The first letter: Ron Weasley
Dear J.K Rowling (can I call you Jo?):
I am writing this letter to express my concern about my love life, or lack thereof. I must let it be known to you that . . . . .oh, bugger this professional talk.
Jo, why the bloody hell am I not getting any? Harry had Cho Chang, and Fleur Delacour, yet I have no one! NO ONE! Well. . .maybe one. . .but that was just one measly kiss from Fleur – on the CHEEK. Do you dislike my character or something? Have I done something to irritate you? I know you're planning this big surprise between me and Hermione, but can it come any sooner? I mean. . .I'm what? 15? 16? years old now, and I've gotten as much action as Neville's toad. My hormones are raging – I don't know how much longer I can go on without being on the receiving end.
As for pairing me up with Hermione, could you please do something about her bushy hair before it actually happens? I know, I know. . ."Ronald Weasley! You shouldn't judge a girl based on her looks", but, come on, looks play an important role these days (go look at some of those music videos on MTV. . .wow!). Sure, Hermione's a great girl and all, and I think she's pretty. . .but the hair has got to go. I'm afraid it'll come alive and suffocate me when I do kiss her.
I don't care how you get me and Hermione together, as long as you do it soon.
I hope my pleas have been heard.
Yours truly,
R. Weasley.