Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. On an unrelated side note, I've noticed that my fish like to circle streams of bubbles in their tank, and my cat likes to circle the fish tank. My dog likes to circle the cat, the earth circles the sun, and the sun has a huge rotational orbit of it's own in relation to other solar systems. My conclusion is that square shaped glasses went out of style for this reason. Rage against the machine! Four corners rule!
AN: Chapter Nine begins approximately two weeks before Christmas Eve and ends after Christmas, so the first few sections predate A Very Dursley Christmas while the last few sections are simultaneous to and after it. And if you haven't read A Very Dursley Christmas yet, you might want to before you read Chapter Nine or the end could ruin some of the jokes.
Chapter Nine: A Black Fated Christmas
Harry saw Draco, Hermione, Ron, and Neville off to the train the next morning. Somehow he also ended up lugging Draco's second trunk there, too, but he figured that if the blonde's Christmas present failed to make up for the manual labor, he could always have Draco join the ranks of such notables as Fluffy, Mrs. Norris, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw. Of course, Harry doubted he would live to see December 26, but Draco's trunk was really heavy…
After his friends had left-and Pachamama had fixed the strained muscle in his back-Harry returned to his Godfathers' rooms, where they were waiting to floo to Black Manor. Harry couldn't help wondering if it was really black… Knowing his Godfathers, it was much more likely to be decorated in multicolored paw-prints, but then they would have changed the name to Party Town.
Actually, Black Manor was blue and mahogany, as Harry found out when he tumbled out of the fireplace and into the china cabinet. The bulk of the blue decorations came from the shattered china scattered across the floor of the parlor, and the rest of the furniture was mostly mahogany.
"Okay, new rule," Remus said as he helped Harry to his feet. "You don't come through the floo until one of us is on the other side waiting with a pile of cushions and an impediment charm."
Harry grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."
From his pocket, Rumples gave a disgruntled squeak. "I think the fireplace doesn't like us," Loki whined.
Sirius was grinning evilly. "Don't be. I've been trying to find a subtle way of disposing of my mother's china for years, but Remmy wouldn't let me." He let out a delighted cackle. "Now it's gone! GONE!! Mwah ha ha ha!!!"
"Bad puppy! Down!" Moony was more than a little disturbed by the glint in his mate's eyes. For that matter, Harry was a little anxious as well. "Heel!" Then the werewolf took Harry on a tour of the manor.
As it turned out, only the parlor was decorated in dark colors. The house apparently refused to change it in case any visitors arrived. ("I suppose it thinks it has to look presentable," Sirius said, affecting an air of grave pomposity as he led them through the orange and purple dining hall. "Did you know dogs are color blind?" Remus asked Harry.) Most of the house varied between astonishing shades of lime green, scarlet, blue, and hot pink. ("Remus, why is the library pink? I mean, sure, a bathroom I guess I could understand, but shouldn't a library be a little less…neon?" "I just bring the books to my rooms, not that yellow polka dots are much better…" The two shared an understanding wince behind Sirius's back.) Fortunately, the house was only about half the size of Malfoy Manor. Unfortunately, that meant that the tour only took one hour instead of two.
"So," Sirius said as he stopped outside of a large oak door, "what do you think?"
"I'm redecorating!"
"You don't like it?" Padfoot looked heartbroken.
"That was Juno," Harry said soothingly as he set his rubber squeak toy on the floor. The possessed mouse promptly ran off and got to work. "I think it's nifty…and roomy…and big…and stuff," he finished awkwardly.
Sirius grinned. "Great! This is your room! I saved it for last because I decorated it secretly! Not even Remus has seen it!" Then he flung open the door.
It looked like someone had taken balloons full of paint and flung them at each wall then stamped smiley faces over everything. The wardrobe was a giant clown in a white suit whose belly opened to store clothing, and the bed was another clown with the fingers curled over the top to serve as the canopy.
Harry drew in breath to scream…and the walls became a lovely woodland scene that seemed to extend into the distance. The dresser changed into an oak tree that opened at the knot hole; the bed was camouflaged to look like a hill. The ceiling was charmed to reflect the night sky.
"Oooh…pretty…" Sirius said from the doorway. "Can we redo our bedroom like this Remmy?"
Remus looked like he was about to start dancing for joy. "Of course we can, dear," he somehow managed to control his tone.
"I'm going to go see what else Juno did," Siri said before running off.
Remus broke out into a huge smile. "If she was anything other than a squeak toy possessed by a deity who'd probably kill me for my cheek, I'd kiss her!"
"A simple 'Thank you, Juno, for saving me from this decorator's hell' would do," Rumples said from beside his foot. "Never let that man decide another color scheme as long as he lives!"
"Thank you, Juno, for saving us from this decorator's hell," Remus and Harry said.
Sirius gave an undignified shout from the library. "Who puts purple and blue together?! Honestly!"
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The two weeks leading up to Christmas Eve passed in a blur of shopping and family time. Harry got to know his two Godfathers even better than they realized simply by watching them interacting. Sirius, for example, was actually exceptionally brilliant in a special sort of way; it was just hidden by his 'puppy' personality, and Remus liked to try and sneak peeks at his Christmas presents early. Thus, all of Moony's presents had to be booby-trapped until Christmas.
He also knew that they were plotting something separate from each other. Harry thought that was more than a little odd considering all of the stories they had told him about the Marauders. He knew that if they were planning pranks, it must be something huge to make them work on it in separate sections.
Harry, Remus and Sirius flooed over to Malfoy Manor the morning of Christmas Eve with their arms full of presents-well, Sirius and Remus had the presents. Harry flooed over carrying a large over-stuffed body pillow and a snickering squeak toy, and he still managed to shoot out of the fireplace like a cannon ball.
Severus, Lucius, and Narcissa were standing by the outside doors. Draco was waiting with his feet up on the couch out of the line of fire. The blonde had to muffle his laughter in a cushion when Harry's pillow exploded in a blizzard of feathers, making the dark-haired boy look like he had just been tarred. Harry frowned at his friend momentarily, and then he opened the outside doors, gathered up a snowball, and dumped it down the back of Draco's robe.
"Merry Christmas, Draco," Harry said cheerfully as the blond Slytherin shrieked and tried to dislodge his early Christmas present.
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At noon, the grown-ups disappeared. They claimed they had some sort of unavoidable meeting that they had to attend and that they probably wouldn't be back until the next morning. The house elves were left to ensure the boys' good behavior, and dinner was to be provided promptly at eight o'clock. All five apparated away with evil grins on their faces.
"What do you think their up to?" Harry asked Draco as the blond pulled out his chess set. "Because whatever it is, I don't think it's the type of meeting where actual business is attended to."
"I don't know," Draco shrugged then smirked, "but I'm giving them one chess game for unexpected returns in case any of them forgot to bring something, and then I'm finding out what I got for Christmas. And no divine intervention while we're playing!"
Harry pulled Rumples out of his pocket and set it by the chess board before he noticed something odd. For the first time since the start of the term, his squeak toy was nothing more than a rubber mouse. "I don't think you'll have to worry Draco…I think my guardians are up to something too." Then Harry proceeded to lose spectacularly.
"I love this game," Draco grinned and pulled out his wand. "Now, presents!"
"We aren't allowed to use magic outside of school during the holidays."
"The Ministry can't detect wand use within the manor." Harry grinned widely, and the two boys set to work.
Three hours later, they admitted defeat. Well, more of a temporary setback, really… "Okay, plan B," Draco said, flopping back onto the couch with an exhausted sigh. "Ask someone who knows to tell us what they are."
Harry sprawled bonelessly across a chair. "Where are we going to find someone who knows what we got for Christmas?"
Draco looked incredulous. "Harry, are you a summoner or not?! Surely there's an omniscient deity or two out there that would be willing to divulge a little privileged information."
"Oh, right," the brunette was embarrassed. He closed his eyes, too tired to concentrate on summoning a specific god, and concentrated on summoning someone who knew everything about everyone and would be willing to gossip about it.
"Harry, we only needed one…"
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Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos were slowly but surely driving the two boys nuts. For some reason, the three fates seemed determined to carry on an argument about donuts rather than talk about Christmas presents, but the worst part was that it was a circular argument in the truest sense of the term. They had been saying the exact same things for eight straight hours! The three hadn't even noticed when Harry and Draco had excused themselves for dinner. Now the two boys were plotting ways to interject themselves into the argument to get them to a) talk about presents or b) leave.
"I'm not sure how they would respond to an attempt to interrupt them," Harry said. "Remember, Atropos snips the life lines, so it isn't a good idea to go making her mad." ("The reason that donuts have holes in them is so kittens can use them as life preservers!" Clotho remained adamant.)
"What if we subtly threw them in the dungeon?" ("But kittens hate water," Lachesis pointed out for the 3, 387,472 time. "I doubt there would be such a large demand for kitten life preservers as to require the amount of donuts baked per day.")
"I didn't know you had a dungeon…" ("That's why donuts are also sugary pastries. They must be useful until such a time as the kittens of the world need them," Atropos managed sarcasm quite well for an old woman.)
"All castles have dungeons. That's where we hide all of our relations that we don't like." (Clotho remained oblivious. "At least Atropos sees my point!")
"Are there any down there right now?" ("Actually, dear, that was sarcasm.")
"No, we let them out over the holidays." ("Oh...")
"That's nice of you." ("It seems to me that poking holes in donuts is a waste of perfectly good pastry parts," Lachesis said reasonably. "Why not simply leave them in and have more donut?")
"I thought so." ("The reason that donuts have holes in them is so kittens can use them as life preservers!" Clotho remained adamant-again.) "Are they ever going to stop that?" Draco groaned.
"Somehow I doubt it," Harry answered mournfully. ("But kittens hate water…") The two boys fell asleep on the couch a few minutes later listening to the three fates droning on and on. As soon as they were fully asleep, the three immediately ceased their arguing and set a spell upon the two boys to keep them asleep until morning.
Lachesis raised an eyebrow at her younger sister. "Life preservers?"
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When Harry and Draco awoke Christmas morning, the three fates were gone.
"If I weren't a Slytherin, I'd say this was a valuable lesson about attempting to open Christmas presents early," Harry said.
Draco nodded agreement. "Instead, it's a valuable lesson about preparing better in advance and never summoning those three again!"
"It's good to be us."
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The five adults who appeared for breakfast looked as if they hadn't slept at all during the night, but they also looked as if they'd had a great deal of fun doing so-with the exception of Severus, who merely looked like he had spent the night not killing a great many people and actually hadn't regretted it. ("One day, I'm going to figure out the secret to that glare," Draco whispered conspiratorially to Harry. "Then I'm going to use it on him and see what happens." "Ten galleons says he implodes from shock," Harry whispered back. "More from you glaring at him than anything else!")
"What in the name of Merlin are you two giggling over?" Lucius asked.
"Oh, nothing much," Draco answered lightly. "We're just trying to figure out the best way to make someone implode. We're open to suggestions," he added hopefully.
"The fastest way is to alter an Intrificus Potion with linseed oil after you add in the boomslang skin, but it is, unfortunately, traceable by the Ministry."
"Severus!" Narcissa was incensed. "Do not tell those two how to implode people simply because they asked you!" The Potions Master affected an expression of wounded innocence so totally out of character that Sirius fainted.
"That…was truly gratifying," he said, returning to his normal glaring expression. Remus and Lucius began laughing hysterically, with Harry and Draco soon joining in.
Narcissa just smiled and began trying to revive her cousin.
Once he was awake, Remus spoke up. "We have a surprise for you on the pensieve, Harry, before you open the rest of your presents. We found a way to project the highlights of it up onto the wall. Revero Memora Pensieve!"
It was like watching a movie. There were the Dursleys sitting at home with Petunia craning her neck over the fence posts. Then the fence posts became elves and the decorations on the house changed to include firecrackers and venus fly traps. (Harry felt Rumples stir in his pocket as Loki took control. "You do know that Venus fly traps aren't meant for Northern climates?" Harry whispered as the Dursleys fast forwarded into their car. "So that's why they were so tetchy about growing on the eaves!") He could hear Draco fall out of his chair laughing during the Bunny Foo-Foo Fiasco. (Ate had taken over temporarily. "Do you like what I did with the lyrics, Harry? I thought they needed a little improvement." Harry had tears running down his face because he had been laughing so hard. "I love it! But that poor little kid!" "Don't worry about that. I've got a whole set of sisters that take care of the unintended casualties. They were probably the world's first psychologists! Funny thing, though…they're all named Litai.")
He was slightly disturbed to find out that his Aunt Petunia had always wanted to be an Elvis impersonator, but he had always known that Dudley was secretly a hamster. ("I bet he got that round because he ate his wheel!" Draco wheezed between laughs.) The greatest part was Uncle Vernon's impersonation of a cheesy horror movie: Attack of the FAT MAN!!! He almost hated to see them get captured by the aborigines. Almost. The attack of the Ronalds, however, was scary. It reminded him a little too much of his room. ("I fixed that, remember," Juno said gently from Rumples. "There's nothing to be afraid of, Harry. The clowns won't hurt you.") When Hugin and Munin appeared and herded the Dursleys into the cupboard under the stairs, Harry had a feeling that the three muggles wouldn't come out of this sane. ("What did you do to them?" he asked Odin. "I made them watch Manos: The Hands of Fate without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary," the god replied seriously. Harry winced in pain. He'd seen it with the commentary, and that had been bad enough.) Sure enough, the three emerged pale and shaking. They were also covered in feathers.
That only made Harry laugh harder when a chainsaw wielding Santa Clause jumped out of the fireplace. ("Remus!" Draco was shocked when he asked who was responsible for the prank. The blond grinned. "Wow…vindictive much?") Dudley the hippo's first action was to put his foot through his computer, which was the height of comedy to Harry. Petunia's first action was to try and eat the tablecloth. Vernon's was to get stuck in a doorway. When the earth swallowed the three of them and spat them back out in a pen, Harry felt Pachamama invade Rumples. ("I always thought you were speaking figuratively about making the earth swallow them whole." "No, but you'll notice that I left your garden alone, dear," the Earth mother answered. "I dragged them through a few sewer networks and patches of mud while I was at it.") Then the house blew up. ("I also turned on the Christmas lights." "They were firecrackers," Harry pointed out faintly. "Yes, well, to each his own.") Finally, ten dump trucks dumped something on top of the fire. ("That would be elephant dung," Sirius said proudly. "Yours I take it?" Draco asked. "No," Padfoot was grinning, "last night your mother made the world's largest dung bomb!" "For the last time, Black, Malfoys do not make dung bombs!!" "Your mother is so cool," Harry said. "Yeah," Draco agreed, still in shock.) The 'movie' ended with three trucks from the London Zoo carting the Dursleys off to their new home.
"Remus?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"How long will they be animals?"
"About two more weeks." He produced an envelope full of tickets to the London Zoo for New Years Day. "Want to go see them sometime?" he asked, smiling. "We'll be able to take Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, and Mr. Longbottom along by then."
"Just out of curiosity," Sirius asked, "hippos and walrus technically have hair, don't they?"
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Whew! Another long one! Sorry this has taken me awhile to update, but these next few chapters are probably going to be a few days farther between updates than I normally go. It's finals time at the college, and I'm spouting inaccurate Spanish hither and yon. I'd like to give a big thanks to everyone who has taken time to review! The tangible presents will be in the upcoming chapter.
-Juno is the Roman queen of the gods and the wife of Jupiter. She is typically associated with marriage and the home. Her Greek equivalent is Hera.
-Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos are the three fates from Greek mythology. They're also known as the Moirae. Clotho is the youngest- the maiden who spins out the thread of life. Lachesis is portrayed as a matronly woman who measures out the length of the yarn allotted to each person, and Atropos is the crone who uses a pair of golden shears to snip the thread when it's time for the person to die. Interestingly enough, these three disobey Zeus on a regular basis, but Zeus never disobeys them even though he is supposed to be their master. So no one knows if the Fates or Zeus is the most powerful. (I'd bet on the Fates though…Zeus can't seem to keep any of his children in line, and no one disobeys the Fates.)
-The Litai are Ate's sisters, who are responsible for fixing the damage that she wreaks among mortals-and oh boy does she wreak a lot!
nogoalielikeme: Where did that quote come from? It sounds like something from Monty Python, but I'm probably completely off base. Thanks for reviewing! –Gives out cupcake-
Night-Owl123: Awww…I'm sorry you don't like chocolate truffles…not even the mint filled ones? -Gives out cupcake-
athenakitty: -grins- I don't think Moony trusts Sirius with potentially lethal objects like gavels. Not that Siri is dangerous with them or anything… Oh, and the cameras don't run out of film. Their like the ultimate Polaroid! As to what will happen to the Dursleys once they're human again-or as close as they ever get to it-I'll just snicker evilly and make you wait to find out. -Gives out cupcake-
gaul1: Thanks! If you mean a real dragon, that's an interesting idea… Hmmm, now you've got me thinking about Hufflepuffs roasting over an open fire. Happy Holidays! –Gives out cupcake-
oneofakindwerewolf: Wow, two years? Glad I could help. (And to think, the other people at the asylum thought my odd sense of humor wouldn't get me anywhere!) Just remember, after periods of prolonged laughter, it's always a good idea to calm down by sniffing a catnip mouse. I learned this straight from my cat, so it must be true. :) –Gives out cupcake-
Lady FoxFire: That's an interesting idea…but there's a problem with it. I'm not a particularly frightening person. Sadly, I'm most often compared to a red Muppet when I'm angry, so I somehow doubt I could make someone paranoid simply by an evil grin. I think my best bet would be to hire someone much more imposing to do the grinning for me. –Gives out cupcake-
Lord Sauron the Deciever: Thanks! I just love making Hermione say things like that! -Gives out cupcake-
Silver-Entrantress-Elf: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you like it. :) –Gives out cupcake-
soexasperating: Wow, she's my favorite too! I'm not Greek though… You'll notice I made her a bit OC from her usual portrayals as far as Harry and his family are concerned, but from all the mythology I've read, every god and goddess has a soft spot. I just figure Harry is hers. Thanks! Hope you review again! -Gives out cupcake-
evil-pillow: Thanks, glad you like it! -Gives out cupcake-
Anon Junky: You mean once they get out of the Zoo? Let's just say it will be awhile before they have to worry about finding accommodations. ;) -Gives out cupcake-