I OWN NOTHING CONTAINED HEREIN, EXCEPT FOR A SILLY STREAK BROUGHT ON BY A RARITY OF SNOW IN TX. Not all opinions expressed herein reflect those of the author, but some do. Dissension will be punishable by dunking in the bog. With Blair for company.
It was just another day in the Underground. Jareth was tired of playing kick the goblin, then he remembered, thanks to fan fiction, he had his Sarah back. Considerably cheered, the day was looking up until…
A hoard of disgruntled fan fiction characters landed in his escher room.
"What is going on here? How did you get past my guards?"
"By using logic," Spock said.
"We beamed in," Scotty added.
"Or used magic,'' Gandalf corrected.
"Bribery helped too," Anya chirped. "Your guards are really cheap sells."
"I can't tell you how I got in," Clark Kent said nervously.
"We found a perfectly normal entrance," Scully insisted.
"No, we used the force," Obi Wan I and II said.
"HOGWART!" Jareth bellowed, having had enough.
"Right here, your ratship, " the dwarf said. "I-I wanted to come sooner, but "
"He's a coward," Xander supplied.
"We're all here because we want to exile fan fiction writers who have mangled our characters and weighted us down with idiosyncrasies," Giles announced, " and your bog is ideal."
Jareth considered this as he paced across the ceiling. The floor was too crowded.
"State your cases, but I warn you, if you irritate me, you will land in the bog."
"I should think you would be agreeable, having been so burdened yourself," La Croix noted dispassionately. He didn't really care, but maybe he could catch a good meal while no one was looking. He did make a note, don't bite the one with pointy ears, green blood might be strange tasting.
"Yes, but I like my burdens,'' the king agreed. "I get the girl and don't change anyone into goblins, usually. Would you change anyone into such imbeciles? Now, hurry up." A clock appeared. "If you fail to convince me or at least amuse me, when it runs out, you're history."
"I'd like to begin."
"You are?"
"Blair Thompson, aka, Mr. Perfect,'' Blair preened. "I have unjustly been labeled as obnoxious and disliked and maligned as some middle aged car loving SOB."
"We know that sir,'' a group chorused happily.
"At least you are alive to defend yourself. Bobby Muir here and I've been stuck with the reputation of a hound dog."
"What does dead matter?" Spike yelled at the shade. "I'm dead, and I have a great time."
"Whose idea was it to make him a good guy again?" Angel sighed.
"We're talking about ME here," Blair reminded.
"Right, change the subject, " Jareth grinned evilly. "You- space suit guy, what's your complaint?"
"I'm Captain James T Kirk. Mostly, I'm happy, but - look I change girlfriends more than you change socks, and I keep getting written into slash relationships- and with HIM of all people. " He points to the Vulcan. "Even if I were- and I'm not, I really only love my ship, NOT HIM."
"Have I been insulted? If so, may I say, I would never get in a relationship with you, you are male and also a human. Furthermore, slash relationships are totally illogical as there can be no offspring, therefore, Vulcans would not engage is such. Ever. The Romulan Commander was quite a logical choice for me, and I applaud the writers who have paired me with her, though it is disconcerting when I am paired with Ms. Saavik, who is termed my child with the Commander in other stories."
"So? For six years I was in love with my sister," Luke frowned. "My twin sister."
"Luke, we agreed, let C3PO handle our list,'' the princess cautioned.
"Say, that's my droid," Anakin yelped.
"Ani, play nice,'' Amidala warned. "I'd just like to say, please quit killing me off painfully, people. "
Hearing his name, the golden robot woke up, "I've got the list right here - we refuse to continue to say, here they come, we're doomed, oh dear, I've got a bad feeling about this, trust me.."
"Hey, my line," Dr. Jones protested.
"Sorry, you and Capt. Solo do look alike," Leia apologized.
"Speaking of ill romances," a tall Scot growled, "I'd never kiss Methos, or Richie or Joe or Connor."
"You are?"
"Duncan Macleod of the Clan Macleod, and I want to quit saying that too. Not to mention, the there can be only one bit."
"Yeah, I've wondered about your intelligence, or at least about Connor's,'' Methos noted dryly. "Can't count to one. First movie, I'm the only one - oooh. Second movie.."
"Mention the second and I'll have your head," Ramirez warned.
"Third, he's got to become the only one again. Fourth, - well, let's just say, if he were the only one, there'd be no sequels. The writers who give me the prize are very astute. I'd also like to thank all those who are aware that my vast experience and charm are much more attractive than brawny, broody Scots."
"I do not brood," both Macleods yelled.
"Yes you do, and so does Nick Knight and Angel. Gothic went out with chivalry."
"To be fair," Giles noted, still cleaning his glasses, ""Angel is forced to brood. If he is happy, then he becomes evil and .."
"We get to off him, so I'll let Buffy kiss him, for a good cause this once," Spike offered.
"She's mine- haven't you read the latest crossovers?" Methos asked.
"You seem fairly happy, old man," Jareth noted, "why are you here?"
"I was bored. Five thousand years, that happens, you know? But, I do want to end the me and Mac pairings. It - eww. And can someone do something about Cassandra? She has tortured me far more than is just."
Jareth nodded, then pointed to a man skulking in the back. "You gripe?"
"I'm Caleb Michael Morley, Stephen Clay and anything else I want to call myself. I'm a happy camper, except, well, why do I always get paired with Olivia? Come on now. Even the brooders get a change from time to time. It's always, Caleb and Livvy, or Caliva, or - do you get my point? I don't even like her. She killed me!"
"Well, Buffy killed me," Angel argued.
"But you are so- you." Caleb scowled. "I want a new girl."
"Is Miss Kane free?" Giles asked.
"Good idea."
"Can we get back to ME?" Blair whined.
"No. You're obnoxious and disliked," Jareth sniffed, poofing him to the bog. "Now, Hogwart, your gripe is?"
"Well, my name, it's Hoggle. I'd like you to remember, if it's not trouble."
"That's nothing. I'm a sniveling seaweed, a spineless jellyfish, a slithering snake, a barnacle, a miser, a two faced weasel, " Claymore mourned.
"Can you say that slower? It was inspiring," Jareth asked. Then, he noticed a pretty red head. "How are you - Miss?"
"Scully. I'm fine. I'm always fine, that's my problem. If anyone asks, that's what I am forced to say."
"Such a pity." Yes, Jareth realized this was his standard line, but again, he liked it. Does anyone dare think he could be forced to say what he'd rather not?
A huge ebony form strode through the milling characters. "I find my characterization as ever being - HIM- " Darth Vader intoned with a gesture at a blonde punk, "disturbing. However, those writers who chose to allow my life to continue are to be congratulated. "
"Yeah, I agree for myself," Richard Ryan nodded.
"So, some of you are happy?" Jareth asked.
"I am," Vincent called. "Having Catherine's love is a joy to light my heart. Having her live is more so."
"Indeed. Carolyn and I can finally touch,'' Daniel Gregg agreed.
"I still like winning," Methos added.
"I like living too," Padme nodded. "But- I have been killed horribly more than once. Or considered a fruitcake."
"Join the club," Sarah, having finally come looking for Jareth sighed. "How often do you bust me out of the loony bin?"
"Go ahead and say it," he consented.
"No, I'm not saying it's not fair. I'm sick of saying that. I only really said it once or twice."
"I'm the one who can say it," Karen, the wicked stepmother sniped. "I'm always a wicked person. Evil. Maniacal. "
"We can't help you being- you," Jareth informed her, before sending her to the bog.
"Oh boy," announced that Sam was there, somewhere, or in someone.
"No, I'm me. I'm me!"
"Yeah, Sam, Ziggy says you aren't here to do anything, except to keep out of the bog, because no one wants you leaping into them stinking,'' Al told him.
"Ziggy? What a nice name," Jareth smiled.
"You people all have petty problems, " a girl announced. "I'm in a double life. Part of the world wants me to marry Michael, my one true love. But then there's Nicholas. My handsome prince. And I have two grandmothers."
"Most people do- Mia is it?''
"But they're the same person!"
"Now dear, calm down," Clarisse's movie version soothed.
"Piffle,'' her book alter ego sniffed.
"I'd go with the first one," Sarah advised.
"Thank you , dear. You are a loverly creature."
"Piffle."
Joe advised the book version that he had diplomatic immunity in several worlds and could arrange for Jeff Geiger to remove her heart - if she still had one.
Geiger doubted she had one, and would only investigate if someone would tie up the loose ends with him and Lori.
"Maybe you could transfer to a soap opera- only Caleb is unhappy with his lot from that world,'' Mulder suggested, pausing in his happy ogling of all the girls.
"Not true,'' Alexis shrilled. "What's with all the anagrams on those- Rexis, Sexis, Nexis, Nem, Liric, Carson, Luckily, Derica- I don't get it I don't get it at all."
"Ignore her,'' Sonny Corinthos advised. "Now, I was thinking, maybe that short guy and is that a girl with the arrows? Could help Connor learn how to count- I keep seeing them counting things."
"I'm a dwarf," Gimli growled. "And Legolas is no girl. But he does need a haircut."
"Maybe that would cut down on the pairings of him and Aragorn?" Buffy suggested.
"Savvy," Jack Sparrow agreed. "Cut your hair, Will."
"Sonny, you are not one to offer advice to anyone," Alexis sniped. "You- you- serial impregnator."
"Scully, I think we found the dad of your kid," Mulder yelled.
"I'm about to send you all to the bog," Jareth warned. "Well, not all of you. Daniel seems quite happy, Vincent is safe - I'd never send Sarah there. Can't you all just - BE happy?"
A moan arose. "How can I be happy when I get killed off regularly? By horrible diseases?" Keith Partridge asked. "I mean- do I look like I'm dying?"
Bones McCoy scanned him. "He's not dead, Jim. Nice to say that. I want a change of lines, too."
"I want a retraction, I am not a mercenary!" Claymore Gregg insisted.
"Nope, he's not," Han Solo agreed. "I'm one- and I'm nothing like him."
"What's wrong with being a mercenary?" Anya and Danny Partridge asked.
"Nothing," Han asserted.
"Can I have some chocolate pie?" Ed Peavy asked mournfully.
"You don't like my cherry pie?" Martha Grant was shocked.
"Like it fine, but aren't there others?"
"What do you mean I'm broody?" Nick asked. "I'm by no means broody. I'm here on behalf of the others - It's a humanitarian effort. I want redemption, to be real. So I can do good."
"It's always about you, Nicholas," La Croix sneered.
"I don't think the bog is big enough," Jareth mused. "Maybe we can just leave, Sarah?"
"Not necessary," Spock said.
"How'd you get from there to here?" Sarah asked.
"Scotty beamed me. As I was saying, if I may be allowed to speak?"
"Silence!"
"Thank you. Now, the simple thing is- humans have characteristics that are what identifies them by personality, just as looks do. Humans created us, and we are their image. Therefore, we also have such, and they have identified traits that make us unique. I can not speak for the mismanagement issues, such as the slash pairings- in fact, that set of issues is a whole different issue. Part of the complaint is that we are too true to ourselves, and part that we are not. We can not have both. Of the two, only the second is legitimate. Therefore, we should be grateful that people care enough to give us life beyond our series."
There was a rumble of protest, silenced by Daniel's helpful thunder and Darth's strangling anyone who was too obnoxious. Then, Scotty beamed them all home.