An Azumanga Christmas Carol

Chapter 1b

"Do you really think we should do this?" a young girl with long dark brown hair asked to her taller partner in auburn and frames.

"Well, it's part of our duty as citizens to request donations from those whose hearts are willing to do so," she replied. "And this was all your idea to have us do this, Tomo Takino."

"You wanted to do it, too, right, Miss Former Tearful Little Diet Girl?"

Koyomi Mizuhara's glasses glinted like white brimstones under fire. "Tomo, one more peep out of you and I'll…"

"There's another brat," Yukari tersely muttered under her breath. "My clerk, with 1500 yen a day, and a husband and kids (or is it a wife? Ugh.), talking about a Meri Kurisumasu. Hmph, I'll retire to Kokomo."

She was still busy reading "Katsuyato!" when the two young ladies, dressed in brown frocks and black fedora hats stepped inside. "Oi, what do you want?"

"We represent the Royal Society of St. George, Tokyo branch," Koyomi replied. "Tanizaki and Kimura's office, I presume. Have I the pleasure of addressing Miss Tanizaki or Mr. Kimura?"

"Well, good afternoon to you two. Mr. Kimura, if you remember, died six years ago, this very day."

"I see."

"We have no doubt his perversion is well represented by his surviving partner," Tomo said gleefully. "Ouch!" She received a thick, tall bump in the head from her partner in this endeavor.

"Tomo, you know better than to say that."

"Shut up, Yomi!"

Yukari smirked a little bit. She knew these two ladies a bit, when they were students. And here they were, wasting their time, working for some charity she deemed meaningless to the bigger problem in her eyes, mind, and heart.

"Anyway," Koyomi continued, chokeholding Tomo, taking up a pen at the same time "At this time of the year, it is of the best interests of our organization that we should accommodate to the needs of those who are homeless, those who are unemployed, and those who are in desperate need. There are millions of people all over Japan who do not share the same standards of living as we are, Miss Tanizaki, and we would appreciate your assistance."

"Are there no sweatshops?" asked Yukari.

"Plenty of them," Koyomi said, letting go of Tomo.

"And the nightclubs and brothels," she asked again, "are they still in operation?"

"Indeed," Tomo replied, gaining some oxygen back. "I wish they weren't, though." Koyomi glinted back at her.

"The Homeless and Destitute Laws are off and running, then?"

"Both, yes," said Koyomi.

"Good."

"Because there is no hope and faith that they will succeed in mind, body or spirit, we are endeavoring to raise an annual charity fund to help accommodate these people. What donation will I put you down for, Miss Tanizaki?"

Yukari made a zero with her fingers. "Zero."

"You would like to be anonymous?"

"I want you to leave me alone. That is my final answer. I do not make myself merry at a stupid holiday like this, and I can't afford to make those people you mention happy either. I only help to support those institutions I mentioned, and those who are badly off must follow their lead in those places."

"Those placed are why a lot of people commit suicide, Miss Tanizaki," Koyomi said tersely. "They cannot survive because they lack money, they lack hope, they lack faith…they lack everything."

"If they jump of bridges and buildings, that's their fault, and my blessing, because it helps make this damn country less crowded. Otherwise, I am not aware of that."

"But you are aware of that, right, Miss Tanizaki?"

"And I could give a rat's ass about that. It's enough for a woman to understand her own business-teaching meaningless information, and not to interfere while they are reading the latest edition of Bengeki Magazine. Goodbye, young ladies!"

"Well, that was a crappy effort from you, Yomi," Tomo teased. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Yomi stretched her friend's face and body as the two of them walked out of the school. Ironically, that would be the only time they would fail to receive a donation.

Evening began to fall on the Tokyo skyline. Men and women from all corners of Japan, from tropical Okinawa in the south, to subarctic Hokkaido in the north, looked amidst the stalls, boutiques, and malls to find the perfect presents for their spouses. Some of them were watching on TV. Others were sleeping in. Some were playing in the snow, and those in the mountains were building Frosty upon Frosty, and whizzing down the sloped of the Japanese Alps. It was a festive occasion, and a cold and refreshing one, too.

On assignment to spread good tidings, a small group of student carolers went from office to office in the school, singing Christmas carols. At last the small convocation reached Yukari's office. The group, cleared their throats, then went a little different, "Lu la lu la piano wa sekai no yumesa, kuro kara ni MERODII…"
Yukari, in a screeching rage of terror, chased the group out. "Get outta my office, you Orange-Lemon freaks!"
The snow began to pour down on the Tokyo streets like sugar on sweet bread from heaven. The children who saw this rolled around, played in it, even made some harmless bombs out of the white, powdery water substance.

"Welp, Miss Sakaki," said Yukari, closing the book and putting away in her disorganized shelf, "I suppose you would like to work tomorrow all day, yes?"

"I…suppose so," said Sakaki, "if you want."

"But, you don't think me as an idiot for pay you for no work, right?"

"It only happens once a year, and other occasions."

"Bull! You people are supposed to work during Christmas! Me included. I want you to be here early tomorrow to help me out in the office. You got it?"

She blushed, then said silently, "Yes, Miss Tanizaki."

It was also unusual for Yukari to have her car fixed, after wear and tear. Being a seasoned teacher of so many years resulted in so many benefits. She pondered a little bit about the fact that her car was in tip-top shape for once. Home she went, without any problems. A rarity, but perhaps a serendipity, for such a wild, angry woman like Yukari.
As she went inside, she treated herself to a TV dinner bought 4 days ago at a local convenient store. Coupled with a can of Kirin Draft in a huge stash in her refrigerator, it was the perfect opportunity to watch some entertainment shows.
The idols named were Yuki Kasunaga and Akari Ueda, and they were just starting out as the duo Pooftan. Their hit song on the charts was "Himitsu no Shine On," and it was performed before a full house on TV. Groaning, Yukari surfed. And surfed. And surfed. Weather. Three dramas. A bikini episode for the male sex pigs, and there were many of them. A rerun of Sailor Moon. This one she snuck a peek at for quite a bit
Yukari smirked a little bit. She worked with students who were talking about a blonde airhead that was a complete failure at all she did, and ended up making a big difference in her world, five times over. Yukari pondered her fantasy of being superhero, but her personality made Usagi Tsukino look like a civilized individual, with little hitches to spare.

A few hours later, she turned off the TV, dressed in her pink pajamas, and went to sleep, her mouth open. "Goawayyoufrigginsluggsanduhout…" she grumbled. Sometimes Yukari would involve herself in the most bizarre dreams ever. In one dream, she dreamt that she was this android that would speak languages only the people of planet Klingon would comprehend, though vaguely. Another vision saw her running down endless flights of stairs, only to see the stairs turn into a slide, which became her evil eye. The list of bizarre hallucination Yukari had in her life were so much, it was significant part of her character today.

But nothing would be more bizarre than what would unfold.

Knock-knock. "Go away you," she grumbled, covering the sheet over her. She had gotten a little chilly.

The rapping grew louder. KNOCK-KNOCK. "I said go away, dammit," she said. And then a creak on the door. "WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" she yelled, rising from her bed.

The TV turned on, and off, on, and off, as if to recognized, "Look's like Kimura's ghost. Uh oh. She's in for it now…"

Yukari paled, and shivered. She had never seen the likes of someone like this before. A ghost in the form of a familiar school teacher, dressed in a shirt, shorts, and slippers. He was dragging a long chain that had countless ero-ero magazines attached to it, and he looked very unclean, as if he had rolled in a mixture of talcum power and compost at the dump some number of miles from the city. His mouth was open, and he was wearing a thick pair of spectacles.

Yukari, still paling, said as slowly as ever, "What do you want?"

"A lot!" the ghost said. It sounded like…it was him.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Ask me who I was, beautiful."

"Beautiful!? God…" Yukari facefaulted a bit. "Who were you then? You look…sorta familiar…and dirty, too."

"In life I was you partner in teaching with Miss Kurosawa, Mr. Kimura."

"Oh God. Can you sit down?"

"Oh yes."

"Well? Do it."

Taking a seat from the living room, Mr. Kimura's ghost sat down, his mouth still wide open. He adjusted his spectacles, and fixated them on Yukari's big…

"They've gotten bigger. You look more beautiful now than I ever imagined." Perhaps the alcohol had enhanced them in a way.

"EHHHH!? Get out, you damn perverted ghost!" Hyperventilating, she pointed to the door that was still open, and was welcoming a fresh winter wind.

"Oh no, Yukari," Kimura's ghost said. "I won't. Because you don't believe in me."

"No," Yukari pouted, "Why should I?"

"Besides seeing me, and hearing me, what other evidence would you have that I am here, in front of you?"

"I'm…not sure."

"And why would you doubt you senses."

"Because, you know," Yukari said in a flash, "a little thing affects them. A glass of wine, a bottle of bear, three shots of vodka, an injection of jelly from my college days…" Giggling hesitantly, flailing, she said with a fake laugh, "There's more of dirty than of dirt about you, whoever the heck you are! Ahahahah, ahahaha!"

"You are very pathetic when it comes to jokes," the ghost said, face in his hand.

"And you, of all…things, to come on in here while I'm trying to get some sleep for tomorrow…Baka, I tell you, BAKA!"

Kimura's ghost let out a scream that shook the house, causes the trees to rustle, and even knocked a few telephone poles down. Even the neighborhood cats were cowering in fear at the wrath of this apparition.

"My god…what the hell are you doing, screaming at a time like this?" asked Yukari, on her knees, starting to shed a few tears.

"Woman and teacher of the drunken mind," Kimura's ghost boomed in a loud voice, "do you believe in me or not?"

Suddenly, out of normalcy, Yukari got on her feet and became calm in a second. It was so out of nature to be like Scrooge. Yukari was…Yukari, and it had to be that way. "Yeah, yeah, I do, Mr. Kimura. But why the heck are apparitions like you going around here? And why in the world are you coming to me?"

"This is what I have to do, since I am dead," Mr. Kimura said, "I could have lived longer, but woe is me to be like this toward you, my happiness, gone from me!" He raised another roar of agony.

"And," Yukari said, saking, "what are those chains and books you're wearing?"

"Oh this? This the chain I forged in life. Made link by link, yard by yard, book by book. Does this look weird to you, Yukari Tanizaki?"

She shook her head from side to side. "No, except that those book are…" She couldn't find the words, but managed to get out of her mouth, "material that would be offensive to my students."

"But your chain, it is large and heavy too. You have worked on this too, Yukari."

"My chain?" Yukari was on her knees. She didn't want to carry around a chain the weight of a two-ton pickup truck, perhaps even heavier. "Mr. Kimura, please, say this isn't so. Please!"

"I have none to give, Yukari, it comes from things beyond my control. You see, it my life, my spirit never wandered beyond the classrooms. In my life, my spirits never wandered beyond narrow limits of this important thing in out lives we called education, and that we have taken for granted, especially you!"

Yukari got up, and looked at him. "Six years dead…traveling all the time?"

"Oh yes, Yukari. No rest, no peace, nothing but remorse and retribution."

"You move very quickly, Mr. Kimura,"

"I can go around the world in less than a minute."

"You must have made Jules Verne very jealous." The spirit raise another scream, Yukari paled, with a sweatdrop on her head. "Was that…a bad joke?"

"That was a very bad joke! And a mockery to literature, even!"

"I was just trying to say…that you were a very good man of business, Mr. Kimura," Yukari said, with a hesitant laugh again.

"Business!?" Kimura said. "Education was my business. My love wife was my business. Swimsuits, pool water, adult magazines….HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS were my business!"

The specter began to cry, on its knees. "There, there now," Yukari said, laying a comforting hand to her fallen friend. She was surprised she could touch it, instead of her hand going through. "We still remember you as one of the most…weirdest teachers in your day, I guess."

The ghost whipped the beckoning hand, and in a cold voice said, "Do not touch me, you fool."

"What the hell? I was trying to cheer you up!"

"My time is almost finished here."
"What…are you saying?" Yukari began to pale a bit again.

"I am here tonight to warn you, that you have a chance of escaping my fate, and I hope you take my advice, Yukari."

"You were a good (though weird) friend to me," Yukari said. "Thank you!"

Slightly nodding as if to suggest she met him close to halfway, Kimura's ghost said, "You will be haunted by Three Spirits."

Yukari shivered again. How many times she had shivered were too many to count tonight. The cold air had something to do with it. "Is this what you are talking about, me escaping your fate?" Yukari said.

"Yes."

"But I don't want to lose any more sleep than I am losing right now!"

"Well, Yukari, you have to do this, so that you won't have to be like me."

With a gruff, Yukari said, "Whatever."

"Expect the first Spirit to come when the clock tolls one."

"Can't I just have them all come to me at once, and have it over with, Mr. Kimura?"

"No."

She rolled her eyes. "Aw, crud."

"Expect the second when bell tolls Two. The third one will come at his own convenience. I will see you hopefully far from now, and I hope you remember what has happened tonight. With a glint, and a smile, he said, "Bye, beautiful." He closed the door, and wandered off into the air, into nothing.

Yukari fell onto her knees, hyperventilating. "Damn that Kimura…ghost or no ghost, he is one crazy person." She fell flat on the floor, and was so exhausted from what happened, she fell asleep again.

Of course, there was one person in the whole world crazier than Mr. Kimura. And Yukari was the only one in the world oblivious to recognizing who that person was.