I don't really know what to say about yesterday. When he attacked Misato liked that, it didn't seem like it was even really happening. He's so passionate about protecting me, but I couldn't even protect him from that terrible experience.
Misato had been like our mother, but there was something about the way her eyes looked when she kept telling him to crush the plug. It was like she needed him to do it, like a great plan had climaxed in that moment. I've never seen her like that before. It wasn't the Misato that took care of Shinji and I. She almost seemed like another person. I'm still trying to stop thinking about it.
Maybe one day I'll be able to protect him, but not now. Until then, I suppose. I love you, Shinji.
- Asuka Langley Soryu
August 8th
I started this journal because I wanted to remember things. I'm not as sure about that now.
Maybe everyone should just stay away from me. I only end up hurting them. Like Asuka - I want to make her happy, but I only end up making her cry. She could never be happy with someone like that. The Devil has no companions. Maybe that's what I am: The Devil. Someone who can only hurt others. But I don't want to hurt them. If my existence can only cause pain, maybe the best thing is to not exist. I'm sorry, Asuka. I tried.
- Shinji Ikari
He put his pen down and stood up. "It's time," he quietly said to himself. He walked into his mother's bedroom and opened her bottom dresser drawer. Then reached toward the back and lifted up a handfull of socks. Its hard surface felt cold on the tips of his fingers. He closed his hand around it an pulled it out. He held it up to the window, tilting it side to side as he mesmerized himself with the moonlight's shimmer along the barrel. He checked the magazine. It was full. He slowly walked back to his room and layed down on the bed. He gently closed his eyes as he wrapped his lips around the barrel.
'I don't want mom to have to clean this up,' he thought. He placed a pillow behind his head and layed back down. "Goodbye, Asuka..." He slid the gun back in his mouth. Shinji closed his eyes tightly and squeezed.
He pulled the gun back out. He was nearly hyperventilating. A bead of sweat trickled from his forehead down his cheek. "Oh God," he panted. "The safety..." He pushed the small lever up and bit onto the barrel again. He began to squeeze slowly as he clenched his eyes shut.
He loosened his grip and the gun dropped to his chest. "I can't do it," he sobbed. He sat up, letting the gun fall to the floor. "I just can't do it." He layed his face in his hands. "I don't even have the balls to take the coward's way out!" He sprang up and screamed as he drove his hand through the far wall.
Then the phone rang. He pulled his hand out and walked out into the short hallway. It rang again. He slowly walked across the kitchen towards the screaming object. A third ring. "Hello?" He said it cheerfully, as if the last few moments never happened.
"Shinji..."
"Ayanami?!" He shrieked. "You're alive! Where are you?" It felt like his heart was in his throat.
"Help me, Shinji..." Her voice sounded weaker than usual.
"Where are you? I can't help if I don't know what's wrong!"
"There isn't much time." He could hear people shouting in the background.
"Tell me where you are!" He cried desperately.
"I can't. You know where..."
"Get her! Hurry, before she hangs up!" He heard men yelling.
"Who's that? What's going on?"
"Don't answer when it rings." Click.
"Rei!" She was gone. He hung the phone up and leaned against the wall. It immediately rang. He instinctively reached for it, but stopped. It rang again. A third time. A fourth. Then it hit him. 'The answering machine!' He immediately ripped the phone off the wall, pulling the cord out with it.
'Shinji?' A voice echoed in his head.
'Asuka? Is that you?'
'Why didn't you do it? All you had to do was squeeze.'
'I couldn't do it.'
'Why not? Did you break your finger or something?'
'Now you're against me, too...'
'I'm not against you.'
'Yes you are! Everyone's against me. They just pretend to like me when they need me to help them. There's no point in living in a world where you're nothing more than a toy for others.'
'I don't pretend.'
'Yes you do! You were pretending that night you kissed me.'
'You're wrong.'
'Then why are acting like you wanted me to do it?!'
'I just want you to be happy... whether you're alive or not.'
'What's that supposed to mean?'
'Why did you hit her, Shinji?'
'... I don't know.'
'Why did you hit her?'
'Because she hit you.'
'So you were defending me?'
'I guess so.'
'Or were you defending yourself?'
'Defending... myself?'
'Maybe that was your way of telling her that you weren't going to do it.'
'That doesn't make any sense!'
'You won't take orders from anyone now - even Misato.'
'Whoever that was, it wasn't Misato. There's no way she's the same person.'
'There you go again, saying that you know people! You're so stupid! You have no idea what goes on in her head.'
'You're right. Nothing's changed. Everything's the same as it used to be.'
'I thought that this is what you wanted.' Now it was Rei's voice.
'What are you talking about? This IS what I wanted.'
'Then why aren't you happy?'
'What's there to be happy about?!'
'But why wish for a world that only brings you sorrow?'
'Because this is how the world is supposed to be.'
'Are you supposed to be unhappy?'
'The world is supposed to have people.'
'Do people make you unhappy?'
'Sometimes.'
'Would you rather live in a world without people?'
'Of course not!'
'But if you live amongst things that make you unhappy, you must learn to be content being unhappy.'
'Maybe... I already am.'
Beep. He turned his head to the door. Beep. He stood up at and walked toward his room. He was not in the mood for company. Beep.
"Shinji, are you in there?"
"Asuka?" He called out, surprised.
"Yeah. I, uh..." she paused. "I lost my key." He could imagine her smiling nervously behind the door. A small smile unknowingly escaped his lips as he pictured it.
"I'll be right there." He was halfway to the door when it him: the gun. He quickly darted to his room and retrieved it. Then he dashed across the hall to his mother's room, and, after clicking the saftey on, tossed it in the back of the drawer and closed it. He then hurried back to the kitchen and unlocked the door. Asuka stared at him as he stood in front of her, panting.
"Have to hide your porn collection first?" She smiled.
"What? Of course not! I don't even have a porn collection," he said defensively.
"Uh huh, that's what they all say." She said sarcastically. "It's okay, I understand that guys have... needs. Even if they ARE completely ed needs." She smiled wider as she took off her shoes and walked past him. He opened his mouth to deny it again, but closed it without saying anything.
'I guess that's better than the real explanation, anyway,' he thought.
"So, what's there to eat around here?" Shinji turned around to see Asuka searching through his cupboards.
"You've been here so much that you don't even act like a guest anymore." He smiled at her.
"You have a problem with that?" She asked as she closed one door and opened another.
"Not at all." He walked over to join in her search. 'It's strange how just looking at her always makes me smile,' he thought to himself. He watched her as she stretched up to reach something. 'No, it's not strange at all.'
"You gonna stand there ogling me or are you going to help me out?" She'd now moved on to jumping to get whatever it was she was after. She felt something tap her on the shoulder and stopped jumping. She turned around as Shinji presented her with a footstool. "That's better." She took the stool from him and set it on the floor. As she bent down, something caught her attention. She turned her head toward the phone lying on the floor, with bits of drywall around the base and a frayed cord twisted around it.
"You have a gremlin problem?" Asuka asked sarcastically. "Or do I need to sign you up for anger management?" Shinji stared at her, confused. "The phone, stupid." She pointed to the mangled device a few feet away.
"Rei!" he cried suddenly. 'How could I have fogotten already?'
"Huh?" Asuka stood back up and turned to face him. The faint smiled disappeared from her lips. "Shinji..."
"Asuka, Rei's alive! She just called me a few minutes before you came. It sounded like she was in trouble." He grabbed her shoulders. "Asuka, we have to..." He paused as Asuka turned away. Tears were beginning to collect in her eyes.
"Shinji, you were just hearing voices again," her voice cracked slightly. "Misato said..."
"I know what Misato said!" A tear streamed out of her eye as she cringed at his sudden outburst. "She must have been lying. Rei's alive - I was just talking to her!"
"Stop it!" she cried. "Just stop it! It's hard enough without all of your dellusions!" She wrenched herself free of him and bolted out the door, slamming it behind her. Shinji hung his head.
"No matter what, I always make her cry. Maybe I should just stay away from her for a while." He stared at the floor as he spoke. "But... not chasing her would be the same as running away." He walked to the door and slipped on his shoes, then picked up Asuka's. He took a deep breath and slid the door open.
And there she was: standing just ahead of him - arms folded across the railing and staring up at the moon. "I didn't expect you to follow me," she said quietly. He began to slowly slide the door closed. "Wait." He froze. "I'm sorry, Shinji, I'm just burnt out," she sighed. "A lot's happened. Too much. It's not that I don't believe you, I..." She stopped as a hand rested on her shoulder. She smiled as she reached up and layed her hand on his. "If Rei's alive, we'll find her. And if she is, we'll find out why Misato lied." She wrapped her hand around his. "You know why I never mentioned anything about that night I kissed you? It's kind of silly, really," she chuckled. "I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to protect you like I wanted to. Plus, I didn't think you even remembered it. But, you don't need me to protect you. You need to learn to protect yourself first, you little wimp." She paused. "I love you, Shinji." His hand slid off her shoulder. She turned around to face him.
"You, uh... forgot your shoes," he said nervously as he held them up for her to see.
"You're such an idiot," she smiled as she stretched up and gave him a peck on the lips. She took her shoes from him and slipped them on. Shinji simply stood there, staring at her. She raised her eyes and gazed into his. "Are you gonna move?"
"Huh?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I'm still hungry, you know."
"Oh." He turned around and Asuka followed him back inside "Why don't you ever eat at your own house?"
"Because I can eat here," she smiled.
--------------------------
"It seems that he hasn't quite warmed up to you the way we had hoped, Captain Katsuragi - if that's even how you should be referred to."
"Yes. If the boy does not trust you, our plan will never work."
"Everything depends on it!"
"You worry too much. I'll have him eating out of my hand soon enough."
"You'd better start making some progress soon... or it will be someone else's turn to try."
"This committee does not tolerate failure!"
"R-right. You can count on me."
"Of course we can. Because you know what will happen if you cannot fulfill your duties."
"Yes, I understand."
"We will expect good news at our next meeting."
"Do not let us down again."
"Also, if you are able to locate the first child, we may show you a leniency for future shortcomings."
"Understood. Until then, gentlemen."