Christmas at Liquid's
By Chicken Fox
Chapter Two: Christmas Day
SCENE ONE: RAIDEN'S RENTAL CAR
Otacon: So, what do you think so far?
Raiden: Of what?
Otacon: Chicken Fox's Christmas special?
Raiden: Meh, it kinda sucks. Not as good as Solidus' Birthday Party.
Otacon: Oh, I agree.
(Long silence)
Otacon: So…
Raiden: You wanna make out?
Otacon: Not really. I'm not gay, you're married and your breath smells somewhat of rotten fish sticks.
Raiden: Oh.
Otacon: Wanna have hot, rampant sex?
Raiden: …Yeah, okay.
SCENE TWO: LIQUID'S HALLWAY
(All characters are dressed in smart dinner suits, with the exception of Fatman, who has taken to wearing a mumu.)
Fatman (jumping up and down): Ohmygodohmygod, they'll be here any minute!
Liquid: They should be here by now, it's almost 4:01! Solidus, why aren't they here?
Solidus: Uh… maybe they're stuck in traffic.
Fortune: Or maybe you're such a complete cunt that no one's bothering to turn up.
Fatman: Equally likely.
Liquid: Yeah, you're right guys. It's probably some circumstance beyond their control.
Solidus: Hey, where's Vamp? Don't tell me he's still shagged out.
Fortune: I wouldn't be surprised. Fatman's such a machine when he gets going.
(Doorbell rings)
Fatman: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!
Solidus: I'll get it.
(He answers the door. It is Sniper Wolf)
Liquid: Wolf! How good to see you! How's Elijah?
Sniper Wolf: I shot him with my gun.
Solidus: You shot your brother?
Wolf: We had a disagreement, which turned into a falling out, which turned into a sniper battle. Luckily, my skin appears to be made out of some form of Kevlar, as I can get shot about seven times in the chest without dying, so I kicked his ass.
Liquid: …Well, good to see you. Here's your present (hands her a small, wrapped box)
Wolf (unwrapping): Hmm. PSG-1 shells. How original. I think I'll kill the next person who gets me these. (She begins to load them into her PSG-1) What did the rest of you get me?
(Everyone else hides their similar-sized boxes behind their backs)
Fortune: Uh, Wolf, I haven't got you anything yet 'cos… well, you know what Christmas shopping is like this time of year.
Solidus: Yeah, same problem here.
Fatman: I got ya something! (Hands her a badly wrapped box, identical in size to Liquid's present)
Fortune: Oh, God…
Wolf: (opens it… I'll leave what's inside up to your imaginations) …This has been used, hasn't it.
Fatman: Only once! How did you know?
Wolf: The fishy smell.
Fatman: Well… Happy Christmas, anyway!
Wolf: (cocks rifle) Get running, Fatty.
Fatman: Uh… I'm going to the Off-Licence. Anyone want anything?
Fortune: Actually, I really feel like some cashew…
Fatman: Gotta go! (Waddles out the door as fast as possible)
Fortune: …nuts.
Wolf: The hunt is on. (Cocks rifle… again.)
Solidus: Uh, say, Wolf… Why not have a sit down, yeah? I'll get you some coffee, aspirins, Prozac… whatever you need.
Wolf: Well… I am manically depressed…
Liquid: So it's settled then.
(Ding-dong! Who could it be?)
Liquid: Ooh, that'll be Master Chief.
All: Master Chief!?
Liquid: Yeah. What's the problem?
Fortune: Well… it's just… he's not from Metal Gear, is he?
Solidus: Thank you, Captain Obvious. Liquid has probably invited him as part of a rich tapestry of death which will no doubt result in a final, fatal victory for we evildoers against our common foe!
Liquid: Whatever. (opens door)
Master Chief: Sorry I'm late, the traffic was terrible, plus I think you're an absolute cun…
(Romantic music. Master Chief has laid eyes… or visor, whatever… on Sniper Wolf. They exchange evocative glances, unable to take their eyes off each other. Visor, whatever.)
Master Chief: Liquid… Who is this fine pair of…uh, eyes?
Liquid: Oh, Chief, meet Wolf. Wolf, Chief. Wolf helped me take over Shadow Moses and co-starred in shitloads of poor-ass shouen-ai fanfictions with me. Chief and I met at the E3 gameshow in Los Angeles a few years back.
Wolf: You left out his beautiful dress sense… and gorgeous inventory of futuristic weapons.
(Try to imagine that last statement being said as seductively and erotically as possible.)
SCENE THREE: THE DINNER TABLE
(Everyone is sitting comfortably. With the exception of Snake, who is eyeing Bill Gates suspiciously.)
Solidus: So, Bill… you're into World Domination, huh?
Bill Gates: Yeah. I'd be further along, of course, but the US Government is still trying to break my company up.
Solidus: Oh, don't get me started on the Government!
Bill Gates: You've had troubles with them too?
Raiden: No, really. Don't get him started. He'll go on for hours.
Liquid: More wine, anybody?
Solidus: Any vodka?
Liquid: I think there's some out back. Could you fetch it, Fatman?
Fatman: Well, I'd be a hypocrite if I said I didn't need the exercise!
(Pauses for laughter. None comes)
Fatman: Be back in five. (leaves)
Raiden: So, Meryl. Snake tells me you're a woman.
Snake: You bring the mace, Meryl?
Meryl: It's in my purse.
Snake: Best Christmas present ever, that one. Sorry, Raiden. Continue.
Raiden: I…uh, forgot what I was going to say.
Snake: Excellent.
Master Chief: Could you pass the turkey, boss?
Bill Gates: Sure, Chief.
Snake: That reminds me. Where's Dad?
Liquid: Oh… he said he was busy. They're making some sort of biopic videogame of him.
Snake: Oh, okay. Speaking of videogames, I'm still waiting for Hideo to call me about making Metal Gear Solid 3. I mean, next they'll be telling me I'm not the star!
(Beat)
Vamp: Pass the cranberry sauce.
Psycho Mantis: Certainly.
(The sauce levitates itself over to Vamp, who smears it on his food)
Vamp: Thank you.
Otacon: Oh, by the way Vamp, Emma sends her love.
Vamp: Heh, that little scamp. She still got all that O positive blood?
Otacon: Uh… I think so.
Vamp: Maybe I'll see her for New Years.
Wolf (erotically): So, Master Chief. Ever held a PSG-1 before?
Master Chief: No, actually. My Sainted Grandmother had one, but I'm from a future where people can only carry one weapon at a time, and I like laser guns.
Wolf: Mmmmmm.
Snake: One weapon at a time? That's crazy Liberalist talk.
Solidus: Fatman's been gone a while.
Liquid: Yes… I hope he doesn't mess up my plans.
SCENE FOUR: LIQUID'S GARAGE
(Fatman is looking through crates of Napoleon Brandy)
Fatman: So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's havin' fun…
SCENE FIVE: LIQUID'S BACK YARD
(A dark figure moves towards the garage. Fatman's singing carries through the snowy air)
Fatman (faint): Look, to the future now, it's only just beguu-uuhn-uhhn.
(The figure moves ever closer. We see only his back and his right hand, in which a gun is spinning impressively. The figure cocks the gun, and raises it as he enters the garage)
SCENE SIX: THE GARAGE
Fatman: Christmas time, down at the something… Christmas tiiime, duh duh duh duh duh…
Evil Gravely Voice #1: So. Thought you'd forget all about me, eh? Where was my invitation!?
Fatman: Gasp! It cannot be…!
Evil Gravely Voice #1: Oh, but it is!
(beat)
Evil Gravely Voice #1: …Did you say "gasp"?
Fatman: No… I think I just gasped it.
Evil Gravely Voice #1: No, you definitely said it. The Author didn't put brackets around it.
Fatman: Maybe he just forgot.
Evil Gravely Voice #1: No, I definitely think… argh, this is stupid. Where were we?
Fatman: Uh…. It cannot be!
Evil Gravely Voice #1: Oh, but it is!
Fatman: Surely not… Evil Gravely Voice #1!!??
Evil Gravely Voice #1: … I suppose I should be grateful you didn't give away my identity. But you're a fucking idiot anyway.
(The dark figure pistol-whips Fatman into unconsciousness)
SCENE SEVEN: THE DINNER TABLE
Vulcan Raven: So I says, hey buddy, your granny was like that when we got here!
All: (laughter)
Liquid: Where's Fatman? He needs to do the pudding.
Fortune: Probably getting smashed off whatever's in your garage.
Liquid: Ah, very well.
Meryl: Perhaps someone should check on him?
Solidus: Thank you for volunteering.
Meryl: Why don't you go? You're the hardest boss around.
Solidus: I don't want to spend more time with Fatman than I do already. Dealing with him drunk is one of life's pleasures I could do without.
Meryl: But something could be wrong! He could be in danger!
Otacon: It's Christmas. Even bad guys take the day off on the 25th December.
Bill Gates: It's true.
Meryl: What about Muslim villains?
Wolf: I'm here.
Meryl: Aliens, then.
Master Chief: She's right. The Covenant don't celebrate anything except the death and destruction of others. And Valentine's Day.
Vamp: Yes, something could've abducted Fatman.
Mei Ling: Yeah, you better go check it out, Meryl.
Meryl: Grrrrr! This is like every bad horror movie ever! Something's wrong, so the girl checks it out!
Liquid: You're right.
Meryl: Thank you.
Liquid: Mei Ling should go instead.
Mei Ling: Me? But I don't even have combat training!
Snake: Olga, then.
Otacon: Or Raiden.
Olga: I elect Fortune.
Fortune: Oh, great. Not only send the girl to get killed, but the black girl. Stereotypical horror flick.
Liquid: This isn't a horror flick! It's just Christmas dinner, and the guy no one wants around is gone! What's the big problem? Can't we just have dinner on Christmas Day without listening to conspiracy theories?
Solidus: It's the Patriots! They've made us think this way!
Liquid: (sighs)
20 MINUTES LATER…
Solidus: So, we're agreed. Fatman has been kidnapped by The Covenant, who are in league with the Grinch, both of whom are being controlled by the Patriots, one of the members of which is Doctor Seuss, in a fiendish plot to eliminate Christmas Pudding forever.
Raiden: Don't forget Dan Ackroyd.
Solidus: …And we're sending Fortune and Raven to investigate. Any objections?
Liquid: This is stupid.
Otacon: Sacrifice him!
(beat)
Liquid: Seriously, doesn't anyone just want to sit down and have cake?
Fortune: No way. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And I gotta do it with him. Let's go, Raven. (leaves)
Snake: Hey, is It's A Wonderful Life on? I love that film.
SCENE EIGHT: LIQUID'S GARAGE
(Fatman is strapped to an electric torture device)
Evil Gravely Voice #1: They should be here to rescue you by now. What's going on?
Fatman: I wish Santa was here.
Evil Gravely Voice #2: Shut up! (flicks machine on)
Fatman: ARRRGH!!! That tickles!
SCENE NINE: LIQUID'S BACK YARD
Vulcan Raven: Okay, what's the plan?
Fortune: We sneak up, assess the situation, and try to sneak away. Then, you'll knock over a trash can, therefore alerting the bad guy, who'll then knock you out with the butt of his revolver. I'll run, fall, and break my leg, and the scene will jump to the next hapless victims.
Vulcan Raven: Okay. So long as I know we're not acting out anything predictable or clichéd.
Fortune: Ready?
Vulcan Raven: Wait, did you say "revolver"?
Fortune: Yeah, why?
Vulcan Raven: Nothing. Just thought I'd ruin the ending for anyone with half a brain.
Fortune: Okay, let's go.
SIX AND A HALF MINUTES LATER…
Fortune: Argh! My leg! Help me, Raven!
Evil Gravely Voice #1: He can't help you now! In fact, no one can! Muhahahahaha!!!
SCENE TEN: THE WHITE HOUSE
Jim Houseman: Wait… we're the next hapless victims? He's gonna blow up the White House?
Evil Gravely Voice #1: No, I just thought I'd add a bit of unpredictability to the mix.
President Johnson: Ahh, okay.
SCENE ELEVEN: LIQUID'S LIVING ROOM
TV: Get outta here, Burt, or I'll hit you again…
Mei Ling: I'm gonna go get my share of pudding. See ya in a bit.
Otacon: (whispers) Snake, Fortune and Raven have been gone awhile.
Snake: It's okay. We have to wait for Liquid to make his move, then POW! We'll take him down.
Otacon: Uhm… Are you sure Liquid's our enemy? That was one hell of a Christmas Dinner.
Snake: Of course. He keeps going on about his "plans", and we all know Liquid.
Otacon: But…
Snake: Quiet, you're making me miss the ending.
Liquid: Everything all right over there?
Otacon: Oh, sure. Never better.
Snake: Fortune and Raven have been gone awhile. Maybe somebody else should check on them.
Solidus: Hey, Liquid… Isn't there someone we forgot to invite?
Liquid: What do you mean?
Solidus: I can't help thinking that we forgot someone.
Liquid: Well, you invited all of Dead Cell, right?
Solidus: Yeah, and you invited all of Fox-Hound, right?
Liquid: Yeap. Me, Vulcan Raven, Sniper Wolf, Psycho Mantis… Hell, even Metal Gear REX. That's everyone. Except…
(An explosion rips through the living room wall, sending the TV and couches flying)
Snake: Damn.
Evil Gravely Voice #1: I got tired of waiting. I'm going to kill you all, right here, right now.
Solidus: (cough) Who are you?
(The smoke gradually clears)
Evil Gravely Voice #1: I am Shalashaska. Also called, Revolver…
Snake & Evil Gravely Voice #1: …Ocelot!
Solidus: Hey, Ocelot. I haven't seen you since the time you screwed us all over and left us to die on Arsenal Gear.
Meryl: And I haven't seen you since you kidnapped and raped me.
Liquid: And I haven't seen you since you had my arm surgically grafted onto your body.
Olga: And I haven't seen you since you killed my dad.
Snake: And I haven't seen you since you took pictures of me on the Tanker and made me an international terrorist.
Master Chief: I haven't seen you since when you cheated to beat me on Halo.
Wolf: (gasp!) How evil!
Master Chief: I know.
Ocelot: Yes, it's good to see you all too. But what I want to know is… why didn't I get an invitation!?
Liquid: You mean, apart from all the above?
Ocelot: Yes, yes, apart from all that.
Liquid: Well, for once, I just wanted to have a nice normal Christmas Dinner. Y'know, the sort that real, non-dysfunctional families and friends enjoy. That was my big plan. I know, my family consists of two clone brothers who hate me and a father who never had time for me, but for once in my short life I wanted everyone to get together in my house on this most holy of days and exchange gifts and enjoy each other's company without killing each other or attempting to start wars. I was even prepared to suffer my insufferable twin Snake, who still thinks I've got some sort of evil scheme planned and thinks he's being subtle by whispering loudly and tucking his USP into his underwear, just to have all the Metal Gear crew together for a nice dinner.
Ocelot: So… why not me?
Liquid: Because you always get drunk and wander around with no pants on.
Otacon: That (sob)… was so beautiful! (cries on Raiden's shoulder)
Raiden: There there.
Snake: Man… I feel like a real jerk.
Ocelot: Be that as it may, I'm still going to kill all of you. Because you all forgot about me. Nobody even mentioned me in this fic, 'til now. Do you know what people who are alone and forgotten at Christmas do? They hang themselves!
All: (gasp!)
Ocelot: I suppose people like me can't get invited to parties or buy pants with belts on in this world. I guess I'm the little lost puppy who never…
Solidus: Wait, wait, wait. We've just had the long, sobering Christmas speech from Liquid. This is supposed to be a comedy/action/adventure fanfic, so let's just battle and get killing you over with. (snaps tentacles threateningly)
Ocelot: I think not! (pulls out a curious handle detonator) The Christmas Pudding is loaded with enough SEMTEX to blow you all to hell, at the touch of this button!
Raiden: But we ate that already!
Ocelot: Exactly!
Otacon: My God, it's so calculated!
Meryl: Snake, what are we gonna do?
Snake: We're entirely in his power…. Wait, where's Mei Ling?
Otacon: She went to get her share of pudding. She felt full at dinnertime.
Meryl: We've got to stop her! She's our only hope!
SCENE TWELVE: LIQUID'S KITCHEN
Mei Ling (about to eat a spoonful of pudding): Here comes the big aeroplane! Neeeaoooww…
(Enter Snake)
Snake: Drop that aeroplane! (martial arts kicks the bowl across the room)
Mei Ling: Hey, jerkass! I was eating that!
Snake: Mei Ling, the pudding's been SEMTEX'D!
Mei Ling: Oh, no! By whom?
(Enter Ocelot)
Ocelot: Me! Now eat the pudding!
Mei Ling: Never!
Ocelot: Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding!
Mei Ling: (cries) Alright! Alright! (picks up bowl)
(Enter Fatman)
Fatman: Noooooooooooooooooo! (jumps on Ocelot)
Ocelot: Argh! I can't feel my legs!
Fatman: Quickly, I can't hold him for long! There are laxatives in the top right hand cupboard!
Snake: Of course! We can shit the SEMTEX out!
SCENE THIRTEEN: LIQUID'S UPSTAIRS LANDING
(There's a huge cue outside the toilet door)
Meryl: Hurry up, Snake!
Snake: Just a minute! This article is really interesting!
HALF AN HOUR LATER…
Master Chief: Right, that's everyone. Now, to kill…
(A shot is fired, disarming Master Chief)
Wolf: Chief! Are you okay?
Master Chief: Yes… just a sprained wrist.
Wolf: I knew you took too long in that bathroom.
Ocelot: Nobody will defeat me! Everyone must die!
(Ocelot begins shooting at everybody else. They try to hide behind the banister and behind sofa, but it's no use.)
Liquid: That's it! No one ruins my party! No one!
(Liquid jumps from his upstairs landing, takes hold of his chandelier, swings towards Ocelot and dropkicks him out of a window)
Ocelot: Arrrrrggghhh…. (thud)
SCENE FOURTEEN: LIQUID'S BACK YARD
(All are gathered around Ocelot's corpse. The snow is falling)
Meryl: He wasn't all bad. Remember all the times he got smashed and told us stories from his youth?
Raiden: And the time he paid Fatman's bail.
Liquid: And when he was a character witness at Colonel Campbell's trial.
Campbell: Sure got me off the hook.
Snake: All he wanted was to be accepted, to be invited into our family. And it had to end up like this.
Otacon: What's your point?
Snake: Nothing. Just kinda ticks me off is all.
Raiden: Wait… that's not Ocelot! It's a mask!
Wolf: No, that's just his wrinkly skin.
Mei Ling: No, look, he's right!
(Mei Ling reaches down and peels "Ocelot's" face off to reveal…)
Snake: The DARPA Chief!
Solidus: No, that's a mask too! It's really… (peels second mask off)
Raiden: Sam Fisher!
Meryl: No! That's also a mask! The kidnapper really is… (peels third mask off)
Liquid: King Henry VIII!
Master Chief: That's also a mask!
FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER…
Campbell: I think it's obvious by now that it's actually Decoy Octopus.
Raiden: Who?
Vulcan Raven: Wow… he's the one none of us expected.
Psycho Mantis: Yes, we really did forget about him.
Snake: So… where's the REAL Ocelot?
SCENE FIFTEEN: OCELOT'S APARTMENT
(Ocelot is hanging from the ceiling from a rope noosed around his neck, dead)
SCENE SIXTEEN: LIQUID'S BEDROOM
(Liquid is alone. Enter Snake)
Snake: Uhm… Look, Liquid. I'm sorry about… y'know, accusing you of evil plotting and conspiring to kill you.
Liquid: Oh, it's okay. I'd have done the same to you. (They hug)
(Beat)
Snake: In a yaoi, this is when we'd have sex.
Liquid: Yeah… Anyway, wanna see what's on TV?
Snake: Sure. (Picks up TV remote)
Liquid: No! Not that one!
(Liquid's bed flips over mechanically, revealing a huge laser gun beneath and a control system)
Mechanical Voice: Death Ray armed. Evil Scheme #328 activated.
Liquid: Heh… that's a friend's. Really.
I hope you all enjoyed that. Consider this fanfic a Christmas present from me to you. This might be my last ever script-based fanfiction, so savour the poor prose and hentai references while you can. And please, if you must jerk off this Christmas, don't forget to wash your hands before you carve the turkey. And now a small word from Tiny Tim…
Tiny Tim: Please, sir. Could you (cough) spare a review for Mister Chicken Fox? He says 'e'll beat me if you don't. And it'll be like a present for 'im. Please?
Heh heh, don't worry. No crippled cockney kids are going to be beaten. Because you're going to review me, aren't you? That's right. Well done you. Everything's nice and festive. There's no need for violence.
Tiny Tim: God bless us, every one!