Only In My Dreams Chapter 4: Kagura, a fruits basket fanfic

Summary: Each Sohma realizes how he really feels about Honda Tohru.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I own any of its characters, even though I'm borrowing them for a bit. I own the thought behind this story, and that's all. So please don't sue me, Natsuki Takaya-sensei. Just understand that I love your stories so much and the wait for them to be translated to English is killing me, so I have to write and read fanfiction so as I don't go postal.

CHAPTER 4: KAGURA

"Get it through your thick head! We're not getting married. EVER! I don't love you. I've never loved you and I never will! Now LEAVE! ME! ALONE!!"

How many times I've heard that before. But I never really heard it. Because he's so angry when he says it. And I know him so well. I know that when he loses his temper he just lashes out and says whatever he thinks will hurt the other person. But he doesn't really mean what he says.

Is it funny or sad how I think of this now as we're studying what we're studying?

"…that is one of the most important things to remember when communicating. Words are not the only way we communicate. If you wish to communicate clearly with others, you need to understand all the subtle ways we communicate.

"We all know that body language is the most sincere way that we can understand each other. We instinctively know what a person means - what the underlying tone is to their words - by posture. We've already covered how the tone of the spoken voice can change the words' meaning. We've covered how knowing the past history of the person to whom you are communicating can help you to understand intricacies of what it is they're really trying to say. But the most important thing to remember is that when people communicate - unless they're deliberately trying to deceive - will not use words that do not bear truth to them: on one or many levels.

"You need to truly hear what it is the other person is saying on ALL levels - spoken or no, implied or stated - in order to truly reach the deepest level of understanding.

"You will have to dissect your discussions - word by word, gesture by gesture, influction by influction - in order to be successful in any communicative art: psychiatry, diplomacy, entertainment. The more you succeed in communicating effectively, the more you will succeed in life. You need to dissect both what's being communicated to you, and how you communicate in return - so that you can change your patterns and start to make yourself understood by each person with whom you come in contact.

"Okay. So for Monday, I want you to read ahead in your Interpersonal Communications textbook through chapter 8. And to support that, we're going to begin a dissection process in your own lives so that you can understand your own patterns of communication. The initial steps that you need to follow in your journal are outlined at the end of chapter 8.

"Every one will think of a time in their life where they've attempted to communicate something to someone, and failed. Some time when you've been misunderstood - we all have them - but not only a small misunderstanding: it needs to be something that truly stands out for you and has caused you pain. Enough pain where you remember the details vividly.

"This won't be an easy assignment. You'll be tempted to use something that's not so important - something that's easier on your Id to remember, and something that will not make you feel so exposed. But rest assured I will be the only one that will read your assignment. Please do your best and do not fear that anyone else will ever know what you have written. I have my license as a psychiatrist and as I said on the first day of class, for any assignments like this, you can assume a doctor-patient confidentiality level.

"I look forward to reading your journeys through yourself. Today's assignment is just the first step. You'll be working on this for the next four weeks, and going into great depth. This is going to be an interesting month for us all!"

Kusu sensei. What was I thinking when I signed up for Interpersonal Communications, anyway?

I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that this would be a good class for me to grow some more, and more importantly with this class, I don't have to take Speech. Not that I mind talking in front of other people, but at the end of the year in Speech, you have to debate - and in middle school when we had to debate, I lost my temper and broke the lecturn. My opponent ran out of the room screaming in fear, and I was suspended for a week. It's probably a really good thing she ran out of the room too. Otherwise, I might have really hurt her. I'd hate to repeat something like that now that I'm in college!

And I was also thinking that this would be a good opportunity for me to find a way to help Kyo… And me…

Bing bong bing bong. Bing bing bing bong.

"Class dismissed."

I guess this assignment has me a little bit depressed.

I've read the chapter. I've read through the entire step by step process for the journal.

First, I'm supposed to write down an event where I wanted to communicate something important to me and failed - and what it was that I wanted to communicate. Then I'm to put down as many details as possible, including exactly what I said, what I remember the other person said, what the weather was like, what we were wearing, where we were located physically in relation to each other and in relation to our environment, our body stances - everything I can remember. Then I'm supposed to write down the reaction that I wanted from the other person, and an analysis of why I think the other person may not have reacted the way I wanted. Supposedly, next week we're going to go through some self-hypnosis to better remember some details of the incident. Then the teacher is going to help us analyze the other person's reactions in detail - so we can figure out what the other person was truly trying to communicate. And the end of the assignment involves us determining what we could have done to communicate effectively and possibly achieved our goal.

My problem is that I can't think of just one incident. It's recurring.

In a way, it's gone a little better since she came along. But in a way, it's gotten worse. Because she doesn't even say anything and she lets him know what I've been trying to say all along. And I scream it from the rooftops and it still doesn't come through.

Isn't it better to be direct?

And it's not even that she's not direct. She's the most honest and trustworthy person I know. I love her. But there are times when I just wish so much that I was her. So that he would… trust me like he does her.

Okay. Well, let's get to it.

What I was trying to communicate that failed: I was trying to communicate to the man I love that I love him and that - regardless of what anyone else may think of him, he needs to believe in himself - because he truly is the most noble, strong, courageous, and sweet man that I have ever met.

Description of the incident: I came over to his house because a girl had started living there, and I noticed that since she had come into his life, his temper had mellowed a bit. My purpose was only to give him more encouragement, because it had been raining and I know that the rain always gets him down. When I saw him, I immediately hugged him - because I know that he doesn't get much physical contact from anyone in his life - and told him I loved him. He got mad and pushed me away. I got mad and hit him for pushing me away. He started yelling at me and said…

I don't want to write any more. I'm going to sleep on it. It might be easier to write early in the day - when I'm not so tired and depressed.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! SLAM!!

Kami, but I hate alarm clocks going off. I sit up and groggily rub my eyes. There's light coming in the window… Wait. This isn't my bedroom. Where am I?

It's a bit spare, but it's definitely a girl's - OH! This is Tohru-chan's room. Ok. Now that I know where I am… how did I get here?

I hope I didn't really lose my temper, storm over here and then pass out. I mean, not that that's normal. I know I tell people that I don't remember doing the stuff I do when I get out of control, but that's really not true. I just tell them that because it's a bit less crazy than getting so emotional that you just can't control yourself. I mean, it's really like watching yourself on TV acting like an idiot. I see myself. I know I'm behaving poorly, but I just can't stop. I really don't want anyone to know that even though I can't stop myself, I do know what I'm doing when I act like that - at least most of the time.

There have been about three instances in my life where I really have blacked out. They made it easier to pretend all the other times I lose control, but those times weren't pretty. Even if I had remembered doing the stuff they later told me I did, I think I would have wanted to convince myself that I hadn't. But in those few instances, I can honestly say I don't remember even getting upset.

So if this is one of those times… Did I hurt myself? No. It doesn't look like it. But why would they put me in Tohru's bed unless… I must have passed out afterward. That happened one of the times, so I would guess that must have happened this time.

Well it's morning now, so I should probably go see about visiting the little girl's room - maybe getting a shower. Then I'll venture downstairs and see if Tohru needs any help with breakfast. She's always so nice, I can probably get her to tell me what happened and then I can apologize and fix anything I've broken. I always at least clean up after my messes - even if I can't always admit to remembering making them.

The shower felt really nice. It's the only way to wake up, I think.

Well, let's see how bad we look this mor -

Toh - ru. What?! I touch my face. The mirror. No. This is me. I am me. I am me, aren't I? So why is Tohru's face looking back at me? Maybe I should sit down. Edge of bathtub. Ok.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Hey! What're ya doin' in there? Are you feeling okay?"

"Um. I'm. Okay…" Kyo!

"You don't have another fever, do you? I'm comin' in!"

I'm not covered. Towel! Must get it around me! Door! "EEP!" Okay. I'm covered. I think I got it in time – otherwise he'd have passed out. Boy, he's awful red though. He sure does blush a lot around her. His hand on my forehead feels cool.

"You're a little warm, but I don't think you've got a fever. Whadda ya doin' in here? You usually don't take a shower until after you've cooked breakfast and done all the laundry - "

"Baka neko. You make it sound like she's done something wrong. Miss Honda, you should feel free to take a shower whenever you want. You do too much for us all as it is."

I see Yuki's finally noticed that I'm only in a towel. I want to giggle - but for some reason, even though a part of me really wants to giggle, I feel myself turning really red and pulling the towel tighter around me. Still, I don't usually see Yuki-kun this flustered. He's usually a bit more smooth. I guess seeing a woman in a towel really gets to him. It's cute. I'm going to have to remember this for the future. That is, once I figure out what the hell is going on.

"Kuso nezumi! What're you doing up at this hour anyway?"

"Your knocking and yelling woke me up. You're just so loud."

"Yu-ki! Kyo-oh! Have you seen Tohru-ku - Oh! Oh, my! Whatever are the two of you doing? Assaulting our precious flower in the shower? And you call ME "hentai". I may think of such things, but I would never act in such a manner as to try to sully the purity of our sweet and innocent maiden. Oh, dear! It's such a sh-"

"Shut UP you KUSU INU!" In stereo where available. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who punches someone through walls here. Looks like it's everyone except Shigure and Tohru who does that.

"Miss Honda, we really must apologize for barging in on you like this."

"Yeah. What he said. We just. Wanted to make sure you were… YOU KNOW: Okay."

"So we'll leave you to… Um…" My goodness, Yuki! I didn't know you could GET that red! "I'll just go make sure that hentai is still alive."

"I'll put some tea on for ya. So you can have some when you come down. If you want."

"Thank you Kyo. That'd be very nice. I shouldn't be much longer."

It's like I'm on autopilot. I watch them leave and close the door. And my body - or should I say her body? - takes over. I see her brush her teeth in the mirror, and comb her hair, and… there's a cabinet where she obviously keeps a spare set of everyone's clothes in here. Well that's convenient. Once I'm dressed, I pull out some ribbons that match the dress and put my hair up. Then I smile once for the mirror and make my way downstairs - immediately to the kitchen.

Kyo's just finishing up the tea, and I see that he's got breakfast started. He's making some onigiri, and there's a fish grilling on the stove.

"Kyo, you didn't have to cook breakfast - that's my responsibility!"

"Ah, be quiet! It's obvious to all of us y'aren't feeling yourself today. It's not like this is gonna be a habit! So just… just sit down, and I'll bring breakfast to you for a change."

He's so sweet to her. But the funny thing is, I feel like… It's like I'm feeling how she feels. And how I feel. At the same time. She really feels guilty when people do things for her. What is she? Crazy? I'd kill to have people do stuff for me. If Kyo were to make me breakfast… God. I kinda feel like crying just thinking about it. But even so, I know that I'm – I mean she's walking to the dining room table with a goofy grin on her face. Oh. Yuki's already sitting here.

"Good morning, Yuki. Sorry I was such a bother today."

"Miss Honda, you are never a bother."

He's smiling at me. You know, I don't think I've ever seen Yuki smile like that at anyone before. He looks so shy. And then he looks terrified, as he excuses himself from the table saying he forgot something upstairs.

I hear myself make small talk - oh, that's okay. Kyo says breakfast will be ready soon, so don't be too long, that kind of stuff. But what I'm thinking is, how weird his reactions were.

I thought he was in love with her. I thought they both were. But Yuki… he takes one step toward her, then runs away. What is he scared of? Does he not really have feelings for her? Maybe it's just that he thinks of her as a friend – his first friend outside the family. It's kinda hard to tell.

Kyo comes in with dishes to set the table. "Oh. Kyo! Let me do that!"

"Sit your butt down! I already told ya that I'm taking care of it. What? Don't ya think I can handle it?"

"Um. No. Of course not. I mean. That is. Of course you can. But really… I should be doin-"

"Tell you what. You find that perverted dog, and that damned rat, and tell them breakfast is ready. And by the time you're back, it will all be on the table. Okay?" He reaches over and tousles my hair. What am I? His kid sister? His pet?

I'm really starting to get pissed off at everyone. Man. They treat Tohru… It's just not what I imagined. I always thought they were all kind of in love with her and that she's just kind of …oblivious about it.

"Shigure-san?"

"Yes, my lovely flower?"

"Kyo says that breakfast is ready."

"Kyo says? Oh, no. You mean that we will not be blessed with the wonderful epicurean delights that we've become so accustomed to ever since you have graced our little home with your beauty and charm? Sigh. Ah, well. I'm sure that this one repast will simply remind us of how lucky we are to be fed from your gentle hands," he takes hold of my hands as he goes on and on dramatically like he always does, "each and every day. Ah! Like wild animals, we are tamed by the mere presence of the virtuous fair maiden. Only she has us eating out of the palm of her hand. And now, we're forced to eat the meager gruel of another. It will only serve to make us long for her gentle hand all the more…" He's gently kissing my palms. Isn't that supposed to be a lover's kiss? I feel my, I mean her, knees getting weak. And my breathing isn't normal. Does he flirt with her like this all the time? That jackass! I'm gonna hit him so hard!

Whoops! I've lost my balance. I'm falling right on top of…

POOF

"Oh, NO! I'm so sorry, Shigure! I don't know what happened. I guess I just lost my balance because…" I feel myself blushing. "Because… I guess… I guess I'm still not feeling that great." And I feel my entire body blush – because I know she's lying. She tripped because she didn't know what to make of him kissing her hand like that. And looking at me… so dark.

"It's okay, Tohru-chan. He grabs leans over and licks my cheek and says, "Well, Tohru-love, while I head down, could you be a dear and grab the pile of laundry over there – I'm afraid I've run out of clean yukatas." He tosses his robe over his back and whistles as he pads down the hall.

I don't know what to feel first. Startled because I didn't know that dogs could whistle, or pissed off? Shigure can be a real pain. I mean, he just loves to get people bent out of shape: acting like he's her secret lover. And then he turns around and treats her like she's just a maid!

Sigh. But it seems like she's used to this, because even though I could feel her heartbeat speed up when he was flirting, it's not like there's disappointment now that he's done with it. Maybe she just gets nervous that he's serious and she doesn't want him to be. She does seem more comfortable acting just as a maid.

Ugh. I don't even want to look at the laundry too closely, though. I might find something I'd rather not know about. I'll just bring this to the laundry room on my way to find Yuki.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Yuki-kun – are you in there?"

"Just a moment, Miss Honda." His voice sounds really strange.

"Are you okay? You sound a little-"

"I'm fine. I suppose breakfast is ready?"

"Um. Yeah." He's being awfully abrupt in his responses. I can't stand it. I wonder if he's being naughty? "What're you doing in there, Yuki-kun?" I reach for the door handle, and both my feet slip out from under me. THWUMP! Ow. My butt!

CRASH! I hear him running for the door. "Miss Honda! Are you alright?" The door swings open and I see that he must have knocked over his chair when he heard me fall. Oh. He was just doing homework. How very Yuki-like.

"I'm okay. I just… tripped, I guess." That's something Tohru would say. Not, 'I wanted to see if you were misbehaving, so I was trying to sneak in on you and I slipped.'

Wait. Okay. This is the second time I've had an attack of clutziness today. And it's the second time where I've tried to act like me, not Tohru. I wonder if the two events are related. I'm going to have to try this again and test this out.

"…Miss Honda. Miss Honda!"

"Oh. Sorry, Yuki-kun. I guess I just was spacing out again." I knock my head like she usually does.

"Thank goodness. You had me worried. Are you okay to go down to breakfast? Why don't you take my arm. We wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

He's smiling at me again. I feel my heart flutter. Like the way it does when it's really my heart, not hers, and I see Kyo smiling. "Thank you so much, Yuki-kun." I smile shyly at him. He helps me up and as I stand, for a moment our faces are mere inches apart. He jumps back and clears his throat. He's not smiling anymore.

"Shall we?"

"Okay." ARGH! What is in that boy's head? Was he upset by the fact that he was almost close enough to kiss her? Does he really not like her that way? Being around him is like being a yo-yo. For once, I think I'm glad I'm not Tohru. Well, I mean, I know she's had some difficult times. I don't think I've ever really wanted to have her WHOLE life. But if I could just be more like her… Then maybe Kyou would like me more.

Still. These three must be torture for her. She's not as clueless as anyone thinks.

Breakfast goes by pretty uneventfully. I keep looking at each of them as I eat. They all are pretty attentive to their plates today. Not much interaction.

I don't know how she can live with these guys. I mean, not a one of them will tell her how he really feels. Everything must feel really up in the air to her. She's had her whole life taken away from her. Now she finally has a home, and yet… She's still completely on uncertain ground. She doesn't know what they want. She's still trying to figure out who they all are. AND there's the fact that there's Akito she has to worry about! Yikes!

But they do all listen to her. No matter what she says, they all take the time to stop and hear what she has to say. Even Akito – though he'd never admit it.

Hmmmmm.

Maybe if I get Kyou alone, I can find out what he really thinks about me. If he really does hate me like he says – if that really is the grain of truth when he reacts – then I'll… I'll just have to leave him alone. That's what love is. But if he doesn't really understand how I feel. As Tohru, maybe I can tell him how I feel (or rather tell him how Kagura feels), and he'll listen.

This could be good.

"So, are you feeling any better, Miss Honda?"

"Oh. Yep. I feel much better now that I've eaten. You know what they say: fish is brain food. So I guess I could use all the fish I can eat, eh?" I smile awkwardly – making fun of myself. But really I'm making fun of her – even though I know what I've said is not true.

They all three look at me shocked and start talking at once.

"Miss Honda, that is just not true." (Yuki)

"Don't you even joke like that! You're plenty smart." (Kyo)

"Ah, but if you get too smart for me, how will I ever be able to keep you?" (Shigure – who is very lucky they were all talking at once because if Yuki & Kyo had heard what he said, he'd probably be flat on his back again.)

I chuckle at them and smile. "Well, I guess I better take care of these dishes."

"Stop!" Kyo grabs my arm. "Give those dishes to me. I'll carry them in there for you, and you can just get the water ready. Then, you wash and I'll dry."

"Um. Okay."

Yuki shoots Kyo a dirty look. "Well, I guess there's nothing more for me to do, so I'm going to go finish up some homework."

Shigure just leaves with no comment. He must be thinking about a story – or his editor.

Scrubbing the dishes is always easier if you do it right after the meal. We finish up in practically no time. It's a shame because I thought I'd get to talk to him. Once we're done, Kyo goes outside to practice and I take care of the laundry. I put the first load in, then I go outside and watch Kyo practice. Passing the refrigerator, I notice the shopping list. A-ha! My chance to get him alone.

I wonder how he would react if Tohru called him "love." I know. I'll call to him like I always do, and see how he reacts. If it seems weird, I can just say it was a practical joke to scare him.

"KYO! MY L-" I walk down the stairs, but as soon as I start sounding like myself, I trip on my shadow and my arms start flailing to try and prevent me from falling onto my face.

No such luck.

Ow.

"Tohru! Are you alright?"

He picks me up and holds me on his lap and gently brushes dirt off my face.

SPYUH! PHUH! PUH! I spit out some dust.

"I think I'm okay. I just tripped again." That settles it. I have to act like Tohru or else bad things happen. I really don't want to risk any more accidents. No telling what might happen.

"Did you hurt yourself?" I look up into his eyes. I feel her heart warm at the care that is evident in his eyes. But my heart, both skips a beat and becomes immeasurably sad. Is it even possible he could ever love me like this? He never acts like this with me.

"N-no. I'm okay." I smile at him, then pull away and brush myself off. "You know me – total klutz." I knock myself in the head and smile again. "I just came to ask if you would like to come with me to do the grocery shopping."

Luckily BRUSH it's not muddy BRUSH only dusty, so I won't BRUSH, BRUSH have to change my clothes.

"Of course I'll come. If I let you go on yer own, you might fall down somewhere and break something!" He smiles at me. "I'll just go change clothes – so if you want to, too, then we can be ready to go at the same time."

Good idea. BRUSH BRUSH

Okay. We're about 1/2-way back from the store, and I still haven't been able to talk to him. Just how do I bring up myself in conversation?

"Um. I haven't seen much of Kagura lately. Do you think she might want to come over for dinner soon?"

"Why would you want to invite HER over?"

I give him a little sad look. "Don't you like her? She's so nice. And she really does love you so much." You have no idea.

He scowls at me. "Ya don't gotta look like that about it!" He sighs. "I know she's nice. It's just… I don't know. I just don't like her hanging all over me all the time."

"But don't you like that she can hug you?" I blush. "It's just… If I could never be hug anyone, I'd sure be glad if I found someone I could hug that wanted to hug me."

"That's only good if you want to hug them, too! And it's not like she gives me any choice in the matter!" He does get loud when he's emotional.

"Well, yeah, but you know it's only because she cares about you so much."

"HAH! Right!"

I just look at him questioningly, and he responds in such a quiet little voice. "It's not even like she knows who I am – I'm just someone for her to latch on to." And then he mumbles, "Not like you. You're the only person who likes me for me." If I really was Tohru, I bet I wouldn't have been able to even hear him say that last bit. So I better respond that way, too.

"Kyou, I don't believe that at all. I bet… I bet if the two of you were ever to really talk, you'd see that she knows you better than you think – and that's why she loves you." How could anyone know you and NOT love you, Kyou?

"Yeah. Well. If she ever could manage to talk to me instead of yelling, I'd test that theory to prove you wrong!" He smiles at me, grabs my neck, and gives me a noogie. Does he love Tohru? Does he think of her as a sister? Could he ever care about me? I just don't know.

After we get back to the house, I put the groceries away, and start dinner. It'll needs to stew on the stove for a couple hours to achieve full flavor, so I have some time. The laundry's all done. There's not much for me to clean up – although I bet Shigure's room could use some help.

Well, Tohru's always been so good to me, I'll be good to her and do some work in Gure-kun's room. I'd hate to think of what might be waiting for her if someone else didn't do something about it.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Shigure-san, are you busy?"

"Tohru-kun! What can I do for you?"

"Um. Well. Nothing. I was just thinking that maybe – if it wouldn't be disturbing you – I could do a little cleaning in here. I so rarely get a chance, and I thought it might be nice to tidy your room up for you."

"Well, this is an unexpected surprise! But then, since my lovely flower has come into my life, every day is filled with wonderful surprises that bring joy to my heart and a smile to my lips." That singsong tone. At least it makes it easy to tell when he's kidding around and when he's serious. "But, I do need to work on this manuscript. Would I be in your way?" See? That's the serious voice.

"Not at all Shigure-san. I'll just work around you."

"You really are too wonderful, Tohru-chan." He smiles at me over his glasses before he settles down behind his computer.

Well. Let's start with the dirty dishes that are in here. Sheesh. How many coffee mugs can one have in a room? How does Tohru manage to not go crazy living here? Three guys. Guys are such slobs. Well, Yuki does keep his room pretty clean. But is that because he wants to keep Tohru out? I mean first he connects with her, then he pulls away. It's so stressful!

Okay. Now that all the dishes are outta here – let's pick up the laundry. Well, there's surprisingly little. Must be because he gave me all his dirty yukatas already this morning. And Kyou helps out wherever he can. But again I wonder why. Is it because he wants to feel like he belongs here – just like Tohru feels like she's paying her way through living here? Or is it because he wants to be closer to Tohru. It's so hard to tell. These guys try so hard to not feel anything that they end up pretending that they don't feel anything.

And we'll take out the trash. Huh! I didn't know Shigure was so into Pocky. It's like he's been sampling all the different flavors. Well, I know what I'm getting him for his birthday! It may be a big bag of trash, but at least it's mostly crumpled paper, so it's pretty light. And then there's Shigure she has to deal with. I mean, let's face it. The guy is hot and intense. Poor little Tohru probably doesn't know which way is up with him. Is he flirting with her? Is he not? Does she need to fear that he'll push himself on her? She probably doesn't really think he will, but still…

Now let's straighten up all these books. I think I'll just get them off the floor first. Then, after I vacuum, I can put them in alphabetical order. This room was in horrible disorder. It must drive Tohru absolutely bonkers. And if the others keep up with their room to keep her out, does Shigure keep his a mess so that she'll keep coming in? But then he acts like she's his servant. And while I find that to be SO offensive, it seems like Tohru finds it comfortable – but that's probably because it's something familiar and safe. She's always serving everyone.

Oh. Before I sweep, I should probably dust. Not much to dust in here but the books, now that everything's picked up. It's no wonder Kyou feels so comfortable with her. Who wouldn't love her? And if she was in love with him and he was in love with her… But I don't know if they do. And Kyou… What he said today… Why is it that he thinks I don't love him for him? What can I do to show him how I truly feel. About him. He's not just someone to hold on to.

Okay. That's that! Now a quick sweep and we're all done.

"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind, or do I have to pry it out of you?"

"Um. Excuse me?"

"You heard what I said, young lady. Tell me what's on your mind. Ah, ah, ah! Don't give me that look. I know you better than that. No humming. No singing. Straight to the work. All business. – Not that you don't always get your work done efficiently and better than anyone I've ever seen! But I can see that there's no joy in you at doing your job well today. And THAT," he taps my nose, "is because YOU are lost in thought. So spill and let Niisan Shigure help you sort out what's bugging you." Shigure-niisan. If only you knew who you were talking to. Who you're winking at.

"I… Kyou said something today. It's got me thinking…" Hey, it's not like I can say something about how they treat Tohru, so I guess I'll just talk about my problem. If I can ever figure out how to be me again, I'll deal with their treatment of Tohru then. And in my OWN way. But MY problem… Shigure notices everything. Maybe… well, it can't help to get his point of view, right?

"Was he being angry and out of control again? I swear – that boy needs to learn how to control his temper."

"NO! No. That's not it. It's… He said – We were talking about Kagura, and he said that he didn't think that Kagura really cared about him at all – that he was just someone for her to latch on to. Then he said something that I don't think I was supposed to hear. He said that I'm the only person who's ever liked him for being him.

"But I don't think that's true at all! Do you think that's true?" Is he really in love with Tohru? And is that what people really think about me? That I'm some insane clingy girl who only cares about herself?

"Well. I can see why you've been fretting about this. I know you're rooting for those two. Why don't you sit down, and I'll fill you in?

"There's something you may not know about Kyou and Kagura. You know how he was pretty much shunned by everyone in the family but his mother. And you know about his relationship with his mother – how she never really got over her fear of his other form and … well, anyway, you know how that ended. So after she died, the only one who really stood by Kyou was Kazuma. I have to tell you, we ALL really failed Kyou back then.

"But once he started living with Kazuma, he got to meet Haru and Kagura when they went to Kazuma for training. For a while, it looked like he had a little crush on Kagura. And one time – now you have to keep it a secret that I know this! Neither Kagura nor Kyou knows I know – Kyou's bracelet came off in the middle of a class, and he transformed. Hatori had to be called in right away. The kids were hysterical. Kyou was so scared. He ran away and hid. Hatori erased everyone's memory. Kagura was crying so hard, that Hatori went to try to erase her memory, too. But Kagura socked him in the eye and said, 'Don't you dare! I never want to forget this. Ever!' I'll tell you Hatori had a shiner for half a month! Hee hee!

"Then she picked up Kyou's bracelet and ran away to try to find him. When she found him, he was cowering in the bushes. He was still in his other form. She reached for his hand – she looked so serious and scared. But I don't think she was scared of him. I think she was scared FOR him. I've never seen anyone who wasn't afraid of his other form before or since. But she didn't look like she was scared at all. Maybe it's because she's the boar – maybe his smell didn't get to her, I don't know. But either way, he just kept cowering back from her, and then he growled at her.

"She looked shocked for a second – she figured he'd be glad to see her. Then she figured out what to do. She's always been just too sweet and smart for all of us. So she tossed him his bracelet, and then reached out her hand again with a smile. He put his bracelet back on, transformed back to himself, and tentatively took her hand. She was so happy she leaned over and hugged him. 'I'm so happy you're okay! I was really worried about you!' she said as they started walking back.

"Kyou couldn't believe it. Someone finally fully accepted him. Other than Kazuma. And even Kazuma had a hard time with the bad smell he has as the cat's vengeful form. Kagura didn't. Kyou was totally smitten. From that point on, it was like all he looked forward to was when Kagura would be at the Dojo for training.

"But Akito heard of it. He couldn't have Kyou being happy, now could he? As the God, he has to make sure the cat suffers. I don't know why, but that's the way it's always been. So he ordered Hatori to take away Kyou's memory of the event. Kyou never knew it was going to happen. But afterward, he knew he'd lost some time. And he figured out that something had been taken from him – although he never figured out what.

"So in his mind, the only person who ever really accepted him was Kazuma. But Kagura, she never stopped caring about him. Kyou just doesn't know it. And Kagura being Kagura, she got more and more forceful about her feelings. And Kyou pulled further and further away from her.

"My guess is that to him, it seems like she's faking her feelings – the same way his mother used to do to cover her fear of his other form. And each time he pushes her away, it just makes her more anxious to make him feel better and she just keeps trying harder and harder. It's a vicious circle.

"And then you came into the picture. And Kazuma used you to try to get Kyou back. To show him that not everyone will reject him. He felt badly about it – using you – but he just had to do it for his son.

"So, Kyou has a lot of hope in his life because of you. But it was because of Kagura initially. It's just he will never know that. And now, I don't know if they'll ever be able to break the cycle."

"Shigure! That's so sad. Poor Kagura! Poor Kyou!... Oh. But is there anything that can be done to help them? She loves him so much!" Oh, Shigure-niisan. I could kiss you. You really do believe in me. Please! Any advice!

"I'm afraid it's up to the two of them. If Kagura could calm down a bit – so that he doesn't feel so trapped by her – maybe he'd actually start listening to the words she's saying."

I stand up and kiss his cheek.

"Thank you, Shigure-niisan. You've helped me out a lot."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! SLAM!!

Kami, I HATE alarm clocks! I sit up and groggily rub my eyes. There's light coming in the window… Wait. This isn't Tohru's bedroom. I'm ME again! What day is it? Where is that darned watch? It's Sunday.

I was dreaming? That had to be the most realistic dream I've ever had.

But if it was just a dream… Does that mean that my conversation with Shigure was just made up in my head? It must be. He knew too much about that day. It's not like he was there when I found Kyo.

Then again, he always has known more than anyone thinks – and about things you'd never even think to think about.

But still, it must have been a dream. And if it's a dream, then it must have been my unconscious mind working through my assignment for me. And if that's the case…

Let's get to work!

Description of the incident: I came over to his house because a girl had started living there, and I noticed that since she had come into his life, his temper had mellowed a bit. My purpose was only to give him more encouragement, because it had been raining and I know that the rain always gets him down. He came in from the living room – I think he was about to help Tohru set the table for lunch – wearing his favorite black t-shirt and khaki pants. (I was in my green dress with a pair of new green boots – Doc Martens that come halfway up the calf. They're really cute! My cousin Rin got them for me for Christmas last year.)

When I saw him, I immediately hugged him - because I know that he doesn't get much physical contact from anyone in his life - and said, "Kyou, my love! I missed you so much!" He got mad and pushed me away, towards the front door, and said, "Get off me you crazy bitch!"

Now, I should probably preface this next bit by stating that I do have an issue with anger management. That's one of the reasons I'm taking this class. I know that you say that whenever we're angry it's because we feel helpless. I really do agree. I'm hoping this class will instruct me on options so that I can find creative solutions in communicating so that I feel more in control and less helpless.

That got me mad, so grabbed him and did a powerhouse throw. He landed on the porch, with his back up against the railing, kind of sprawled out. I grabbed his shirt front and picked him up – and he kind of got his feet under him, so he was pulling away from me again and I started punching him as I said, "What is the matter with you? I miss you and I love you so much, and this is how you treat me? You'll treat me better once we're married!"

By this time, we were in the front yard of where he lives, and he sat up from where he was laying on the ground (I hit really hard when I'm mad), looked at me and yelled, "Get it through your thick head! We're not getting married. EVER! I don't love you. I've never loved you and I never will! Now LEAVE! ME! ALONE!!"

I remember that a leaf fell from the tree behind where he was sitting. His body language reminded me of a cat that's been cornered and is looking for a way to jump, run, and hide.

I grabbed him by the collar, glared at him, and said in a deep voice, "You really don't want to take that tone with me." Then, I grabbed his hand, giggled, and said, "C'mon, silly! Let's go have lunch! I noticed Tohru was setting the table when I arrived."

He followed behind me dragging his feet. But it started raining, so he didn't fight too much. We had a quiet lunch and then, as soon as the weather cleared a bit, I went home.

Why my communication failed: Well, I think my first mistake was concentrating on what I wanted to say so much that I failed to listen to what he was saying. As you may have guessed, this is only one incident in a series. This sort of thing happens all the time between us. We have a really long history.

This goes hand-in-hand with the second problem: I've put more so much importance on how much I want him to realize how wonderful he is, that I've failed to notice that by doing so, I'm just putting more pressure on him – making him feel trapped.

Finally, there is the problem that I have been under the incorrect belief that I understand everything of what he is thinking and feeling. But we never really know everything in the other person's mind. That's why listening is the most important factor in communicating.

Desired reaction: This is pretty simple. I desired him to smile at me like he used to when we were kids – back when he felt about me the way I feel about him now. I wanted him to lift his head up tall and proud. And maybe say that he loved me, too. But even if that didn't happen, just to see him have a little more self-confidence, and to see him feel assured by the knowledge that someone believes in him – that would be enough.

Analysis: I believe that Kyou cannot believe the words that I am saying to him when I tell him I love him because of the force with which I say them. Understanding his past history, I can see why this is the case. Even his own mother used to say one thing to him, but her body language conveyed an entirely different meaning.

In addition, I believe that he may no longer remember an event that occurred between the two of us that would give my words more truth when he heard them. It was a stressful event for him – one that I won't go into here – and I believe that because the event brought about such a strong bad memory, that he has forgotten both the event and my subsequent reactions that would show him that I mean what I say when I say it. I've been hoping that by repeating myself with more and more force that he might have his memory triggered. But I now feel that is not going to happen.

To put it simply: Kyou needs to feel accepted for who he is. I thought if I just said it loud enough, he'd know it was true. But that's not the case. All that has been occurring by my responses is to make him feel trapped – like he doesn't have a choice. That is not the way to convey love to someone. When you love someone, you accept them – regardless of whether they accept you.

I've been terrified that, as he gets closer to this new girl in his life – a quietly strong girl who is so much better at conveying love and concern than anyone I've ever met – that he'd fall in love with her and I'd be left alone. But I've come to realize that, as I do love him, I need to allow him to do what makes him happy. I do not believe she will choose him, and that will hurt him so much. So I've been getting more and more forceful. But instead, I need to use her as an example of behavior. She's like the little prince, taming the fox. Kyou is my fox. I need to be patient, offer him love from a distance, and wait until he comes to me.

By showing that I trust him to make his own decision, I will be conveying everything that I've meant to convey – quietly. And I think that he'll understand. I know he's wonderful – how could he not make the right choice? And if it's not me, by my trusting him, he'll know that I really will continue to love him – regardless of the choice. And that is, after all, what I really want say.

I plan to implement this plan immediately. I will start by visiting him like I would any other person. I will still tell him that I love him. But it will be quiet. And I will be in control. Because I'm not afraid any more.

"As I hand back your papers, you'll notice that I've put comments in the margin. Please understand that ultimately, when analyzing your communications, only you can be the judge of the discussions you've had, your goals, and your progress. However, if I've noticed something that might be of assistance to you, or possibly an area where you appear to be trying to deceive yourself, I HAVE noted that. I hope you will hear my suggestions, consider them honestly, and use them where you feel appropriate.

"Again, I have to say that I'm really looking forward to working with you all on this through the next month. We do have quite a range of communication roadblocks. As we move on, I may ask if you feel comfortable sharing portions of your work with others in the class. We can all learn from our shared experience, if we share it with each other in an open and caring environment. You will not be forced to share. If you choose to keep your learning to yourself, that is perfectly acceptable – and no one will say ANYTHING negative about you either way.

"I look forward to seeing you on Wednesday. Please review the notes I've left you, consider how they may help you, and in our next class, I'll start pulling you aside one by one to get you ready for the next phase of the project.

"Good night, class."

Everyone's received their papers back except me. The rest of the class is flipping through their sheets, some scowling, some laughing, and gathering up their books to leave.

"Um, Gail-sama? I didn't get my paper back…"

"Kagura-kun. Yes. I've got your paper right here. Can you wait for a moment?"

I nod and stand by her desk as she follows the last of the students to leave toward the door and then slides it shut.

"I wanted to talk to you about your paper."

GULP.

"I don't believe in all my year of teaching that I've seen anything so honestly written on this assignment," she says as she hands me back my paper. "Quite honestly, I think the next few weeks are going to be cake for you. The others in the class are all struggling. It takes a lot to admit your weaknesses to yourself, but you don't seem to have that difficulty. There are also some students who have the opposite problem, they don't see their strengths. But you don't have that problem, either.

"You've pretty much completed the entire assignment for the next month, and I've already given you an A on the assignment. So I was hoping that you might be willing to implement your plan for communicating differently to your man, and keep notes on what works for you. Then, if you feel comfortable with it, would you consider sharing with the class? – You don't have to decide now."

I just stare at her in shock, and then look down on my paper that has a big blue "A" on it.

"You really have a heart for seeing through the externals to the core of what's being communicated. After the semester is over, if you have enjoyed the class, I'd like to discuss with you some classes you might wish to take, and some career paths that I believe you would absolutely excel at.

"I'm glad to have you in my class, Sohma Kagura-san."

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Hello, Kagura. I'm really glad you could come over for lunch again."

"Well, thanks for inviting me, Tohru. Did you tell Kyou that I was coming over?"

"No, of course not, Kagura-san. You asked me not to!"

"You're the best! …Hey, can we go talk for a minute? In your room, maybe?"

I sit on her bed, then turn to her and give her the biggest hug. I make sure that I'm smiling, but how can you not smile when you're with Tohru?

"Tohru, have you ever had a dream you were someone else?"

"Eh?!?" She is so cute when she's confuse.

"I had a dream the other night. I was you. I woke up late, and Kyou made breakfast – "

"That happened to me on Sunday!"

Okay. That's just weird.

"Well, anyway… after spending a day as you (in my dream, of course), I just wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

I just smile at her. "You know, I'm betting that living in this house with those three baka has got to be quite trying at times. Yuki and Kyo can't even begin to work through their emotions enough to do anything, and the way they treat you – it would be completely appalling if I didn't know it was because they're so fragile inside."

She's cocking her head like a dog listening to something far away.

"What I'm trying to say is that those BOYS aren't always going to understand you, and you might need someone to talk to. I know you've got Hana and Uo, but they don't know about the Jyunnishi, so… I want you to know that you can come to me to talk about anything. All you have to do is call me. From the way that Yuki jumps away from you every time he feels like he's getting too close to the way Shigure flirts with you and expects that you don't understand what he's getting at – even though you do and don't want to admit it."

She's flailing her arms and sputtering at me. I grab her arms, hold them down. Gotta maintain eye contact if I want to calm her down. "Tohru-chan. Don't worry. No one else knows that Shigure confuses you and… well Yuki and Kyou do, too. I only know because… well, I think we all care about you so much, but I'm the only woman around here besides you, so I can see things those three idiot men can't!

"And… Tohru, you're the only girlfriend I have. You're wonderful in so many ways."

"Kagura-san." She smiles so sweetly. It's no wonder they all are a little bit in love with her. I guess I am too – in a strictly platonic way! "You're so amazing. I'm so happy to be friends with you." She hugs me tightly.

"Tohru-chan, there's one more thing: I don't want Kyou ever to come in between us being friends. I want you to know that I want what's best for all of us. So… if you start having feelings for him, please tell me. Not that I'm going to stop loving him! But… I don't want you to feel bad for loving him, too – if you do. I mean… He's just so lovable, isn't he?"

"Sigh. Kagura, I think all you Sohmas are some of the most lovable people I have ever met."

I tossle her hair as I stand up. "That's just because you think EVERYONE is lovable. That's why you're the sweetest girl ever.

"Well, I'm going downstairs. I need to talk to Shigure about something."

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Come in, Tohru-chan."

"Actually, Shigure, it's me."

"Kagura! What a pleasant surprise! Have you seen Kyou? He's on the roof, I think. But if you could wait, I could call him down to the yard so that my house won't get smashed apart again."

"Shigure, I'll be talking to Kyou after lunch. And I think you' have more to worry about from Yuki and Kyou than you have from me.

"I came here to talk to Tohru, to talk to you, to talk to Yuki, and then I'll have a chat with Kyou. It's now your turn." I give him my most evil glare, and smile when I see him blanch and gulp.

"Of course, Kagura. How may I be of service?"

"I need to set you straight on a few things. Tohru is the most lovely girl in the whole world. I can tell you've got something planned for her – although I don't know what it is. I just want to let you know that if you don't treat her like the princess she truly is, then I will come here and I will tear down your house – with you in it!

"But! I know that although you don't like to admit it, there's a good heart in there, so you're not going to make me need to do that, are you?

"And lastly…" I fling my arms around him and hug him. "Thank you for understanding me better than anyone else. I may not be able to make Kyou remember, but I'm going to do everything I can so he will learn all over again that I love him more than anyone. He may never be like we were when we were kids, but that's okay because I love him even more now than I did then.

"So keep believing in me?" He pulls out of my hug, smiles up at me and wipes away my tear.

"Hai." Then he kisses my forehead. See! He really does have a good heart. I kiss him on the cheek and then leave to help Tohru with lunch.

He looked so shocked when I mentioned not being able to make Kyou remember – I wonder… that dream…

Lunch was hysterical. I waited in the kitchen until Kyo was seated.

"Hey! There's an extra place. Who's coming over?"

I walked in, and Kyo looked like he was going to jump out of his own skin.

I sat down quietly and said, "Hello, Kyo. Hello, Yuki. Thanks for having me over for lunch, today." Then Tohru and I started chatting about random things. Kyou and Yuki looked like their jaws were going to fall off. Shigure looked like he was going to bust a gut laughing.

After lunch, I asked Kyou if he would mind if I joined him on the roof for just a few moments.

He was so stunned, he just agreed readily. I thanked him and said that I needed to visit the little girl's room first, but that I'd be up there momentarily. He looked like he was about to bolt, but Tohru pulled him aside and told him that I really was just there to talk to him. When he said – it's amazing how he thinks we can't hear him when he's yelling – that he was not going to stick around just to get pummeled, Yuki said, "Really? Then why do you always insist on challenging me? I thought you must like getting beaten." As Kyou was about to lose it, Tohru pulled him aside and said, "No really, Kyou. She just wants to talk." And then she started getting that look of disappointment that she never realizes she gets when people start to behave poorly – the one that says, "I thought you were better than that. I do so hope that I'm right!" And he just melted, sighed, and said, "I'll be on the roof."

After I finished in the little girl's room – I touched up my make up, made sure my breath was fresh, etc. – I knocked lightly on Yuki's door.

"Kagura, please come in."

"Yuki. I only have a minute. But I just wanted to share something with you quickly." I smile at him encouragingly. "Don't be scared anymore. You have to trust someone or you'll always be alone like you were when you were little. You're not alone anymore, so stop being afraid of yourself. Trust your instincts. And put some faith in your dreams. Okay?" I kiss his cheek and go out to face Kyou.

As I climb to the roof, my heart is hammering in my chest. But then, when I see him, I become very calm. I AM in control.

I just sit next to him quietly and stare up at the clouds floating by.

After a few minutes, he interrupts, "Well, didn't you say you wanted to talk? So talk already!"

I smile at him. "Kyou-kun." I sigh and start again. "I'm going to talk for a bit, and if I don't get it all out, then I might not be able to, and then I might lose my temper. So please try to let me finish. Okay?" He nods. I close my eyes because I know if I actually look at him, I won't be able to get started.

"I've been saying that I love you for so long now. But more and more, it feels like you don't really believe me. And I've always felt like you didn't believe me because you just thought you weren't worthy of being loved. But now, Tohru's come into our lives. And when a wonderful girl like that tells you that she likes you – well, you just have to believe that you really are something special.

"And I've been thinking that maybe, because I've been trying so hard, that even though you now are starting to know that you ARE wonderful, maybe you still don't believe ME!

"Our family has been so terrible to you – with the exception of Kazuma-sensei. But… I've always… wanted to show you that they're all idiots! I mean, you're not just the cat. You're KYOU! You're funny, and strong, and you have the ability to truly say what you feel – and I can tell you that no one else in our family does that – including me. Although I've always tried to be like you in that regard – at least with you – it just never comes out right.

"But I'm going to try harder to be like you. I want to be able to tell you what I really feel and not hide in my fear any more.

"I know you may never feel about me the way you used… I mean, the way I feel about YOU. But, no matter what happens – no matter who you end up deciding you love –" I open my eyes and look right into his. "I will always be here for you. Rooting for you. Loving you.

"All I really want is for you to be truly happy."

He stares at me and doesn't say anything. I feel a tear run down my cheek and I smile at him, letting my heart go free, like a bird.

I lean over and kiss his cheek. He doesn't pull away.

"Do you mind if I call you later in the week to see if you're free to maybe talk or practice or something?"

When he shakes his head, and mutter, "Uh. Sure?" I laugh.

"Well, I gotta go now. Bye bye, Kyo."

That really was nice. I'm glad I had to get home, though. I don't want to rush it - this is fun, but I'm it's really new.

I really do love him - just like I've always said. And I think he really may believe me someday.

The sky is so clear and beautiful today!