Chapter 5

Shadows of Doubt

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A week had passed, and Tifa had not forgotten the cloaked man or his association with Cloud.

Often during the past two years, she had wondered if Cloud had found what he was looking for, if he was alright, what he was doing now, and so on. If he had been able to find Aeris in the Lifestream, what did he do after that? Would he try to find a way to resurrect her?

But that was too impossible to even think about. Even though they were living in a world where the miracles of Materia cured near-fatal wounds every day, it was against the laws of nature to raise the dead. But still, would he waste his life away, desperately seeking the unattainable?

It reminded Tifa so much of herself, and whenever she found herself in an idle moment, the old argument would come creeping up on her, like a recurring nightmare–

Did he love her?

Aeris had been Tifa's sole female companion-in-arms during the Battle for the Planet before Yuffie joined the group, and even after, when Yuffie was more disposed toward being annoying than sociable company. Tifa and Aeris had been best friends, and secretly, best rivals.

They were both in competition for Cloud's attention, although Tifa would never admit it and she wasn't even sure if Aeris had ever realized it. She would watch while Aeris flirted with him and even listen with a polite smile on her face afterward when Aeris would deliver the details and talk about her daydreams about Cloud. It even used to make Tifa angry, having to sit and smile and adding friendly yet short commentary, all the while thinking that Aeris wouldn't know devotion from a hole in the ground.

But even as she thought this, Tifa was sure that Aeris had never meant to hurt her. It seemed to her that Aeris was just an attractive, outgoing girl who had obviously taken an interest in Cloud, and who had also just failed to realize how much she was hurting her own friend.

But Tifa would sigh as she always did when she reached this particular point in the ancient argument that she waged against herself in her mind. She knew that it was her own fault that had never really told Aeris how she had truly felt about Cloud, and it was certainly her own fault that she had never told Cloud himself, other than reinforcing the firm belief that they were friends and shying away from any insinuation of something more.

As for Cloud, he had never really been anything but polite and friendly to Aeris in return. After she had died, however, he seemed to be the one most affected. Tifa had cried, because despite her silent rivalry for Cloud's heart, Aeris had been her friend. Cloud didn't cry, at least not around the rest of the team. He didn't say anything, and that was the most unnerving part. Not when he lay her body to rest at the bottom of the lake, not when they crossed the ice fields and the frozen glacier, following her murderer with a such fierce look of determination in his eyes.

When he did mention her name, it was with great respect and solemnity. When he spoke of her, he spoke of her great sacrifice, and of her warm smile.

When he spoke like that, he broke Tifa's heart.

She'd never asked him how he really felt about Aeris. She didn't think she would live through the heartache of having to hear him make it real. She didn't even know if she could trust herself to comfort him like the friend that she said she was. She was so scared that she might even tell him her feelings, of possibly ruining the close friendship they had shared for so long, that she let the chance to tell him escape altogether.

Now he was gone, and she was left with the guilt of being too afraid to tell him the truth and at least hear his side. Never a day went by that she didn't regret not telling him her feelings. Even if he had rejected her, at least there wouldn't be this feeling left behind. This feeling of uncertainness. It ate at her every second of consciousness, and every moment in her dreams. It hurt so badly that she would have the sudden impulse to get up and find him, just to pour her aching heart out to him, no matter the circumstance, for at least she would be rid of it.

But then she remembered the familiar fear of rejection. She could just imagine him trying to let her down easily, telling her that they were still good friends, but he just didn't see her that way.

They would never be close again after that. There would always be a wary look in his eyes, too afraid to get too close again. Or perhaps he would be just so disgusted with her confession that he would turn his back on her forever.

In the end, she always decided that it was better this way. Loving him from a distance was better than losing his respect and friendship. But to finally be at rest in his arms...if only he could understand!

Then she would just start the circle over again. Her pain was endless, and there was no escape. So she lived another day, the longing never ceasing, ever growing. That's why in the times when they were together as friends, just to be near him gave her infinite peace and happiness. The void was filled, if only temporarily, and she felt bliss. When he left, the wretched gnawing feeling of loneliness and longing returned. It was being rescued from a storm only to be cast back into it. It was hell.

Always depressed with the guilt and regret after a session of The Argument, Tifa often wanted to escape to a place of comfort and serenity. Of course, the only place she could think of that met those exact requirements was the reason why she was depressed in the first place, aggravating her even more.

Lately, she liked to collect her thoughts by hiking up Da-Chao and sitting at the very highest point. Yuffie had taken her there once before, knowing what it was like to want an escape, if for another reason (she had often used this as an escape route when she stole something and needed a safe getaway).

Just such an occasion happened one evening while Tifa was cleaning up the bar. She was feeling so depressed with the reminders of her past that she decided to take the night off. She left Yuffie in charge (which she normally would have been a bit reluctant to do, but at that point she really didn't care if the whole place burned down) and went home to change out of her kimono and into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. She slipped on her Premium Heart gloves, just in case she needed to hit something, and then started on her way up the mountain side.

Da-Chao Mountain reminded her of the Nibelheim cliffs she used to scale when she was younger. Wutai's mountain was nowhere near as cold or rocky as Nibelheim's, but the thrill of hiking and climbing was there. The fresh mountain air filled her lungs, and she was almost immediately at peace. She tried to clear her mind, as she knew from experience that if she pushed the issue concerning Cloud to the back of her mind, she could at least get a decent night's sleep.

Tifa reached the summit in almost no time, encountering no one and nothing along the way.

Almost strange, she thought, as the mountain usually had one or two monsters for her to pummel and relieve stress upon. She decided to put that out of mind as well, and instead enjoy the gorgeous sunset and the incredible ariel view of Wutai.

was just beginning to relax as she stared out at the deep rosy complection of the horizon when she heard a shuffling sound followed several pebbles fall off of the cliff behind her. She suspected Yuffie immediately and was preparing to chew her out for leaving the bar when she heard a gruff, scratchy voice instead of Yuffie's high, clear one.

"Hello, again," it said.

Tifa nearly screamed but managed to contain it as she spun around to face none other than the man in black.

"Geeze, you nearly scared me to death!" she breathlessly exclaimed, a hand at her chest feeling her heart rate spike. She blushed, embarrassed at being caught so off guard. "What are you doing, creeping up on me like that?"

"Sorry," the man said, and Tifa thought she heard a wry smile in all that scratchiness. "I wasn't expecting you here..."

She should have been able to see his face, seeing as how the last bit of light was directed at him, but some devious trick of the light allowed the cloak to continue concealing his features.

"What are you doing here?" Tifa asked the obvious question.

The man seemed to think that the answer was just as obvious and didn't deserve an immediate response. Instead, he walked over to Tifa to stand beside her, looking out beyond the cliff. Tifa was rather nervous from this movement and stepped to the side, away from the cliff's edge. The man laughed upon seeing Tifa's reaction, but it was a pleasant laugh which again rang painfully familiar upon her ears.

"Perhaps I'm here for the same reason as you?" The man suggested finally. "You seemed to be enjoying to sunset."

Tifa silently watched him for awhile, wondering which of her many questions she should ask him. He became aware of her silence and turned to face her, tilting his head slightly as if giving her a questioning look.

"Am I bothering you?" he asked with a trace of uncertainty in his voice. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. Please enjoy your evening..." the man mumbled, taking several steps toward the slope leading down the mountain trail.

"No, wait, please!" Tifa suddenly shouted. The man seemed slightly startled, and stopped abruptly.

"Yes, what is it?"

"Why..." she began with a whisper, her eyes searching the ground for the words that she wanted to say.

"Why does your voice...sound so familiar?" she finally asked, looking up at him critically. The man suddenly looked away for a moment.

"You mean, I sound like Cloud?"

Tifa blushed a little. It seemed that the man could read her thoughts.

"Yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to say..." Tifa said, and then an idea started forming in her head. It became more impossible as it grew, but it was too wonderful to ignore...

Maybe, he... he's actually... Tifa's eyes widened as hope flooded her heart. Cloud! She was about to cry out, but the man spoke too quickly.

"Perhaps we sound similar because we share Jenova's cells, and we've had prolonged exposure to Mako," he said shortly.

Tifa felt all of the air rush out of her lungs as though she had just been sucker-punched in the stomach. Her hope drained out of her and she suddenly felt tears threatening to spill out. She was angry at herself for being so stupid and hopeful. She was also embarrassed at her reaction, and quickly turned around so that she wouldn't have to face him. The man seemed to notice her obvious disappointment.

"I'm sorry. That must not have been the right answer," he muttered. He paused before continuing. "Is there anything I can do for you before I leave?"

The man stood silently for a few moments while she dried her eyes. She was angry with the way she had been losing control of her feelings lately and would probably lose control of her temper as well if he didn't leave soon. It wasn't his fault, she knew, but she didn't really feel like talking to him any longer. The man seemed to sense this.

"I'll just leave, then."

The man started down the mountain path, taking long strides. Tifa noticed this and wondered if he was annoyed with her. She had acted like a child this evening. As she calmed down a little, she decided that she did want to ask him about Cloud. She'd had it with pining away for Cloud, and she was going to find him or die trying. Since that man was the last person she knew of that had seen him, she would have to ask him a few more questions.