Disclaimer: Help! The antelopes are after me for coloring them purple!

Oh…and I don't own the Harry Potter series or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might mention.

Chapter Twelve: I'm a little teapot…

As it turned out, Sirius and Remus knew of several people who would be willing to smuggle a dragon out of the country-but only one of them wouldn't sell it for potions supplies. So the three Slytherins spent their Sunday using Ron to correspond with Charlie Weasley. It was finally agreed that four of Charlie's friends would pick up Norbert from the Astronomy Tower on Friday night.

"Now all we need to do is get Norbert to the tower," Harry said with a sigh.

"It's simple really," Hermione said with a smile. "We'll transfigure him into a teapot, and they can do a Finite Incantatum on him when they get to the dragon colony."

"Dragons are resistant to magic," Draco pointed out.

"Only in the areas that have scales. Their eyes and the spaces between their toes happen to be quite vulnerable to magic. Their tongue is, as well, but I don't fancy sticking my wooden wand in Norbert's mouth."

"How does it feel to be that smart?" Ron asked curiously.

"It's hard to convince myself that your inferior craniums do not necessarily make you completely inferior to me, however, I have managed to restrain my impulses to use everyone as lab rats rather successfully."

"Thank you," Harry said as he scooted away from the witch.

"You can restrain yourself?" Draco had just turned Neville's hair to a startling shade of orange. "How? More importantly, why?"

"I think of how defenseless Harry would be if I didn't, and I'd rather not have Ate or Odin after me."

Harry wandlessly turned Neville's orange hair into a Mohawk. He hadn't yet figured out how to turn people into pickles, but he was working on it.

"Well, Harry is an exception anyway." Ron had grown bunny ears courtesy of Draco's subtle wand work. "I was referring more to everyone else." The brunette heaved a sigh of relief.

Hermione considered Draco's question for a moment. "I do believe you have a point," she admitted finally. The Patil twins acquired flashing neon signs above their heads saying I saved millions of lives by having a brain transplant. Please refrain from saying 'Coronary Encephalitis' in my presence. Mayhem ensued as a large crowd gathered around the girls and shouted rather mispronounced versions of the two words. The Patil twins fainted.

"That was quite enjoyable!" Hermione looked like her birthday had come early.

Remus, Sirius, and Severus ran out of the castle to see what was going on. Sirius immediately spotted the five friends sitting under a tree. "Which one of you did that?"

Four fingers pointed toward Hermione. "I'm so proud!" Sirius sniffed and wiped away a tear.

Remus walked over as Severus dispersed the crowd. "I do believe we've found our heirs, Padfoot," Moony said, grinning at the head ornaments on the two Gryffindors.

"Indeed we have." Sirius puffed out his chest with pride.

Severus, having overheard the conversation, ran screaming into the castle.

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Friday night found the three Slytherins at the top of the Astronomy Tower holding a lime green teapot with a red claw handle and a purple lid.

"Norbert makes an ugly teapot," Draco observed. The spout flickered briefly like a struck match. "He's an annoying little puffer-fish with smelly stockings." The spout flickered again. "He has the brain of a mayonnaise jar, his scales look like their made from the pot metal of pot metal, and his head is shaped like an old boot!" The spout flared for a full minute. "'Fo schnizzle."

Harry and Hermione shared a brief look of pain with each other…then clapped hands over the blonde's mouth.

"Draco, don't upset the teapot." The blonde glared at Hermione as he attempted to pull his friends hands away. Charlie's friends arrived on their broomsticks before he could manage, and Norbert the Teapot was handed safely into their care. When they flew away, the two finally allowed Draco to speak.

"Homey-dude, this is so whack!" Draco pouted as he trounced down the stairs.

Harry looked at Hermione helplessly. "Do you have any idea what he just said?"

"I think it was English, but I can't be sure."

"Maybe somebody hexed him?"

"No one hexed Mr. Malfoy," Severus said as he pulled Draco up behind him. "However, I would very much like to know what you three were doing up here past curfew."

"It flows like this, daddy-o," the blonde took on a classic gangsta pose. "We was mouthin' wit our home-boy, and he hatched out a funky looking reptile, so we knocked off the little bit to some bruthas who took him to the reptile farm. You dig?"

Snape stared at his godson for a long moment before casting a string of curse-revealing charms on him. He scowled when the results came up negative. "That is the last time I allow you to go shopping for music without supervision! Now would someone kindly translate whatever the hell that was for me?!"

Harry tentatively opened his mouth. "I think he was trying to say that we were visiting Hagrid when a dragon hatched out of an egg, so we sent it off with some people to live in a dragon colony."

"Word, dawg."

"Draco, I highly suggest that you resume speaking in genuine English before I begin deducting House points." Snape's glare was set on skin alive with rusty object.

"Sure…take all the fun out of life." The blonde resumed pouting.

"You're welcome. Now, I can't let this go unpunished so the three of you will be serving detention with Hagrid tomorrow night seeing as he's the cause of all this. And I had better not find you breaking curfew again, do I make myself clear?"

There was a chorus of "Yes, Professor" as Snape took off toward the dungeons.

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Hagrid was sitting around a campfire toasting marshmallows when the three arrived.

"Are we going to turn the forest into a massive conflagration?" Draco looked absurdly hopeful. Harry's cough sounded suspiciously like "Pyro!"

"Na," the gamekeeper said sadly. "I was just hungry, an' there's no..Norbert –sob- ta toast 'em for me." Hagrid began crying piteously.

Hermione walked over and patted him on the back. "There there, Hagrid. You know you couldn't keep him. After all, Norbert deserves to grow up among his own kind."

"And it was illegal," Harry pointed out.

"I know!" Hagrid wailed. "But what if he don't like it in Romania? What if the other dragons are mean to him?! He's jest a baby, after all!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "He'll be fine, Hagrid. Dragons adopt orphaned fledglings all the time, and they're all right."

The gamekeeper sniffled one last time before hefting a crossbow and standing. "Yer right, Draco…I just miss my baby. –sigh- Now, you three have a detention to serve. We're going into the forest to find a hurt unicorn. I've been finding dead unicorns ever since school started up, and sumthin's hurt this one pretty bad."

"What could hurt a unicorn?" Harry asked.

"Werewolves?" Hermione said thoughtfully.

"Are we really going into the forest?" Draco looked nervous.

"Tha' we are, but there ain't a thing in here that'll hurt ya as long as yer with me."

Hagrid said as they headed into the forest with Fang, Hagrid's bloodhound.

"Hagrid, as much as I hate to point this out, anything that would kill a unicorn isn't likely to avoid attacking us simply because of the company we're keeping." Hermione was as nervous as Draco.

"Has it killed anything else?" Harry asked.

"Nope."

"Then maybe it only likes to eat unicorns."

"It ain' been eatin' em. It's been drinkin' their blood."

Draco had an epiphany. "A werepire!"

"What? Where?!" Harry looked confused.

Hermione frowned. "There's no such thing, Draco! Now stop scaring Harry!"

The brunette gulped. "I'm not scared…"

"I think we'd better split up." The three Slytherins stared incredulously at the gamekeeper. "Hermione, you come with me. Harry, Draco, you two go off that way, an' if you get into trouble, send up red sparks. If ya find the unicorn, send up blue ones. Okay?"

Draco scowled. "Fine! But we get Fang!"

"Alrigh', but jes so's you know, he's a ruddy coward."

Harry, Draco, and Fang headed off into the forest, glancing around nervously at every sound. At the base of a skeletal tree, they found a puddle of silver liquid.

"Unicorn blood," Harry breathed.

"Ewww!" Fang barked his agreement with the blonde.

Harry patted Draco on the head and rolled his eyes at Fang. "Come on, you two. There's a trail."

They followed the little splotches of silver deeper into the forest until they found a clearing with a bright object lying in the middle of it. Harry's scar began to throb terribly. A black-cloaked figure was leaning over it, and when it raised its head, they saw that it was wearing a smiley-face mask.

"AAAAHHHH!!!" The two Slytherins sent up purple sparks as they hurriedly backed away. The shadow glided towards them. Fang fled into the forest.

Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?...

Draco blinked. "Is it singing 'I Feel Pretty'?"

"I think so," Harry said slowly. "My scar hurts…"

Such a pretty face! Such a pretty girl! Such a pretty me!

"Why is it that we always manage to end up in these odd sorts of situations?"

"I wish I knew, Draco. I really wish I knew."

I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity any girl who is not me today!

Hoof-beats sounded from behind them, and a large shape launched itself over the boys' heads. A centaur landed in front of them and reared at the singing shape. It began bellowing out another song: I rock with a law suit when I'm going to court, a white suit when I'm getting divorced…

The shape gave a pained howl and fled.

"Harry, am I still here?" Draco asked curiously.

Harry pinched him. "Yes. Am I?"

"Yes. Are they real?"

"I'm not going to pinch them and find out!"

The centaur turned to the two boys. "I am quite real, Draco Malfoy. Harry Potter, do you know what is hidden within the school at this very moment?"

"Yes, do you?"

"Do you know what unicorn blood is used for?"

Draco answered. "It can keep someone alive when nothing else will, but it will curse you or the rest of your life if you drink it. You'll only really be half alive."

"Who would be that desperate?" Harry wondered.

The centaur smiled grimly. "Can you think of no one?"

Draco blinked. "Why would Voldemort have watched 'West Side Story'?"

"More to the point, why would he be singing 'I Feel Pretty'?"

"He has a thing for Broadway musicals," the centaur answered.

"Oh…"

Hagrid, Hermione, and Fang came running toward the three. "Firenze!" The gamekeeper called out. "All right there, boys?" They nodded.

"Mars is bright tonight," Firenze said softly.

Draco nodded and began backing away from the crazy centaur. "Good horsey-person. Nice horsey-person." Harry began humming a lullaby.

"Well, I think that'll be all, Firenze," Hagrid said in a soothing tone. "Have a good night."

Four humans and one dog made their way out of the Forbidden Forest, checking over their shoulders for demented Centaurs as they went.

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Year One is going to be ending within the next chapter, so whoo-hoo!! Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it! -quells sappy demon with a frying pan- The song "I Just Wanna Live" is by Good Charlotte.

evil older sister: No, I don't mind at all! I was actually thinking of having that line put on a t-shirt. :) -Gives out hot cocoa-

Lady FoxFire: Nooo!!! Not Pringles!! What did that yummy piece of cookie ever do to deserve this?! :) I agree. Cho does need torture, but that's going to have to wait until Harry developes hormones. (Year Three at the earliest) Dumbledore, however, I plan to slowly drive insane over the course of seven fics. The itchy underwear was just the beginning. Fawkes, though, I'm going to leave alone…or possibly liberate and make into a co-conspirator.

SIT-Snake in Toilet. :) -Gives out hot cocoa-

athenakitty: A lot of people seem to have a vendetta against Marge… Fortunately, I have a plan! Unfortunately, it doesn't start until the summer before second year. Oh well. –Gives out hot cocoa-

Signeus: I took a look at what you had posted after you mentioned it. Interesting… You really should finish it. It's quite good. –Gives out hot cocoa-

Night-Owl123: Thanks for reviewing! How's this for soon? :) -Gives out hot cocoa-

Xenocide: Benadryl and insomnia, my friend. It's a fun combination. –Gives out hot cocoa-

Fluffy Sun: Thanks! -Gives out hot cocoa-

evil manda: Thanks! I get my ideas directly from my cat, Snowflake. She's probably possessed by alien elves… I find insomnia also helps. -Gives out hot cocoa-

Drake Smythe: Sorry to have disappointed you, but there are times when I'm loathe to deviate completely from the cannon. I simply couldn't see Harry wanting anything more than his parents and Godparents. I also couldn't resist adding in a couple of rubber chickens. Snogard is actually dragons backwards…and aren't they a little young still to be snogging? Thanks for reviewing, though! -Gives out hot cocoa-

Dark Illusionist: I was actually going to do that in Year Two, but your review gave me a jolt of inspiration! I'll just have to give them the map in the second year instead… -grins- It's fun not sticking to a mental outline! -Gives out hot cocoa-

Nahirta: Thanks! Wow, yours too? Rumples is actually based off of a stuffed mouse I have. It also craves world domination! Actually, the chapter titles only contain hints as to what's in the text. In this case, it was Norbert and Erised. I write these things pretty late at night, so the rationality is kept to a minimum. :) -Gives out hot cocoa-