared at the Lords goofing off and sighed. They were going to be of no use. He made his decision, they were going to hold their ground for eleven turns, then they run, unless the other team runs. After explaining his logic, or lack thereof, to his army, everyone took their positions. The tactician pulled a sage by the name of Erk aside.
"Yo Erk, I need a favor." The tactician said while pulling out a detailed map of the area.
"Huh? Oh sure Sir Tactician, where do you want me to go? …and where did you get that map?" Erk replied.
"Okay, first, you can call me Charlie…like everyone else so you won't sound like a nerd. Second, umm…well, through an asset acquiring method…"
-Flashback-
Charlie: -Sees a young couple taking a tour of the Bern mountains- …hmm… -Puts on a pair of underwear and walks up to the couple- HAND OVER THE MAP AND ALL YOUR BOOZE OR ELSE… uhh….well… OR ELSE!
Couple: EEK, A CIRCUS CLOWN!!! DON'T HURT US MISTER!!! -hands over map and booze-
Charlie: Sweet… -goes off with the map and gets drunk-
-End Flashback-
"Okay…Charlie, so where do you want me to go?" Erk asked
Charlie pointed to a small town located at the base of the mountain range. "Go to that town. Intel says that there's supposed to be someone there who'll give us a hammerne staff."
"Are you sure?" Erk asked skeptically
"Dude, are you questioning my intelligence?" Charlie asked.
"No, I'm questioning the existence of your intelligence." Erk joked.
"Haha, don't quit your day job. Now go or I'm assigning you to Serra…again." Charlie threatened.
"FINE!" Erk grumbled, before grabbing a fire tome and stalking off down the mountain range.
"Hey Erk, make sure that Tome is full! We don't want any bandits to get there and find out that you forgot to take a full tome!" Charlie called out.
"I have eyes, and I'm not stupid like you are! Of course I'm not gonna be dumb enough to take an empty tome!" Erk retorted before dashing off towards the town.
A while later, Erk neared the town, but to his dismay, he saw that a bandit was getting ready to sack the town. He needed to think fast. If he failed this mission, Charlie'll put him with Serra…permanently. Erk shuddered to think about spending the rest of this conflict with that devil of a cleric. So, using all the omf he's got in him. He called out towards the Bandit.
"HEY! BIG FAT UGLY AND STUPID!!! LOOK AT ME!!!" Erk yelled. After getting the bandit's attention, Erk proceeded to make a variety of faces and rude gestures towards him. The bandit was furious and he stalked towards Erk.
"Oh you wanna play little man?" He sneered. Then the bandit put his fingers in his mouth and let out an earsplitting whistle. Soon the entire area was swarmed with the bandit's buddies. Erk looked around and smirked.
"Hah, you think you're all tough? Well, be prepared to eat flames!" With that he took out his fire tome and waited for the gasp of fear. To his surprise, the surrounding bandits not only didn't shudder, but they started laughing. Looking around confused, Erk asked them what was so funny.
"Ahaha…" The lead bandit gasped in between breaths. "And you call yourself a sage? Look at that tome man! It's ready for the recycling center!"
Erk looked down and to his horror, his tome was indeed moldy and rather ripped up. Discovering that it was useless, Erk tossed the thing into the face of the lead bandit and dashed past him towards the town.
The bandit wasn't ready, and when Erk threw the book, he got a mouthful of mold. Going down screaming, the leader told his buddies to go after Erk for him, then he collapsed to the ground, and died…or at least he thought he was dead. The leader would wake hours later…but that's another story.
Erk dashed into the village and right when he entered, a lady handed him a funky looking staff. "Here, use this."
"Cool" Erk said accepting the staff. "Thanks."
As he was getting ready to hide, he was surprised by the fact the the people of the village suddenly picked him up, tossed him out the village, and barred the village gates.
Erk got up and pounded at the gates. "HEY WAIT!! LEMME IN! THE BANDITS ARE GOING TO BEAT ME UP!" He yelled desperatly.
"Right." The villagers yelled back. "And let them hold a grudge against us? No way. You're on your own loser."
Erk's face fell. He turned around and found himself surrounded by bandits.
"Okay buddy, payback for killing our leader!" one man said.
"He's not dead! That was just mold!" Erk said, hoping to get away.
"Really? So he's not dead? HOORAY!" The bandits cheered.
"Cool…so does that mean you're not gonna kill me?" Erk asked hopefully.
"Hell no, beating up poor defenseless saps like you is a hobby!" the bandits yelled before swarming poor Erk.
The villagers watching from behind the gates could do nothing but shield their eyes at the carnage and the indecency.
Hours later, Erk returned to camp. He found Charlie, and amazingly, he found Charlie sober. When Charlie saw Erk trudge into camp beat up and dishevealed, he immediately called for Priscilla to heal him. After the troubadour fixed him up, Erk approached Charlie.
"Dude…next time, do your own dirty work!" Erk screamed. "LOOK AT MY NEW CLOTHES!!!"
"…did you get the staff?" Charlie asked, ignoring him.
"Huh? Oh yeah." Erk said pulling it out of his rags.
"Oh, then alls good." Charlie said cheerfully pulling out a new set of robes for Erk.
Just then Erk tripped over a hidden rock, fell over and the hammerne staff snapped in two. Erk looked up from the dust to see the staff snapped in two and gulped. Slowly, he raised his head to meet Charlie's eyes…the eyes of a person in a fit of psychotic rage.
"Umm…whoops?" Erk said sheepishly.
"Heh…" Charlie said deranged, "WHOOPS IS RIGHT!"
The tactician pulled out a sword and charged the Sage. "WHOOPS! I'M GONNA ACCIDENTALLY SHOVE THIS UP YOUR BUTT!!" He screamed.
Erk got up and threw away the broken pieces of the staff.
"Exit…stage right." He said, doing his bad impression of Snagglepuss before running away from a demonicly mad tactician.
Charlie chased Erk halfway across the camp before Erk began to tire out.
"…Legs…getting…sore… body…out…of shape… shouldn't…have…had…that…extra…brownie…" He panted. 'Shit…I need to distract him…but… how?' He brainstormed, until a idea finally came to mind. Taking a right, he approached Charlie's tent and grabbed a bottle of Charlie's prized scotch. Approaching a pile of rocks, Erk turned and held the scotch dangerously close to the rocks.
"Go away…or the scotch gets it."
Charlie stopped, wimpering. "No, I'll do anything! Just don't hurt the scotch!!!"
Cautiously, Erk handed over the scotch to Charlie, and ran full speed towards his tent. Behind him, he could've sworn he heard the tactician say "Aww, did the bad man hurt you baby?" to his scotch…but he decided that some things were best left alone. Quickly, he ducked into the tent and collapsed onto the bed.
The next day Erk woke to the face of a certain pink haired devil.
"HOLY SHIT! SERRA! GET OUTTA MY TENT!"
"Heya Erky!" Serra squealed. "Charlie just assigned me to you! He said I'm not to leave you sight ever! That means we get to share a tent together! ISN'T THAT GREAT ERKY?!"
Erk went into shock. Behind Serra, he could see the tactician walk by with his scotch and his stupid smirk.
"…you'll pay for this Charlie…YOU'LL PAY!!!"
Outside Charlie took a swig of his scotch. "…Payback…" he muttered before heading off to explore new heights in blood alcohol levels.
Erk: …I bloody hate you.
Charlie: and I love you too Erky.
Erk: Why must you torment me?
Charlie: Because I can
Erk: …but SERRA?!
Charlie: Hey, 14 games…14 Serra/Erk endings. You know I can't live without them.
Erk: …eff…you…
Charlie Thank you. Well, That wasn't as embarrassing as Lyn, but still…my Erk did get beat up by a bunch of bandits (What's with Bandits and beating up my characters?) because his fire tome ran out. Stupid Erk. Oh well, enjoy. And Merry Christmas Y'all.