Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. (I hate writing disclaimers…stupid things…Can't I be delusional and pretend that I own it? No? Well, at least I still own Rumples, the plot, and another original character that will be introduced this chapter.)
AN: I've had a request to use my fic as a source of inspiration. I don't mind anyone doing this; in fact I'm actually flattered by it. (And to think, I was convinced that this was just a conglomeration of insane ramblings and bits of dialogue…) I also realize that there area great deal of dramatic uses for summoners, but I just personally prefer writing comedy. (One day I might do a drama, but I doubt I would get very far before I put a rubber chicken in it…) All I ask is that you drop me a line in a review and let me know what you're up to because I'd be interested in reading anything that someone had based on this. Also, I'd rather no one uses Rumples or Jinx. I'm very fond of my squeak toys. :) (They're mine!! Mine, I tell you! –Evil laughter-)
/whoopee!/parseltongue
Chapter Ten: The Jinxed Zoo
The unwrapping of Christmas presents was complicated by the adults forgetting to remove the traps on Remus's gifts. After his hair had been turned purple and his nose had become a banana, they finally got the hint. Remus was kind enough to refrain from retaliating since it was a holiday.
Harry received a set of practice Quidditch balls, three books on magical practical jokes, a book on rare magical abilities, and an amulet in the shape of a phoenix from Sirius and Remus. According to the two Marauders, the amulet was covered in protection charms. Severus gave him a book on simple medicinal potions. ("To counteract any injuries you manage to cause using those books," the Potions Master said, glaring at Sirius.) Ron sent him a large package of chocolate frogs, Hermione gave him a book on the history of Merlin, Neville gave him a broom repair kit, and Lucius and Narcissa gave him an ivory and onyx chess set.
Draco gave him a box of chocolates and a rubber snake. "I thought you could use it since you can summon up to two guardians at a time without your tattoos showing," the blond said with a grin. The snake was black with green eyes and a red tongue that flicked out when it was squeezed. Harry named it Jinx.
Jinx was promptly possessed by Loki. "Nice name," the god commented, taking a nip at Rumples-who was currently housing Ate.
/I thought so/, Harry smiled. He abruptly stopped when he heard the collective gasps from around the room. "What?"
"Harry, why didn't you tell us you were a parselmouth?" Remus was in shock.
"What's a parselmouth?" Harry asked.
"It means you can talk to snakes," Draco translated. "This is so cool!"
"Oh, I knew I could do that. I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley once when we were at the zoo." Severus raised an eloquent eyebrow. "Well it isn't as if I asked it to try and bite him! But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it."
"Actually, no," Remus said, slightly calmer. "It isn't a very common gift."
"In fact, it's usually associated with dark wizards." Lucius was promptly slapped on the back of the head by Narcissa. "What? Would you rather Harry goes back to Hogwarts without any warning as to how people might react?"
"Sorry dear." Narcissa didn't sound sorry. "However, that was completely tactless." She turned to Harry with a small smile. "I doubt anyone will have a serious problem with it, Harry. This is one case where your fame can actually make life easier on you because no one in their right mind would ever believe you to be a dark wizard."
Remus nodded. "She's right. I doubt even Gryffindor house will have any serious difficulties accepting it, especially since you're already friends with several of them. You might be able to terrorize the Hufflepuffs though…" The werewolf had a wicked glint in his eyes that meant he was thinking up something usually done by Sirius.
"What about the Ravenclaws?" Draco grinned evilly.
"They're too logical to be threatened by it," Severus said after a moment. "They're much more likely to try to experiment with Harry's ability by bringing him into contact with snakes and several snake-like creatures." He frowned thoughtfully. "I wonder if you could understand dragons. Or wyverns? Possibly lizards…"
/I'm bored!/ Loki whined. /Can I bite someone?/
/One: you're made of rubber. Two: no./ Harry watched the tattoos on his hands thoughtfully. /Is there a way to cover these up when they appear?/
/One: They're meant as a warning to anyone trying to attack you. Two: no./
/Grumpy little snake, aren't you?/ Ate hissed from Rumples.
Harry blinked. "You can speak parseltongue too?"
Ate looked offended. "Goddess. Hello…"
"Right. Sorry."
Jinx gave Harry a pleading look. /Just a little nibble?/
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Ron, Neville, and Hermione arrived by Floo early on New Year's Day. Only one of them displayed Harry's gift for shooting out of the floo like a greased pig. Surprisingly, it was Hermione. The bushy haired girl gave an offended huff as she pulled herself out from under a coffee table, ignoring the laughter surrounding her.
"I don't think it likes people whose name begins with an 'H', but we'd have to kidnap a lot of people to make sure," Harry said as he helped his friend up.
"I've got a better idea," Hermione grumbled. "Why don't we just hex the floo offices into oblivion until they fix the problem?"
Rumples-possessed by Siren-gave an undignified snort. "Why don't we just send explosives along all of the floo networks and explode all the chimneys?"
"Too messy," Harry said dismissively. "We could always alter the floo powder to slow people down as they left."
"And give them polka dots!" Sirius looked excited.
"Anything you came up with would kill everyone who used it, Black," Severus sneered. "Now, I believe we were going to the zoo."
"Right." Remus clapped his hands together. "Zoo now, world domination later."
"What?!" Snape looked confused.
Sirius grabbed one of his arms. "Come, Pinky!"
Remus cleared his throat lightly as Snape was frog-marched to a black limousine. "Sorry, Padfoot, but I think we both know I'm the Brain."
Snape groaned. "I'm in hell."
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The London Zoo was crowded despite the cold. Apparently, there had been a big to-do over the new exhibits thanks to their mysterious origins. Harry was grinning wickedly as they made their way toward the walrus exhibit.
"Oh Uncle Vernon…" Harry sang out cheerfully. "How does it feel to be in your natural habitat?"
The walrus raised its head up from where it was laying on the rocks and bellowed at the party.
"That's about what I thought." The brunette smirked.
Sirius muttered something under his breath while gesturing towards Vernon. Remus noticed what he was doing and grabbed his wrist, but it was too late.
"Who knew walrus's were orange under that thin fur?"
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Petunia was being kept in the petting zoo where her tail was constantly pulled by small brats. She brayed fearfully upon seeing the group of wizards heading towards her-although that may have also been caused by the small child with a stick pin headed towards her tail.
Remus had a tight grip on Sirius's hand, but Petunia was a bald donkey within seconds regardless. The werewolf looked around sharply. Lucius Malfoy was trying unsuccessfully to tuck his wand further up his sleeve. Narcissa grabbed her husband's hand. "You're just as bad as Sirius!" She scolded.
"You know, I heard a lovely joke the other day concerning a donkey, a rabbit, and a rooster," Sirius grinned. Snape's hand twitched from within his robe sleeve, and Sirius suddenly had a trout attached to his lips with duct-tape.
"Where did that come from?" The Potions Master affected an air of innocent curiosity. Sirius ripped off the duct-taped trout and threw it at a goat.
Remus shook his head, deciding to ignore the other three men. "Harry is there anything that you want to say to your Aunt before we leave?"
"Beware the bunnies of impudence."
The donkey blinked.
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Dudley the hippo was completely submerged in water when the group arrived, and he was completely bald a few seconds later. There was really only one thing to do…
"Draco what did you just throw into that pool?"
"Prissy's Permanent Pink Dye."
"He looks like a pig…" Hermione noted, and then giggled. "Pork of the pond!"
"You know, I bet he only gained about five pounds when he changed…" Harry grinned. "We could sell him by the ounce and make a killing." The hippo was backing up into the farthest corner of his cage.
Ron objected loudly to this. "If I'm not allowed to eat the people in my chocolate, then there's no way I'm letting you guys eat hippo meat!"
Neville patted the red-head on the back, and then addressed the large crowd of muggles watching Ron in alarm. "He forgot to take his medication this morning, but he isn't really dangerous, just crazy."
"I'M NOT CRAZY!!!"
"Come along dear," Narcissa said, leading him away from the hippo exhibit.
Harry waved jauntily to his cousin. "Bye Dudley! I think I liked you better as a hamster." Hermione grabbed his arm and pulled him away, mouthing "He's mental" to the stunned muggles.
Their last stop was at the reptile exhibit, where Harry immediately began chatting up a boa constrictor. Its name was Morky, and it had come directly from a zoo in Brazil.
Harry managed to talk it into squeezing the orange walrus in exchange for its freedom.
He pulled Jinx out of his pocket and pointed the toy towards the glass. "Now Brigid!" he whispered. The Goddess bobbed her head, and the glass vanished.
/Thanksss, Lady and sssir./ Morky hissed. Jinx nodded gravely-Brigid had always had a soft spot for snakes.
/Hurry. You don't have much time./ Harry waved him off.
On their way out, the group saw a mad rush of snake handlers headed toward the walrus exhibit.
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A week later, there was an article in the London Times:
WALRUS, HIPPO, AND DONKEY MISSING! CRAZED FAMILY FOUND IN CAGES!
Yesterday three animals vanished from the London Zoo. The walrus, hippo, and donkey-all three of whom were suffering from a mysterious case of hair loss-were found at the residence of the Dursley family on Christmas Day. The Dursleys, however, were missing, and their house was in ruins.
Now the Dursleys have reappeared in the cages of their former pets. The three are reported as being mentally unstable and rambling about McDonalds and horrific movies. They have been taken to the Greensborough Sanitarium for observation while police search for the missing animals.
Sources say that the prognosis for the three Dursleys is grim: "They seem to be suffering from paranoid delusions and severe persecution complexes. Furthermore, they appear to be terrified of the hospital's lingering Christmas decorations. Particularly those depicting Santa Claus. It is unlikely that any of them will recover fully, but we are hopeful that the electroshock therapy will be effective."
Harry, Remus, and Sirius sent them presents of Get Well cards enchanted to play Christmas carols anytime one of them was alone.
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IT'S OVER!! IT'S FINALLY OVER!!! My finals are all nicely completed, and my brain is fried, but the good news is that you can expect regular updates for a while now. Sorry this one took so long, but I actually found studying to be a helpful solution to the problem of comprehensive testing. I've also found that brief naps on top of your notes raises the amount of material you can memorize by soaking the knowledge into your skin as you sleep. –At least, I hope that happened…otherwise I just made up a whole lot of BS on my Contemporary Lit. exam…-
Remember, reviews are very welcome!! -Not that I won't publish chapters without a certain number, but I like feedback.-
nogoalielikeme: Whoo! I love being right! Thanks! -Gives out red velvet cake-
Night-Owl123: Si! Examens estan muy dificil tambien…I had to go back through my English essays to make sure I wasn't using 'y' instead of 'and'. But now…I'm free!!! (At least until next semester) -Gives out red velvet cake-
athenakitty: Actually, I doubt Harry will ever manage to floo properly. There's just too much you can do with a human cannonball…bowling pins for example. :) -Gives out piece of red velvet cake-
Lady FoxFire: My apologies. The cupcakes were chocolate. I'm glad you liked Juno's decorating skills. That's actually what my ideal bedroom would look like. :) I don't even want to think about the possibility of animals trying to mate with the Dursleys…ughh! Squick! I don't know what's worse: the bad mental image or the possibility of more Dursleys! Moving on…Dumbledore (and Fudge, as well, simply because I can't stand bumbling idiots) will be receiving more payback throughout the rest of the fic, and since I plan on making this last through Harry's seven years at Hogwarts…-grins- I'd feel sorry for Dumbledore if I didn't dislike him so much. –Gives out red velvet cake-
gaul1: Glad you liked it! -Gives out red velvet cake-
Siggy: I hadn't actually noticed that until you pointed it out! Score one for unintentional humor! :) As to the use of my fic as inspiration, go ahead. I'm glad you found it useful! Just look up to the AN at the top of this chapter for the conditions-which basically amount to: you can use anything except Rumples or Jinx. –Gives out red velvet cake-
Khadon: Thanks! Technically, though, Rumples is a mouse…but I'm glad you like him! :) -Gives out red velvet cake-
PbookR: Hindu…hmmm…I can swing that. I've actually always been fond of Shiva, but I'll have to do some research to look at the others. –Gives out red velvet cake-