II. The Grievance Continues

Harry boarded the Magical Train and began to have a flashback about the Dursley's swimming party.

It had been a hot day in July. There were a lot of hot dogs and it was very fun.

Then an orange-haired boy sat down next to him, drawing Harry out of his detailed reverie.

"Hi, I'm Ron," the orange-haired boy said. "Do you want to be my friend?"

"Yes. My name is Harry Pothead……….Uh, Potter………damnit!" Harry said, and they hit it off right away.

Some time later, a girl named Hermione Granger came up to them. "Hi, I'm Hermione Granger and I'm looking for Neville's toad. Has anyone seen him?" Hermione asked.

"No," Ron replied, gulping down the toad's leg that hung from the side of his mouth.

Hermione looked from Ron to Harry, then gasped.

"Ron! You ATE Neville's toad!"

"What?" Ron asked innocently, a look of confusion drawn over his face. "I thought they ate frog-legs in France. Toads are the same thing as frogs, aren't they? Except frogs live in water?"

"You're an inconsiderate jerk," Hermione yelled, then ran away.

"What's her problem?" Ron asked dismissively.

But Harry knew that Hermione was forgetting something.

'Hermione, aren't you forgetting something?" he called after her.

Hermione whirled around, "Yes, I forgot to tell you that you're a—Holy shit! What's that scar on your forehead! Oh my God! You're……..you're …………………that guy…………"

"What scar?" Harry asked. This world just kept getting weirder and weirder.

He looked into Ron's makeup mirror and located the scar in question.

"Oh, yeah. Hagrid hit me with a cinder block," he explained.

Hermione looked disappointed.

Just then Hagrid appeared to say hello to his friends. "Hullo Harry, hi Ron, heya Hermione."

"Hi Hagrid," they said in unison.

"How do you know our names?" Hermione asked.

Hagrid shrugged. "I don't know. Well, anyway kids, I'm the gamekeeper this year so it looks like we're in for another fun year at--Whoa, that's a nice scar you got there Harry. How did you get it? Oh, I know, Voldemort otherwise known as You Know Who gave it to you when you were just a little baby. Darn near killed ya, he did. It's a miracle you survived. Your parents died, though. God rest their poor souls. Mother gave up her life for you, she did. Oh wait—I shouldn'a told you that."

With that, he shambled away.

Harry was speechless.

Then Hermione screamed, "OH MY GOD IT'S THE BOY WHO LIVED," and a lot of onlookers came to gawk at poor Harry, who was trying desperately to hide his face behind his hands.

"Come on, Harry, will you quit with the sniveling act?" Hermione asked, exasperatedly. "You're probably enjoying it—you're enjoying the fame, I mean."

"No I will not!" Harry shrieked. "I have a horrible, pathetic life. You can't even begin to imagine the misery I'm in! I woke up today, hoping to have a fun birthday party, but then I was pummeled by a dear friend by the name of Hagrid. Now I'm being hounded by an evil maniac, who I don't know his name. I think it began with a V—or something, but I'm can't be sure because no one ever says it--"

"You just found out about the He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named thing five minutes ago," Hermione cut in. "You've never even met the guy except for when you were a baby!"

"I'm in SHOCK!" Harry screamed. "Why can't you understand?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You're probably glad for his attention, and you know it."

"I'm so misunderstood. Everyone misinterprets my feelings. Whenever I ask someone for a scrambled egg, they always give it to me hard-boiled! Last time I went to the store and asked the lady where they sold tampons, she looked at me funny. Everyone thinks Voldemort is my father! I can't buy a Christmas card without having it remind me of my horrible name! My parents are dead! The Dursleys are evil! Flako Malfoy hates my guts! My period is coming two weeks ahead of schedule! I look like Where's Waldo! AHHHHHHHHH!

"WOW. You ARE a special boy," Hermione said. The narrator was right about one thing. She at least got that part right.

"Yeah, yeah," Harry said. He was tired of being dramatic. All his fans found it boring

"Hey look, there's the school!" he exclaimed.

"The SCHOOL?" Hermione asked. She and Ron both exchanged looks, although they were used to this kind of thing, being on a bus headed to a mental-hospital.

"You mean you came here to get an EDUCATION?"

"No, I came here to have fun, silly!" (Someone's been watching too much South Park. The silly comment. You know.)

The three younglings looked skyward in awe at the amazing structure that was about to house them. Actually, it was only one story, but there were several guard-towers.

A deep indigo lake bordered the establishment. It was dotted here and there with corpses. Some of them wore decaying paper hats, which were magically glued to their heads.

"Those must be the people who jumped from the guard tower," Hermione said conversationally. "I read about them in Hogwarts: A History. And look, there's a guard floating by! Well, I've got to go! Duty calls." And with that she skittered off.

"What a bitch," Ron swore, after she had left.

"Got that right," Harry agreed.

After their carriages had come and ushered the first-years inside, a lady stood in the hallway and introduced herself as Mrs. McGonorrhea. (Once again, I like this character, so we'll only keep her name like this temporarily.)

"I have a disease which I'm seeing Madam Humpfree for Magical Treatment, but I should be back to normal in a week, so you can call me Professor McGonnagal after that. Now, I'm going to sort you children into groups. There are four groups in this school. Because I know some of you are going to be sad if you're separated from your friends, I made up a poem for each group to make you feel better, which will be recited by this computer-graphically animated hat."

All of the children "oohed" and "ahed" as the antropomorphic hat began to recite the poem.

Sniffledwarf is where all the idiots go

Your friends call you brave but you're just a stupid ho

The Ravenclaw kids are all gifted and smart

But despite all your talents, you're still a shallow tart.

Slytherins are evil as shit in a pail

But that's ok becuase they'll all end up in jail

"There was some other house, but I forget its name—Oh yeah, Hufflepuff. Those are the ones who sniff glue, but we don't care about them."

McGonnorhea looked around and noticed that some of the kids were crying. "I'm glad you appreciated my art," she said. "Look, Dumbledore, I've touched them to tears."

Harry was sorted into Sniffledwarf, along with Ron and Hermione.Flako made it into Slytherin.

As they were sitting at the table, Harry noticed that a man in a turban was dancing around like a butterfly and stuttering to himself.

"Who is that?" he asked Ron.

It was a boy named Semen who replied, in a conspiratorial whisper.

"That's Queer Squirrel. He's a patient, but we have to call him "professor" because he teaches one of the classes. No one knows how he got his name, but we think it has something to do with the fact that he's queer and collects nuts. Beware of him. He has multiple-personality disorder."

"Oh," Harry said as he finished his meal of moldy bread.

The next day went rather fun for Harry and his friends.

He got to see all of the wonderful classes the school had to offer, such as Lotions with Professor Rape (We remove all bad connotations from his name), Kung Fu with Professor Queer Squirrel, Magical Maths with Professor Something-or-Other, Transcendental Literature with Professor Flitwick, Magical Birth Control with Professor McGonorrhea, When Botany Goes Bad with the DARE officer, Flying Lessons with the Hufflepuffs, and Broom-Riding for some of the luckier students.

Only, a couple of things still reeked about this school. For instance, Harry had a not-so-good relationship with Professor Rape, after he'd refused to demonstrate the right way to oil himself. For that, Rape had taken off fifty points from Gryffindor.

There were other things wrong with the school too, but I'm just going to stop here as you're probably already dead by now or have left long ago or puked up your intestines. I'm sorry.