Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Pothead, Harry Potter, any characters from South Park, or any quotes from Pokemon, Yu-gi-Oh, Digimon, or Duel Monsters—whatever show that quote came from.

Beware: I was really bored, but I had fun changing their names. You'll probably find it as annoying as hell.

Also, just as a little note, I'm sorry for posting this on Christmas. I had actually had the first chapter posted at around eight or ten last night, but then I removed the story because of a littlechapter-order confusion, and went to bed.

I. The Boy Who Lived To Die

Once upon a time there was a lovely boy named Harry Pothead. That wasn't really his name, but everyone at school called himit because he didn't exactly fit in with the crowd. You see, Harry Pothead was a very special boy, but we'll get to that later. Anyway, none of his classmates liked him because he looked like a dopey hero and had a hot temper. To make matters worse, he wore glasses upon his face while everyone else was gifted with laser eye surgery. To make matters worse, he had a big red nose that glowed in the dark.

At the time that this incident occurred, Harry was a cheerful, good-natured boy of eleven with thick, messy dark hair, sparkling green eyes, a goatee, and a humble, starved look on his face. He lived with his aunt and uncle who really were evil, and his cousin, Shmuckley, who was a fat model for men's clothing. Shmuckley was not actually his real name, though (His real name is too horrible to say; poor kid); it was a nickname that he hated, so everyone called him Dudley or a variation of that, to make him happy.

One day, on Harry's eleventh birthday, Harry was being especially annoying. He was skipping around the house singing, "It's my birthday, it's my birthday, I'm a happy birthday elf." The Dursleys were scared that Harry would reveal their evil plan, so they decided it was time they got rid of him.

After they had him quieted down, Mr. And Mrs. Dursley proceeded to tell their nephew a very evil lie. "Harry, we've received a magical invitation from a land of wizards and dragons," Mrs. Dursley said, sounding like one of the narrators from Harry's role-playing games.

Harry rolled his eyes. "This better be better than Disney Land," he said sarcastically. "If the bad guy's another evil storm, I'll bloody kill myself and take you all with me."

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Petunia tittered nervously. She handed him the flyer, which read:

Hogwarts Happy Land O' Fun

Dear Mr. Potter,

We have specifically selected you to study at our fine school, among some of the finest witches and wizards of our age. At this most amazing institution you will learn the skills necessary to transform yourself into a witch or a wizard, depending upon your gender. The classes include: Magical Maths, Magical Algebra, Magical Reading, History of Magic, Magical Dress-up, Magical Gym, Magical Science, Magical Citizenship, and Magical Grammar. We hope you will comply, as our school is the best school in the country. See you there!

Yours Sincerely, Albus Dumbasswhore (Actually, since I like this character, we'll keep his name Dumbledore.)

"Well?" Petunia asked excitedly, eying her nephew across the table for a hint of approval. "What do you think of that? I had a cousin who went to Hogwarts Happy Land O' Fun, and she said it's the best place in the world! All you have to do is pretend you're a wizard."

Unfortunately, she didn't get the happy approval she was looking for.

"THAT is to be my birthday present this year? I'm entering into manhood! I even have a beard to prove it, and you can still only conceive of to take me on babyish excursions!"

Then he began to whine. "How come DUDLEY gets to go to COOL places like the zoo on his birthday? I'm a hopeless oooooorpan. Nobody loves meeeeeeee!" And with that, he broke down sobbing.

"Don't worry, I have a plan B," Vernon whispered to his wife.

Suddenly, a giant hairy man entered the room.

"It's Big Gay Al!" Dudley exclaimed gaily.

"No, Udders, that's just Fagird…….uh, Hagrid. He's a homeless drunk your daddy hired for Harry's birthday," Petunia whispered to Dudley.

"Oh, I didn't know Harry got into that thing," Dudley whispered back, rather loudly. "Can you do any tricks?" he asked the birthday-entertainer as he began to dig into Harry's trough of food.

Meanwhile, Hagrid was offended.

"Listen, I don't know who this Big Gay Al is, but I haven't heard of him in the book, which probably means you've taken him from some other form of media."

He then threw Dudey into a wall and, taking out his magic stapler, stapled Dudley's ass to the back of a pig.

"He's definitely going to need plastic surgery to correct that error! HA HA. You're a wizard Harry, I'm taking you to Hogwarts! You're coming with me! We're going to the castle in the sky! Blah, blah, blah." These were all words that came out of Hagrid's mouth.

"And what if I decide not to go?" Harry asked defiantly, being his annoying, defiant self.

"Then I'll kill you with my magic stapler. You'll be in the plastic surgery ward next to Udders here. HO HO HO!"

He laughed jovially, like Santa Claus. Or maybe it wasn't jovially so much as maniacally. I don't know. (I'm in the the Christmas spirit.)

"MAGIC STAPLER? That's just a regular stapler," Harry snorted. He ran upstairs to Uncle Vernon's office and took the stapler off the desk.

"PREPARE TO DUEL!" Harry shouted, running toward Hagrid and brandishing his tool (clean version of "tool".)

Meanwhile, Petunia was staring in horror at her wailing son. "Hagrid, perhaps you'd better leave now," she said quietly.

"Ok, come along now, Harry."

"I'm not going with you!" Harry shouted. (As usual,; he's always shouting.) "I'd rather die!"

"All righty then, we'll be leaving now." Hagrid said. He scooped up Harry in his arms and proceeded to hit him over the head repeatedly with a cinder block. "You're a wizard, Harry," he said for the second time.

"Ok," Harry said, drooling.

"And if you decide you don't want to be a wizard; that you'd rather be a stupid Muggle instead, I'll come to your school and kill you personally. "

Harry, by now, was quite brain-dead and was preoccupied watching the pretty stars, so he didn't hear this last comment as clearly as he should have.

"Now he really is clinically insane," Hagrid said cheerfully to Vernon and Petunia. "I just hope they don't blame you fine folks for the beating."

"Thank you Hagrid," Petunia said, smiling charitably while trying to conceal a nervous twitch. She handed Hagrid a twenty-dollar bill. "I think you'd better be leaving now."

"Yup. See you around."

So Harry was kidnapped by a derelict and taken on a Magical Train Ride. By now he couldn't even begin to comprehend the amazing adventures that waited for him beyond Platform 93/4.

------------------------------------------------

"So, where does this train go?" Harry asked a sulky blonde boy after Hagrid had dumped him at the train station.

"To a Mental Institution in a different country," the blonde replied. "You didn't know that?"

"Mental institution? I thought we were going to a Magical……….uh………….Castle………….uh, Land of Fun."

"Yeah, a Magical Forest," the blonde said. He snickered to his cronies.

"Cool. Do you want to be my friends?" Harry asked the blonde and the blonde's cronies. His eyes became all glassy and starry, and he started drooling. (This was another reason he was called Harry "Pothead", because he'd had thisdisorder prior to the incident with the bricks.)

"Uh, no, I don't think so," the blonde said with disdain. "I'm only friends with cool people. Not losers. By the way, my name is Flako. Flako Mafoy." He shook hands with Harry, then left.

"Gee", Harry thought as he watched Flako walk away, "that boy wasn't very nice."

"Let's be worst enemies!" Harry shouted after him.

"Ok," Flako shouted back. "By the way, my mother's name is Jessica Simpson."

"Gee", there are lots of interesting people going to this school," Harry thought. "Maybe it will be fun like that swimming party of the Dursleys'."